I'm about to marry my girlfriend of 5+ years.
I've never cheated on her or any of my previous girlfriends... lately, I feel myself drawn to certain women in my environment. One is a common friend who I know has interest in me, too. The other one is a fellow student (we both study math), who's been pretty forward, too.
I'm kind of a wuss when it comes to initiating things, so I don't think it'd go that far anyway in any case, but:
Even though I love my girl very much, I never - not with her and not with anyone else - felt truly commited to a relationship. I don't mind staying with somebody forever (especially her), but I never got the feeling (let alone understood it) that either love, romantic or sexual interest should be something exclusive.
I know it'd be the wrong thing to cheat on her. I don't see it happen anytime soon. But considering I'm about to marry her, I don't want it to happen anytime at all.
Please assure me. Not by telling me it's the right thing to do. I want to know if you have cheated on someone. Have been cheated on. Have had someone cheat on someone with you. And how it made you, them, everyone miserable. Regret it. Thanks.
Cheating would not only be wrong, but it would destroy your relationship. It would totally eliminate any present or future trust. Monogamy doesn't just mean you are refusing to do bad things, it's a very important positive force in your life.
Just know that if you do it you are human trash. I had a girlfriend cheat on my and I swear I was going to beat her. My friend talked me out of it but if it weren't for him I'd have probably hurt her for life. People who cheat are fucking scum.
I cheated on a girlfriend, i was really really drunk (it is not excuse for the act, but that sort of things tend to happen in that state). It feels like shit man... specially if she loves you and trully cares about you. I never told her because i felt really embarrased, thank god it was a random girl at a party i never saw again. Anyway... in my case i wasnt really commited to her and tended to look amd fantasize with other girls. I think that thgoughts are slowly interiorized and with the proper ingredients just end up happening.. (booze + hot girl giving you looks + no one will ever know)
She'd never have to find out. (Guess that's what every cheater tries to convince himself of.)
If you considered beating her, your relationship probably wasn't built to last. But thanks for sharing anyways, wouldn't want her to feel that way.
Thanks a lot for sharing. I guess that's something I really should watch out for. I know the daydreaming... it's why I actually worry about watching to much porn from time to time, too. I think it all might play a part in my emotional desensitization.
See above. I wouldn't want her to feel that way. I appreciate all the feedback.
Monogamy is a choice, not an instinct. Sometimes it feels like hard work. Most men feel like you, everyone deals with temptation. You're not a bad person just because you WANT to do bad things, you're a good person because you don't give in.
That's a very interesting and comforting thought, thank you.
And yes, monogamy was a choice we made. Together. It's nothing she, anyone else or life forced upon me.
Yeah, that'd be helpful if I had something remotely related to a conscience. I do have a sense of what's wrong or right, but I truly never regret anything. At least not for long.
I appreciate your concern for my mental well-being, though.
I guess it comes more down to what >>16827675 said about monogamy, applied to virtues like honesty and respect. I have trouble with those, too... but all one can do is trying to do what you think is best.
I never understood the "I was drunk so I did X" thing. Even when I'm shit face plastered I know full well what is right and wrong. I cannot Imagine a state of drunkenness where I would drive a car or fuck some whore. I've always felt that "blacking out and carrying out a specific set of tasks that I conveniently don't remember" to be bullshit or some kind of agreed lie guilty people put forward.
I've full on blacked out from to much booze, I remember hurtling to the floor and I remember waking up. I remember what conversations I had before and after, I remember what the bathroom I puked in looked like down to "Oh Jerry is a Colgate guy". I'm there the whole time, why would I not remember?
Not mad, I just want to know honestly is "I blacked out, I don't remember what I did" some kind of real life meme created by cheaters?
Maybe I'm just Irish.
And I wouldn't have a problem with the relationship not being exclusive.
Actually I wouldn't mind going full open relationship right now, I just know she would. We actually talked about this at the start of our relationship and from time to time again. But since we both are sure we want to spend the rest of our lives together, it doesn't even feel as if I'm "missing out" or anything like that.
I'm just afraid of doing something stupid and the fact that "She doesn't have to find out." is nothing but a stupid lie to ignore the fact that she actually *might* find out one way another, no matter the precautions - and that *might* ruin the relationship, but even worse, it would seriously hurt her feelings and might scar her emotionally (more than she already is).
I'd trust her to stay with me even if the relationship was non-exclusive. And so could she. But that would require consent.
That was my whole point. You're mistaken if you think it is okay to have an open relationship. Monogamy is not good just because you aren't cheating. It is good on its own and provides its own benefits. It is a positive force, not a LACK of negative force.
