I need someone that understands or has borderline personality disorder to help me with this question: How can I, having this disorder, build my own personality? How can I know what is true and what is fake created by myself?
My life is crumbling and its because of this disorder and i don't know who is my true self and my does my true self really want from this world.
Just help me with some inputs on this question please.
Your "true self" is an accumulation of your actions and words, the things you do that affect other people. That's all that matters. Not your justifications, not your excuses, not the shit inside your head - the things that you DO. That's it.
How does your borderline manifest itself?
My first longterm gf had it and a chick I banged for some months.
Maybe I can see some similarities and even tell you how much of it is just your paranoia from being diagnsed with it.
>>16827692 but my actions are contradictory. One day I'm this, the other day I'm that, and I act accordingly. My question is JUST that. How can I maintain myself consistent? How can i build my mind to have a personality?
Because i build my "personality" accordingly to the people im with, at that moment. I'm different depending on what kind of people are around me.
I admire everyone and then despise everyone. I want to act like the person I admire but then I lose respect for them so quickly and I don't want to be like them anymore. It's like I'm going with the flow, you know?
I don't have my own strong personality and only fucked up things get my attention.
I cried myself to sleep last night. So fucking tired feeling like I'm stopped in seventh grade. Feeling like a loser, like an adult that never evolved.
I feel the same OP. I don't think I'd be diagnosed with BPD as its not extreme enough. But I just don't know who I am or what I want. I am obsessed with something for a while and then hate it. I am suckered in by people I admire and then completely turn against them and feel betrayed. My ex left me a couple of years ago and I simply can't move. Some days I am forgiving and happy for her, other days I want her dead and suffering. I can't take much more, like you yourself said.
These mostly sound like symptoms of your disorder, so perhaps these questions would be best directed at a psychiatrist? I honestly don't know. Do you take medication of any kind?
But yeah. A big part of it is to try to stop living in your head and obsessing about yourself, because true "personality" is not internal. Start thinking more about how your actions/attitudes affect people. Before you do/say something impulsive, try to stop and ask yourself "is this positive or negative? Why am I doing this?"
And so much more. I can't decide what I'm going to major in. Everything sounds wonderful to me one day and the next there's no place on earth for me..
I was in love with this person that loved videogames. I never played before but because that person liked it so much I started it. And I became obsessed with it. I wouldn't sleep just to play and I even spent money with it. After we got distant I never played anymore. I just find everyone interesting and then later I make them bad in my head and start despising them..
I mean its so many things, like addiction to card games for a while... Then designing... Then
programming... Then finance... And now I don't know. I just want help. I'm tired
It's the same for me but I am not diagnosed with it.
You have to understand that you have a certain personality deep down in you that people recognize.
The thing that you do is adapting to the people around you. That's actually a really helpful social trait.
When it comes to just jumping from person to person you have to think about the fact that some people are more interesting than others and that the first rush you get from having new friends goes away after some time but comes back too.
You are prolly still young and it takes some time to get real friends.
The thing with the despising, that's mainly you projecting your shortcomings onto them or just random feelings that go away.
I sometimes get those feelings towards family and my gf from time to time aswell but then just try standing above them.
Don't give into your feelings and if you are intoxicated try not letting them feel your hate. They love ´/like you and won't let you fall, only if you do it too frequently
I know what you are going through, OP. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was younger, and it explained a lot about myself. I went through a similar period where I didn't know how to feel about myself.
At the end of the day, you are the disease and the disease is you. You can't separate yourself from it, and say "sometimes I'm me, and sometimes I'm affected by BPD" because that in itself is a form of the compartmentalizing behavior associated with BPD.
Being consistent is hard. Being logical and analytical helped me. I know what I care about, and whats important to me, and if I start acting in a way that sabotages that I need to step aside for a minute. Taking a break from things is the most useful tip I can give you. If you are ever having a BPD meltdown and you aren't acting like the rational you, try and take a minute to step away from it and focus on something else for a minute. Even for people without BPD, studies have shown that refocusing on something for a minute will change how you feel slightly when you go back to whatever is making you upset.
