i spent a lot of time that week talking about how much i wanted to get out of the house that weekend they hung out without me i got kinda mad they got mad right back yelling about how they invited me and it's my fault i didn't go could have sworn they didn't invite me he says they did, i can ask the other two guys okay whatever come to find out they did not invite me and they were all in on it and they're mad at eachother and one told me i knew it i knew they didn't invite me and i knew they all lied i have no friends that didn't lie to me
>Raped, tortured, abused around ages 8 to 12 >Never told anyone until I turned 27 because fear and blackmail from torturer >Finally opened up as a traumatized 27 yrs old >Women being cat called or called bossy is a way bigger issue than suicidal men with PTSD ............. >Been to prison due to immigration problems >Deported back to home country >Felt safer and more free in prison than home country >Home country isn't and never was under terrorist siege it's just a horribly toxic culture
I should stop I have so much to let out i'd be here until next week... *sigh*
>>16796851 Thanks but I think i got the heavier ones out. Though it is frustrating I'm afraid the rest of the problems get a bit more personal than I'm comfortable sharing on 4chan even under anonymity. That and petty "the world is going to hell because offending someone is a crime now" kind of rants
>>16797356 Idk if you're still even interested in hearing but, yeah, going out with underage girl. 16/20. Of course it's taboo and very suspect. However, we have a long distance relationship. We hit it off amazingly. She's beautiful and she shares the same mode of thinking as I do. Now obviously I know that many people would say that she is still a child and she hasn't matured. I understand. And honestly I believe it. But, we haven't decided to abandon the friendship that we have that evolved into romance.
As months progressed, her parents found out. She kept getting caught more and more from talking to me. She's lost her gaming console, (which we met on), her cell phone, her privacy, and even her best friend, whom we used to use as a middleman to send messages to. It's gotten really dire, and I feel so guilty for it all.
Above doesn't really explain all the details and mini problems that make this situation so difficult.
I love her, and I vowed to stay with her no matter how bad it gets. Even if somehow... the authorities get involved. I mean, they shouldn't, but we both know it's possible in a way. I keep telling her that we can wait until she gets older..
I want her to live and enjoy being young. Don't try to catch up to me. I'm still trying to figure my own life out. But it's just, she doesn't really have a lot of people who know or care that much about her. Except her best friend (the one who she recently got banned from talking to) and me.. So, it's like... all this damage. And it's just her and I. I feel incredibly guilty about stuff.
>we meet and have beautiful friendship >we are in love >find out ages >okay we understand >her parents ask her why is she so happy >met this guy at school (lie) >parents snoop >lie is found >crackdown on her life >her dad calls me >back off from muh dawter >okay sir >they find us still talking >more crackdown >loses more stuff >we both are stuck in limbo >wanna make relationship work, but too dangerous
I hate myself so much. I give everything just to get nothing. I make sure the important people and their feelings are considered when making choices, but i don't get that in return. I do whatever is needed of me, but no one does what I need them to do. I do whatever is asked of me, but no one does what I ask if them. I always make sure to take time to make sure the people around me are happy and content . I don't get that in return. At the the end of the day I have extremely low expectations. Sometimes though it really fucking irks me when the bare minimum of my effort output can't be reciprocated. How is that not that simple?
I hate myself because in the moment, doing things for my close people makes me so happy. It isn't until I sit down at night and start to ponder about the past day, week, or month and the hate starts to set in. this cycle is god awful ridiculous. I hate myself.
Why doesn't she love me? She was the center of my universe, my sunshine.. now she won't even talk to me. I remember when she would always want to be by my side and hang out, we were almost inseparable. I guess I did something wrong or maybe she just got over me. What I do know is that there's a huge hole in my heart where she use to be.
Good friend of mine is going after the qt I was going for a while back. Didnt pan out and the three of us do stuff every few months, and I really enjoy the time because they're not degenerates like most of the people I spend time with. I really shouldn't care since I'd like to think I got over her, but after he tells me this some of those feelings return. Its not that I dont want him to succeed, because fuck it'd work out so much more for the guy since he's just all around better than I could ever be, its just that of all the people it had to be him. I dont want this to kill the good friendship we have going on, but if it works out I definitely wont be hanging out with her anymore, which would actually be a shame
>>16796626 >>16796626 My family is fine, my grades are high, I have a good group of friends and there's a girl I'm trying to get closer to, but for some reason I feel depressed everyday. And the very fact that I get depressed over nothing despite the fact that there are thousands of people out there who are worse off than me makes me even more depressed. Every time I find my self feeling good from something like having a nice conversation with said girl, feeling motivated to do something productive or laughing at a really good joke, I always seem to sabotage myself.
I'm stuck in a never-ending loop of self-loathing. I don't deserve to be happy, I've already done too many stupid things and have hurt enough people in my foolishness.
I want to die because I know that my existence will make the world a worse place, but I'm too scared of death. I want to go to an island where no one will bother me, with just a computer, food, house and internet so I can keep talking with all of you faggots.
>>16797725 I do but the friend going after her went out of his way to let me know what was going on. I really dont want to cut his chances because he is a really good friend, but I'm a bit salty that I know he has a good chance. The chick is easily the nicest and most pleasant person I've ever known, and I think what scars me is that I can see it working out. I'd love to get in the way but I cant do that to my bro, guy is one of the few true friends I have left, but still I wont deny it is filling me with some weird feelings that shouldnt be there. I think I really just want to keep the normal friendship with the both of them going because I really enjoy the time with these people, as a lot of the other people I spend my time with are really shitty people
im always unsatisfied with my life/everything i do. even though i know i can be succesful at it if i tried. like i get the feeling that live is supposed to be lived a certain way and im doing it wrong.
I cheated on my wife with a coworker for 4 months. She was perfect. Everything always felt right with her. And sex wasn't even in the picture for 2months. We legitimately dated...and it was great... I wish I wasn't married with one child and one more on the way. Otherwise I'd be divorced and waiting.my wife got pregnant and mistress wasn't happy. We had a baaaaaad break up. Scale of 0-10 it was a Hindenburg. Now she won't even look at me. She said I've ruined her for love. That I was the only one she'd ever loved...and I felt the same. I truly loved this woman more than I thought was possible. And now it's gone. I miss her. I cry every other night. Wife can never find out so I have no one to talk to. I hope this feeling of emptiness subsides soon.
I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I hate being alone, but I hate being around other people. I hate being anonymous, but being anonymous is all that saves me from being despised by everyone I feel the slightest connection to. I strive for acceptance, but realize I'm a shitty person. I want someone to tell me that I'm not okay, but never put any importance into what others say. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die either. I want to change my ways, but they're the only things that keep me who I am. I hate who I am, but I love myself on the odd times that I don't hate myself.
I need to find a middle ground, but every time I try to mix my lifestyles, I hate how it turns out. Every time I try to improve myself, it feels like a downgrade. I don't even know what to type, I'm going over the same fucking concepts again and again, but it's all different and the same simultaneously. Like what do?
>>16796626 I am an fullhouse nihilist. I cant cope with live no longer. It makes me wish never to see anyone, because i just cant bring up understanding for moral and believes. Life is so irrelevant, and its a fact. The existence of a pile of crap has the the same relevance as the existence of humans- none. I get seen as weird because they dont understand things like determinism. I see no problem in killing people or any kind of violence/ "unethical" behavior, because displacing atoms and thus "ending a life" doesnt matter a shitty bit.
I was with this girl for a year. A short year. It was the best year of my life. Before I met her, I'd never so much as felt puppy love. What I felt for her was so strong I can't explain it; it wasn't infatuation or any sort of feeling of the moment. It was admiration. I would have died for this woman.
I'm a senior in high school, and I've had a few other gf's since we broke up. Two said they loved me. I can't let go of her. I'm a mess, and I need to be back with her, but she hates me. I know my problems aren't as big or as debilitating as others here, but I've never felt remotely depressed about anything in the past.
This is new. It's different. It's scary. I feel hopeless about something for the first time ever. She won't talk to me. Her friends won't talk to me. I just don't know what to do.
>>16797671 I will help you now. Listen closely. if your mind is strong enough, you will make it. First, why do you hate yourself ?All you see around yourself is just your perception of the world- yours. Why care one bit what other people think ? Its their thoughts, in their brain. This is your existence. Use and abuse them, if that means making them happy, so be it. Why care if they give something back ? Its about empowering yourself in the end. And most importantly, we live in a deterministic universe. Everything that happens was predetermined since the big bang. So why ponder on this shit my friend. Stop hating yourself. Be the thoughest motherfucker on earth. Be evolution.
>>16797671 You are the only force for good in the world. If you feel good doing these things, then that is your form of payment for those things. Your friends do not do anything for you because you don't ask it of them. You know, deep down, that you are being repaid by yourself.
