I need some /adv/ bigtime.
I’m dead inside right now you guys.
Things ended this weekend between me and my girlfriend of the last five years. I met her when I was 22 and I’m 27 now. Things were fantastic, not even one year ago she loved me like there was no tomorrow and I did as well. And there was never one day where we didn’t let each other know that. Around December maybe even late November I noticed she started changing. She became colder, more distant, wanted to spend less time together and just stayed in her home playing wow and going to work.
At first I was okay with it but she began to ignore me, and after we’d talk and I’d say I love you she wouldn’t say it back anymore, after a few weeks of this I finally called her out on it and she confessed to me that she actually started to lose her romantic feelings towards me and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Mostly because I was and still am deeply in love with her. She said I was the perfect boyfriend but just didn’t love me like she once did. While part of her did and she didn’t want to lose me, she no longer has romantic feelings for me anymore. I never treated her wrong, I never hurt her, I was always attentive and loving and lived and died for her smile.
I asked her to be truthful, if there was anyone else but there’s not. All she does now is go to work and play WoW with her guild friends.
It’s devastated me though, since she told me she lost those feelings I became a mess. I’ve tried to forget her, tried to move on, but I can’t. I think about her, the last five years we had and it makes me mad that she didn’t try to fight for them, or for us. I realize you can’t force people to love you but damn I didn’t do anything wrong and I genuinely loved her and thought she was the one. I even wanted to marry her.
I don’t know what to do. I’m shattered and broken hearted mess. The light has gone out of my life and I don’t see any hope. How can I move on? What can I do? How do I get better? Please tell me I’m at my most lowest.
I'm normally such a stoic dude, but I've become an emotional mess over this woman. I've tried to keep my mind occupied by doing other things but it gets so much worse at night. I can't stop thinking about her. And when I dream, she's there. I draw, I work out till exhaustion but it doesn't help.
I can't eat, I can't sleep well and it's really bad.
How do you get over it? What helps? what can I do? Anyone that has ever experience heartbreak over the girl they thought was the one please help me.
Hi OP, I've been in your shoes, only I'm a girl. We were together for over five years when he told me he no longer loved me. It hurt just the way you described it, and there was never any sense or purpose to it. I also looked for answers and reasons why he fell out of love, but honestly not everything has a reason - sometimes, shit just happens and you can't control how people feel, no matter how strongly you feel for them. You need to have the foresight I didn't have and break it off with her now, because trying to hold onto love when love isn't there is the worst feeling in the world. It's going to hurt like Hell, but please trust me that it's much better than the mistake I made where I kept trying to hold on to something that just wasn't there anymore. There's never any sense in heartache, it's just something you have to learn to accept, and you can't accept it when you're clinging to a dream that doesn't exist anymore. She is no longer the woman you fell in love with. The woman you love is the one that loves you back; she is not this anymore, and you need to let go before it eats you alive. If your experience is anything like mine, you will gradually accept it and move on. It gets easier day by day, but it never really goes away completely, but that's okay too because eventually it doesn't hurt, it's just something that's there. Please reach out to your friends. Anytime you feel alone or want to reach out to her, reach out to your friends instead, because she will only be a cold reminder of what you lost. The first few months are the worst. It took me almost two years to completely get over the aftermath, but I promise it is worth it and a lot better than the alternative.
The best thing you can do is talk to your friends. Even when you feel shitty, please just talk to someone. You need your own support group right now separate from her. Get out of the house, go to some meetups, and try some new things.
You understand my pain, it’s exactly how you say. I just can’t believe it happened it feels like a freak accident sometimes. Or a really bad dream that I can’t wake up from. I feel like the love of my life was replaced by a skinwalker while I wasn’t looking. Shes just changed so damn much I can’t even recognize her. Yet I still love her, because I have hope. I have hope that one day she might remember and come back but the more time passes the more I realize that you are right. The girl I loved is gone.