If you have any specific questions, I am happy to answer them to the best of my ability. I have been living with BPD for at least 10 years, and I'm very proud of where I am now in comparison to where I was 10 years ago. It is possible to have stable, consistent relationships, it just takes work.
You have try a ton of things out to find what really suits you.
In such a complex world where most people seem as if they know it all it's hard to forgive your own scattered brain.
It takes some time but then you know it, life is about finding what you love.
Just don't hurt the people around you too much, that just ends up in you hating yourself when you are down.
Dropping people makes them want your attention but it makes you paranoid that they'll do the same when you found the "right" peeps.
Start thinking more objective and respectful towards the people that are there for you, even if you feel as if it's not working RIGHT NOW.
Life will be filled with millions of RIGHT NOWS.
>>16827721 I took medication for a while 1 year almost and dropped it because I thought "I don't need this it's all lies"..
I was more put together when I was in meds.. I even kept a job for 7 months!!! Fucking lol
It frustrates me that I need meds to be a good and collected person.
>It frustrates me that I need meds to be a good and collected person.
I get it, but if it helps, maybe you should stick with it. Don't think of it differently from any other disease. Don't be ashamed of needing help. If you had cancer, would you refuse treatment because "dammit I should just be able to heal myself?"
>I admire everyone and then despise them
This is a common thing for people with BPD. For me, it was that I would become attached and trusting to people too quickly, and then basically tell them my deepest darkest secrets and then feel alienated when they started to pull away, or not react in the way I was hoping.
I had to recognize that behavior in myself. I now err on the side of caution in relationships, and don't give a lot of personal information unless they ask.
Just relax. The best thing you can do is to try and work towards being a person that you are proud of being. When you are on a path you are proud of, you will feel more confident in your personality and feel more strongly about your traits and what is normal for you and what isn't. I totally know what you are going through. Being adaptive isn't the worst thing in the world, but if you walk away not knowing who you really are then that isn't good for you.
I started to feel better and more consistent when I found a path I am really passionate about, which is wildlife conservation and rehab. It helped me a lot, because most wildlife people are weird or damaged themselves, so I didn't feel a lot of social pressure from people as I was trying to work myself out, because they were already used to everyone basically having aspergers.
>>16827736 did you take any meds? Have you been seeing a therapist ever since? Have you finished anything you started? (like grad school or a job)
I'm very good at pretending. My explosions are within. When I'm mad I'm silent. At work I don't show it and everyone thinks I'm just this serious and responsible person. But in my mind its a chaos and my face is blank. It's so much suffering inside and I'm just 20. My brother (30) is bipolar. He's a parasite within my household. All he does is play chess and drink beer. Last night he came in drunk and fell on the bathroom and vomited. I don't want to be like him when I'm 30.
No, I've never taken medication. I have seen a therapist before, but she was not very good. If I started to feel unsteady again, I would definitely see another therapist, just a different one. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist, it can just be tricky to find the right one.
I've had a lot of professional success, but I've also sabotaged myself. I've walked out on 2 jobs. They both were justifiable (one company wanted me to forge documents, and one company had me a manager but would never, ever support anything I said, which you can't manage anything if YOUR boss is telling YOUR employees "oh yeah, don't listen to anon. Just keep doing what you're doing"). I was young, and don't regret leaving, but I'm not especially proud of walking out.
Work has definitely been tough at times; I invest myself heavily in everything I do, which has gotten me many promotions and raises, but it can be hard to stay professional when things go off the rails or if I have an employee that wants to give me shit. I've been incredibly fortunate to have 2 professional mentors that gave me some excellent advice about how to be an effective leader, and it really changed things for me professionally. Also, I need to know what my limit is. I have a habit of doing really well at a job, and then taking on way too much.
I think you should try to find a therapist with experience with BPD, who can help you sort out some of your feelings, and start to make realistic goals for you.
>>16827781 my dad when he was just wedded to my mom he was violent towards my brothers (but that was also because he was raised from a violent dad) especially the bipolar one because he was always fighting with everyone and my other brother was always crying and making a scene (last year he confessed that he's gay). After some years my dad has become very calm and nice dad. My mom had panic attacks and she takes meds. My dad used to be epileptic but he's cured now.