It wouldn't hurt to ask them to do stuff for you once in a while though.
My university has a form you can fill out to try and get additional scholarships, so I thought I'd try it. I got to a question about contributing to the school's diversity and I told them I was bi because I'm a very bland person otherwise.
I guess I was truthful, I mean I have been attracted to a very small number of guys before. It's just a strange feeling to talk about how much of something you are when you're unsure at best.
D- I dreaded seeing you today but I actually had a lot of fun! I don't really know what to do with your transparent crush on me. You don't know this but I've been struggling with the possibility that I'm a lesbian... sorry.
Grandmas- I'm sorry I don't call more. I have so much anxiety over your deaths that I end up distancing myself, even though only closeness will help. It's been literally keeping me up at night this past week, I can't help but imagine what you will look like in your coffins and then I start freaking out over my own mortality and what I want done with my body. I have a fear of being falsely pronounced dead and being embalmed/buried while fully conscious and feeling pain, or being cremated alive... So, very stupidly, I don't call. But I want to, and starting tomorrow I will. The anxiety is beginning to suffocate me.
Mom- Thank you for talking to me about my fear of not being able to cope with your death. I think it will shatter me unlike anything else, and it helps to have wise and comforting words from you decades in advance.
Dad- When you don't take care of your physical health and avoid all doctors, it makes me feel like you don't care about me. It feels like you don't care if your daughter loses her dad, like that's totally irrelevant. Please just do it for me. I'm afraid you're not giving me any time to spend with you and you don't care.
Future person I will meet someday and fall in love with: if you're having a bad time, hang in there! Wherever you are, we'll meet eventually. I hope you have a nice day today. People often feel like it's crazy that there was ever a time when they didn't know their SO, it's pretty funny to be living in it now.
Why won't adoption work for you? Is it at all possible to step back from the "my ideal child will look just like me" and actually put some thought into raising a productive child who will love and cherish you far more than you love yourself?
I can't have kids either if that makes this post feel less insulting.
Been unable to work since December 2014 and can't drive due to work related injury. Workers comp doesn't return my calls or emails. I can't drive due to doctor declaring he a road hazard since my leg is to weak due to my kneecap shattering. I have no one to talk to or hang out with since my friends are off doing other stuff have no significant other to share my problems with. I literally just sit at the house waiting for the day to end. I don't eat and can't sleep feeling myself get more and more depressed due to isolation. If I even mention how upset I've been getting everyone just gets mad that I'm being a sad sack. I'm just so tired of being by myself
>>16798184 I don't actually know for sure if I'm infertile, but it seems very very likely.
I have no problems with adopting (my mum was even adopted), but I've just always wanted to bear my own child. The whole experience of being pregnant and giving birth is amazing, and I'd give anything to go through that.
I'm not trying for a kid or anything, but at some point in the future I really, really want kids. If it came down to it, I'd adopt, but it's just a really awful feeling of knowing that I'll probably never have a biological child.
Would you adopt? Why can't you have kids, if you don't mind me asking? And how did you deal with it (if it was bad news that you're infertile)?
For your sake, I hope you're not! Glad to hear it's not a 100% solid diagnosis.
I'm likely infertile because of polycystic ovaries but my family also has a strong record of inheritable mental health issuesy. Unlikely to get pregnant with a delayed risk for the life of the child. The first part was shocking for selfish reasons - I'm more concerned about the personal complications than the potential infertility. The second one bothers me for purely unselfish reasons though. I'd hate to see a child lost to schizophrenia especially because it skipped me.
I can't relate much to the "want to be pregnant and give birth" part, so I'll trust your opinion on that. I would definitely adopt - I was unofficially adopted at the late age of 16 so I'd probably try to adopt an older child as well. Raising a little baby would probably be wonderful but I've known enough unhappy parents to know that it's not a given.
I have money problems, have a very unstable deadendjob, yet need to concentrate on my university education. I am learning to use networks in order to land a job as a sysadmin helper. And I have the feeling that all these 16 years have all been for nothing and I will be forced to move back to my parents who have always dragged me down by venting their shitty lives on me.
Oh, and I don'T see any future, yet still try. I want to know what it is to be like to have a relationship and have a lover by my side. Yet, all these things around me are eating me up from the inside.
Sometimes I seriously wonder what I am doing with this life and if it wouldn't be better to at least suicide by donating my organs to some organizations.
>plan to kill myself when I'm in my early thirties >If I find a purpose in life or someone I love and want to share my life with I'll put myself together for them but I don't really see anything else that would give me a purpose or reason to do anything >Not going to school because I just want to have fun while I am young and kill myself when I am too old to keep stripping because it is the only job that actually makes me happy and after that I will have no income >Other jobs make me super depressed and more suicidal than usual and I won't do it until I have a purpose to motivate me >Partner keeps asking why I am not doing anything with my life right now and keeps trying to get me to look up schools and stuff >I don't want to start school because I would be wasting my time doing something that was going to make me feel shitty and I would be stuck paying college debts and doing a job I didn't even like and likely kill myself out of depression >Future partners might try to get me to go to school and stuff too and not progress with me as a result >I'm probably fucked and it will be really hard for me to find love and as a result I really might die alone I don't have anything to guide me or give me a purpose at all. I am an athiest, existential nihilist, severely depressed, and there is no point to my life at all at the moment. Most people have religion, drive to create a future for their future kids and pass on their name, feeling of pride that pushes them to do things, etc. But I am purposeless, unmotivated, and the only things keeping me going day to day are literally just wearing cute clothes, playing games, and watching anime. I was in love with someone before and I would have literally done anything for them, so I know finding the right person for me could really give me the drive to make something of myself and I could turn my life around if I felt like I had a purpose. Too bad finding someone is not guaranteed...
>Have the potential to get any girl I want >Spaghetti out every time I try to talk to any girl who I'm into >My last girl came really easy and I'll literally never get another girl like that as easily as her I fucking hate relationships with girls. I think I'll just go gay, but guys can't fill that emotional void in my heart
>>16798477 Now now Mr. Kahn buck up chup! You have your whole life ahead of you! As Vice Principal of this establishment I call for an executive board meeting in my office and well see how you feel after sitting across the desk with me for a couple of straight hours.
I have paranoia, and fucking hell it sucks like a bitch man. I doubt fucking everything, even myself. I don't trust anyone no, I can't really. Not even my friends. I don't know how the hell I got this but I have this for a very long time now.I grew up alone most of the time, parents never let me outside because they were busy as hell and I understood that. I had zero to no social interaction in my childhood leading me to live as an introverted loner. My parents are nice I love them alot, but they couldn't understand crap, that and being lonely made me independent. Whenever I had a problem I didn't go to anyone else for help, no I was the one that solved it, whenever I had trouble with something I fixed it, no one but me. It has worked that way since forever and I only trust myself in doing things. I don't trust other people's abilities, I don't trust their motives, their intentions, I don't seek help from people because they can't help me. I guess slowly this became a disorder for me, I don't trust people at all and I always think of the worst case scenario. I have friends, nice people, sure they have their quirks and short comings but I like them.My paranoia led me to become narcissistic, people's emotions always seemed fake to me, like it's all staged or whatever and they're doing it just for the damn sake of it, like they're trying to reenact a cliche from an anime or movie, I don't believe it.My friends trust me so much, they like me a lot and consider me a very nice person, but I don't see them that way, if something bad were to happen to them I'd be fine of just leaving them.I hate that I could do that.I used them to gain knowledge, so I can study them, I get close and friendly with them so I can learn how they act for my own benefit. I wan't to say sorry to all of them, and know I come to them seeking for help. I thought I could do everything all by myself, but that's impossible.
>>16798494 Well Niko your cross hairs have been set. Give me a contact forum and I'll be sure your requests will be filled as soon as we settle this current physical dispute of distance between be and you. My front door, noon sharp.
I've developed a way of living to try and get away from the restrictions that external perceptions cause, but even though I'm way better now than I was, I'd be lying if I said I didn't care at all how other people view me.
We develop this from infancy: dependence on others is what keeps us alive. Requiring positive regard is a basic psychological need.
If I was to give you advice on how to minimise this though, I'd encourage you to self-actualise more. That way, external perception isn't something you need to worry about, and if you become really good at something then people will like you.
Just know that you'll never have everyone like you, but if you're just nice to people and/or good at something, you'll be admired, or at least respected, by someone.
We need help in SA, Jacob Zuma and is followers are corrupt, his a discrace to the dream of a rainbow nation that Madiba stived for. If the ANC keeps on ruling, corruption, povirty, farm murders, poor service delivering, bad economic disitions will not stop and the country of South Africa will be facing its worst disaster ever...