It sounds like you guys really need to talk about that. But you are good because you're not giving in. Maybe you're just poly, anon.
If you wanna read more crap, I wrote you a confusing muddled summary of my misadventures in cheating so that I wouldn't gum up the thread.
TL;DR I regret it immensely.
I don't think I'm with you on the monogamy point.
It's a relationship model just like open, polygamous, etc. - at least that's the way I look at it.
There might be way too many emotionally defective people in the world to reliably make any of these alternative relationship models work, but then again: look at how monogamy's doing.
But, and I can't stress this enough, we have chosen monogamy together. And I'm not thrash-talking monogamy, am I?
Thanks a lot, I'll be reading through that for the afternoon.
I'm not excusing my acts, i remember what i did and did it by myself.. what i mean is that alcohol drives people to behave irresponsabilly... have you seen bar fights? I can bet my left nut those guys were drunk... drunk driving, talking stuff you shouldnt, having sex with random people, cheating.... the list goes on and on... alcohol lowers people criteria and do shit they shouldnt... some people uses it as excuse and sure they are idiots, but the bigger idiot is the one that believes that shit
I don't think I can follow your "reasoning" there.
And I'd really like to get into a discussion about that topic with you, but that'd deviate too far from the original topic I had in mind.
Coming back to your story, sounds like bad emotional abuse, if one could call it that. Sorry you had to go through that.
Doesn't sound like the relationships or even the people involved in them were emotionally stable, though. Hope you'll make (or better yet: already made) better experiences both romantic and sexually.
Your story actually helped me reflect on how dishonesty and deceit can easily destroy a life. So thank you.
As someone who's been cheated on, and stayed with the person, I could never imagine willfully doing it to someone. Even if your relationship is strong enough to get past the infidelity, and not many are, you both have to live with the knowledge of what happened, and the one who's been cheated on will never feel entirely secure in the relationship again.
It's the sickest sort of pit of your stomach feeling to have to push back the thought of your significant other with someone else, and you just do it because you love them, but you're constantly scared that they probably don't love you the same way if they can betray you like that.
Ultimately, it's your life. But don't believe anyone who tells you that you can cheat and not be caught--it always comes out in the end, especially if you're going to marry this girl afterwards.
I am a stronger person for it. I'm in a much better place in life but yeah, everyone was unstable as fuck. Glad that it helped you. Good luck, anon. I really do think you'll do the right thing.
It's like your haunted by it. No matter how good things are, it's tainted. Like eating something that's about to spoil. You can taste the imminent ruin.
I had an ex who has also okay with open relationships. He ended up cheating on me.
Cheaters never seem to understand that open relationships have the consent of both parties, and isn't just one person going off and trying to have additional girlfriends while keeping it a secret from the other person.
Eh, I cheat on my gf but I still love her, it's no big deal.
>dating four four years
>First two years sex multiple times a day
>now she has different needs
>sex is rare
>still have a great time with each other
>still in love
The thing is men aren't built to be monogamous. if your partner has a different sex drive than you, your marriage will end in shambles. To avoid this, you either have to learn how to have less sex less often, or cheat.
I chose the latter and it's working well so far. I'll spend time with my gf, if she doesn't want sex that night I'll hit up my side chick and go sleep over at her house.
Nothing wrong with it, men are just trained by their women to never cheat. But meanwhile, they're flirting with guys when you're not around and most likely have a guy lined up who they will contact if things don't work out with you.
In my view, I'd rather stay with my girlfriend and cheat on her than dump her because she doesn't spread her legs often enough. I'd rather just cheat and stay with her than dump her. We have a great time together, I don't want to throw that away because I'm basically a sexual deviant.
Let me tell you something OP.
That's a natural feeling. In modern psychological and psychoanalytic theories there are arguments and data to show a fundamental disconnect/mismatch between human sexual relationships. What we desire in others will always be not quite what we want once we receiving it. Such is the function of desire. Knowing that for me has been really helpful.
Cheating has made me feel awful and even coming close to cheating has made me feel dreadful like I've nearly tainted the best thing in my life. Imagine own a rare and amazing painting that you almost ruin, perhaps tripping and nearly spilling wine on by a centimeter. Even though nothing happened you may still feel awful and nervous that it almost happened.
If you have love in this cold world and your girl can stimulate your fetishes at least to a good degree hold on to her for dear life. It's a cold world.
She doesn't know and has no reason to know. I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just making sure I can stay with her.
If I didn't cheat, I would have to leave her. That would suck for both of us. If she found out I cheated, she would be hurt but she would still stay with me. I just don't want to hurt her.
