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dating a depressed partner
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hey /adv/ got another relationshit thread

my friend and i are into each other but we're not a couple. that being said, we both have terrible depression, to the point of being unable to function at times. Has anyone dealt with this scenario or a similar scenario?
I'm wondering how I can best help her when she's having a really terrible period.
it's like this with my gf and i of 11 months but i'm way worse than her

sometimes she makes me feel better but sometimes i wear her out
hmm what do you two do for each other?
my friend is beginning to wear me out right now, and i dont know how long i can put up with her stubbornness and refusal to change, but i also realize that a big part of that is depression. we're also in a point where she's been consistenly not very good for almost two months, whereas i've been pretty okay.

sadly, when i have a shitty time she isn't of much use, even telling me things like "i can't offer you any comfort right now" which i understand is because she feels like shit, but idk

she is very far away at the moment, and i realize the distance does make it difficult

you two said you cannot function. ergo you cannot date. it doesnt matter if its intermittent.

you two have decided that this modern life is somehow so soul crushing that its not worth being real human beings. i say the same thing about 13 years olds. they shouldnt date. they arent ready. they act like a break up is the end of the world. now you two are going into this like you're already in that horribly depressed break up phase. you dont care enough about yourselves to take care of yourselves, one wrong rubbing of the way and you will hurt one another, all because you are too self absorbed to truly care about each other.

TL;DR depressed people cannot date.
It won't work. Being around depressed people is tiring even for non-depressed people. Someone who's dealing with their own emotional crises is very poorly equipped to interact with a depressed person. Depressed people in relationships tend to end up fighting about whose depression is real and who's just wielding it as an excuse to be an unsupportive partner when in reality they both lack the emotional foundation to support a depressed partner due to their own depression.

and worse, they find reasons to label themselves as tragically romantic, like they are the only reason each other is alive.

we're not actually dating, and both of us being depressed is a big factor in that

she's in worse condition than I...but I see your point.
we've not had any fights, although she has questioned me about whether I really care, and I just feel beholden to her or something.

we aren't a couple, we just have a mutual attraction, if we were living nearer to each other we'd probably date though.

nah neither of us is doing that, we're not that crazy
What makes you attracted to her?

It sounds like being friends with her isn't adding much to your life.

>we have not had any fights
>she has questioned me about whether i really care

this is exactly the shit im talking about. you are not emotionally healthy enough to be together. but it seems liek you cant physically be together anyway and arent dating, so whats the point of this thread?

she clearly is too 'sad' to take your emotions seriously. its all about her. if you're depressed you will liekly have similar reactions, but even if ur not, its not going to end well for you. or start well. or go well. at all.
>so whats the point of this thread?
she's still my friend and I care about her, and I want to help her, and if I were to abandon her or leave her alone, i think it'd crush her, based on what occured with a previous girlfriend, who basically left her because the Ex got tired of her shit

I've also talked about my moving closer (so i'm a few hour drive away, instead of like a literal 24 hour drive) to facilitate a relationship, but I'm not going to do that unless I can see that she's making real progress, because if I move and her situation is the same as it is now, that'd be pointless
when she's only midly sad she's pretty awesome; she's funny, smart and cute, she relates to me in some ways no one else has, we dont share many of the same interests, but i enjoy her company and we like doing things together.

No....she doesn't add very much, but when i'm without her for a while i do start to feel a bit empty. I'm not sure if she feels the same, but i haven't gone awol on her in a while.
My depression does get in the way of my relationship with my bf, because I've grown so familiar with feeling defeated and not having anything to live for, that I just couldn't accept and embrace the fact that I am in a great relationship and that things could actually be better for once.

But yeah, in saying that, what has made me better is wanting to change and be better for my bf, and for my own wellbeing. I've certainly got a long way to go because I've had depression for years and it's become this familiar thing in my life, but I think the biggest change for me is that I feel a whole lot more motivated to get better.

It is tiring though, and I do feel guilty when I can't be happy around my so. I think as long as you're willing to put in effort, and as long as you get over the whole "wallowing in your own sorrows", it gets a whole lot better, single or not.

>to do friends stuff

then why did you list this as 'dating a depressed person'?

>if i were to abandon her or leave her alone, i think it'd crush her

she'd be sad, btu thats normal when someone loses a friend. but you dont actually have each other in your lives as more than skype buddies it would seem, so it wouldnt be a huge loss. she might act like its a huge loss, but thats what depressed people do. they act like living a normal modern comfy life is suffering.

>im thinking of moving closer, but only if she gets better

dude. just stop. this isnt healthy. in any sense of any use of any fathomable possibility of the word.

>that'd be pointless

it already is mate.
It won't work if one or both of you are unaccepting of the dysfunctionality your depression causes, and you both should be actively trying to cure yourselves.
>based on what occured with a previous girlfriend
Is she a lesbian? Are you a qt grill, OP?
>then why did you list this as 'dating a depressed person'?
because i want to date, and at times we function as if we're a couple.

i see what you're saying anon. .... I dont want to give up on her though, but i definitely see the illogicalness of my behaviour

So, do you think being closer together would not be good for either of us? i'd think that if we were physically together we could help each other much much more.