The past 6 months for me has been amazing. I started off as a jobless, car-less poor college kid who dropped his last semester. In this time I have got a job as a waiter at a restaurant, got fit, started selling weed. My body, confidence, social skills and especially cash flow have increased 10 fold. Over these 6 months I have been talking to my hottest coworker who is a solid 9.5/10. 5'4" 110 lbs, blonde, 36DD, with a perfect ass and perfect posture. We started smoking weed after work and then started drinking and smoking at a coworkers house. We were good friends and she quit work due to family problems. She texts me on Christmas and on new years and we continue to chill even though I thought we were only work friends. Eventually we start fucking and at this point I feel like I am a god. Her body has me going nuts and she is fun to chill with most of the time but she is a classic white girl and has many daddy and family problems plus an abusive relationship she finished a year ago. She comes with a lot of baggage but she hides it well and does not tell anyone except for me. Last night we were chilling and something I did made her say I was like her dad. I know I would never marry her but we have talked about a relationship and she feels like she is ready for one. I am unsure so I said we should wait a month and still see if we want it and she was really about that. Drunk at the super bowl my manager and I were talking and he said +1 on the sex but don't think about wifing her. I'm considering starting one just so I can lock in that pussy. She is not a slut at all and her approval of my body has my head in the clouds and I've been picking up girls numbers at work and going on dates regardless. She is so hot and gets so much attention she has guys lined up yet her abusive relationship stops her from seeing other people except for me. There is something about me that is different and I've known it from the start.
I am probably gonna go see my cousins this weekend. Being able to spend time with them is the best. The younger girl loves it when I lift her up and swing her around a bit. God damn I love those girls so much. They are the light of my life.
>>16799520 I go to school full time, work 5 nights a week, sell a half pound every month, see this girl and go on other dates plus working out which has me physically exhausted. I still press on. Before as a kid I knew I was good yet was bullied. Also my mom cannot afford the house so I have to help her out to pay rent and all of the groceiers on top of school because I don't have financial aid. I am 19 about to be 20 and some weeks I pull in over $1000. This girl is turning 21 this week and always talks about how she is so much older than me. It doesn't help that I have a baby face but thank God I can give her enough dick. I trust her and she goes off to party with her friends a lot and we have our separate time yet I have some strings attached to her. I know I shouldn't especially because she has so many problems but I just wanna make her scream my name in bed forever. I feel like I am running and things are amazing yet I'm afraid I'll fall. I am starting to fall behind in school and I'm losing my edge. The only reason I got to where I am now is because I said fuck you to getting approval from others and only working for myself. I need to start doing things for me again. This is for me. Stop slacking and worrying about women and focus more on calculus 2, get your degree so you don't have to sell weed anymore. Be happy with what you have. Your girl is sexy as fuck and all your friends are jealous. You don't need any more dates. Stop talking about how much money you have. Don't flex and don't play your rap music full blast in your car. Don't get arrested and keep your head low. You do stupid things like count $600 in the grocery store line when your cart is only a box a condoms and cereal. You don't even use condoms you just want to remind the clerk that you have sex. Do things for you that is why these 6 months have been great to you in the first place
Not a day goes by im not questioned for weird approaches to things, or inability to perform some simple (mostly useless) task.
I have lost relationships and friends due to misunderstandings that are so easily explained if people just opened their goddamn minds. I am educated in clinical psychology, i can explain it easily.
I can even show you the science, proof, and photos of ct scans to show what is physically different about me.
My brain is fundamentally different. Neither superior nor inferior. I can see a universe of things you cant. I can think faster you. I can see more angles of everything you can. On national testing i scored 99th percentile. Higher than 98 out of 100 kids.
I am also incapable of a bunch of things you find simple. I cannot keep things organized. I cannot read books. I cannot be counted on to build or keep routines without my medication. When you come shouting at me for clothes on the floor or things back out of place, or keys in the refrigerator, i have no memory of doing it, and i had no ill intent.
I fight every day to make people happy, and in anxiety expecting to be blindsided by something i did or didnt do that i dont even know about. I am called , lazy, retarded, ive been told to stop making excuses, ive been dehumanized and invalidated every day of my 28 years alive.
I want to be better. It is not a matter of 'just do it'. It is not lazy. I am not just expecting others to take care of me. And yes, i have good parents and I was strongly disciplined. Worse than other kids because they just didnt know to do.
Had I gone to school in Finland, Id have flourished. ADHD is real, people. I have a Bachelors degree. I make 50k a year. I work hard and i have an amazing supportive wife.
It is no thanks to any of you fuckers or the system. Thanks for nothing.
Secretary of State approved my business today. I haven't told anyone yet because I've gotten a lot of kickback and a few comments that seem to show a complete lack of faith in my skills and general ability. always the response I get on anything I do. well watch me now.
I had my third electroconvulsive therapy treatment today. Apparently it went really well; the doctor told me (very excitedly) that I had "textbook seizures and brain activity". I'm not exactly sure what that means or why it's good, but it's nice to know, I guess.
You go into this room divided by a curtain where you undress and get into a hospital gown (with scrub pants), and then they put in your IV and take you to a bed. Once you're there, you wait your turn for the ECT room to be available (they schedule them back to back, so you don't have to wait more than a few minutes, but it's annoying because you don't exactly have anything to read -- I ended up reading my chart because I was so bored), and when it's your turn you're wheeled by two nice nurses into the room where they do the ECT, with the magic ECT machine thingy.
They put this oil on your face to make the electrodes stick, and then put a few electrodes on you; one goes on top of your head, to measure brain activity and make sure you're having a seizure (otherwise they can't tell, because you're pumped full of muscle relaxants), another two went on the right side of my face to induce the seizure, and another two on the left side of your face to track even moar brain activity.
Then they pump the muscle relaxants into your IV, and put this oxygen mask on you to knock you out (they used ketamine as an anesthesia because apparently it prevents relapse.).
Next thing you know, you wake up an hour and a half later and your sense of balance is completely fucked, I guess from the seizures. This time I woke up with one hell of a headache, though -- they upped the settings on the machine to give me better seizures, or something.
It's kind of annoying because they have to take you in a wheelchair out to your car, and someone else has to drive you home, and you are absolutely not able to walk unassisted for a fucking while (in my case at least half an hour, but since it's an hours' drive home I'm usually more or less good by then.).
Then I go home and sleep off the damned anesthesia. I ache all over like I just spent the day at the gym, something to do with the muscle relaxants (which I suspect is a nice name for a paralytic.).
Hey >>16800136 don't kill yourself mate, go travel alone, or do something that you never could do. (not killing or some shit). I mean, like travelling all by yourself and things like this. Think with me... If you want you get killed. Them you are ready for one epic fucking cool travel. Or meet someone at some random place, do things that only you can feel better with this. I walk one the midnight, run, no one is on streets, but i feel so good. You should try things that you have never done before. My time lol;. >>Hate my life, everyone one is well succeed and i'm just a fucking guy who likes to do nothing.. Exactly i am a fucking vagabond. I tried to work but it gets me really sad, I tried to do freelances but i didn't succeed cuz my lack of skills
jesus fucking christ you drive me nuts all you do is complain, you're so fucking negative. you're so fucking paranoid. you do the same shit every single day. you whine i don't go out enough, you whine i never spend enough time with you. which is it? the fuck do you want from me. you find everything and anything to bitch about. i want to bake some shit? no. you don't like that because i make a mess when you go into my fucking kitchen and clean it up while i'm in the middle of baking. do you think i have four arms? one on the spoon, the other with a rag? constant reminders of shit i already know what to do. i've been taking care of myself all my god damn life i have no parents, no family. i don't need you telling me shit i already know. how do you even live? how is it possible to be such an obnoxious fuck? i come home from work and i want to fucking relax not have you bitch at me. "don't spill this. i don't want ants" "don't eat that, that's so gross" "the neighbor built a playhouse for his kid, that's so dangerous. what's wrong with them?" "do i always have to clean up your mess?"
I love you -- adore you even -- but I dread this weekend... Not only because there will be a loud 1 year old in the house for the next 2 days, but because of how you act... every. single. weekend. It's like, you cannot grasp that there is someone that requires more attention than you and it drives you up the wall... Because you then proceed to accuse me of cheating on you left and right. Now, I do not know if that is an outlash because you're not getting your attention, or if it's a legit fear... But if so... GET HELP. Like I said, I adore you, but your paranoia is killing this relationship. Speaking of killing our relationship, you need to learn how to accept NO for an answer. Seriously.
I'm not afraid because I think they don't want to talk to me (though I do think that most of the time anyway), but I'm afraid because anything I say can, and most likely will, make them angry. I've learned (from them) that I can't say how I feel or confront them when something they've done upsets me, because if I do then they'll just get really angry at me, and more than likely abandon me. They've continuously showed me that basically my feelings and thoughts don't matter, so I've learned to keep my mouth shut and to really watch what I say.
