I am beginning to suspect my boyfriend maybe an aro ace or at the least asexual after looking up this term on Google.
He never seems to want sex regardless of how hard I time to seduce him. He doesn't seem to be gay since he doesn't show any interest in men. He says the most important aspects of a relationship for him are companionship and cuddling.
He seems like a woman at times yet he isn't even transgender.
What should I do?
We've been together for no more than two years and during which time I've slowly been suspecting that I'm a sex addict just by judging how many times I've been trying at it. I'm currently thinking of enrolling in a help program.
I suspected this myself, but he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would just do that especially when he keeps preaching about how important it is to remain loyal to your partner. If anything, I might be the one most likely to cheat.
>I have had a boyfriend for 2 years
>I haven't had sex in 2 years
>I think I might be a sex addict, I need help
you are a normal human with a healthy sex drive. I'm not saying there's anything "wrong" with your boyfriend because he doesn't want sex, but you are not a sex addict and you don't need help, you just need a heterosexual boyfriend
Even when I've been trying to get sex almost daily? This cannot be healthy. It's all I ever think about that I cannot focus on work or school. Even my friend who is a complete sexual deviant thinks I need some professional help.
Maybe he just doesn't care, OP, nothing to stress over
Does he seem emotionally detached along with his lack of physical intimacy?
He is usually always in a cheerful mode so he's not depressed.
I am just now realizing that I have gone two full years without even touching a dildo or other sex toys. Maybe now is a good start.
By "professional help" he means a male hooker
How is it that some girls are so easily brainwashed by their boyfriends? He's the one with no sex drive, and you've convinced yourself that YOU need therapy?
You need to get laid. That's why you're going crazy, that's why you're begging for it every day. Because it isn't happening, but you're in a relationship so your mind and body are telling you it's supposed to be happening
You need to have a serious conversation about this. 2 years is a long-ass time with no intimacy. I don't think he's going to change anytime soon, I don't think you can still convince yourself that he's still "warming up/getting comfortable" or whatever. He does not want to fuck you. Whether he's gay, or asexual, or just not into you, I don't know, but he doesn't want to fuck you. Time to accept it and decide what to do about it.
If I were you, I'd break up and move on. This guy might be "best friend" material, but that's not the only important part of a relationship
I'm afraid that if I break up with him he might fall into a depression so deep that he'll become suicidal. Also, my friend already hooked me up with a sex psyachatirst so I figured it's at least worth looking into for their sake. I cannot even take my mind off of sex to do other things which includes household chores!
Maybe I just need to masturbate more?
I completely agree. But for most people, if there's NO sex, there's no relationship. Just friendship. Friendship is a wonderful thing, but it usually doesn't come with a monogamy agreement.
When people say stuff like this, it's like - if you order a cheeseburger, and I just hand you a beef patty and nothing else, that sucks. If I hand you a slice of American cheese, lettuce and tomatoes on a bun with no beef patty, that sucks too.
OP ordered a cheeseburger, and she got a cheese sandwich. He talks to her nice, they go places, they cuddle, etc. A cheese sandwich can be nice. But it's not what she ordered, not what she thought she was getting, not what he agreed to provide.
If this does make someone a sexual deviant then what do you suggest they do about it when it comes to professional help?
I agree too, but surely constantly spending every second literally of every day thinking and trying to get sexual intercourse cannot be healthy for the mind, right? I mean, men are able to hold off on sex even if they go two full years without it. How come this is hard for me to do as a woman?
I just talked to him right now and I honestly cannot believe what I heard that came out of his mouth. I told him that I felt maybe this relationship can't work out if we don't have sex and he told me he understands. He also admitted that he is an asexual, but he also apparently encouraged me to seek out other sexual partners to fulfill my needs.
He told me he wanted this relationship to work out because he loves me, but he hates seeing me like this. He's essentially giving me a free ticket to cheatsville. What the serious fuck?!
