Been with this guy named Matt for 3 years now and we just moved in 6 months ago. We have had our ups and downs. The other night I wanted us to go out and get cake at this diner but he simply did not want to go. I didn't want to go alone. So we just sat home doing our own thing.
I know Matt and I have been this struggle, I've been more in love with him than he's been with me most of our relationship. We had discussions about moving in etc. but then we moved in and it was amazing! We mesh so well we blend together, and I fell hard.
I live this fantasy that this is it. I can't imagine my life without him. Sure I get mad about things and I have doubts like my cake theory, but on this other level I know that this is love for me. So I let myself talk about future stuff, we joke about rings and weddings etc. I talk about it with him, with friends in front of him, with friends without him etc. I have this idea that we're going well. Sure we've been living together for only 6 months but we've been together 3 years, and we've been through a lot, we know each other.
Well yesterday, Matt was talking about his financial adviser and I was never mentioned. So, I said can you stop being stubborn and just acknowledge there is some intention to save for some things...me related. but he never mentioned it, he's like sure I have a savings and there are ways I'm saving money etc.
So I go to bed, he never comes and lays in bed with me but he decided to, so we're talking and I asked. Is it just you're waiting for some relationship point, financial benchmark, or are you still figuring us out. He said all of the above. And there it was. It stung. The still figuring us out part. I thought we were beyond that. I thought we knew, we moved in together because we had this intention. So suddenly, I felt everything all at once. I felt defeat, I felt naive, I felt dumb, I felt regrets. It's intense.
He kept saying it's a big decision, we've lived together for 4months it's always something you need to consider,weigh etc. but no, that hurt. So I told him. I'm a dreamer, I'm creative, I want that fantasy
I want to believe two people can meet and it can be so intense there is always a shread of honeymoon phase. That someone would get me cake if I merely mentioned it. That I know you would be ok if we broke up in the long run but for a moment your world would end. People get married after 1-2 years together, they know. and honestly it hurts me to pieces to hear that someone I've been with for 3 years, live with, pour my heart into and think we're at the next level is still figuring me out. I get the logical, rationale, but it hurts. I feel dumb. Like am I pushing him. when I talk about rings do I look like a silly naive girl he deals with. I feel so cut open to it.
I do vows in my head. It's not about the wedding it's about the idea of a dedication of love. I want that! I want that feeling that this person loves me so much they are committing to a life where they can't live without me. and to find out he's not on that page. I don't know how to feel. I know we've went through this before, but then we moved in together and I thought that was the symbolism it was over that. That he figured that out. but he popped my bubble.
I want to push him away now. I want to just try to move on and find my #cake but I don't want to live without him.If i stay with him is it because he's safe and I wait patiently. or do I take a risk and find someone who can meet me and fall so in love with me it moves fast and believable to them.
It's not like I'm desperate like hey give me a ring, but the way he says it makes it sounds like we are less than what I thought we were. I want to just think of the end game, the later in life parts, I want that happiness. but he's still figuring it all out. Where do I factor. Then again NO. I don't want to be factored in, I want to be the damn CENTER. I want it to be 'you are my moon and stars'. It's not fair. I've always had low self-esteem and I want someone who makes me feel like I'm more than I think I am. Matt does that...did that..until now. I feel broke. I don't even need a wedding. I just want to believe that I am an end goal. if the wedding takes forever it takes forever but I want that idea that it's there.
Matt farts on me. Like literally we are laying and he doesn't move sideways. He's moved on game over. haha. Sorry I sound so bitter. I shouldn't be this naive, boys need to figure it out, am I fool for rushing in? Should I be equally as level headed. Step back and love him less, vet him as much as he's vetting me. I aked him what is there to still learn, he's like well apparently you go ape shit when I don't change the toilet paper roll and send me photos. Are you fucking kidding me, you don't know if you love me because I'm annoyed I have to walk to the closet in the middle of a piss with my pants down to get toilet paper.
I dunno what I should do anymore. I feel lost. Sorry this is too long.
TL;DR, I dunno what to do with my boyfriend of 3 years who is still figuring us out. Not sure if he even wants to be with me anymore.
First of all, the whole cake thing is ridiculous. He shouldn't have to do your bidding at all times just because it makes you feel special. Relationships are a mutual team effort, and you are two different people who are going to want different things at different times. No one wants to be your eternal slave.
Let him figure it out. 6 months is not a long time to see how you two live together. If you plan on being with him forever, then there's no rush right? Its not a love thing, its a trust thing. Most relationships fail for reasons that aren't immediately obvious. Don't stress it so hard anyway. Nothing lasts forever; you could get married next week and then the next week he dies in a car crash. Enjoy the time you have together at this very moment, and be somebody worth loving and trusting.
The cake thing we do a lot of what he wants to do but nothing that I want to do. It is mutual, I am doing what he wants, but he won't do the same. I do things for him I am not thrilled about, he should at least do the same.
It just hurts to hear like Oh I'm still figuring out if I want this. he tells me all these things I believe him I believe in us I love us, then he turns around and pulls the rug out and says but im still figuring it out. how am I supposed to be ok with that how am I not supposed to be scared of being hurt