I think I've fallen in love with my husband's best friend and I have no idea what I should do. I love my husband very much, and we've been happily married for 7 years. We have a beautiful little girl together. Money isn't an issue at all -- We don't have any debts in the world, and can afford to travel on a fairly regular basis. We get along well and never fight. We both have great respect for one another. Our sex life is great and he fulfills me perfectly.
No matter which angle I look at it from, my life is very happy and easy right now -- Very content and fulfilled.. But I love my husband's best friend. I can't get him out of my mind, so I try to avoid seeing or being with him at all when I can. I haven't told anyone about this, and I'm not sure how much more effort I can put into keeping distance between myself and our friend without making my husband think I don't like him.
Even the slightest thought of hurting my husband or robbing my daughter of a happy, normal life fills me with profound sadness. Please give me your thoughts..
The gut reaction of a random mid/late 20 year old male that doesn't know shit about being married:
You're too "content and happy" right now. Sounds like you're basically having what's the equivalent of a mid-life crisis right now where everything's been going too smoothly, and your immediate reaction is that it's driving you crazy so you want to act out.
The more you try and struggle against this shit and try to force yourself to do the "right" thing, the more it validates those feelings of rebellion and makes you want to act on them.
My advice, stop flipping out about this shit. Let it go.
So what, you're attracted to another dude for now. It happens. Don't make it such a big deal. You know you love your husband. Phases happen. Don't dramatize this shit like a teen until you convince your self you're madly in love.
Who knows though. Maybe i'm full of shit. Best of luck
The gut reaction of a random mid/late 30 year old male that doesn't know shit about being married: I strongly agree with you.
except I still suggest marriage counseling instead of letting it go.
>sounds like the only issue to me
The issue is that I'm in love with someone who isn't my husband, and I don't know how to carry on this way forever.
>and one which would be perfectly suited to discussing in
I'm sure it goes without saying that I never want my husband (or anyone, for that matter) to find out about this. I want to take care of this before it becomes a real issue. I don't want to start resenting my family for something they don't know and have no control over.
You don't really get to choose who you feel attracted to. You get to choose whether or not you act on it though. Remember, you will (hopefully) be married for a long time. These feelings will come and go in time.
>I want to take care of this before it becomes a real issue.
if you and I are talking then its already too late.
whats the big deal? you dont think he wants to bang one of your friends? marriage counseling isnt only for people in severe crisis.
>Sounds like you're basically having what's the equivalent of a mid-life crisis
I cannot stress enough to you how much I love my life and how thankful I am every day that I've met a good, hard-working man who helped me build this life together. Before I started having feelings for his friend, I had hoped that nothing would ever change.
> those feelings of rebellion
> stop flipping out about this shit.
>So what, you're attracted to another dude for now.
Just to put it into perspective for you, I'm 35. It has been a very large handful of years since I've ever gone through any sort of "phase", unless we're talking about motherhood. And I'm not simply attracted to his friend. I am in love with him. I've tried for about 6 months telling myself that I'm not, but I can't run from this problem by shrugging it off.
I currently stand to ruin the single best relationship I've ever taken part in or ever seen, for myself and my husband, as well as ruin two lives. You'll have to excuse me for being extremely worried about how I approach this.
How about instead of going to couples counseling, you first go to a couples therapist who knows relationships very well on your own. This way you can talk through this with a professional and get professional advice on what to do. You will feel better getting to vent this out to someone openly where it is confidential. And then you can also be sure you handle this right. What you most want is to be sure when you look back in years that you are content that you did the best thing. Seeing a good therapist will help you make sure that is the case.
>I cannot stress enough to you how much I love my life and how thankful I am every day that I've met a good, hard-working man who helped me build this life together. Before I started having feelings for his friend, I had hoped that nothing would ever change.
I don't understand where I failed to explain myself, but I LOVE his friend. It's not just attraction. It's not just infatuation. I've known him for 9 years now, and his family has spent the great majority of that time very close to ours. Over those years, I've gotten to know him very well and find myself loving him.
I mean a therapist who specializes in treating couples in relationships, but first go just by herself. That way if they decide it is right, the husband can join later. But this person will probably have experience in how spouses react to news like this. Maybe more than someone who doesn't specialize in couples.
Yes, I've actually already started looking around for good therapists to go to. What I'm most worried about is how I'm going to do this without anyone knowing. It certainly feels like I'm deceiving my family since I have to sneak to do it.
