ever since day one of meeting my boyfriend, my gut kept telling me to run away and that something very bad is about to happen.
some info that set me off
>28 y/o gangster looking guy
>very negative, complains about something everyday (he has depression and anxiety)
>easily upset and angered and stressed
>pot-head, alcoholic, uses cocaine too (dunno how often)
>gets into fights and even threatens to beat people up
>raised in foster care; dad is gone, mom is a crack addict he no longer keeps contact with
>last gf died in a car crash 3 years ago
>lives in the ghettos with his brother (who looks like an even scarier gangster, and been to jail a few times for w/e reason) and his brother's wife (who seems normal, if not a bit intimidating)
it started with him complaining about his life to me, and me saying stuff like "i'm sorry, that sucks." then one day he confessed he was in love with me while in hysterics like and i felt like i couldn't reject him. basically, i was on my best behavior since; too scared to upset him and get my shit fucked up, or him hurting himself... hoping he'll get bored of me and leave. i developed feelings for him too, but i still figured if he ever broke up with me, it'd be for the best.
surprisingly, he turned around for the better; he became much more positive and happy, started on better living habits, and just seems a lot more stable emotionally. all on his own, without me asking him to change anything.
while i'm very happy and proud of him, he keeps mentioning things like "the long term" and "growing old together" and even talks about kids and stuff.
the thing is, i don't know if i can commit to this man, but he really did turn around his habits and attitude. i still have that gut feeling that gives me a bad feeling though. what should i do?
tl;dr, my boyfriend was initially "red flags incarnate", but started to change his life around for the better after meeting me. while we love each other very much, i'm not sure if i can commit to him (for life, as he often hints) due to his reckless self before he met me. what do?
I don't mean to be rude, but you already know what you're doing.
You have a shitty, loser abusive boyfriend that only you and no other girl can see the "true" side of him. By the time you get your head out of your ass it'll be too late and you'll have a kid. Then you'll be scraping the bottom of the barrel and pretending to be happy with some pussy dude that makes a lot of money.
You'll post some bullshit on Facebook to impress your vapid friends about how a real man steps up and takes care of another man's kid, but you'll still be unhappy. I'm sure men will line up and tell you how happy they will make you, and COULD have made you had you chosen a different path.
You'll just generally be an unhappy person unless you realize that you should stop dating losers, and stop being a loser yourself.
so you basically live in constant fear of this guy
it's very common to see guys with anger problems become sweet in the beggining, but after a certain period of time they will show you their true colors
i wouldn't be surprised if he became abusive towards you in a few years
that would can escalate quickly
>but you already know what you're doing.
i really don't... which is why i'm scared and worried and basically just on "auto pilot mode"... just being nice, boring and agreeable.
>You have a shitty, loser abusive boyfriend that only you and no other girl can see the "true" side of him.
the thing is i've been very careful not to upset him (especially after hearing about his violent past), so there was never any "abuse" to me. just a ton of complaining.
he really did step up though, and he's much more positive and happy which gives me hope.
>and pretending to be happy with some pussy dude that makes a lot of money
what, he lives in the ghettos... what money? lol.
the rest, i guess is also a legitimate worry. not sure if he'll be emotionally stable enough to commit to me for a family and whatever. not sure about his financial situations. not sure if his updated lifestyle and attitude is going to keep up...
i guess what i'm asking is, will he get better like he did when i waited? or is this just a phase or something he'll eventually get bored of and return to his old habits?
>so you basically live in constant fear of this guy
i was at first, but now i'm more worried about him hurting himself if i leave him.
>it's very common to see guys with anger problems become sweet in the beggining, but after a certain period of time they will show you their true colors
this is what i'm absolutely terrified of.
but him, changing his habits and attitude for the better... is this a good sign at least? can people with his kind of past change?
You butchered what I said and replied to it.
Basically you're dating a loser. I'm sure you have a bunch of guy friends that orbit you and are "best friends". Whatever.
The guy you're with right now sounds like your first love. It sounds like you're the only person that "gets him", no matter what he does. If you continue to date him, you'll be dragged into his bullshit. That's what it is, bullshit. He'll tell the same sob story to the next girl after you're gone.
If you continue on this path, that's when you'll become unhappy. It's a cliche, an old story. Girls dating the badboy that they love, no one else understands, yet it's the same old story. Mom's a junkie, daddy beat me, I never had a real home "I'm trying babe, I don't think I could do it without you".
You're dating a fucking loser, and he'll give the same sob story about why he's a loser to the next girl as soon as you leave him. And god no, don't pick one of your best friends, because that's almost as bad.
Use common sense. Do you have reasonable evidence that he can and will be able to get away from his life? Emotionally, financially, and friends wise. Bad friends drag people down. If you rely on shady people to make a living, that drags people down as well. I get it, he had a lot of childhood traumas and that made him resent people, this is something that you can get through. But you need to will to change.