I want every muslim to die. Right now. And every day at noon for the rest of human history. I want them all to walk outside and spontaneously combust in the least flammable spot possible, everything burning except their nerves and brains, which will be left over to freak out everybody else. I want this to happen every day.
99% of the people that knows me hates me because i'm annoying as fuck. I use humor to cover up my seemingly endless sadness, but i expose my feelings too easily, so i get tagged as a depressive piece of fuck. Also, i'm too insecure to know when a girl wants something with me or try to invite someone to do something cool. I'm really thinking about suicide, my life is too empty and i'm a fucking coward.
I've had a fever for the last couple days, and tonight I had my obligatory fever dream to freak me the fuck out. I'm honestly not even sure what it was, just that it woke me up, and I was hot, red, sweaty, and was almost panicking. I think it was mostly to make me get out of the heavier clothes I was wearing in bed, since I was shivering a lot before going to sleep. However, that anxious feeling is still kind of there in the background, like if I went back to sleep I'd just launch straight back into the dream, which is why I'm posting at 4:00am.
So all I can say is, fuck fevers, and fuck fever dreams.
>talking with the question asker about work shit. >tell them something they've heard a million times in the past: "but I don't want to cause them problems because, at least on my end, they're all nice people and I seen them as friends." >Asker looks at me as if he knew I was going to say something like that. >"Who isn't a nice person in your world, Anon?"
What I actually said back wasn't really a legitimate answer and was more of just repeating what I just said but worded differently. Even though they didn't mean for the question to relate to how I see people and things in general and was just a transition into more work shit, it's stuck in my head and for the life of me I don't know how to answer that without saying "because they are". That's not an answer. That's denial and its fucking with me.
I want to break up with my fuck buddy cause i feel like we are in a relationship and frankly I realized that I'm not in to fat chicks, but I find it pointless to do so since I still like hanging out with her and it's not like I'm going to get a gf anytime soon.
back story is i jerk off 3 times a day and haven't had sex in almost 3 years. and always felt like shit. finally met someone but the sex sucked cause I didn't feel a damn thing. Then it became a LDR and I went back to jerking it all the time again and still feeling depressed as shit.
about a month ago I tries mot jerking it for a month. lasted a week but i noticed a difference in my mood and when i broke it was fucking awesome. now im trying it again for lent and i jesus its like so much harder now. i feel so much more on edge and angrier than usual and trying to get to sleep takes forever.
I'm scared that won't work out. I'm scared this will again be a one way crush. I'm still not attached to you and now would be the best moment to get off. Yet I didn't feel that way in a year. I feel one of those sparks when I look at you. I hope this will work out and I will spend my valentine with you. A day is 24 hours and that's what's left to plan what's left.
For some reason I attract black women like magnets. I'm sorry black girls I just wanted to be friends. I kind of assumed black girls didn't like white dudes and maybe it's fucked up, but personally I'm not into having a half black child. For the record I would totally fuck at least 3 of you, except neither of us are promiscuous which is what I really liked about you and the fact that you weren't ghetto bitches.
It's fucked up I guessed. Maybe it's better, I hated all your hood-rat ass families though except Tanika's grandma, she was always cool to me and would give me sandwiches. I don't know why you ended up so cool, but your siblings all became ghetto trash.
How do you keep pushing on while the world around you is falling into shambles?
How do you continue to live obliviously day by day while the titans at large destroy the world as once we knew ever so slowly?
Look around you. Oil has become obsolete. China has failed. Syria has become an international proxy war.
Take a good look at who the possible future leaders of America are. One conspiring Hillary Clinton is a soon-to-be-convicted felon. One Socialist Bernie Sanders seeks to spike taxes by $19.6 Trillion. One fascist Donald Trump will try to undermine what little America has left.
And when the stocks crash, the world shall go to war.
There may be a tomorrow, but that tomorrow won't be as bright as yesterday was.
Imma control my little slice of the world and progress at all times as much as possible.
if, at some point, everything else going on in the world makes it so there are no more moves on the chess board for me and I have nothing to lose, well then someone is dying. multiple someones more than likely. many many many someones will die. at that point things will be so damn fucked up that those people might beg for it.
pretty simple really.
oil was always going to become obsolete, many things are already replacing it. its fine, it'll be better.
china failed years ago. this is a correction of an error that has been propped up with lies and corruption for decades. this was always going to happen. it'll be fine. it'll be better.
syria is nothing new. this has been the geopolitical status quo for decades. eventually this will end as well and the warpigs will have to contend with peace. give a couple decades of progress.
bernie will never get taxes that high. honestly probably the best candidate though. if he did get taxes that high, then I'd move. easy. donald is a wildcard. no telling whats gonna happen there.
yesterday wasn't all that bright. and if you keep drinking the cool aid that the media feeds you nothing will ever be bright again.
>>16801481 I don't think sodomy and fellatio are sex. Its something libtards have been pushing since the 60's. Yes, its fun. Yes, it feels good, but its not actually sex. Sex is the connection of one set of genitals to the other, where the intention (subverted by condoms and pills) is fertilization.
Or do we really want to call a hand job "finger sex" now?
Assholes and mouths are not secondary sex characterstics, therefore it can't be considered sex. I don't get why people want to believe the delusion. Maybe because anal sex sounds better than sodomy.
>>16796626 I am stationed in japan and dont really like it much. I just want to smoke weed, but military. I wish i wasnt so far away from a bdubs as well. I know what you might say 'free vacation' but honestly going from the top to be judged every day is shitty. I miss my gf of 2 years as well. It is just stupid. The only solid is i play so much fuckin video games and masterbait constant. Pic related it is me.
I feel like I'm not allowed to be sad or angry because I'm from an upper-class family who has given me a lot of money to live my life so far well-fed and luxurious, so I'm posting this on an anonymous mongolian basketweaving forum.
What I don't have is the knowledge of what a proper family feels like. I'm going to start from long ago.
When I was a few months old, my mom left me, my sister and my dad. That wasn't the end of it, since as I grew up she'd keep coming over to bring me out. Then she'd tell me how much she wanted me to live with her, how I should ask my dad for more money to give her, and how my stepmother is an evil witch. She'd bring me on cruises over some weekends, and one time I woke up with her in bed with a man she introduced before as "Uncle", a clearly older man. I remember she'd sometimes take me to see his big house and tell me about how great and nice he is. I never figured out the connection till later, and according to some rumours, he wasn't the first, and it was before my mom left. Now that I'm 21 and don't really bother to contact her, she still tries to call me out for dinner and tell me how much she misses me, how she needs me to care for her when she's old, how she's my mother above all else when she's done little to that effect.
There's my stepmother. A very kind woman who raised me like her own child, but unfortunately, that didn't mean a lot. She was the kind of mother who didn't let me show weakness, when I asked her why she took away my video games at the age of 10, she insisted there was something wron with me and if I kept 'acting out', I'd be taken to a psychiatrist and beaten into shape. She struggled with a previous marriage and a daughter, my stepsister, who she would have frequent arguments with and would run away from home for days at a time. That combined with numerous other issues has made her a mental wreck that frequently lashes out at my younger sister and me, and insists that my dad is cheating on her.
>>16801609 Then there's my dad. I thought he would never fail me until one time at the age of 9, when he suddenly lashed out at me for showing him my Pokemon and said I was being useless. When I was 12, my teacher called home because I didn't turn up some homework, and this sparked in him something that I've never been able to forget. He called me every insult he knew, that I was useless and a fool and that the only one who gave me the affection I wanted (at the time, even if just to secure a retirement fund) was a evil bitch. Then he called my mother and told her things I never heard, but she was glad to bitch to me about how life was so hard for her and that I should pity her anyway. I was just 12. What the fuck was I supposed to do?
That same year I had a major exam, and while I did alright, I didn't perform to what my family was expecting. So for a while my father took every chance to tell me how useless I was, especially in his drunken states, until I broke down crying in public and my grandmother told him to stop. After my grandmother died and I slumped into the worst two years of my life, he helped by fucking me up a lot more whenever I wasn't being perfect. Oh, and he fucking hates vidya, which got me through bad times of my life when he wasn't there. Half of his yelling was him being triggered by me playing video games while drunk. Before, when I tried telling him about stuff I wanted to talk about, he'd dismiss me completely and send me off. It's unbelievable when I see people actually affectionate with their fathers. It's completely unknown. He tries to talk to me now that I'm a uni student, but I don't think I can ever do it. I feel guilty about how I'm not satisfied despite him working to support my comfortable lifestyle, but I'm angry that I don't have a father I can bond with emotionally. Then I'm guilty again because I feel like I've never been good enough and it's my fault why he's angry, then angry again because he fucked me up too.
