Took a friend out and bought food and shit for her. She piles sand in my body at the beach and now some of it's in my belly button. I am pissed off at her because of fear at grains that will get stuck or unfound by me which can lead to infection. If I didn't find out about the sand falling into my belly button I could have been seriously hurt. want an apology from her. Is this a good message? I know it can seem sensitive of me to feel this way but I do and can't help it, I also think I'm justified. But I don't want to start drama over this.
"There's a lot of sand stuck in my belly button from the sand you piled on me today. This is very hard to remove and could have been infected if I didn't know it was there. Don't do things like this in the future."
Pls justify why you think so. I could be making a mistake
I'm really hypersensitive. It seems unreal but I am, I've posted on this board about other things regarding sexual harassment before. If you think I'm trolling then fuck off.
Thanks for the responses. I used to confront people in s more accusatory and aggressive manner which made me afraid to confront people at all. Now I have to ask other people's advice every time I want an apology.
Planning on it. But sand can get stuck in the skin folds and crevices. The potential for infection pisses me off the most.
This is my new updated message. Is it fair and reasonable?
"There's a lot of sand stuck in my belly button from the sand you piled on me today. This is very hard to remove and could have caused infection if I didn't find out it was there. I've also had pains in the area that I'm not sure if related to the sand. I know you didn't mean to cause harm. Don't do things like this in the future. I'd like an apology for this as I am rather insulted and annoyed (might have to see a doctor to remove them)"
I don't want to lose this friend but I feel very annoyed.
I understand why people might think this way. I am very sensitive, wasn't always this way (happened in the last 5 years). I just feel like I shouldn't let her get away with potentially causing me an infection since I am insulted by that. I understand your logic is perhaps "she didn't mean it and I can clean it out, there's no harm done since I know it's there". But the time and effort used also annoys me.
Please help me get over it or build confidence about it. I am very lost and indecisive.
OK, I'll take this seriously on the very slight chance that you're not just a retarded shitposter. You're in the wrong. You're acting like a crazy person. Don't demand an apology from her, she did nothing wrong. Don't send her, or anybody, any fucking messages about this at all. Just suck it the fuck up.
You're either autistic -- I don't mean that as just an insult, I mean you literally sound like you might be autistic -- or you're so immature you're almost a child. Either way, stop being you for a second and suppress the urge to mention this complete non-incident to anybody ever again.
I hope this is fake cuz you seem autistic,but I know people like what you portray, actually exist.
So for that I will give you the benefit of the doubt and answer your questions
You're hyper sensitive as you said, and that stems from a lack of confidence, you're warped into that .. image that you've built in your head, I know, because I had these times too.
I will give you the simplest solution only a stranger on the internet could give you, what you want to do with it is your decision from there on out.
Your reactions to things people do shouldn't over-extend a certain border, if you've told them to stop once, twice, and you have mentioned that this is not the first time the girl does something like this - you will not go out of your comfort zone to get her to stop, it will make you seem needy and put you in a position where she is above you in a way, and if she reacts a certain way you will get even more hurt, which will cause a dilemma of whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with her (any kind of relation)
And so, my advice (and It's advice for life), if you asked for a certain behavior to stop and it did not, and you are lost for what to do, do not extend out of your comfort zone, your actions will be what determines what comes in the continuation of your relationship.
Which means - people that can't be trusted to do (or avoid doing) something you asked of them, whether it be stop bugging you, or give you your money back, or not call you a certain name, you simply will answer by changing your course of action, your actions mean much more than words and will also hit harder (if that's what you seek)
And so, if you lent a person money once and he never paid it back - you never loan them again, or if you do, you know that money is gone forever.
And if your little friend, does things that are against your Morales or views or just straight-up nasty, you change your habits of hanging out with her, or you stop hanging out with her. (1/2)
Yes but that is in my control and my responsibility. She put sand in me and now I have to waste time cleaning it, she also put me at risk of infection. There's black and brown grains in my navel and my finger can't reach it. I can't see all the grains.
You gave no reason or explanation to justify the things you told me to do. You just called me a bunch of names that I've thought of before. I need some logic and reasoning.
If she does something specific and you can change your actions to avoid that, for example - she is a very playful person which goes out of her way in being playful and so she spills sand on you in the beach, don't do activities like going to the beach with her anymore.
If she's a part of your friends circle, this is more problematic since you'll have to tell her off, to gtfo, or leave your friends entirely.
tl;dr and also conclusion - if anyone doesn't understand asking (and it seems that she doesn't), use actions to define your future, you can control *your* actions, but not hers.
if you know that you're hypersensitive, you should work on changing your attitude rather than asking the world to conform to your needs.
Does she know that you're a little bitch about this stuff? If she's friends with you regardless then your message probably won't upset her because she expects crap like this from you, but if it were me and my friend sent me that after a day at the beach I'd probably apologize but see it as a red flag and slowly cut that person out of my life.
You have to decide what's more important- being comfortable or having friends.
Also don't say "I don't want to start drama", because you're starting drama. You're creating an issue over a minuscule thing. So, don't pretend like you're a drama free individual when you're so hypersensitive
Thanks for the response and benefit of the doubt. I know I sound autistic. My old mindset would call me autistic.