I got married at age 19, cheated on my wife, she found out, my life became hell and her self esteem went into the gutter. I always had a bunch of women hitting on me and I just didn't have the maturity to say no to sex.
We're still together but she kind of has ptsd and like once every couple months she has a breakdown and starts crying about me cheating eleven years ago. It pretty much destroyed her as a person and I'm really only with her due to guilt, she tells me she loves me and I should stay when I try to leave.
Her mom hates me and makes up stories about how I have a secret family because she wants us to break up so badly (my wife can't have kids and is extremely sensitive about it).
Don't cheat. If you get caught, and you probably will, your life will become hell and you will completely destroy the woman you claim to love.
People do not understand how deathly quiet and lonely the world is. It is basically impossible to know what people want or become close with them. If you can find someone you trust who trusts you, you need to treasure it.
Thanks you for sharing, too. I don't know why I didn't remember earlier, maybe because it's more than 10 years ago, but reading your post made me remember the one ex I was suspecting of cheating on me. With a certain somebody. The true problem I had with this was feeling her growing more and more distant to me, while getting closer to that somebody.
I met her years later on a festival, hand in hand with that exact person. Turns out she didn't cheat on me, but she couldn't simply draw a line where she should have (ending our relationship), leaving that uncomfortable matter to me.
Glad to hear and thanks!
Yes, consent is required for any relationship model. It makes me sad sometimes, that most relationships are "predefined" as monogamous in today's society... leading to many people not even acknowledging the alternatives.
Luckily, my girlfriend and me had a very cool start and spoke about any of this at length. And, as I said before, we were (and still are) in agreement with leading a monogamous relationship.
We've been there. Not the cheating. The sex life.
It's absolutely normal that a person's sexual desires grow weaker and stronger over time. We've had periods with a sex-life one could call furious, we've gone months without sex. We're okay with that and it's no reason to cheat, as far as I see it.
If it at some point in time doesn't work out for us anymore, we'll discuss it. And then either work it out together (therapy, different relationship model) or end the relationship. No betrayal neccessary.
Well, we're actually both not that keen on marrying, talking traditionally. We'd live happily together and not care what others think. But it has some benefits, speaking both financially and regarding the organization of our future life. It might be an obstacle when our common road leads to an end, but that's a price we're willing to pay - or rather a risk we're willing to take.
No shit, retard. What gave you that impression?
It is more complicated than her just randomly finding out but I didn't want to bore /adv/ with the details since they aren't very interesting.
Suffice to say that I was 19, retarded, and got caught.
Things like this make me sick. If I ever found out my SO was cheating on me I would leave without a word. It doesn't matter how much they love me, they lied about the nature of our relationship. If you thought your sex life was so bad you should talk to her about it first and then ultimately leave or discuss side sex partners.
If she is fine with it, let it be. But you can't lie to someone you love about something that serious. I hope that you get a side chick that falls in love with you and ruins your relationship.
no worries dude, most people get caught the first time. I've found that as you do it, you become better at it. It becomes second nature to delete your texts/apps, photos, convos, etc.
My advice is only cheat with girls that your gf doesn't know and live decently far away.
Most of the teenage autists on /adv/ who live in a bubble in flyover USA won't be able to understand this, how some people just have that urge to have sex with multiple partners but can still be emotionally committed to one person.
It does suck that you can't be with a woman who has this philosophy on life. I hope your cheating methodology is foolproof so you don't break this girl's heart.
Oh, we both know we've found something special in each other. And we'll be holding on to each other. I don't want to know whether to marry her or not... I want to be emotionally encouraged to not cheat on her. Not because I would, but because I fear I might have a weak moment at some time in the future - and I want to prepare for that.
Thanks for your reply, you've helped me a lot with that.
As far as I'm concernced, that's a lame excuse.
I'd write more, but >>16827912 got me covered.
Seriously, talk about it. Figure something out.
Thanks for sharing.
Maybe you and your wife should do therapy?
Meh, I'm 31 and I got all the crazy out of my system already. I really don't care about sex anymore.
The only dangerous thing now is that our relationship is still horrible and we don't talk. I have a lot of female friends that I know are interested in having sex with me but I am into stimulating conversation at this point, which is why I spend a lot of time on /adv/.
They tell me all the time that they wish they could find someone like me and it puffs up my ego. I'm trying to stop it but there are a whole lot of complications that are keeping those relationships going.
it doesn't really suck. Have an awesome gf, get to hang with cool hot girls who I share similar interests and want to have sex, have sleepovers at multiple girls apartments.