Its just killing me so much to accept that.
I’ve been trying to distract myself but everything reminds me of her. The songs on the radio all seem to be about love and heartbreak, every show seems to be going trough some shit about this too. She had a really common first and last name so I hear it often and its like a spike going trough my heart.
I am trying to hang out with my friends more, and it really does help I feel like things will be okay and I will laugh again. But it’s the coming home and being alone part that sucks. My friends have told me to make a match.com or a tinder to try to meet someone else but that’s so far from my mind right now.
I wish I had more online friends, even if just to talk.
That’s true man.
What sucks is that I really gave this relationship everything I had. I was a genuinely good boyfriend. I did everything right I never even cheated on her, I loved her completely. Yet this happened. I feel like if there is a next girl I’d live with the fear of knowing that an axe is coming eventually and out of nowhere just ‘boom’. Its all over. Just like this time.
I wish I could just not care and become a savage sometimes I swear, but I know that they carry an emptiness inside them.
Yeah, I understand the skinwalker part to a tee, heh. It's a really jarring experience. It's okay to feel as bad as you feel right now - think of it this way, you spent nearly a quarter of your lived life with this woman, of course it's going to hurt. You grew together during some pretty critical years in your life, when you're developing your identity the most. It's okay to dwell and reminisce a little bit, to let yourself be sad and cry. That's part of the healing process too. Just try your best to take small steps to reclaim an identity outside of her, because right now your mind is so full of her and what you were together that you've forgotten what you were like on your own. It takes time to rekindle an identity within yourself after something like this happens, but it will happen, little by little, if you allow yourself to. And you need to. Try some things you haven't tried before, even if it's just a new video game or board game, cooking some different meal. Try to discover different parts of yourself that you didn't know about before or maybe forgot about when you were focused on your relationship. Reach out to your friends whenever you need to and don't be scared to do it. Your real friends will understand that healing takes time, especially if they've been through something similar. I know that your pain seems very specific and unique, and it always does in breakups, but many others have been through what you are going through, and you can see that it does change and things do get better, with time and growth. Time was honestly the thing that helped me the most, along with hanging out with friends and eventually giving dating a try again (even if I wasn't initially cool on it). Don't force yourself on Tinder or any sort of hookups if you're not comfortable with it. You don't need to do anything that will make you uncomfortable. I do think meeting new people will help, but don't feel pressure to date or hook up. Just evaluate yourself honestly.
That's the thing about relationships though, absolutely nothing outside of yourself is guaranteed, not even your relationship with your closest friends or family. It's a really hard thing to reconcile, and it's never ever fair, but it's critical to come to terms with it and then become okay with the idea that you can't ever fully depend or "need" another person - you need to be completely okay with just yourself before you can have any sort of healthy relationship with another individual.
Thank you anon. You've given me a lot of inspiration. I guess I just have to let time do it's work.
I worry sometimes though about not finding anyone else and being alone forever, how do you get over that? The loneliness. Friends are friends, but more than anything I miss her companionship. She was like a happy place I could always return to. I could tell her my biggest fears, joys, hopes and dreams. My ideas and my worries and doubts. I miss that so much.
Do you ever worry you might not find that again?
You are right anon. I became to comfortable with the idea of her being in my life. The truth is though, I genuinely thought I had found "the one" you know? She used to love me so much that I never feared a future without her. We both talked about marriage and a house, the dogs, etc. So this all completely blindsided me.
I guess I have to come to terms with letting go, and accepting that I have no control over things. I have been trying to better myself though. I've been working out like crazy and have lost weight and getting fit. I'm eating right I even joined a Muay Thai gym. I'm just trying to regain the confidence I once had in myself because it really took a tremendous blow.
I'll tell you the truth OP.
She never felt the way you felt towards her.
You were an "experiment".
You were a trial.
But that's OK.
Life goes on.
You are young.
Fucking met her off WoW or some shit?
Get on with it.