He's using you as an emotional crutch. He has defined the relationship on his terms; completely disregarded your needs, and has left you thinking that its something wrong with you. In my eyes he's a selfish, maladjusted cunt. Or maybe he's a nice guy in the slow lane of life, unable to comprehend that a relationship without sex is friendship.
you have a diamond in the rough
hes literally giving you a free pass to cuck his shit
the question is, is it worth it if he knows and is okay with it? or does that kill the thrill
Apparently, assexuality is an orientation, according to Wikipedia.
> has left you thinking that its something wrong with you.
He doesn't have me thinking this way. It's a conclusion that I am coming to realize.
> Cuckimus Maximus
I'm sorry, what? I don't understand what you're saying.
I'm not sure if I feel comfortable doing that.
>according to wikipedia
Hey I can use wikipedia too! :
Well shit, it seems that sex is a basic human need.
What your bf has is no sex drive possibly indicative of hormonal issues.
Or he's fucking with you.
I do not see sexual intercourse anyone on this triangle.
What do you mean by "doesn't give a fuck"? Are you referring to him or the person he is encouraging me to sleep with?
I skimmed through the article and I didn't find any mention of sexual gratification being a need. I assume it falls under the Love/belonging category?
My sex obsessed friend told me that Maslow's hierarchy of needs was an outdated concept.
That's still not limited to sexual intercourse.
So what is the point you are making?
OP. I never dated an Asexual but I knew a few. It's different for each one. Some don't care at all about sex, others are obsessed with looking at and fantasizing, but not actually doing it.
In your case he don't care at all and even told you to go get dick. You don't want to do that. The solution would be to get him to at least help you masturbate by using a toy or something. Maybe even make the sacrifice of having sex once in the while for your sake. Relationships are about compromises that both make for each other. So like you agree to not as much sex as you'd like while he agrees to sex at least once in a while.
There are other solutions but it all comes down to how important you are to each other and what are you boundaries, how far will you go to accept or tolerate something in order for the relationship to work and if no agreement can be met it probably is best for both to move on sadly.
We've tried having sex before and he could just never get aroused enough for an erection. I've tried stimulating him with pictures of prettier girls than I am and hotter strong men. Still nothing. So we resulted to bondage play where he kidnaps me and ties me up in the basement or the attic. He is a natural born sadist.
I think I was using that term incorrectly. I think it means someone who is both asexual and aromantic. He's not aromantic.
>basic primal human desire for sex is outdated.
Sex is a base human need, you guys are literally spouting tumblr sexuality bullshit.
>Maybe even make the sacrifice of having sex once in the while for your sake.
>make the sacrifice of having sex
>the sacrifice of having sex
/adv/ gets it's advice from tumblr.
Having no sex drive is not normal.
But unlike the Boogeyman, Tumblr is real, and you cannot treat it as just another social network, you have to consider its massive influence over the collective opinion of millions of people. When someone has no sex drive we need to learn why and fix the INDIVIDUALS problems not tell society it needs to change for them
OP I'm not sure what to tell you, we are seeing a clusterfuck of men today growing up with woman qualities and also being scared at an early age out of wanting sex. Find someone else? Changing him is too big a task for you and you wouldn't come to adv if you were ready to live with it so...
> baaaaaaaah, someone doesn't confirm to my level of sexual deviancy so therefore there is something wrong with them
Your autism is flaring up.
We're still not done with this meme?
>my level of sexual deviancy
It's not a god damn fashion style, this is a trait that healthy brains exhibit and that includes 99% of the population dude. I would tell them fine, be asexual, if not for people like OP who do seem to be suffering.
OP here and I think maybe I should weigh all options under I speak with a psychiatrist. I just made an appointment a few hours ago for this week. I'm curious as to see what he'll say about this situation. I have also considered a rehab program like Passages Malibu.
Yet for whatever reason it seems like my mind was suddenly taken off of sex for the first time in two years once he gave me permission to cheat.
That is why I'm considering some serious help.
It's normal to be horny all the time. I know it's hard to not delude yourself given your current situation, but you may want to reconsider what you truly want in a relationship. Don't settle for less if you know you can be happier.