I feel like it improves my relationship. sexual frustration makes me turn into a cold dick, and I don't treat my gf as well. especially if she isn't in the mood that night.
If she's not in the mood but I am, I go and get my urges out, then come back and we're on the same level again. I honestly have no clue how married couples last without cheating, I believe a good portion of married men cheat. There's no way people can just put up with having sex all the time early on, then having almost no sex. It's impossible.
>Maybe you and your wife should do therapy?
Dude, we're so far beyond anything a therapist could help us with that it is not even funny.
I could go on for hours about the house of cards propping up our marriage.
I mean it sucks for her since she apparently believes she has a perfect relationship but doesn't understand how things really work. Being ignorant in general sucks.
Yeah, I don't know any married man who hasn't cheated at least once. The romanticism behind the institution is pretty ridiculous, especially since we have all the stats on infidelity these days.
If you don't even have children, and I understood you don't, then for the sake of the both of you, end that misery. She'll only ever be able to emotionally move on when you're gone. All you are doing is calming your bad conscience. So stop being selfish and file for a divorce.
Have you tried a different form of therapy?
Things were really bad with my gf. We both hated each other at a point, because we had so much contempt for each others past.
We took MDMA and it fixed literally everything. It felt like we just had the best sex of our lives. We laid in bed and stared at each other, telling each other how much we love one another and how much we care for each other.
It was extremely healing. We only took 100MG each. I wouldn't recommend more than that, it can get very intense.
Red wine is also extremely helpful.
I've tried to leave her probably ten times over the course of our marriage, she threatens to kill herself every time and has actually attempted twice which caused emergency department visits.
I love her and I don't want her to fucking die but I know our relationship is toxic and needs to end. I don't know what to do.
We're both federal employees who take urinalyses randomly so that is a no-go.
Honestly, if we got rid of her family then everything would be fine. I know that is never going to happen though so I'm just looking for a way to get out. I was thinking about just disappearing one day when she is at work.
when my ex cheated on me, i was totally broken. this guy who told me he loved me, who said he would spend the rest of his life with me, who said he believed i was his soul mate... cheated on me with a chick who was notorious for stringing guys along. he was the first guy i said i love you to, and had my first everything with him, and i really did play with the idea of us growing old together and having a family...
i still hate him 3 years later. and it's been very hard for me to trust a guy ever again. dated several guys after him, and dumped them all because i couldn't trust them. my current was only able to get a hold of me because he told me his last gf died in a car crash 3 years ago, and somehow that made me trust his intentions with me more.
still, i was so scared of admitting i loved him that i would spend countless nights lying in bed wide awake, ridden with anxiety. i still wonder everyday if he really loves me, and prepare myself mentally for if he ever cheats on me. he doesn't know any of this, but he certainly doesn't deserve this. i mean how fucking awful must i be if this man, who lost his last girlfriend to death, talks about growing old together and how what we have is true love, but i can't believe him because i remember my shitty ex said the same shit and cheated on me?
if you care about her, just don't do it. dump her if you have to, but please don't cheat.
My father cheated on my mother.
This was 4 years ago, while I was in the middle of my high school.
That just fucked her up, OP. She didn't finish her college to take care of me and my brother and became a housewife, she was usually really lonely with almost no friends but was really happy with just our family by her side.
Then my father cheated on her and she found out.
She had a pretty great self esteem before but after that she straight up stoped taking care of her body and started drinking and smoking a lot (A LOT).
Right after she found out she would wake me up at 3AM crying, would sleep until afternooons and just stoped taking care of the house.
I was 16 at the time and I had to attend HS from 6AM to 7PM, come home clean the house and make dinner for everyone (had no time to study). And those were the good days, they'd fight a lot.
Everytime my dad was home they would fight and scream with each other. The police came to my house 3 times because they were being too loud at 2AM/3AM.
My mom felt like scum, she had nowhere to go (she went to stay with my grandmother for a while but she was only ok there, she would always came back home and feel like shit again) and it was almost impossible for her to find a job at all.
I felt alienated, my brother was in England by that time so I had no support trough it. It was only me and them fighting, screaming every fucking night.
I felt really numb at the time. At school everything was perfect, I had really good friends and I had a really good time but I hated going back home, I hated them both for making me go through that hell.
Because I wasn't studying at home I started failing exams and I didn't got into a college at the end of high school. That made me feel like shit too, because I was the top of my year and even the dumbest little shit got into one.
Now I'm still trying to get into a college but I have been a NEET for 7 months now.
Mom and Dad are still together, and way better than before but my mother developted a drinking problem not to count how attention seeking she is now. If you don't say she is pretty/amazing she can cry very easily.
