>be me, socially awkward
>no friends, living in a foreign country and works 80 hour weeks while getting paid like shit
>sort of estranged from parents
>tries to patch things up with mom but given up on dad
>dad is even more socially awkward than i am, with even less confidence
>all his former friends are more successful than him and have distanced themselves from him
>he's supposed to be a supervisor but nobody respect him at work. doesnt help that hes shit at his job
>hes super depressed and he KNOWs it, but doesn't seek help
>instead takes out his frustration on my mom (been doing this for years) and me (during my highschool years and also when I neeted at home for 3 month after college)
>haven't talked to him in ages; he tries to send texts to me once in a while, mostly trying to give me mundane advice, and i almost never reply; when I do it's to insult him
>i tell myself that i dont care about him; i also try to convince my mom to leave him whenever i get a chance to see her in person (once or twice a year or so)
>today he asked my mom to send me a message to recommend a new phone to him
>i dont care, tell my mom to tell him to fuck off
>then suddenly remember my mom telling me how he has no friends and stays at home all day on weekends, either on his computer or on his phone, as he also have no hobbies whatsoever
>even when he is invited to the rare social occasion he always does or says awkward shit that embarrasses himself
>realizes he's been like this for so long that he'll probably die this way, depressed, broken and (if my mom leaves him) utterly alone
Fuck, it really hit me when I realized that he's asking me about a new phone because I am literally the only person to whom he could ask this question. He has no friends to talk with, and my mom doesn't know anything about technology. He's so shit at social interaction that he couldn't go to the store and ask a clerk. He's also really fucking clumsy and based on what my mom's been telling me, he's becoming more and more childlike as well. It's freaking me out that he might have alzheimers, because I have no love for him and don't want to take care of him. Even if he doesn't have alzheimers, the remainder of his life will be utter shit no matter what I do. Maybe it's because I am afraid that I might become like him, but he is freaking me the fuck out even though I never see him anymore.
What do /adv/? Should I bash my head in to remove him from my memory or should I try to reach out to him to try and help him (even though I don't think it will ever come to anything)? I'm planning to see a therapist about my own depression, but this shit is weighing me down so much that I'm not sure if I could get out of my own hole without doing something about my relationship with my parents (especially my dad).
MY dad used to fucking beat me as a child and would routinely scare the fuck out of my mother, myself and younger sister. I've partially patched things up with him because it's extremely useless to hold on to anger. Everyone dies eventually, I'd rather not look back and wish I made things better with father. He has fucked me up pretty bad, but oh well. Explain your hatred for your father anon.
To put it simply I've completely lost my respect for him. I used to think he's a good man who loved me and my mother, but the more I grew up the more I realized that the thing he cared the most about is his social status. He desperately chases after money and power because he thinks those things will prove that he's somehow not a worthless man by conventional standards. He acts slavishly towards those who are richer and more powerful than him (including most of his former college classmates who used to be his friends) and treats those he sees as inferior, including my mother and I, like garbage. My mom is perhaps the only person in his day to day life that treats him like a human being, yet he screams at her and threatens her with physical violence (which is sometimes followed through with action) almost daily - perhaps because she's the only person on whom he could take out his impotent rage. He treated me the same way when I was in high school, because I didn't have clear college prospects back then. He treated me better after I got into a 'elite' university, but after I went home jobless and trying to bounce back by preparing for postgrad, he would verbally abuse me everyday at home, which eventually forced me to abandon my plans and find a job in another city.
He is clearly suffering from very serious depression. My uncles (my mom's brothers who are all close to my family) all think my dad needs to go see a psychiatrist; I've been telling him the same for years, but he never listens. The type of people whose words he laps up however looks down on him and treats him like a clown.
He doesn't know what's important to him in his life; he doesn't charish what he has and if he dies alone, it will be he's driven away everyone who cares about him. I told him exactly how I feel about him many times too. I almost feel bad because I know how emotionally vulnerable he is. He usually gets extremely angry at me for a day or two, and then he pretends like nothing's ever happened and business as usual continues.
Honestly I've been just trying to pretend he doesn't exist, but whenever I'm reminded of him I can't help but feel a punch in the gut.
I think it's Because he is being isolated that he values these things. He thinks there is nothing else that will win the respect and love from people.
Offering it unconditionally cam be therapeutic for him. A small change here and there. For starters you can stop treating him like shit because that reinforces his mindset.
Make it known that you care for him. Because deep down you do, otherwise this wouldn't be a huge issue for you.