She hasn't done the same thing before but she's annoyed me before accidentally ( spitting on me while talking, touching open cuts on my arm to sooth them, insulting me accidentally) but she apologized a lot when I bring it up or express my annoyance.
I just don't want her to react differently and be upset with me and argue back instead of being understanding and apologetic as she usually is.
Eh you see I don't see it as minuscule because I am in risk of infection (imagine having sand stuck in your dick hole because that's the seriousness by which I view the situation).
Everyone saying it's not a big deal please elaborate why so I won't feel insulted and I can be at peace.
I'm the guy you replied to
Seems like you're working off of her reactions and actions more than anything, you need to stop being dependent and definitely do not put yourself in that position of sending her a "Request for apology", I've been in that position, don't continue to negotiate or reason with someone who makes you uncomfortable doing certain things **If you already asked and they offended you again**
What you do from here on out is choose your actions, so that in the FUTURE, YOU can prevent it, people cannot be changed, and if she doesn't comply then that's just who it is, you either soak it up or change your course of action.
Personally, I refuse to let any sort of cancer into my life, poisonous people, even if they can be nice - if they make me uncomfortable, I won't go out of my own comfort zone to please them or continue hanging out with them.
There are 7 billion people in the world, the environment you choose to put yourself into is the cake you'll eventually eat, and it will determine alot of your life style, mood, and also your choices.
So choose wisely what you do next, but don't negotiate, change your course of action.
I'm not going to spend twenty minutes explaining how and why exactly you're in the wrong to somebody who might be a troll. This is the situation. I'm a well-adjusted, reasonably sociable adult, so I know what constitutes acceptable behavior and what doesn't. You clearly don't. My advice will save you a lot of embarrassment if you follow it. If you're smart, you'll listen to me, but it's no skin off my nose if you don't.
Also approaching this thread like you're trolling... but just in case you're not...
This is extremely autistic and overblown. Your belly button is not at a severe risk of infection, and I'm sure 95% of the people who go to the beach end up with sand in their belly button.
This is not a big deal, because as previously mentioned, it is easily fixable. You are also culpable for going to a place where you are worried about getting an infection, and not informing someone that you have concerns about this. You should probably avoid places that make you uncomfortable if it is this serious.
Take a shower, wash it out, and consider some kind of therapy for your sensitivity. Because if you sent me a text like this, I'd laugh you out the door and probably not call back again.
No you're fucking idiots because you elaborated nothing by calling me immature and overreacting with explanation as to why. I can't read your minds. I gave my reasons. If you are just here to attack me then fuck off.
To be honest she's a really nice girl who's very easy going. She doesn't repeat things I don't like most of the time (eg stopped hitting me jokingly after I told her to stop). I wouldn't call her poisonous but more just that I'm uptight and she doesn't think often before she does things.
I really loved the novel Eragon when I was a kid (yeah, yeah, it's so shitty, I had really bad taste.) There's a scene in it where Eragon describes a method of torture wherein you take a single grain of sand, make it glow red hot with magic, and implant it inside somebody so that it burns its way through their body. But it's so small that it takes like thirty years to burn its way out, and the person spends their life in constant pain. I always thought that was a horrifying but pretty creative idea.
My point, OP, is that that's magic fucking sand, and in the real world, all you have to do is take a bath, submerge your belly button and kind of swish water at it, and all the sand will come out! You don't even have to use soap, though I'm told it can sometimes help!
it ain't a few grains. There's several stuck in there. It can cause infection over time if it stays in there and u don't find it. My family can't afford therapy anymore but the psychologist suggested I use this method.
No just turned sensitive from terrible influences in life (loser violent manchild stepfather, made a loser friend who would always demand apologies because I picked on him for being a self entitled prick (I copied his bad habits since they were ones I was taught by my mum not to do as I did them when I was younger)) in the last few years. I also feel weak if I don't confront my friend as if I'm running from problems by trying to let it go and forget it.
Trolls pls go. Your aggression makes my sensitivity worse.
Eargh. Her boyfriends autistic (doesn't let her have male friends, wear shorts or dresses) so I'll assume she's accepting of fussy shit from men.
Reason I want to stay with her is that we have A LOT of hobbies and habits in common (just different attitudes)
I've thought of this and I always think of these perspectives but I can't do it since I just feel the need for justice and i feel like a Pussy for putting up with it instead of demanding it to stop and asking for an apology ( addressing my hurt).
What we're telling you is that
1) your chances of getting an infection from having sand in your belly button is minuscule. That's like if someone invited you to a lake and you swam in the water and then were like "WHAT IF I GET A FLESH EATING VIRUS! APOLOGISE!".
2)The other factor is that she did not intend to give you and infection or put sand into the crevaces of your body, so there was no malintent.
We know this situation really bothered you. It's ok that you feel really angry at her. But if you want to have a friendship, you need to learn to deal with this annoyance yourself and be a mature adult.
You are hypersensitive to things. To ask her to be "more considerate" when tiny little things like the possibility of sand-related infection freak you the fuck out is too much. She'd have to walk on eggshells.