I don't really trust my Dad anymore and because he would spend a lot of time in a hotel during the fights he go himself in dept and we are in a very bad economic situation right now.
My brother is back home and he helps a lot, but I feel like I don't really trust people anymore.
So yeah, don't cheat.
Nothing wrong with polygamy. Blatant lying, and doing something your SO definitely WOULDN'T be fine with, is disgusting and wrong. Hiding something from them doesn't mean it isn't happening, or that it would hurt them any less.
I'd leave anyone doing something like this without a second thought, they clearly wouldn't love me at all if they'd betray the mutual trust like this.
>Just know that if you do it you are human trash. I had a girlfriend cheat on my and I swear I was going to beat her. My friend talked me out of it but if it weren't for him I'd have probably hurt her for life. People who cheat are fucking scum.
Go back and read your post and I hope that you realize what a fucking asshole you are.
Not hard to understand why she cheated on you--it's because you're a worthless POS.
Dude. C'mon.... you know damn well your getting married you just don't want to wear the guilt alone so you ask others when you clearly understand their is a moral issue because your getting married.... that right there shows you have a moral grounds. Words of advice OP.
>feel like shit.
>Future wife/girl/man/whatever Will find out eventually.
>She will seek comfort, perhaps in the arms of a REAL man who can treat her with more respect and prob fuq her better anyways cause he would probably respect AND love her.
>If you never made love its awesome.
>she will be gone forever.
and you get one of three honeys who may or may not be with you.
What is it gonna be?
Cheat on your spouse who has been there for 5 years and throw away a love your not prepared to lose for some random chicks you have study group with? or work besides?
>Doesn't matter really. you obviously have considered cheating because you want some advice so here it is.
>Leave the girl your with AFTER you tell her what you have considered and revel in shit cause any woman strong enough to be faithful for 5 years+ deserves a little moar respect dawg. get your priorities straight and realize what you have homey.
Dude your in school.
You have a down ass chick.
You have a job.
you can potentially fuck all of those things up for yourself cause your a fucking dweeb that thinks cause a women has a pussy and you get that you rule the world, dude, your gf has a vjayjay be happy with that and get your shit together and be a respectable man.
I'm with you on this.
I might have read your post wrong, but it looks like you somehow got the impression I asked for advice on how to cheat. It's the opposite, actually.
I want to *not* cheat on her. Ever. I just came here to reaffirm those concerns you just wrote: She would find out. Even if not, it would have an impact. And be it an ever so small fear of being caught slowly undermining the foundation of trust our relationship is built on.
I don't want that. I don't want to lose her, but more importantly, I don't want to hurt her. So yeah, I'm with you on this.
If you do it you will be posting here in a few weeks asking how to get her back, and then a few weeks after that asking about how to get over her. You marry her and stay faithful to her for the rest of your life.
Don't be human trash. Either grow a pair and dump her (you're marrying half-assedly anyway) or wank the thought away.
It takes a special kind of sociopath to be a successful cheater and not be destroyed by guilt/self-hatred for the rest of your life. If you haven't done it already you probably aren't one.
My bf has tried to cheat on me, and I turned into a crazy mess cause of it. I stole his phone and payed for a service that let me read his texts and calls and I caught him getting off of work about to fuck one of his coworkers. I've gotten less crazy as the months go by and i'm actually less on edge then I was before(so I guess it kinda worked in his favor a little) but I don't feel like I can trust him again. We've been together 4 years and have talked about marriage prior but now I just deflect/avoid talking about marrying him or having kids or anything like that. I still want to be with him, and that's what makes it bad, I still love him even though he was an asshole, but I will not be able to be 100% serious about our relationship for a while. Sometimes i'll have a thought in the back of my head that I should cheat on him, or make it seem that way to see if I can break him like me.
MDMA is water soluble. After 24hrs it can only be found in ~25% of urine samples, 1.5% after 72hrs
>Percentage of marriages that end in divorce in America: 53%
>Percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%
>Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 57%
>Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 54%
>Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker: 36%
>Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips: 36%
Average length of an affair: 2 years
>Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%
>Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
>Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%
We've dropped mdma before and after said incident(>>16830881) and I try not to take it or seek it out so much anymore, and when I do take it I try to make him focus more or other things and not sex/lovey dovey stuff.
long run, cheating isn't worth it because whoever you're cheating with isn't quality material you should have in your life anyways.
cheated with multiple women on my wife and we are still married. i crave companionship more than sex so none of it worked. figure out if you're just wanting someone different physically or its a companionship thing. if its physical, you should talk to her about your options; if its companionship, you should seek it out through appropriate channels.