>>16801609 >>16801653 I was raised by my grandmother, who despite yelling at me all the time was the one always there because my dad and stepmother worked overseas, coming back only every so often. Hew health worsened, I think, because it was eventually revealed that my grandpa had a mistress on the side for years, and began bringing her along to family outings. My grandpa is a cool guy, but his one flaw was this sickening bitch who's really just using him as a sugar daddy. After my grandmother's passing, he moved in with her. But now everyone assumes this whore is my grandma, and I don't want to embarrass him by saying otherwise.
The only people I trust in my family are my sisters. My older, full one who's leaving this cesspit of a family this summer when she gets married, and my younger half-sister, who is sometimes the only reason I come home, and the main reason I opted to stay at home to study instead of moving into a dorm. I don't want her to be alone like I was for so long. She's the only person I can see myself giving my life for.
Is it right for me to be sad and angry, /adv/? I know it could be worse, everyone's told me that. I just want someone to tell me something nice for once. I don't know. Even writing all this, I feel dirty, like I'm being ungrateful or spoiled for feeling this way.
a text from this girl who is > a)one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen in my life (like seriously 9/10 and a huge rack, also some of best blow jobs i've ever gotten in my life) > b)basically my ex, after about 6-7 years of on and off between 'dating'-but-not-calling-it-anything-bullshit and 'being friends' > c)clipped out of my life a year or two ago after putting me through more bullshit and telling me that 'she couldn't be friends with me', 'needed to go find the person she would marry' and 'won't contact me anymore' for the DUMBEST REASONS, then proceeds to making multiple calls and texts to me trying to 'make it right'. NOPE.png pic related
sorry for this skidmark of a post everyone. it pisses me off that this girl and i were basically soulmates for awhile, but she couldn't keep it together. i remember actually telling people back then that 'i never thought i could be so in love' and 'with the most beautiful woman i'd ever seen'. that makes me pretty dumb, i know, but i was a dumb college student when that happened.
so this text is now asking me what i'm doing later today, on valentines day fuckin weekend. like seriously WHAT THE FUCK how self centered can you be, i have a gf of 3 years to worry about now (why is chocolate and flowers so fucken expensive)
reeeee i don't need this shit from you, not this weekend, and not after you called me on my dead sister's birthday to 'friend-break-up' with me. and then again the next year 'make it up'. two years in a row. and now today? you're a bombshell, probably lonely and sad, and you know i'm a push over, but srsly FUCK OFF you BLEW IT
>old neet still living with parents >stupidity and depression have left me far behind peers >feel pathetic every day >feel like it's far too late for me >everyone stopped asking about my life years ago when they realized I was going nowhere >toxic family demolishes any positivity due to them fighting over petty stuff, stress and negative comments >only thing that causes me joy is the little moment right before nodding off at night, knowing I soon won't have to be awake anymore
I'm too poor to afford any help and my parents think my depression isn't real. I've never been this deep into it but now understand why some people commit suicide. This feeling is awful and each time I crawl a bit out of it I slide back down into the muck. I feel like no progress is ever made.
I don't know why I continue to get up every day and put effort into living.
I hate people. The're awful in my experience. All they do is shit talk, gossip and find any flaw and magnify it. I try to be a nice open person, but people usually reject me and rather talk shit about me. Yesterday at Starbucks I talked to the woman cashier and for some reason she started fucking with me. The other coworkers joined in and it really made me feel like shit because it seemed more like offensive shit talk than playful. I turned around to leave with my coffee and the rest of the costumes were giggling and starring at me. I will never go back to that Starbucks again. I never had friends which makes me very depressed and sad. Some nights I think about buying a body pillow again and spraying it with expensive perfume to cuddle at night. Then when I remember how arrogant many people were in my life were to me I can't justify that the problem is just me. Answer this question. Why do I have to accept assholes in my life and be a happy loner, knowing most people see me as a joke in society?
I dress okay and have good hygiene. I go to places with a positive attitude to talk, but someone there is always possessed with a demon full of shit.
After that slight overdose the other night and the cop incident a couple weekends ago, in those moments of adrenaline and being completely beyond simple life on earth in a way, I've realized I'm so over worrying. I feel like Peter in Office Space when he wakes up not giving a shit, but less severe. I don't care if I don't pass college at this point, because I lost interest in my field several terms ago! Ironically I've found that I love my dishwashing job and the people I work with. I know I can't advance or get a career as a "Professional Dishwasher". What I'm saying is, as a 19 year old, where I'm at right now - I'm okay with it. I'm okay with not growing up so fast and trying to have my entire life figured out. I'm okay with letting go for a while and going out to bars and drinking with people and having a good time. I have my whole life ahead of me, so why don't I live it when I'm ready to?
>>16802398 This happened to me after I had my second baby. Natural childbirth gone wrong ***excruciating pain*** nuff said. But afterward I found that I wasn't afraid of all the stupid things I was afraid of before. I guess because how could anyone ever do anything that horribly painful to me again? Chances are slim. I could not possibly experience that level of fear of primal agony.
Is it wrong to put school on hold and move away for a while to "find" myself despite being so close to graduating? I could always come back right? I need a change, and that change needs to start with having more time for myself to do what I want.
I'm very introverted, through years of a shitty childhood of being alone most of the time. I've come to accept my introversion, but sometimes I get really lonely and want to just talk with people.
I like talking to people, but I don't really know how to keep conversations going. I can't think of anything to continue on about or a new topic to start. I think that others think I don't want to talk to them because it seems like I'm purposely killing the conversation.
like it's bad to the point where if people don't reply to messages, I wonder if I did something to make them hate me. it's totally irrational, but I always feel that way.
>>16798095 Be patient and keep at it, anon. I get frustrated, too. But I remind myself I'm not gonna lose fifty pounds in a week and my knees are gonna feel like they're falling apart for a few weeks. But then it'll be over and I'll be stronger.
>>16802718 Actually, now that I recall it more clearly, it was the other way around. I blocked him (you?) because it was obvious we weren't going to see eye to eye. Then he (you?) warned others off of me in the Skype thread. :')
We do have some workout equipment here. I've been meaning to try it since years ago when I was active I was somewhat happy.
My family are just mood vampires though.
>leave room for first time today >more arguments and drama >people trying to drag me in >subtle things to see who's 'side' I'm on >don't take any side >everyone is pissed at me >find some of my food I bought in the trash after shower >"it was expired anon. I was cleaning the fridge." >it wasn't and it isn't the first time this 'revenge' happened >can't even listen to music without hearing them argue or doors slam >go for walk in park >they're blowing up my phone via text and calls >come back and see someone rifled through my room for some reason >see most of my change jug was emptied
>Be popular kid in high school >Stereotypical prep >Rich parents >Hangout with other rich kids >Just be a total dick to everyone who wasn't rich >Bullied weaker students daily >Tons of friends >Invited to all the parties >Expensive flashy car >Girls all over me >Laid all the time >On top of the world >Graduation comes >Suddenly everything changes >Friends all leave the state >Girls no longer interested in me >Just another person in the crowd
I don't know, I wish I could go back and change things, I wish I could go back to having all those friends, but be a nicer person to others, there was no need to bully or be a douche, I see that now...I wish I could go back.
I saw my cousins again today. When I came to visit, the younger girl immediately gave me a hug. God damn I love them so much it makes me tear up. I wish that they would always remain as adorable and innocent little girls as they are. Just being able to spend time with them, or merely just watch their tomfoolery fills me with joy. The way they get angry at me for snickering at their foolishness is infinitely adorable, especially when their anger usually subsides in just a few minutes, and they end up hugging me.
They are the light of my otherwise rather bland and boring life, and now that I live in the same city as they, I can see them far more regularly. I hope to take them to the zoo once the spring comes, and to the amusement park once it is summer. I hope that my aunt will allow me to do so. Nothing makes me as happy as being able to make those girls laugh and be happy. I know of nothing as adorable as their smiling faces.
>>16800472 Ehhh posting whiny crap is a good way to get it out of my system. He just gets like this for a while sometimes. If it gets to be more than I can handle I let him know, and he'll get back in touch soon. I'm actually the same way to be fair but he, for whatever reason, is the only person I don't seem to get that way with. So I can completely understand it yet I can hardly relate to it at all. It makes enough sense when it's thought through but muh emotions can't into things like reason and expectation management, so the disparity does eventually end up fucking my mood sometimes. These threads are tough to beat if you just want to moan about shit without bothering anybody. Fairly interesting to read too usually.