This is actually a very common thought. If you're considering ending things with your boyfriend, just understand that his mood will dip for a while, but he's most likely not going to do anything drastic. In the off chance that he does harm himself post breakup, it's mostly because there are a number of other issues he's got going for him, so really, you're saving yourself from what could potentially be an awful relationship. But seeing how things are right now, it shouldn't be too traumatizing for him. You should prioritize how you feel over anything in this.
Seeking professional help is a good idea but this is something that depends on two. There are relationships with lots of sex, there are relationships with less sex. In almost every relationship one party has a higher sex drive than the other and the other feels it as a chore a bit. This is normal as well. People need to make a compromise for a relationship to work.
>I agree too, but surely constantly spending every second literally of every day thinking and trying to get sexual intercourse cannot be healthy for the mind, right?
But you wouldn't be so obsessed over it if you were actually getting laid. Your mind is telling you that you desperately need sex, and your response is to get therapy?
It's like "Doctor, I never eat any food, can you tell me why I'm hungry all the time? What's wrong with me?"
Sex isn't like hunger though. I should still be able to take my mind off of it in order to engage in other activities. The best few years I've felt obsessed with it.
I suppose all they would tell me is what is being told to me now. I still feel like I owe my friend a favor though.
We do not have a bad relationship. The best two years have been great non-sexuality. Plus where else can I find a man to tie me up?
You have to be trolling. This can't be real life.
You're obsessed with sex because you AREN'T GETTING ANY. You're in a relationship, you're close and intimate with each other, you behave like a couple, you're basically giving your mind and body all these signals that "we're in love, sex is imminent" but then it never actually comes. for TWO YEARS.
You don't need therapy. You need to get laid. Anyone would be driven crazy by this situation. It's not unhealthy to have a sex drive, and it wouldn't be such an obsession if you weren't constantly denying your natural impulses. You're not going to be young forever, and you're wasting your time with this guy.
If he would have sex with you, you would be able to take your mind off it. It takes anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour and then you can get on with your day. It actually is very much like hunger. Right now, you're extremely frustrated and pent-up. At this point, a therapist can't help you unless he's willing to fuck you as a therapy session.
Did he give any indication of these suicidal tendencies? I'm asking since I thought about it when I broke up with my ex (actually I still do... But i can't since I have a kid now).
Also: I still have some questions as to why you wanna go to psychologist. It would be some counsel therapy?
No, he hasn't, he seems well adjusted. He just seems to be really committed to me. I am thinking of couples counseling, yeah.
Mostly as a comprise for the lack of sex. He knows I have damsel in distress fantasies and so he wants to serve as my kidnapper. He's very convincing too and seems to be a natural born sadist.
I think we've establish this and I never denied it. My issue is that I cannot get it off of my mind when I'm sure most normal people will be able to take the focus off of it and put it on something else. That is what concerns me.
>most normal people will be able to take the focus off of it and put it on something else. That is what concerns me.
Most normal people don't try to force themselves into an asexual relationship with someone they're sexually attracted with. They don't cuddle and kiss and do couple things with the object of their affection, and NEVER GET ANY. If you want to see the male equivalent, go check /r9k/ and hear from some guys who are "stuck in the friend zone." They're just as obsessed and crazy about it as you are.
That's the reason you can't get it off your mind. That's the reason it's obsessing you. You've had two years of constant buildup with no release. It's not just the fact you're not getting laid, it's the fact you have an asexual boyfriend that you desperately wish wasn't asexual.
So instead, you want a therapist to do what, exactly? Teach you how to be asexual? You can't change your nature and it's not a good idea to try. Just like a therapist can't turn a gay man straight, can't turn your boyfriend into a fully functioning man, etc.
Look, you should never let the possibility that someone does something irrational keep you from breaking up with them. YOU ARE NOT MARRIED. At no point have you ever make any binding agreement, before courts or gods, that you would take responsibility for the other person. You have no moral obligation to stick with this guy.
