>be me, 20 years old
>get involved with plenty of women
>every time we get sexual i completely fuck it up
>can't get fully erect most of the time
>have trouble getting it in all the time
>cum too quick once i do
i'm a complete disappointment in bed. i always feel like i'll make things right with my next partner, but it's always a failure. all of them have been completely understanding but sometimes i can't even keep being with them out of sheer embarrassment. how do people even have sex? it's literally impossible for me. i've only fucked a girl good ONCE and it was because i had such a strong urge to pee that i couldn't cum.
also, how do people even fuck in other positions that aren't missionary? i can't jam my dick in any other position. i tried sex in the shower and the girl bent over, but for the life of me i couldn't get it in.
most of my problems come out of just feeling pressured to perform well. if i'm with a girl and she says something along the lines of "put it inside me" or "fuck me", that's it. I can't do it. I start thinking "ok you have this really hot girl in front of you who wants to be fucked, come on now" and then I can't get hard. i get incredibly nervous and if i somehow manage to get hard, i struggle to get in. if i take too long to get it in, i lose my erection. if i magically manage it, i start to think "ok don't cum too quick, just don't think about the cumshot" and then IMMEDIATELY i have to cum. i am literally designed to not have sex.
this really hasn't solved the issue for me. im great at foreplay, eating the girl out, fingering, etc. i can make a girl cum, but definitely not through fucking. i want to enjoy good SEX, not just good oral. i want to be able to try crazy positions and just fuck until we cum. i don't want to just rely on my fingers reaching the right spot and then going to bed when it's over.
You just need to cum multiple times. I usually cum after literally five pumps, but I'm ready to go again in a couple minutes and then I last much longer the second time, and much much longer the third time.
This happens a lot with men where it sort of becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. They go into it thinking there will be a problem, so things go wrong as a result, and they only get worse and worse.
Not much to do except be open with your partner. Confront that you have an issue with this and work on it together. Always make sure you're comfortable with what's happening. Sometimes doing things like getting regular work outs or doing kegel exercises can help. This kind of thing takes time to overcome, so don't rush yourself and don't expect to get better in a week, but as time goes on you should get better and better.
[spoiler]I suffered from the same issue, so you're not alone. I'm pretty new to sex and have a lot of issues with anxiety and stress so the two just didn't mix together well. I know this shit is rough to deal with, but I know you can get better; these kinds of problems always have a solution. Just take your time and make sure you're with someone you're comfortable with. Best of luck.[/spoiler]
I've had good and bad results with this.
The good times, I've been able to fuck for longer, as you said.
The bad times, which is most of the time, my sex drive greatly decreases and I can't get hard for the life of me. Sometimes I'll manage to get hard but still cum quick even though I came 10 minutes ago.
Thank you, that's really what I wanted to hear.
I just feel like there's so much emphasis now on the idea that fucking is just this pleasurable, easy as hell thing even in one night stands. But for me it's so hard to get comfortable and the first time with any girl is always impossible for me.
I'm currently seeing a girl and we spent the night together very recently, and I opened up a little bit about how difficult sex is for me. We still were pretty sexual but there was little to no penetration, which I hope will change sooner or later. She was begging for it but she was very understanding too because she's a complete sweetheart. I'm just tired of disappointing people and I don't want to disappoint her.
Do you jerk off to porn a lot?
I've given up recently and I now get way harder and I'm able to go longer (strangely) than I could before. The two girls I've slept with recently, who I'd also slept with prior to giving up, have commented on it too.
Yeah, I always thought the same, but in my experience it's been the opposite. The longest I've been able to fuck was after I'd come back from a 2 week vacation with no sexual contact, no porn, nothing, and I could bang like a demon.
My guess is that it has something to do with being able to make yourself cum really easily by masturbating. I could quite easily cum in a few minutes by masturbating, so I feel like you're probably almost training yourself to do the same during sex. Without masturbation, you don't have that training, so you can go for longer.
I have no idea if that's valid, but it seems logical in my experience.
Brain is the most important sexual organ, porn and masturbation will desensitize you and makes you always look for something more novel, usually something more hardcore, extreme and unrealistic and soon you'll notice that I'll be close to impossible to get it up from vanilla stuff alone without touching.