Dayum! Dude. Ok I dated a guy years ago who started pulling that kind of shit and no amount of stress, good memories together, or manipulative little measured doses of "love" makes it excusable or okay to treat or be treated like that. Is this dude somehow unfathomably wonderful the rest of the time or something? Has he jedi mindfucked you into wanting to stick around? I kinda feel you on the abandonment issues thing - I don't cope with loss well; even if ways get parted on good terms, losing a loved one kicks my ass, leaves me devastated, and then haunts me - but "loved one" are the keywords there. All my feels steadily noped right tf out, and I bailed along with them. Being alone sucks way less than being some jackoff's emotional punching bag. Just saying. >sorry for lecturing >...but not that sorry >(worrisome post was worrisome) Yeah ok no fuck it seriously how and why have YOU not left HIM yet??
paperwork went through yesterday. got business today. more on the way. already talking about 1k+ business.
been a good day. its such a weird feeling not having weight and resistance from above for once. I'm going to progress as fast as I can and push as hard as I can. might have to go full time and hire an employee if this start is an indicator of anything.
I feel... good. for the first time in awhile I can say that and mean it. man its been a long time.
rofl I feel like dancing. I never feel like dancing. shit, am I going out tomorrow, I just might. dont wanna get ahead of myself here, but... this is so good. is this how people usually feel?
The exact opposite of what happened to me. I started as a harshly bullied nerd but improved myself and clawed my way up.
As easy as it'd be to kick you while you're down, don't live in the past, man. The present is what matters so work on yourself and keep your chin up. I'm actually friends with two guys that used to bully me. People do dumb shit in their youth so just let it be. You can only beat yourself up for so long.
I think im starting to crush an internet friend i met on miiverse, but the thing is that she has a boyfriend and im "straight" tho im not so sure anymore since girls has always drive my attention, i even kissed one when i was 8 but my parents never found out. But it feels like shit everyday feels like shit because i have nothing to do and i constantly think about this girl, there's no way i can tell her how i feel because that would be endgame. Its just that we have so much in common i can talk to her about anything. Fuck it hurts
Her life is getting messed up for going out with me. Her parents are making her life miserable because her and I go out. I guess it's my fault because she is still young. I am too, but it sucks. I never meant for this to happen. I hope things will get better. I mean, she still has two more years to go.
I'm talking to a girl who I like but she's got low self-esteem, low confidence, and issues with mental health which creates a bunch of other rabbit holes that I could go down but she's pretty boring in large doses.
I'm guessing that childhood bullying killed her self-esteem and confidence and her weight has always been something that she doesn't like but calorie counting is effort and the gym is scary so she occasionally does cardio but not often enough for it to actually make a difference so she's stuck with her weight.
She might be thinking her degree was the wrong choice. Maybe the work is shit and it's making her miserable as she's in a class with plebs who aren't her crowd whilst her old friends have gone to different parts of the country and are enjoying themselves when she's not.
There's probably a guy involved somewhere since she's really gorgeous so maybe she's been fucked over or she completely missed her chance to tell him how she felt when he was single. That's understandable but for three months, it's pretty OTT if it wasn't an actual relationship so my money is on her issues being a mix between university and a lack of friends.
I don't know. She's stunning but she's a little dull.
Overall, I'm pretty happy at the moment. I'm trying to find clothes online for the next time I hit the town.
I am very afraid of the future. This year so far has been very complicated and stressful that I am even more so than usual. I haven't felt easy in weeks. I am slowly losing motivation because I see the future as being bleak. I just want things to be simple again.
You were supposed to be using this time to find a balance with Him so that He could stay in our lives even after you seized a selfish moment for your own and betrayed my trust with Him- you were supposed to be finding a way to keep Him in our lives as a friend, for your mental health and emotional wellbeing, both of which we're worried.
You were NOT supposed to be spending the week sending him love letters and poetry.
I refuse to feel bad about calling you out on your shit, no matter how much you screw up your face and blubber, and ESPECIALLY after you justify and make excuses and downplay what's happening (still to this day!), after how many time you hurt me in such a short time period.
Get over it. You can't have your psychic fuckboy.
Oh, your soul aches for him? Deal with it, you fucked it up when you could have had him and me both if you'd just been transparent and honest with the proceedings.
"If I'd told you the magic would have been broken and the process would have fallen apart!"
I really wanted to believe you here, because it's clear that, on some level, this is the best explanation you've come up with to justify to yourself why you did what you did, rather than selfish infatuation and lust.
But I'll be damned if it doesn't sound like biggest fucking load of horseshit I've ever seen in my life, and I'm almost impressed you carted it out to me with the sincerity you did- especially after you already explained all the secrecy away days prior, with "Ohhh but muh relationship, you're so mean to the guys I like, you ruin all my emotionally unhealthy relationships!!" (Yes those were your actual words verbatim).
>>16804060 Oh and I didn't buy the explanation for why you gave him your account full of dozens of nude pics for a second, not really- all the more shame if you were actually telling the truth, because you chose a truth that's god damned impossible to say without making yourself look like the most foolish, overconfident liar in the world.
"I won't be around to talk to you for a few days because my hubby is upset with me again (so unreasonable!), here's a bunch of my old textpost ramblings from years ago (oh and as a small aside, more raunchy nude pics of me than you'll ever know what to do with btw) I hope you can find some way to not miss me so much until we start talking on the reg again. XOXO ;)"
"Oh that's just something to keep him occupied and maybe convince him he doesn't want to talk to me after all, I'm sure he'll be disgusted and be driven away."
(That second bit was again, nigh-verbatim.)
Read those two lines, again. You don't see how that seems a bit like someone crafting an elaborate lie?
How elaborate does it get? Are you tangled in your own web, by now?
Do you even know anymore, really?
FUCK I love you, so why do you have to make this so hard? I don't mean to hold all this in, and I guess it's nothing I haven't told you to your facenot really- I don't want you to think I'm angry and shaking internally and just hiding it- that's not the case. These aren't things I'm hiding from you, I just needed to have an alternative outlet tonight because you're asleep and my usual coping methods haven't been working well anyway.
I'm just frustrated and tired of being disappointed in you, and myself.
PS: I'm not sure if you're still telling each other about how much you love each other and etc or not, just know that if you're not, you're making this whole thing easier on both of us.
This just in, I masturbated while eating cake in the bathtub. However, I'm reporting to you live from Ireland to tell you of my username. An old lady gave me a bath salt to consume, and bam, my fart gazelles have appeared to piss off the Care Bears.
I have ASPD and I'm tired of keeping people at a distance and deceiving them. Thanks to social norms, I can't exactly go around telling people I don't experience emotions the same way they do or at all. Fear is a good example, I just get the adrenaline rush from fear and none of the self preservation and it isn't hard to figure out why that is a bad thing. I will likely never have a deep emotional connection with a person. I understand my situation, and thanks to that I've avoided drugs and alcohol so I haven't become a slave to addiction. Sadly most of society seems to associate people like me with serial killers and petty confidence schemes.
I am not out to hurt anyone, and the only things that I want are given freely and not through coercion. I wish I was in a healthier mental state, this past month has been fairly difficult for me.
He's probably either going to wake up in someone else's bed, or wake up with someone else in his bed.
Then he'll probably go out with some model-tier looking girl/guy and love them in ways he never loved me.
And then he'll go home with them, and study and worship their body with a love and passion he never gave my body. But luckily for him, he's probably already forgotten what my disgusting body looks like.
Meanwhile, I'm alone and miserable (just like last year), and wishing I was enough for him. But I don't compare and I never did and never will.
I'm pathetic and a delusional fucking idiot for thinking he could ever love me.
He's so friendly with this one coworker and only her, they're so playful and she's so teasing with him and chats as if they've been best friends forever. He isn't like this with any of the others, he doesn't talk to any other males nor females this often nor in such a way. He's overly generous with her and cares about her too much even though they've barely met. He hides his phone away when her convo is on the screen, but doesn't care if I see anyone else's.
But our sex is still pretty good and he acts like he loves me all the same and hasn't treated me any less. When I bring my feelings about this girl up, he gets incredibly pissed off.
I'm completely ready to be cheated on, but it still hurts so fucking much. I feel like we're ruined, I'm trying to be happy and ignore it and believe that he's loyal, but we're so ruined. I keep telling myself I'm paranoid, and I probably am, but it's so unnatural.
I have a new job prospective and the idea has me more excited than I thought I'd be.
I had thought that I had given up on life and was going to live at the bottom. But this new one has actual potential.
If I don't get it, I'll be sad. But I'll deny being sad. So in six months, I'll let it all out and probably wreck my room or put myself in a hospital. Fuck emotions. Every time something bad happens to me, I let it ride until it blows up and either I cry myself to sleep or I destroy something.
I just want one day to be stable.
Also I'm an alcoholic.I've been trying to stop for a month now but every time I get a couple days in, I come up with a reason to take another drink. I feel helpless
Oh my god you dumb bitch, can you just not be so fucking stupid for once? I think I fucking know of I have a cold or not because I'm not a dumb shit who thinks that one symptom means one illness.