>as more than skype buddies it would seem
i hate to reduce it to that since we do lean on each other alot, but yeah thats mostly accurate

we're both women, yes, we're both cute, yes.
i'm bisexual actually, and so is she.
>nb4 bisexual memes, etc etc

>unaccepting of the dysfunctionality your depression causes
we are both aware and accept it, but she tends to allow herself to drown in it. I might be the same, but my living situation is different from hers (might be homeless soon, other shit) so I'm forced to do some things, even if I dont do them well.
I wont say she isn't trying to cure herself, but i think she could be trying harder, but it seems she's already given up.

how in any way is a depressed person good for a depressed person? yes you go through similar issues, but depression is very self centered. its ego centric. its someone who cannot see beyond themselves. depressed mothers are horrible to their children. depressed lovers are horrible to their spouses.

so what can two depressed people do other than hurt each other and get more depressed? you cant 'help' someone if you cant even help yourself. you arent psychiatrists.

you may think 'oh the other person can udnerstand my pain' but that undermines teh whole point of depression which is 'no one can udnerstand my pain'. and shes already pulled that card by questioning your feelings.

moving to be closer wont make it any better. you'll have just uprooted your entire life in an attempt to get some online fling with a depressed person to try and fix ur life.

it doesnt wokr that way.
Do you know why she's depressed and why she's given up?
I'm not sure what triggered it exactly; I think it was a combination of elements. she's been in this state for a couple of years now, so thats part of why she's given up
>because i want to date, and at times we function as if we're a couple.
but does she want to date and does she think you function as a couple?
>how in any way is a depressed person good for a depressed person?
well in the sense that'd we'd motivate each other and such, but we're not usually both horribly depressed at the same time.
Also if i was around I could make sure she's being active, going to therapy, etc. she'd do the same for me, since we both do that already as much as we can.
>. its ego centric. its someone who cannot see beyond themselves
i mean.....this is genetic for me, and probably her as well; i see what you're saying, but perhaps you're simplifying it a little too much-?
I see your point though.

>you cant 'help' someone if you cant even help yourself. you arent psychiatrists.
this is something i think about quite regularly

>but does she want to date
yes, but she doesn't want to do long distance
> does she think you function as a couple?
im not sure. other people have commented that we act like we're in a relationship. On her good days she basically treats me like her girlfriend, on bad days, it varies. sometimes she feels empty and sad that she doesn't love me that day, some days she thinks im bad for her and i'd be better off without her, yadda yadda depressed person thoughts.

she's specifically stated that if I were to move we'd be exclusive though, yes.
If she doesn't have that many friends in real life having a friend there in person probably would help her a lot, but I wouldn't move to be near her unless you wanted to live in that area anyway
My ex-gf and I were both depressed when we got together and we ended up motivating each other to get help and do something more with our lives. We broke up for unrelated reasons a few years later, but I'm glad we tried because we both ended up as better people.
she has absolutely no friends in real life.
I was open to moving near her before we met, but its an expensive area, so It wasn't something I thought would be a serious possibility for a long time.
If we lived together we could probably make it work, but thats easier said than done, especially on my part.
good choice of picture anon, i also have this one saved and look at it to remind myself of how farfetched my dreams in life are. makes me feel kind of happy-sad
I have this fetish to date a girl real mental issues that isn't being borderline or histrionic.

Where do I even meet them ? I'm a regular guy with a slacker attitude and all I see are joyfull women with huge ambitions in life that love to party and shopping.
Thats very creepy.
Last night somebody on /pol/ said that SSRI drugs cause autism in the womb. I saw this thread on the homepage so I thought I would spread the word.
My gf has depression but I haven't ever seen her crash yet
Here's hoping I can be there for her if/when she does

Well considering you're apparently also depressed you should kinda know how you want people to act when you're in a manic stage, so do that
sometimes i want things that aren't that best for me or are unreasonable, so i'm not sure how to handle things.
I dont think isolating herself is best for her, but i can't completely control her actions, i can only influence them.
>tfw every girl I date has mental issues
Watching this thread.

I am recovering from depression. Off my meds nearly a year now.
Friend of mine really helped me a huge amount. She's still medicated.
I think I'm doing better than her at the moment, most of the time.
I feel as though I owe her my life. I want to repay. I've also developed somewhat of a crush on her, due to spending so much time together and her being awesome and me being daft. I don't want to look at her as a romantic prospect though, I want us to be lifelong friends. But that's a different issue.

So, yeah. I'm a mess still in many ways. I don't know how good a friend I can be to her given our mental conditions/history.
So watching this thread for insight.

...and back to lurking I go.
It could work, but she needs to get herself to therapy and if she doesn't want to or thinks she doesn't have to she's a lost cause

She thinks she's a lost cause and that no one can help her. She is on SSRIs but she just started

Thank you for sharing your experiences Anon
Can you share with me more details about how you made things work and stayed in treatment etc?
Bumping cause of this

How do you guys feel about dating someone with depression?

I don't have depression myself but some dad issues that has complicated my mental state some, but all in all I'm an independent guy who's emotionally stable.
if you're emotionally stable and have very small mentally unbalanced periods you're fine i believe
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Not OP but I wish I could date someone with a mental issue.