You were at the beach. Obviously there was a risk of getting sand in and on your body. It is YOUR fault for placing yourself in and around sand if you were not comfortable having it in/on you.
You should have said "can we do something besides the beach today? I hate sand"
I love sand. She was pouring sand all over me while I sunbaked and I didn't realise it was getting into my navel until too late.
I know it wasn't purposeful so perhaps I should not put her in the wrong. But she put me at risk through her actions whether intentional or not which makes me think she is in the wrong. It's like being accidentally dragged along by a car when your friend drives when one leg is still stuck in the car because they weren't looking at you.
Pretty much this.
Part of growing up is learning to differentiate actual slights -- wherein the other person is actually at fault -- from socially acceptable acts that the other person couldn't reasonably have been expected to know would annoy you.
Not confronting somebody over the former arguably makes you a pussy. Confronting somebody over the latter makes you an asshole.
This is the latter.
Its not justice. The reason feel like a pussy is because you think you're in a confrontation and you were wronged. You weren't. There's nothing to back down from. The "wrong" is in your head. In reality, a friend did something innocent most people would tolerate and you've taken it to be a wrong. If you keep having these unreasonable expectations of other people's behaviour, people will be constantly worried about making you angry and they won't want to be friends anymore.
Its OK to have phobias, but don't let them give you a victim complex. She's got nothing to apologieze for becaus its a wierd mistake to make. If you feel that badly about it, tell her that you don't like people putting sand in your belly button, but don't demand an apology.
But I'd seriously advise you to get over it. Not for her, but because it can't be good for you to be stressing out over things that minor.
If you demand an apology for every little thing, apologies for true transgressions aren't going to mean anything.
A real man stands up for the important things in his life, that's when he's not a pussy. He understands to take care of himself otherwise. Take care of yourself. Your sensitivity makes you a pussy, because you want to throw a tantrum when someone did something that wasn't intended to harm you at all.
Also I feel victimised
Now we are getting somewhere. I'll read in a few hours since its 6am. I'll go clean myself now. Thanks for the patience. No one in my life bothers to help me so /adv/ is a last hope sometimes. And trolling anything that isn't /pol/ cuckthteads is a waste of time.
Whoever toughy you the word "hypersensitive" really did you a disservice. You've latched on to it hard, and now your using it as an excuse to act like a pissy little bitch.
I'm surprised anybody wants to be your friend cause you sound like a god awful one.
Man the fuck up you little pussy faggot.
Here's an analogy. I have a sensory processing disorder. I'm super fucking sensitive to certain textures, especially metallic ones. Touching metal silverware, for instance, is literally physically painful for me, and my negative associations with it are so strong that I hate even the sound of silverware clinking together. I hate eating Italian food because every fucking course requires silverware! Sometimes the knife, fork, AND spoon get involved together, and they clink together, and auauuuarurgh.
There's nothing wrong with silverware, obviously. The problem is with me. I'm a fucking crazy person. So if I'm eating with somebody and they sort of tap their knife and fork together accidentally, I'm not going to demand a fucking apology from them, because they didn't do anything wrong. What they did would have been completely harmless if they were eating with almost anybody except for me. So when it happens I suck it up, because I have the perspective to realize their behavior isn't the issue; my hypersensitivity is (which I have taken phys. therapy to partially correct, incidentally.)
(Though if I'm eating with somebody who I'm very good friends with, it's *not* socially unacceptable to say beforehand, 'Hey, look, I have this disorder and the sound of metal against metal sets my teeth on edge. I know it's insane, but it would seriously mean so much to me if this time we could eat somewhere where I didn't have to use silverware. Oh, hey, I know this ramen place downtown ...' See the difference?)
>I also think I'm justified.
You're not. You're 100% unjustified, not even justified in the slightest. I think this might be the least justified complaint I've ever heard on /adv/, or hell - anywhere. "You got sand on me at the beach" is possibly the least legitimate complaint in the history of complaints.
You sound dumb and ugly. Because you are.
You got triggered like a bitch.
I try to control my autism as best as I can
Nah it's more that I've gone into a different mindset.
You are all just attacking me now because you're butthurt and insecure at your morals being challenged by my opinions.
Hmm I've thought of a good way to solve this and understand your views.
I was just thinking of how guilty I felt for keeping her out with me so late since she wore little and the night got s little cold (I was freezing in pants and s shirt, she wore a short and loose dress).
She could have blamed me for keeping her out so late and potentially getting a cold when I could have let her go home earlier. Hmmhmmm I feel a little better. Thanks for the patience again.
This is like the 50th. She's into me (made her salit on my lap once but she got embarrassed when some ugly middle aged hag told us to "get a room") but she has a boyfriend and she's indecisive, innocent and sweet so she hasn't given in.
Yes I am friend zoned af.But she seems to tolerate my advances (eg the massaging). Am also looking for other women but it's hard you know.
Imo you should just let it go for now. That's something that you should have said something about at the time it happened. If you wait so long to bring it up, it's a little weird and it makes it seem like a really really big deal. Which it shouldn't be. She probably just didn't know.