I swear, talking to this bitch about shit even vaguely related to science is like talking to a retarded chicken. It wouldn't bother me so much if she didn't get so fucking defensive when I correct her about things. She so insecure about not being as smart as me that she basically pouts and makes me feel like I'm the one being a bad person. Grow the fuck up. I'm not offering my knowledge because I want to be a douche. I'm doing it so you have the correct information and stop spreading around bullshit and you actually LEARN something for once.
I want to commit suicide by cop but I'm conflicted because I know it will be hard on the officer who shoots me and I'm afraid I would survive. I just wish I could afford a real gun or had the balls to slit my wrists or hang myself but I can't and I don't.
>shitty person getting their comeuppance >seriously the shittiest person I've ever known >getting kicked out of our place >start to play up their usefulness and try to help left and right >don't realize how pathetic they look >don't realize they've done this many times before and everyone is just sick of their shit and knows this act
I don't care if you're homeless. I can't wait for your ass to hit the sidewalk this upcoming Friday. I won't have to walk into my home walking on eggshells or wake up to you starting fights with everyone.
>>16804443 The fact that he gets that pissed off when you bring up your feelings is a red flag. You should probably put your foot down instead of just accepting he might cheat, just from one sista to another
Im a boy who is being bullied by this girl. She told me that she wanted to have sex with me and i told her i dont think im ready for that becusse i feel like im to young. Im onky 9 and shes 14. She pulled out a knife and told me that i was. She told me that u better be ready next week bcause im not letting u chose anymore. She grabbed my peepee and she said to not say anything and she made me eat her girl thingy. She said if i didnt she would kill me. So i she made me do things to her thingys with my mouth. After she was done she told me to go back to class. Im scared. She said if i didnt put my peepee in her shes gonna make me. she said im gonna be a daddy if i dont go to her house every week. I dont know what shes talking about. Im scared she said if i domt want to she is going to kill me im scared i dont know what to do.
Life is a series of setbacks, one after another, and my dead end shitshack hollow vapid husk of a black hole piece of fucking garbage cocksuckers paradise muff punching nightmare of neverending FUCK on a stick, I tremble as life's 11 and a half inch DICK anally destroys my fucking rectum AGAIN and AGAIN as I lie there *writhing* in agony from this wretched fuckpile of a waste of time.
Killing myself would be more effort than this empty social experiment in SHIT would be worth. I only hope that after I shut down to the point of stopping eating I can starve in silence quickly and just not wake up tomorrow, the day after....... honestly, fuck if I care anymore. Should I go to work tomorrow? Should I shoot myself in the head? Let's flip a coin...
I'm just so angry and on edge lately. I'd like to think I'm used to not liking myself and have become content with the way things are but as of late I'm just feeling things I havent felt before. Its becoming probelmatic since I just get pissed off at little things now. Its like I want to just scream but I dont have a voice.
I have strong feelings for a girl. She knows I want her as more than a friend and she's sort of on the fence about it. I wanted to meet her on valentines but she had some reliable, pressureless casual sex planned weeks before I asked her, and I can definitely see why that's a better, safer choice than meeting someone who has feelings for you for the first time. It still hurts knowing they're probably fucking right now. Talked to her yesterday as she was lying in bed with him and couldn't sleep. She said that because of her previous abusive controlling boyfriend she can't handle being with someone who would try to argue ans change her mind on things. Letting her have things her way is a compromise that I'd be fine with. It went from "we're not going to be more than friends" to "I'll think about it". We'll be able to talk more in about 24 hours. I feel so fucked up right now, doesn't even feel like normal heartbreak, more like my brain is overwhelmed. Been awake for two hours and I really don't want to do anything, just stay here.
I know I'm humiliating myself here and that I deserve better and should tell her to go fuck herself for having casual sex and not even trying to hide it when she knows how I feel, but honestly...at this point, I'd rather be with her and be submissive than sit here alone with my meaningless dignity intact.
I wish I hadnt fucked up at work not being loud and outgoing and whatever to make them like me. Its been a month and I'm pretty sure they dont care for me there at all. I can feel the hostility against me probably because I didnt make a good impression on my first week. If I had just talked more and been more friendly/outgoing/whatever I probably would have been more liked. I just dont know how to get into an already established group. How the fuck do you just interject yourself into a place with an established hierarchy/ everyone knows each other without coming across as a dickhole. I just wish I could have done that because it would have been nice instead of staying quiet half the time whjile they all joke with eachother about stuff they do with eachother on their downtime. I dont like insular groups
My life feels so messy right now, I knew for a long time that music is the career path for me, but I met someone a few months ago who really makes me feel like I need to get out there and start releasing music, and I really love this guy. I wanna make music, get big, get enough money for a nice apartment, and have him move in with me. Its all a wild dream, I know, but I already feel like I'm out of time. Whenever the weekend comes, I devote all my time to writing and recording, but I cant produce for shit so I'm always singing over stupid backing tracks and then I dont know what to do when I've finished, I dont know how to get in contact with a producer, but I know how to publicise my work when it's finished, and I have the resources to do things like get it on iTunes, create a music video, and really promote myself hardcore, I do believe in myself, my only issue is creating something I'm happy to release, and I feel like I really am out of time to do that. I want to release a single soon, then an EP later in the year, before I turn 18 at the beginning of October. I fucking hate this feeling, I feel totally overcome with this feeling that I can achieve my goals, and then I spiral downwards and lose all my hope. Its almost 9pm on sunday, my weekend is over, I have to head back to school this week and I havent been studying despite my exams coming up. This year is the only year of school that actually matters so I need to work hard, but I dont even want to go into university anymore, I want to pursue my musical dreams. It sucks, theres so much pressure on me from family, no one seems to fucking take me seriously except this one dude I absolutely love spending all my time with, and he has feelings for me too but doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, theres so much fucking bullshit going on, I just wanna live a carefree life, but I really cant and it's so overwhelming. If I dont pursue my music dreams this year I feel like I'll kill myself
Even though we are together. you seem to be too busy, you don't want me here, so why don't you say it? Saying you care doesn't mean you actually do, because you don't show it. You even told me I should try a new relationship if I am unhappy, why would you think that's a good idea to say that? I just want to share some happiness with you, but you don't seem to understand that at all. I feel like I'm being pushed around for no good reason...this is so toxic...
Why does her birthday have to be on Valentine's Day? Every year I get reminded of how I fucked up and lost the perfect girl. I feel like I've been drowning for the past decade thinking about her. But I know there's no going back to you without looking like a desperate loser. Maybe that's better than living in heartbreak for the rest of my miserable life.
I want you to be happy, but I want to be happy with you as well. I just don't know how to approach this without fucking up again.
>>16804930 "Meaningless dignity act"? You've successfully put another person before yourself, a person who seemingly doesn't give two shits about you. You've shoved the only person who's been by your side your entire life, YOU, in the backseat and you're valuing this bitch above yourself. That's fucked up.
I'm gonna be brutally honest here: she's never going to love you or respect you, because how can you love someone who doesn't love or respect themselves?
To that you're probably going to answer how i'm right but you can't let go of her, you're not strong enough, need her in your life, etc.
You don't. Letting go of someone you like that much isn't easy for anyone, but you do what you fucking have to because you either come out of it a stronger person or you stay and watch yourself detoriate into a submissive pathetic bitch.
Nothing is more alpha than just cutting your losses and moving on, irregardless of how hard it is.
I agree. If a woman told you specifically she planned sex first, it doesn't make sense to not meet you if her feelings are stronger for you. I could have had sex potentially with someone else this weekend but decided not to, even though it's been a long time because I would rather meet the man I'm in love with, so that's what I chose to do
I just want to leave, but I'm trapped in an area that won't afford me even that. I would take out a loan, but I don't know if I could just take out a 5k loan and move somewhere else.
I love my family but I hate this area. They moved here from new York and I respect that but I absolutely cannot take it anymore. The fucking southwest is hell. No jobs that I can get because I'm not bilingual, after 2 years of searching after being forced to drop out of college for financial reasons, I just want to go. Just want to get away.
I'm a little scared, but at the same time I hope I can push myself to get this therapist thing rolling. Ive sat around for so much of my life because of how fucked up my head is, and I'd really like to be able to go get a job and have a couple friends. I should never have let this... whatever it is, ruin me like it did. I wish I knew what it was, that I could at least put a name to whats wrong.
But I'm scared that whatever is wrong isn't identifiable, or cant be helped, that I'll be trapped like this for the rest of my life. I dont want to do this anymore, but I'm so fucked up I cant even push myself to get through this process to even get near someone who might maybe be able to help me.
I told alot of lies, I said alot of things. I wish I hadn't, I didnt even want to be who I was. Its impossible for me to explain, and its no excuse for any of it, its all my fault. I know that. But I still find myself wishing, that maybe someone would've cared enough to notice how bad it was, or hell, that someone had cared at all. My family didnt, my friends were gone once I'd lost my usefulness, but I cant blame any of them for that.