I'm not even going to talk about the sex stuff, but you should never let the line of thought about people taking it hard keep you from doing something in a relationship. That's the biggest reason people find themselves in parasitic relationships. Whether it be abusive significant others, deadbeat uncles, or unwanted disabled children. I'm not saying you need to be a complete psychopath, the fact that you consider their feelings at all puts you above that, but remember that you don't owe people your future simply because they are a part of your present.
asexuality is not real. it is not natural for a sexually reproducing species to experience no sexual impulses. your bf should see a doctor, he may be experiencing mental illness or something physiological that is affecting his libido. but more likely is that hes just not attracted to you anymore, and claiming to be "asexual" is much easier than telling your partner that "im just not attracted to you anymore"
Do people crave sex that much it's the only thing that matters? I'm an ace and if I get horny I just masturbate. It seems strange that people just get a relationship and don't care what this person is about, just that there is sex.
If he wasn't commited to you there would no problem, right? What I mean is: It's very unlikely that he will harm himself if a break up sadly happens. I wouldn't worry.
Counsel therapy seems the best bet for both of you. So I gotta ask: Is he ok with going there too? Was he the one who said he is assexual or you reached this conclusion by observation? It's important since first case would be far more complicated to you
>It seems strange that people just get a relationship and don't care what this person is about, just that there is sex.
Nobody is saying that. It doesn't have to be one or the other. You can have sex with someone AND care about them as a person outside the bedroom. But if there's no sex and no attraction, I don't call that a relationship, that's a friendship. If there IS sex and no affection, I wouldn't make that a relationship either, that's what casual sex is for. A good relationship combines the best elements of those two things.
Ace = assexual?
Also yeah for the majority of humans (specially westerners whose societies put sex in such a ubiquitous position) sex is very important and if you're in a relationship it is expected to happen. OP is 2 years without it, so...yeah.
If there is one thing I know from experience, it's to listen to your instincts.
What are your instincts telling you OP? Not your head, not your heart but your instincts.
Were I you I'd get out of there quick smart, it sounds like he's just too lazy to care about your needs. He's manipulating you and taking you for granted.
Stop making excuses for him. If the only reason you won't break up with him is cause you think he'll hurt himself then he truly has you where he wants you.
I think if you broke up with him he wouldn't care, he'd probably pretend to care but wouldn't. Do what's best for you, it's your life. He's doing what's best for him at the moment and that's stringing you a long with no regard to what you need.
Asexuality doesn't mean a complete lack of sexuality conduct. Research more before you make yourself look like a retard to the spectators on a forum I am screencaping this thread for.
I'm 32 a-sexual male. I cleared this up with a few girls who showed interest inn me over the years.
I was assumed gay, or bi or whatever. But, to me it was just pointless hate cause "humans." But anyway. My current girlfriend has been with me for 1 year. We've kissed, hugs and shes walked around naked and pleasured herself in-front of me. The thing is, the best way to put it is this:
I can value sex and sexual stuff. I like seeing sexual images, porn, drawings writings especially. All can turn me on. But... Where those of you would start wacking off or crying like a bitch cause you lack a girlfriend/boyfriend I don't.
I've had sex with her once. She likes my big dick, to me its just a hassle as I wear tighter cloths and such. I don't need a sword swinging around.
Thing is; our relationship is great. I enjoy her company we share most of the same interest and shes goal driven and likes doing things alone not just 24/7 with me. Like my own goals.
Being a-sexual in my personal case isn't a choice. I simply am this way. I don't like men, I'm not bi... I only like girls. Sex is ok, I don't see the appeal after having it a few times in my life.
I do however, value it extremely in written context, art, animations above, porn and actually doing it. That's all.
He agreed to it when I mentioned it a few hours ago and he told me he was asexual.
That sounds horribly self-centered especially when he has always been one of the nicest people in my entire life. I'd probably be fulled with suicidal tendencies myself if I were to just get up and leave him all because I couldn't accept his sexuality.
Why would I want to change him? That is who he is as a person. I just want help in taking my mind off of sex so I could focus on my work, my hobbies, etc.