Why do you love this guy so much? Your husband works hard for you and your family. And you said he is lovely and et cetera. My guess is that this friend is exotic. Or can share woth you more crazy aventures. I kinda went throught the same. Imo you should stick with your husband and talk to him. The basis of a relationship is the fucking comunication.
Sorry if misspelled something, I'm in mobile
It is a little bit sneaky. But I think it's worth it. You probably only need to go a few times before you and the therapist can decide what you should do from that point. If you find someone who has dealt with couples for a long time, seen infidelities and everything, they should understand the situation you're in.
I agree she might want to stick with him and talk to him. But better to get a professional just to be sure. This could change the course of all their lives. So important thing is to get it right. A few sessions with a good therapist will be well worth the price in peace of mind down the road.
I bet he's got a really big dick.
>Your husband works hard for you and your family
It has nothing to do with my family, at least not in any way that would seem rational to me. As I said, I love my family more than anything in the world, and I want to keep our lives the way it is. I don't want to lose what we've created for ourselves.
>My guess is that this friend is exotic. Or can share woth you more crazy aventures.
Not particularly, no. He's just a very good, respectable man. It's no wonder why he and my husband are best friends.
I suppose so. But now I'm acting on it. Before, it was just a matter of something popping into my mind and trying to ignore it. Now I'm actually going to arrange to spend money and time on something that I intend to withhold from my family forever. I know that this is probably the most logical step to take, but it still makes me feel guilty -- I believe this will have been the first time I've ever kept anything a secret from my husband.
Even if you love them, you're still loving someone from afar. There's no reality to it. By doing that, you can make up whatever you want - you can imagine that person and a whole life around them, like some sort of vague but beautiful dream. Everything real and immediate can easily seem worth less than a fantasy.
And it's funny that you're trying to find a way out, but become defensive and insist on the depth of your feelings, their magnitude and their power over your life. Sounds pretty self-defeating. And almost as if you'd secretly wish we'd tell you something else entirely.
Also, one last thing - think about it this way: if that man is really your husbands best friend, why would he ever do anything with you? If my best friend was happily married and had a child, not in a thousand years I'd start anything with his wife. Meaning that even if you wanted to realize your feelings, there's no assurance that they will actually be able to be realized.
You shouldn't even lose sleep at this point about keeping it secret. It will be up to the therapist to help you decide on that. If you work out that it's best to tell him , you will. If even a therapist who sees couples for a living agrees you should keep it secret, you probably will feel better that it's really the right thing to do. Either way, don't guilt yourself. You didn't ask for these feelings and you're doing everything you're doing for the sake of your family and getting professional advice on it and will do what is best for them.
>But now I'm acting on it
but again, you are talking to me.
It's always too late when you're talking to me.
>Even if you love them, you're still loving someone from afar. There's no reality to it. By doing that, you can make up whatever you want
Are you suggesting that I'm relying on conjured ideas of this man even in spite of knowing him for almost a decade?
>Also, one last thing - think about it this way: if that man is really your husbands best friend, why would he ever do anything with you? If my best friend was happily married and had a child, not in a thousand years I'd start anything with his wife. Meaning that even if you wanted to realize your feelings, there's no assurance that they will actually be able to be realized.
Feelings aren't contingent upon realism. Also, I never said anything about starting something with him. The whole point of me having created this thread is that I intend to live my life happily with my family. I've been avoiding him as much as I can without raising suspicion. I'm trying to forget about these feelings I have.
Do you disagree with my wanting to keep it to myself? I truly don't see any good coming of this, whether I bring this issue to my husband right now or far in the future. Either way, this would likely hurt his trust in me.
>Do you disagree with my wanting to keep it to myself? I truly don't see any good coming of this, whether I bring this issue to my husband right now or far in the future. Either way, this would likely hurt his trust in me.
This is why you should see a therapist. Find someone who has seen 1000 of these situations and can advise you. A lot better than relying on advice from us clowns on 4chan for something so important.
>Do you disagree with my wanting to keep it to myself?
I dont have any substantial opinion other than "sneaking" to a therapist.
>this would likely hurt his trust in me.
or do the complete opposite which I think is perfectly reasonable if handled correctly. What makes you so sure he's not madly in love with one of your friends? He could be having this exact conversation right now on reddit