Currently doing NoFap myself and so far it's allowed me to recover enough to stay at least 60-70% erect as long as there's some stimulation going on. Using thinner condoms helps a bit as well. Once relapsed for couple of days and problems returned few days afterwards when I was having sex which was more than enough proof for me that porn and masturbation was the cause for my ED.
Just try to be together with the same person for a longer time until you actually reach true intimacy and your sex reaches the actual peak of what good sex between the two of you can be.
For me and my last girlfriend, that took about three years.
Pretty much the same boat as OP. I've even started losing interest in pursuing girls, which I believe could stem from this problem fucking me up psychologically.
I had a pretty good sex life in a previous relationship that lasted 1.5 years. But ever since then I've been a mess. Yesterday was probably like my 12th unsuccessful attempt at having sex. I just can't get it up when the time comes. It's ridiculous. Even when I feel really comfortable and she's touching me it still doesn't work.
Don't even watch porn very often. Tried cutting it out before for about a month but it didn't help at all as far as I noticed. Nofap makes my sex drive even deader than it currently is.
I don't want to head down this path, but I can definitely relate. It's the worst that I fantasize about sex with a girl I can get with, but when I actually happens all I feel is fucking pressure and frustration
Do you take any medications? Have any issues like anxiety?
Other than that, you need to have better communication with your partners. Before you start getting hot and heavy just make sure they understand you get nervous/anxious. Most of the time if you are straight with them they'll love it and take the initiative.
What you experienced was most likely flatline which is said to be fairly common especially on the 2-6 week period. It's not just about the frequency of porn usage but the intensity, like feeding your fetishes with the most stimulating and/or extreme material possible. Your brain will simply grow accustomed to the Supernormal stimuli which numbs you from normal stimuli.
Some people have taken more than a year to recover so a month might just not be enough to recover from damage that has accumulated over the years.
I don't take any medication.
I'll try to be more upfront about my issue with my partners, especially the girl I'm with now. I always used some stupid excuse like "I need to drink some before I have sex", but now not even alcohol will help me from this nightmare. I just wish there was an easier way for me to not overthink the situation and to not get nervous. I want to actually enjoy myself.
>Some people have taken more than a year to recover
Potentially taking a year off of sex and masturbation feels like it could end my sex life for good. I already seem to have a lot of mental hang ups, but after something that extreme I'm unsure whether I could ever go back to being a normal healthy person.
Honestly I don't even watch extreme porn. I've always been very vanilla and it's not like I've looked at it daily either.
>I just wish there was an easier way for me to not overthink the situation and to not get nervous
What are you thinking about?
It's all a mental game, if you aren't comfortable then you won't have an enjoyable experience. Talk and see what y'all like, try different positions and communicate to each other during. She doesn't need to be screamin', but tell her that it helps when you know she is enjoying herself.
Remember, she wants you to enjoy it just as much as she does, so don't stress out about it so much.
I'm just thinking about how I don't have to be nervous so I become nervous. For instance, I'll be focusing so much on getting hard that I can't get hard. If I'm struggling to get an erection all I can think is if she can feel that I'm not completely hard. Or if I'm inside, I can only think about how embarrassing it would be if I would nut after a few seconds, and so it happens. I'm just thinking so much about how it's all going to go terribly and so that's exactly what happens. And at the same time I'm thinking "just don't worry about it, this time it's going to be great" but then it fucking isn't. And it's incredibly frustrating that even if I try to clear my thoughts, all I'm thinking about is how hard I'm trying to clear my thoughts.
Sex is allowed during NoFap in fact it's encouraged (especially karezza) as it can help you rewire your brain to normal stimulus. There are also people who think it's just the porn and have had success abstaining just from porn not masturbation.
However based on what you claim your problem doesn't really sound like an porn addiction.
You need to get out of your own head, it sounds like your are being way too critical of yourself. Sex is not just physical, so any sort of scenarios playing in your head are only going to distract you more, even the "good" ones. I think a lot of your experiences can be remedied by intimacy with your partner.
I think I've been blessed in that regard. I've never had an actual issue (as in, a girl leaving me) because of this performance problem. In fact they're all very understanding and sweet to me, and never pressure me into anything because they actually do like me. Which just makes it worse because I hate disappointing people who actually enjoy being with me.
The girl I'm with right now is amazing and I've been having a great time with her outside of the bedroom, which is why we're still going out often. I just want to fix my performance so it's all the better.