Also, people like these drag you down as well. Stand your ground and be the one who has more influence on him than him having on you. Realize your limits and if you don't see things improving, leave. Better, than your life breaking like his.
it's 3 am and i couldn't fit all your points into this little text field. i've been up so many nights like this one, worrying about where this relationship is heading.
that's a lot of assumptions and feel exhausted thinking of how to explain this to you in a way you and other anons can understand. i guess i can understand why you would see it that way and simplify it as such.
i haven't mentioned this, but i'm actually a pretty ambitious type of person. i've got my dream career going, a lot of friends (that are 99% female), am serious about fitness and health, dated lots of good looking and normal guys (and i was the one who dumped them, for various reasons) and basically i'm pretty happy as a person.
do you understand now how much i am worried about this relationship? i know what i have going is great, and i feel like i have a lot to lose if it turns out my current bf will drag me down and ruin what i have. so far, he hasn't.
you're probably right about him telling this story to the next girl; in fact, he tells his story to everyone. his friends, family and co-workers all confirmed this for me, which tells me that he isn't bull shitting at least. everything from how he was raised to the death of his last gf, is all true.
so watching him turn from a complaining, sad, angry person to someone who seems genuinely happier and stable emotionally brings me hope that this relationship could be i dunno... happy? it's like he's trying to keep up with me. that's awesome. i just wonder, how long will he be able to keep this up? is he doomed to be a loser?
thank you, all good points. i am doing my best not to let his negative behavior affect me. so far it seems like my influence is stronger than his.
You must have strong influence and keep together in the head. Don't let your life be ruined. This is the common sense part, know your limits, and defend yourself. The other part is the emotional part. You sound like a winner and a fun person who is emotionally healthy, he sounds like a sore complaining loser. This is almost always a very bad fit because you will be unable to respect him, and because you are the more down to earth and sane, you need to take the lead and be the influencer in a lot of things which is usually not a natural fit for girls. Very few girls have the patience for this, to raise their so, especially without emasculating him or making a doormat out of him. It's a thin line.
I see you have a choice, of course
If he has changed his ways, it is time for this man to free to love. That's what marriage is. It is freedom to love someone as your everything, down to your bones. You may make the right decision, you may make the wrong one. It is up to you.
If you have to ask, go with the obvious answer. If the obvious answer isn't obvious, give it more time.
not ugly, in fact i don't really have much trouble attracting men...
i've never really seen people as "losers" unless they're beyond redemption. i used to be a sheltered, homely, quiet, and lonely geek who was also very negative with really low self esteem. i guess i saw him as someone i could relate to at first and figured it wouldn't hurt to be nice. maybe all he needed was some support and kindness.
thank you, i guess you're right. i'll see if he changes for good i guess
when i first met him, he seemed like a normal guy, even dressed normally. it wasn't til later, when he started "dressing up" in his gangster wear that i started to think something was up.
he didn't tell me about his drug habits and stuff right away; that wasn't until later when he felt he could trust me. his complaining started the same way too; things you could legit empathize someone for. first thing he told me was about the death of his girlfriend. of course i would tell him things like "I'm sorry for your loss" and give him my sympathies... anyone would.
then a couple weeks later, his uncle (who was his father figure) dies, and he got even more depressed... i figured this guy's luck was just terrible. helped him through that, which he really appreciated.
then it became about his work... how he nearly got punched out and threatened to be killed by some guy who was probably high off something, because he works at a night club.
then the drugs lol. i guess you can call me naive to not suspect anything after he mentioned his night club work. truthfully, i know nothing about drugs or the people like it. maybe weed, but that's nothing. all history from there.
slaves give birth to slaves
gonna put some wheels in motion
one day i was just tired of being looked down on and feeling bad for myself all the time. i forced myself into social situations (and i have a lot of cringe stories as a result of it) and focused on making myself feel confident. i used my art to do this; got really good at it, now have a career going for me with it. (concept artist/illustrator/animator) that pretty much solved my "worthlessness" issue, and is my "interesting, ambitious person" point lol.
i also researched the fuck out of beauty and make up and stuff. started working out too, dieted, and reached my goal weight. it's extremely encouraging to hear people (randoms and friends) compare me to some major kpop stars now.
also learned that if you're a girl and you look cute, then everything else comes easy. 4chan would confirm this (with their r9k bitching and stuff lol), and that honestly encouraged me to feel more confident and that i'm not completely hopeless.
so basically i threw myself into situations i was scared of but saw everyone else doing, and dealt with it until i got used to it. took me a few years, but i'm basically at my peak right now. i don't think old me would have ever imagined that i'd turn into the very girls i hated so much out of jealousy and envy.
still have some issues with self esteem, but i'm in a much better place now. i love where i am, i know it's down hill from there though. trying to enjoy it the best i can.