Hopefully something not too light but not too serious, like Asperger's or some kind of small schizophrenia, or social anxiety.

Don't get me wrong it's not that I want to see the person suffer, it's the exact opposite. I have great empathy for this kind of people so I guess I'm attracted to mentally ill/very withdrawn girls.

Call me white knight if you want but it's like I want to protect them, hugging and holding them tight against my chest, and kissing they're forehead. A pure love.
Honest advice from someone suffering from major depression for about a year and a half...
Both of you go to a psychiatrist AND a psychologist. BOTH work better than either alone, the road is long and lonely. I for one don't have any real friends, just acquaintances and it sucks, best of luck and GO GET HELP FROM A PRO
It can work. This board is infested with normies that think depression means "big sadness"
any advice?

it seems like alot of people dont understand the seriousness and depth of chronic depression, mental illness runs in my family, and it does in hers as well.

i see a therapist right now. I'll try and see a psychiatrist and a psychologist, im able to see a therapist for very cheap, and that helps some, but a big part of my hurdle is not having money for treatment.

this is only a little creepy
>a little creepy
Why? It's not like I'm a pedo or anything.
I just thing withdrawn people are extremely cute and deserve love more than anyone else.
its almost like preying on the weak with the way you're presenting it
it isn't that strange, but it is an odd preference imo
>its almost like preying on the weak with the way you're presenting it

well, certainly i dont see it that way.
consciously, at least.
maybe unconsciously you're right.
but i dont know.
i think its because i'm a very sad person myself that i want to try and be happy by rescueing others.
i've always been bad at this whole feelings thing so im not sure whats the best way to explain it.
but i feel its pure.
though, back again, pedophiles tend to do so too.
in the end its just a kind of preference for very shy girls.
Honestly, and this isn't to come off intentionally rude, your kind of person are really awful. You speak about these "ill" girls, that you want to "rescue" them, but it never ends well. You're using them as an outlet for your own shortcomings, at their cost.
I've known many of your kind, be it nurses, psychologists, or even the random guy who's fancy you strike. All these people want to 'rescue' you, to save you from your awful existence. And, they never do. They can't. No one can ever stomach the constant issues, the continuous relapses, the unpredictable trips to the ER. It gets too much in the end and they leave you behind. Good intentions doesn't guarantee good results...
I feel ya sister (or brother, but from your post I got the feeling you're the former). I'm sick of these types of people as well.
i cant understand
i'm a complete virgin so i dont know if its safe to assume that i'm into them for my own shortcomings
i mean, take it easy
whats so wrong about wanting to hug someone?
i'm very much love deprived
and i have my own mental issues as well
i just relate to them, i think
and think we could help each other together

i really really do not undertsand
should i be ashmed for what i feel?
even if my feelings are true and pure?
should i back up in the name of good behaviour and whatever moral values are defended, regardless of their validity, even if that means killing a part of myself?

i swear for god that i dont have any secondary intentions. i mean, unless you consider having a girlfriend and a happy life with a happy relationship a second intention, its not like i'm scheming to hurt anyone. please dont think that of me. i just want to help, and love and be loved back. i dont know what to say. i guess i'm sorry for existing, sorry for being disgusting. i wish i was normal. i guess.
The creep just *oozes* from this post, I think I need a shower. Get help, seriously, before you hurt someone with your "pure" intentions. You sound like a goddamn pedophile in the making.
Yeah, you really don't understand. You're sick, someone who has their own issues. It doesn't matter if your intentions are 'pure'. Two broken people don't make a whole. You can't save them, and believe me, hugging them and stroking their hair in an eerily affectionate manner isn't going to make them better. Contrary to what you believe, love doesn't solve their mental issues, or yours. You need help yourself.
My point was that, even if you think you can make a difference, only very few people, if any, can stand to maintain a relationship with 'damaged' people, and those who can are NOT sick with their own mental issues. They are healthy, often professional people, who have their own lives and dreams outside of their care. Their entire life doesn't revolve around their own patient, okay? So just stop, and get some help yourself before you give someone false hope who really don't need betrayal.
try dating websites
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I dated a depressive girl for a year. She looked like >>16839156, just a bit more average.

A couple of months ago she suddenly stopped communicating. I would have to go to her house to have a decent talk with her, and even in person it would be hard to get her to tell me how she was doing.

Some months later she simply texted me: Don't message me anymore unless I message you first. Then a month ago she dumped me saying she was bored of me and didn't love me anymore.

After digging around a bit, I found she simply had failed some classes, and had normal family problems at home, like not being allowed to go out all the time or being forced to do chores.

I honestly still don't know if it was just her or all people with depression act like this. I don't regret it, but I surely wouldn't date such a woman again.

You don't just 'choose' to be depressed. Though, I am sorry you were treated that way. It wasn't fair
Mentally ill people dating other mentally ill people rarely goes well. Usually your mental illnesses kind of bounce off of each other and become mental illness squared.

I'm mentally ill (severe depression ftw) and currently not dating because of it, though, so maybe your idea is a better one.
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