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self-improvement and relationships
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice

Thread replies: 22
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The idea of love both enraptures and terrifies me; I want to be wanted and needed almost more than anything, but I am haunted by the certainty that I'm not worth it.

>21 male, kissless virgin
>live with parents while going to college
>extremely conservative and religious family
>basically no sexual contact of any kind allowed with a woman until you're married type shit
>privacy constantly violated and constantly told what to do while I was growing up
>phone checked every day when I would come home from school, literally no texting on my phone for most of high school because they "couldn't trust me"
>get caught talking to some girl online in 9th grade when I accidentally left myself logged into my email online
>talked about some sexual shit but nothing graphic, I was a virgin after all and didn't know shit
>family treats me like absolute garbage; eldest sister literally spits in my fucking face
>literally told I'm garbage by multiple members of my family
You remember when you found out about gay people, and you thought they went after anything with a dick? That's how they treated me, like I'd try to rape anything female. They wouldn't even let me be alone with my little sister.
>fucking 15 years old with nowhere to go; forced to live like this for the better part of a year, trapped in a house full of people who think you're a monster
>has to pretend to be happy on birthdays and stuff for my siblings (i have 4 sisters) while I didn't get shit for several years
>eventually they "forgive me" and get over it, but who the fuck are they to be forgiving shit when they did me wrong?
>I have never forgiven them for how they treated me, nor his they've mentally crippled me (detailed in next post)
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>>16801255
Ever since then I never tried to have a relationship with a girl.
Went through high school basically conditioning myself to never think of girls as anything more than friends, even though I was hardcore crushing on a few but there was literally no way for me to have any sort of relationship without my family knowing
>can't text
>family will check phone records for call history
>obviously can't bring a girl over
>family always wants to know exactly where I am so I can't just fuck off to some girl's house every day
In addition to having no relationships, I never did anything else in school. I mean, I wasn't a loser but I wasn't exactly popular. Just kind of did my own thing. No drugs, booze, partying etc.
Now I'm where I'm at and I'm just retarded when it comes to women. I can hold a conversarion and not drop spaghetti everywhere, I can probably figure out how to ask a girl out or get her number, but when it comes to anything sexual or realizing if a girl is into me or not, it's like I'm brain-dead. I have no experience.

I don't know how to make a move. I don't even know how or when to go in for a kiss, or what to do if I can ever get a date, or how to do any of that shit.
I don't even know if it's worth trying unless I've moved out and gotten my own place. What girl would want to deal with all that bullshit?

I've been told I'm handsome and I've been rated a 6/10 on /soc/. Guys and girls alike love my beard. So hopefully I could find a girl who wouldn't mind my looks.

But how can I learn? It's like I'm handicapped. Is it even worth trying for the next 2 years until i finish my degree and can get a job and move the fuck out?

I feel lonely and depressed much of the time. I love helping people but I honestly don't have hope for my own life.
I feel like time is slipping away and I'm missing my chance and if I wait too long I'll be stuck like this forever.

What do i do, /adv/?
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Was this too much to ask of /adv/?
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>>16801255
>eventually they "forgive me" and get over it, but who the fuck are they to be forgiving shit when they did me wrong?

Christian family, then?

>I feel like time is slipping away and I'm missing my chance and if I wait too long I'll be stuck like this forever.

Nah, you got time. Sounds like you're still living at home. Are they still checking your phone and shit and interfering with your personal life?
>>
>>16801291
Muslim family, actually.

And no, I have my own phone I pay for now. They're always telling me I should get back on their plan but fuck that shit.

It's like they just want complete control. It's so incredibly stifling and isolating, I hate it.
>>
>>16801298

Well, until you have the means to move out you're kind of stuck with their bullshit. For how long you can tolerate this is up to you, but keep an eye out for opportunities to leave if you can.

>I feel lonely and depressed much of the time. I love helping people but I honestly don't have hope for my own life.

I didn't lose my V until I was 26 man, so I know how you feel. Grew up with a bunch of older sisters in a religious (but not super controlling home); came into adulthood feeling like I'd missed out on a bunch and completely unequipped to deal with people socially.