Meet regular girls.
Be worth their love.
The opus is on you now.
> i was a good bf i never even cheated.
The fact that you think not cheating makes you a good boyfriend is pretty fucking lame dude. Not only does it show how fucking immature you are, it also shows how you look at relationships and life. Not cheating dosent make you a good boyfriend... not cheating makes you a person with integrity so good for you there i guess.
2) she is 100% cheating (even if it is just emotionally) the sigbs and characteristics you described when she started to "change" are dead ringers for a cheater.leave her ass and move on. Hobbies, friends, sport (see hobbies) and work are all good things to throw yourself into to try to take the pressure off thinking about her. I actually think you (and anyobe in your position) deserve better than the way she is treating you.
The behaviour is that of a cheater ... it may not have been physical but at min emotional ....
Do youself a favour bro leave her and start moving on it will be hard but its worth it
Had a similar experience, girlfriend told me she didn't love me anymore and felt she was just comfortable with me and wanted some time to think it over. Turns out she had a crush on some other guy and was considering pursuing that, I wouldn't rule out cheating if I were you, sorry anon.
Women are cruel in a way you can't possibly appreciate until you see it from the inside. Lack of worth in a suitor translates to complete "badness." They'll exploit, abuse, humiliate, etc. a person if they're not an Impressive Male Specimen. There's almost a weird hatred there for failed, weak men. Even among the nicest, most reflective ones, there is always this tinge of enjoying shitting directly down a beta male's throat. Especially when that beta male is cluelessly supplicating, doesn't realize his own unworthiness, etc. It's so hard to describe the juxtaposition of what your dick wants you to think they are, and what they really are.
Just remember, women have no sense of their romantic or even their sexual power over you. They benefit from it, they're immersed in it, but they don't embody it gracefully or graciously. The chivalrous worship that some part of your brain wants to give to them isn't reciprocated on any instinctive level by them, there is no yin / yang harmony waiting to happen there. They are basically short, weak, listlessly hedonistic men, boring and petty and selfish by default, who have been born with a silver spoon between their legs. They will not be nice to you if you kneel and offer your heart to them. That cooing "awww" moment where they realize the depth of your love is more substantial than some alpha male's Lamborghini only exists in movies. Women exist to take the hearts of supplicants and sell them on the black market to pay for the alpha's Lambo lease. Especially be wary if you meet one or end up dating one and find yourself thinking "this one's DIFFERENT."
Those ones are the ones that take the other organs too. Always close yourself off a bit with women. The transcendent friendship your culture tells you you'll find with them is a misguided delusion of degraded Platonic love. They don't understand it and they never will.
Maybe you are right. One of the worst things about this whole thing is that even after she told me she had lost the romantic feelings for me I was still willing to fight for her and try to win her heart back. But she never seemed like she was willing to try to fight for what we had.
Well shit. I guess if thats the case the rage from that will drive me forget her faster.
Different anon here. I met my husband and his ex over a videogame many years ago. She seemed like a decent enough person, and he was always so good to her, but she began cultivating relationships with people online. Eventually guys would start to visit, would get to her place, and find out that she was living with a boyfriend she never mentioned. He went through hell and had to break it off with her, because she was too much of a coward to say anything. She ended up getting pregnant by some guy from another country that she met on said game, moved away, and has lived (from what I can tell) a pretty shitty life. She's tried contacting him on multiple occasions, and they're friends on FB, but he doesn't really give her the time of day. She apparently blames me for everything that happened, saying that I turned him against her, when really, she's unable to accept the fact that she's a cheating cunt. But blame-shifting and being unable to accept responsibility is something she's known for.
It sucks right now, and you'll feel like shit for a long time, but don't give up on love. You just need to find someone that's willing to pull their weight in the relationship. If things get too comfortable/friendly, it's on both people to talk about it and remedy the situation.