Just that he just doesn't like it. And how is it unhealthy? He never abuses me verbally or physically, unless under a play scenario, and he always treats me like an equal. In fact, he was always there for me during some of my darkest times with alcohol. I haven't even drank since we've been together.
I do sometimes harbor rape fantasies. I feel embarrassed to admit that.
You barely even know him. Half this post seemed to be comprised of sweeping generalizations about men and sex. I'll give you that he can be seen as an oddball among a group of men whenever the subject of sex or women comes up especially when he literally boosts about meeting the women he wants to spend his life with, but he's not manipulating or lazy. He is actually a perfectionist and a hard worker. That's what I admire about him.
Yes, totally. We always kiss and hold hands and other gooey stuff. We've never been to a sauna or a spa or even get naked except in the shower. Sometimes I feel completely uncomfortable getting naked unless in bed and sometimes I keep my lingerie on. So I guess I'm not perfect either.
He proposed opening up the relationship for me only, but I'm not sure if I want to do it. It just doesn't feel right.
You sound like him actually except he doesn't like pornography. Yes, I did say he was kind of an oddball.
Wow... Why post this thread if you are going to rage at anyone who posts anything other than what an amazing man he is.
Seriously you posted this cause it concerns you but when you hear advice you don't like you rage at people.
How about thanking them for spending their time to give their input?
The fact remains no matter what anyone says you will just argue until you hear what you want to hear.
>Plus where else can I find a man to tie me up?
Unless he's one of those guys who's insanely good at it, just about anywhere?
I know of at least 3 rope parties that happen in my area
If someone "loves" or "likes" you they will want to please you. Or at least try too.
I wouldn't mind if my girlfriend was unable to satisfy me sexually as long as she "tried"
Even if he doesn't want to have sex with you, he could still satisfy you using his fingers or his tongue, even if it does nothing for him.
Does he simply not care enough to do that for you?
This guy's right and I agree with this guy. >>16799399
I fall into this category and it's bullshit.
The truth us that we all just want to Fuck!
We all just want to be loved.
But when you become an adult and money and status and other factors com into play, the great gift that is sex is wasted.
I'm traumatized by sex, but there's times where I want to bend over a woman and take her there. We just want sex with someone who'll "handle with care"
Op is entitled to feeling reciprocated affection while in a relationship, not just sex, because that is how romantic relationships are defined.
>In the context of romantic love relationships, romance usually implies an expression of one's strong romantic love, or one's deep and strong emotional desires to connect with another person intimately or romantically.
most people are broken goods to some degree or at some point in their life. You might develop an eating disorder and baloon to 400lbs, you might have a retarded kid, you might get cancer. the person you love might one day tell you they are a pedophille. You might have a low iq, or be poor , or be old, or have anger issues.there are lits of reasons you can become unviable. be kind to people for god's sakes! people are like flowers , they need a lot of loving care to grow to their full potential
Not everyone deserves to get their cake and eat it too, relationships don't run on favors and sacrifice, you're thinking of abusers.
If you aren't healthy then you should try to heal yourself, making other people deal with your shit makes you pathetic and spoiled.
Stop cucking yourself for his needs.
You could just be open about your needs and if he cannot meet them mutually, move on to someone who can.
Is it REALLY that hard to figure out?
This is a reminder to all you chucklefucks that asexuality is an unconscious substitute object choice for a frustrated human need.
I suggest your boyfriend sees a therapist before the Cuckening happens.
PS. cucking is for faggots of the highest degree
We broke up or well, he broke up for me.
He told me he doesn't want to hold me back just because he is asexual.
He's packing up right now and is going to be living with his mother for the time being. At least he was honorable when he broke it up, but I'm already starting to miss him.
I'm still going to seek out therapy though.
>when I try to seduce my boyfriend it doesn't work
>he must be incapable of feeling sexual attraction
Seriously though, try talking to him like a grownup. Nothing we can tell you here that he won't be able to tell you better.