Things is, even at 21 you're still maturing socially, things aren't *set*, you still have time to go and learn some stuff and build confidence in doing it.

(cont'd)
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>>16801302

I suggest going out more with no other goal than to socialize and have a good time; there's no pressure to get phone numbers or hook up or kiss or anything, just really going places or doing things with others to get comfortable being around people and to get more accustomed to social cues and expectations.

Don't even worry about the mechanics and steps and logistics of kissing a girl or asking one out, that's not how it works. There's no pressure besides the pressure you're putting on yourself.
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>>16801304
>Don't even worry about the mechanics and steps and logistics of kissing a girl or asking one out, that's not how it works.

What I really mean to say here is you may very well find yourself in a situation to take a chance, but in that moment you'll know what you want and how to go about getting that, whether it's a number or kiss or whatever.
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>>16801302
>>16801304
>>16801308
I see what you mean. I guess what I was hoping was someone would offer me some magic solution, but I know that's not realistic.

As far as going out, I have no idea where the hell to go out. I don't have any friends who party of go to bars or clubs or any of that. I guess I could go to a bar, but I've literally never drunk before and I'd want someone to introduce me to alcohol so I don't end up shitfaced and kill myself.

Fuck. Everything just presents a problem. It's annoying as hell.
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>>16801312
>I see what you mean. I guess what I was hoping was someone would offer me some magic solution, but I know that's not realistic.

I think the solution comes with time, with maturation. One day you're going to look back on all this and just shake your head.

>As far as going out, I have no idea where the hell to go out. I don't have any friends who party of go to bars or clubs or any of that. I guess I could go to a bar, but I've literally never drunk before and I'd want someone to introduce me to alcohol so I don't end up shitfaced and kill myself.

Yeah, nah, forget booze for the time being. A drink to get loosened up is one thing, but if it's not your scene it's not your scene. How about a job? Volunteering? School clubs? Sports/game league?

>Fuck. Everything just presents a problem. It's annoying as hell.

Things are just problems if we make them problems. There's nothing to get angry or stressed about, your immediate health isn't in danger. This is something you can work through.
>>
>>16801255
>The idea of love both enraptures and terrifies me; I want to be wanted and needed almost more than anything, but I am haunted by the certainty that I'm not worth it.

The idea of love and the experience of love are two very different things. Any being capable of feeling and giving love is worthy of love in kind. But there are all kinds of love.
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>>16801323
I work part-time but it's not a good place to meet women. I love to volunteer so I've been looking into volunteering clubs at my university, going to try writing for the newspaper or online as well.
I enjoy sports but I mostly just play frisbee or hit the gym with my friends.

As far as looking back on all of this and just shaking my head? Nah. I know this will stick with me. Life has been extremely shit for me many times because of my family.
But you're right. It's better to move past it.
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>>16801324
True. Reality is always different from imagination. But I don't think I've ever been in love. And I'm afraid I might never get there.
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>>16801329

I think if you stay busy and productive, be polite friendly a lot of stuff will kind of fall in place for you. The universe/life is like that sometimes, the harder you want something the harder it is to get.
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>>16801338
I'm always polite and friendly. But busy and productive I can work on.

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to help out an anon.
I appreciate it!
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>>16801333
>And I'm afraid I might never get there.

Being in love I think is less of an achievement and more of something that just happens to people.
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>>16801346
I think it can happen both ways; you can work on a relationship intentionally trying to build it, or you can find yourself falling in love with someone without meaning to.

But I don't think I've ever been in love and I feel like I should have been by now.
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>>16801344

No problem, good luck.
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>>16801352
>But I don't think I've ever been in love and I feel like I should have been by now.

Same, and I'm 33.
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>>16801356
:(
We'll make it someday, anon. I hope.
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>>16801362

lol, thanks. I'm not sweating it, things are going pretty well for me all in all.
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>>16801255
>abuse family

my condolences

move out or something

start drinking/doing drugs as much as you can
Thread replies: 22
Thread images: 3
Thread DB ID: 508498



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