Had a similar experience a few years ago. She was my girlfriend of 4 years and friend of 8, and she had just started getting really distant. The relationship dragged on for a few months before we finally talked and she told me there just really wasn't anything there anymore. Shortly after that, she was dating a mutual friend of ours.
I was really messed up for a while. A while being something like 2 years. Looking back, I still don't know what went wrong in the relationship, but I know what I was doing wrong. I had put all my self-worth, all my focus, all my -everything- into just being in a relationship. When that fell through, I had nothing. Once I finally got comfortable with myself as a person, everything got much better.
Maybe this isn't what you want to hear right now, but it sounds like some single time might be good for you. Find what makes you happy, get to know your friends, maybe date once you feel like you're ready. You're gonna be okay, I promise.
Most importantly, don't listen to the /r9k/ shit in here. Your ex wasn't evil or trying to rend your soul or anything. She wanted something different out of her life. It happens.
Take care out there, anon.
This was powerful.
Yeah in retrospect I think I did the same thing. I put everything I had into this relationship and broke my back trying to make her happy.
Thank you, I really am going to try to get to know myself better. Become a better me.
But damn, it still hurts. But Im going to try my best, thanks anon.
Seek that attention you got from her elsewhere, you miss her because she doesn't give you attention anymore. you need to replace it with something else, people usually use drugs, but that never lasts because it's not sustainable. Try something new, almost anything. It also sounds you want someone to listen to what has happened to you. I don't think anything I am going to so say is going to make you feel better, but I am hear to listen.
I've been going through this the past seven months. Whatever you do, dont try to be friends with her right now. Completely disappear from her life and dont go back no matter how much you miss her and want to talk to her. I made the mistake of trying to stay friends with my ex and it only made it harder to get over it. Like getting your heart broken over and over again. Disappear and get your dignity back.
I thought about this. I deleted her off a lot of my social media, steam, skype, and even my phone contact list.
Part of me wonders, what if she wanted to come back though? what if she misses me and realizes she made a mistake?
Do I just need to get over it and let go?
Yeah your right. I mostly deleted her off everything to spare myself the pain of trying to contact her and telling her how I feel and how much I need her and how much I miss the last five years and I still love her.
Shit, this is all probably so cringeworthy to you guys im sorry if im coming off that way.
I have experienced this twice OP, a very similar situation, and twice, it turned out that the girl had someone else (in the first case physically and the second one emotionally). The best advice I can give is stay away from this person for ever and try to move on.
Sounds like you need to work on yourself, OP.
You lived for her. In your eyes, she completed you. You gotta live for yourself now. Once you learn to be a whole person again, go out and find someone better.
I guess I do.
How do I start living for myself? Like what do you do?
So far i've just been working out getting back in shape it also helps with the anxiety and stress from all of this.
What do you guys suggest? What are some other ideas?
OP I had the same situation too except instead of wow she ran off with some of my friends, I 420 blazed it for a few years getting over it got back together with her and mooch off her now. Its gonna hurt forever and it changes you internally but from my personal experience you feel a bit more solid inside afterwards and can handle that shit.
Pretty much I was just available, like we kept talking and eventually I was like nah this isn't cool and moved on focusing on my own life finally and THATS when she wanted me back. That and some other circumstances that we had to help each other with. I wouldn't say I forgave tho I still keep myself guarded. So yeah my best advice would be to focus on yourself and still remain polite but semi distant and if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out my man, you deserve better if it doesn't.
No problem my brother, glad I could be of help, I had nobody there to share my experience so it was hard, but at least you know others have been there and we came out okay, you'll be fine give it 6 months
Thanks man. Thanks to all you anons who have known this pain and have told me its going to be okay.
I really truly felt horrible and alone, it really has helped.
It'll take me a while to stop missing her, and loving her but i'll get there. Hopefully.