Being the younger I think it affected me seeing so many fights inside my house. Now my middle brother has gone to medical school (he's the normal one). And my troubles these days are myself and bipolar brother. I feel like shit to my parents. They are so good to us and I try to help with money (been working for 3 months) but its not enough because I know I'm fake and they deserve a genuine and healthy kid
After reading all this Eye've just realeyesd Eye've got BPD.
The reallies we tell ourselves everyday can be really bad for our temperament in the long run..It's important you realize that it's "Mind over Matter" in all aspects of life..... You gotta keep an open mind and stay in control of your thought process.
This life is yours to live...
Eye believe yours shoes are your own to walk in... However before we can (walk//run//jump) in the pressures of society,.. we need to limber up the mind and body so to avoid injury on the journey ahead..
Take the time to find the shoes that fit you and walk in comfort.
Move at your own speed and design and make ripples in comfort.
>>16827800 it's so nice to read your experiences. It does make me hopeful that I am going to succes at something too. I'm a very good employee. I don't make the same mistakes twice. I listen to my bosses and I try to be very organized (I have post its to remind me of important dates of documents and other fiscal matters)
That said. I get sick of it so quickly. Before I reached to 2 months on this job I was already crying and complaining to myself that I don't like the job. The reason I didn't leave yet was because my mother asked passionately to hold it for a year. So thats a goal for me now. Just make it trough the year and don't quit. I haven't told my boss that I dropped out of business school. I only got the job because a classmate told her about me and she gave me the job based on my colleagues word.
The best advice I can give you professionally, is if something really bothers you, definitely think about it overnight, and run it past people who's opinion you trust. There are times that I wish I would have thought more, and tried to relax instead of just acting in the moment. That is one of my issues; I start to feel a lot of anxiety and my instinct is to react as quickly as possible to get rid of it. This has not always been the best course of action.
Also, try not to run away from things if they are worth it. I always thought I was being assertive and self-focused by leaving at the right time, or giving up after I've given it a good try, but I've been told by others that I have a tendency to run away from things and not fully facing my problems. I feel stronger for trying to deal with things head on, but also giving myself time to rationally process everything.
You are only 20. I definitely did not feel stable by 20. I started to feel better around 22/23, but I was actively setting goals for myself. Don't be super ambitious about your goals. Just things like "think about my problems overnight before acting" or "try to communicate my needs better to the people around me, without making my problems their problems"
>>16827830 wow thanks but that doesn't help me AT ALL. lol you have no idea what it is to have BPD do you? Words like yours are shit made for my shoes to step on.
You had good intentions I guess? Tks
Eye did only mean well.. Eye won't try again.
I'm going to go ahead and advice you not to be delusional. You are, in part, borderline. The same way that if someone has a tendency to be active, their personality is active. Borderline only defines a pattern. A pattern that manifests in your behaviour. A pattern of your personality. You can sometimes minimize or maximize it but it's often hardwired in and it won't go away.
>don't be delusional
That is probably the worst advice you could give someone with bpd. with bpd there is a constant paranoia of "should I feel this way, or am I just being crazy?", which can be very detrimental to someone's feeling of self worth.
I would say self awareness.
Be aware of everything you are doing and it's consequences. I'm not saying you should be dramatic about it, but be conscious that it is you doing the things that you are doing.
For example, my friend who also has been diagnosed with BPD. She does things like start to get naked in the middle of a restaurant because she "doesn't like her clothes". She should be aware that the main reason she does that is for the thrill of it, the instant "hit" of dull emotional relief after being impulsive. She should be aware that it causes her family great discomfort.
The tricky part here: You should acknowledge that it is you the one doing those things, not "the disorder" but also you shouldn't feel guilty about most of them.
Yeah you fucked up. Yeah you are going to keep fucking up. Shit happens. It's okay.
If people around you have any idea of how you are regarding that aspect (and it's as simple as reading about bpd) they will understand your behaviour. Don't beat yourself up over it, you are what you are for whatever reason, just try to be better so you are, step by step, more comfortable with yourself.
So, in general terms. Take responsibility. Don't punish yourself. Most importantly: don't expect short-time meaningful changes. It's your habit, metodology and brain. Those things take time to re-adapt.
Focus on today. Focus on the moment. Don't focus on blame.