Honestly I like reading stuff like this on /adv/, Makes me feel more connected to people. Both your experience, and the advice other people are giving you. People have a lot of similar experiences.
yo that is me right now... I had to delete her from my phone, she also blocked me from FB, it's an emotional roller coaster, I have lost about 11 pounds, feels like withdrawals, physically and mentally.
But I'm also learning to let go.. I don't have as much anxiety anymore waiting for her call, I gave her many chances to come back so it's time to move on.
Damn. I remember this song from Drive. I watched that with her in the movie theater.
That's exactly where I'm at man. I haven't been able to sleep or eat at all for a long time. I remember a study that said the same part of the brain that gets affected by heartbreak is the same one that deals with drug withdrawal.
I know exactly what that's like, its like there's this giant void that nothing seems to fill.
Even when I work out to the point of exhaustion I still can't sleep and when I do? She's in my dreams.
I always check my phone hoping she'd text, but she hasn't.
I have her many chances too, so I guess we both have to just come to terms and move on.
>I always check my phone hoping she'd text, but she hasn't. I have her many chances too, so I guess we both have to just come to terms and move on.
yuuup. every time my phone makes a sound I think it's her.. gives me a lot of stress actually. Deleting her number felt like deleting my dealer's number.. like it's final. Only difference is that I knew my dealer's number by heart, I have no clue what her phone number is.
we were friends for 2 years and dated for 2 more, it's been 1 month since we broke up. It does get better, and each time I think of her less.
Only thing is.. one day she will phone again, she said she would.. and I'm not sure if I will react kindly.
>I remember a study that said the same part of the brain that gets affected by heartbreak is the same one that deals with drug withdrawal.
I'm going to look that up, I actually was so fucked up I had to call my old drug councilor, it helped a lot talking to her, and she already knew my history so it felt good talking to her.
no these guys are wrong about her cheating. They have their causation mixed up - feeling the way your GF did is not a symptom of cheating, it is a pre-condition for cheating; branch-swingers all cheat in order to escape a relationship they no longer want, but the lack of desire comes first.
This, I was cheated on a while back and months later, she admitted that she realized the only reason she did was that she didn't have the heart to break up with me so she'd rather I did it, pretty selfish in my opinion considering the feeling of betrayal hurt more than the feeling that she wanted out.
First off OP, I'm gonna bump this post again, even though you've already taken note of it. This really is the best answer.
I just want to add that there's really no evidence of cheating here. It may or may not have happened, but there's no reason to be paranoid here. If she is a person who you've known to be honest, then you might as well be believe her. It certainly doesn't make you overly trusting or stupid to take her at her word. Trust is risky, but it's not dumb, and there's no reason to attach cynicism to all this, because it will only make the world seem darker and other people harder to love. If she did cheat on you, then you still haven't made a mistake. There are both good and bad people out there.
That said, the signs of her becoming emotionally distant are just that, they are signs of her emotional state, not of her behavior. You can't extrapolate beyond what you know. She was unhappy with the relationship, that doesn't mean she cheated.
People all behave differently and strangely. I've never been in a relationship where reactionary and paranoid advice ever served me well. Hell, emotional distance often just means someone is depressed about something completely unrelated, or they're preoccupied with some chronically stressful situation, or something like that. People react to things as individuals.
What I'm trying to say is, focus on yourself, move forward, but don't let this situation make you underestimate people in your future. Don't be blind, but don't be cynical. And I'm truly sorry it's so painful right now. I know if feels like absolute poison inside you. But once that starts to pass, you'll get this feeling like clean water, and that's your little internal permission to start again. It won't feel like starting over.
>I even wanted to marry her
Maybe that's what she wanted. Women are fickle and get easily bored, after 5 years perhaps she expected you to show some commitment. Also, like >>16811901 said she's probably friends with someone online who's poisoned her mind. I think you've done what you can, if she wants to get back she should be the one to take action first. DO NOT go to her. Be of the mindset that you're better off without her because if you were as good to her as you said and she lost interest, you ARE better off without her.