I should've tried harder. I should have found a way to fix this myself. Maybe things would be different if I had. But I couldn't beat it myself, so maybe i deserve what I got.
I don't know what to do. My ex-best friend (moved away after high school and lost contact) is in a really fucked up place right now and she's obviously depressed. She keeps confessing that she still wants to kill herself (she attempted it late last year) and it's obvious the meds and therapy she's getting isn't working. I don't know if I want to be rekindle the friendship (it's complicated) but I certainly don't want her to kill herself or give false hope that I'll always be there for her. I'm literally a bystander as I watch her melt down online and get angrier and deeper in the hole every day. If God is real, please send her some great damn friends that will actually help her get through this..
I dreamt about you again last night. I will see you again next week, and truthfully I don't know how I'm going to handle it. Not a minute goes by where I don't think about you, and it hurts. My only glimmer of hope left in my life, is dependent on me being selfish and hoping you break up with him. I am a shitty person to even contemplate wishing anothers destroyed happiness over my own. I pray to the gods to help me find the strength to carry on over the next week, but I know the moment I see you I will shatter again inside.
I can't decide what to do with my life. I'm at bifurcation and have to decide between two different unis. Two different careers. Two different futures.
This feels very much like the dilemma so beautifully summarized by Sylvia Plath in her book The Bell Jar, where the protagonist talks about the myriad options she has to choose from, but they all fade because she's not willing to let go of any.
Furthermore, close family and friends have been struggling with severe illnesses, in some cases, terminal. I can't calm them down, because I wouldn'tt even know where to start if it were to happen with me.
I feel like this all derives from an inability to deal with my emotions.
Having a relationship would require revealing things about myself I consider deeply shameful. Since I have not had any friends in a long time most of my life is a secret. When I was 16 I knew this as well, but I believed that as I got older i would naturally fix my life
It's not happening. Everyday I drift further apart from the rest of the world. The more time that passes in solitude, the more of a freak I am, unfit for friendship, unfit for love, I'm only surviving because I can contain it all enough to have a job.
I wish I was as handsome, not only because of the attention I'd receive from women(that is not really something important to me) but because I just want to be handsome. I'd love to see myself in the mirror and see a handsome man. If I was really ugly and had a lot of women, that wouldn't really satisfy me. I guess it's not only about women, I'd rather be handsome and have only a few women than be ugly and have all the women I can lay.
I want to tell you how much I need your cum right now. I want to tell you how badly I need to be your little girl. I wish you could spank me again. I need to sit on your face. I want to taste myself on your lips.I wish I could get wrapped up in your arms and fall asleep. I wish I could have your cock deep in my throat again and stare into your eyes while you told me how special I am and how I'm your favorite baby. Instead I just masturbate to get past the pain.
>>16796626 Failed at my job of selling designs online and only made about $250 in a year. Wasted more than that in the process of advertising, etc.
>Cant find any part time jobs around my area of interest, offers me a place but ended up getting rejected or replaced in the end
>Parents were disappointed due to the fact that my girlfriend is more successful than me since i give "no efforts" in the way im living.
>Failed high school end of year exam, cant go to University to make them proud and happy
>Applying a government system that gives me payment per fortnight for the unemployed people, but got rejected after waiting for 2 months where it stated that i will receive the payments on 1st January
>Parents are deep in bills. Supermarket jobs isnt enough
>I feel like a barbed wire noose would fix my uselessness>>668897609 >Failed at my job of selling designs online and only made about $250 in a year. Wasted more than that in the process of advertising, etc.
>Cant find any part time jobs around my area of interest, offers me a place but ended up getting rejected or replaced in the end
>Parents were disappointed due to the fact that my girlfriend is more successful than me since i give "no efforts" in the way im living.
>Failed high school end of year exam, cant go to University to make them proud and happy
>Applying a government system that gives me payment per fortnight for the unemployed people, but got rejected after waiting for 2 months where it stated that i will receive the payments on 1st January
>Parents are deep in bills. Supermarket jobs isnt enough
>I feel like a barbed wire noose would fix my uselessness
You're sitting right in front of me. We just had sex, like you wanted. But once again, I felt nothing. I don't feel that same desire for you that you feel for me and it makes me feel like a terrible person. You say its okay that I don't want anything sexual anymore. I know it's not. I know it's going to just continue to cause problems through our relationship.
Part of me wants to end it because I don't want to keep you from something that you want, but I still do love you. I just can't provide what you need. Plus I know that if I broke it off, it'd kill you. You love me more, I know. I just don't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry that I can't be everything you need, I wish I could. I hate myself for it.
I WANT TO SHOUT FROM THE ROOF TOPS. THIS IS GONNA GET BIG REAL FAST.
I want you to work with me, and you, and you, all of you. I want to build a company where we accomplish great things, make people happy, and contribute something great to the world. all the while I want to revolutionize the dominant thoughts on business and create a business where employees are so much more than numbers. I want to have the backs of my employees and just.... THIS IS SERIOUSLY FUCKING HAPPENING.
I AM ON SUCH AN ADRENALINE HIGH RIGHT NOW.
I'm gonna make it to the top and I want anyone that wants to be a part of this there with me.
we're all going to make it. if I can make it, you can too. I guarantee it. no, stop, that thought right there that I know some of you are having (I was there even just a year ago) stop. you can. you will. strive to do something small to turn it around on a daily basis. keep sight of your goals even when you get in a spot where you can't move directly toward them. you can do it. I'm not saying its going to be easy but someday you'll look back like, "wow, I came from there?"
I am not bullshitting you, I'm not just saying this. some of you hear this type of shit a lot and probably just tune it out as "oh, sure, right, pfft" like I used to. trust me, coming from someone that has been at some of the lowest depths and is now seeing a little light, you can fucking make it. keep going, make it happen, just do it.
get pumped up to take life on and do it. no one can do it for you. no one is going to just magically fix all your problems. you've gotta make it happen.
I can't express enough how much my life has changed and how much I wish I could help more people turn their lives into what they want.
I really wish you all would relocate and not argue for 2-3 hours in the kitchen. I'm hungry. Last time I tried to go in there was an attempt to drag me into the argument and I couldn't even get a bagel.
I hate literally everyone. Even my friends. Even people I love. I'm getting worse and worse. It's so bad. I don't love anyone. Not anymore. Even my parents hurt me physically, so now I want revenge on the world.
I have always had the worst kinks, although they never have involved real life people, or me personally. These kinks, I've observed, generally center around a loss of control, often also tied with humiliation, violent abuse, and rape among other things. I feel like it's a lot of my more negative emotions shunted off somewhere else.
That's not the issue though.
So I roleplay. On an MMO. There's another player with whom my character's interacted with a lot of times, to the point where we are friends both IC and OOC. He's not the most popular guy IC though, because of his character's...unique personality. He's also partially a villain, or at least pretty amoral.
The thing is...I kind of am fantasizing about his character's rape and its aftermath/effects on him and those who know him. It's not as if it wouldn't have happened to him, maybe in an alterante universe. He manipulated two characters in one of his weird experiments and was supposed to have gone to jail over it; even said to me that he would have glided into the jail area himself for the game (we play a sandbox MMO) had he gotten guilty.
It's super awkward because I'll be roleplaying with him, or talking with him OOC, and in the back of my mind sometimes, I'll be thinking about how it would go down.
I don't have any romantic/sexual feelings for the player (who is male) myself, or for the character (I'm female) but thinking about his character being violently raped, broken and scarred turns me on like nothing else.
>>16808140 (2/2) I really, really want to ask the player how his character would react in a situation like that, regarding both event and aftermath. To further fuel my sick fetish fantasies and, (or so I'm arguing with myself) see how he would react to being violated and abused. Or how other people would react, considering the people who were trying to sentence him are generally considered "good" characters. If they sent him to a prison to be raped, would it do anything to how they treated him from then on? Or what would his colleagues do to support him? /If/ they support him? Or maybe he wouldn't "break" at all, and would manipulate people's general responses towards rape victims in order to accomplish his goals. Things like that. I really do want to know.
On the other hand, I also know it's like a...
Well, I personally wouldn't mind someone discussing their fantasies regarding my character with me, as these characters are not "real" people, but for most roleplayers it's probably an extremely disturbing and "180 walk away" kind of issue. It feels awkward and wrong because of that, but I can't stop these dumb fantasies...
Also I always have cavities, it's fucking irritating. I'm 24 but I have like 17 fillings and will probably need a crown and/or root canal for my back molars. I hate losing teeth, but don't know why.
>>16808158 It's archeage, P2W paradise. There's a mechanic where people can sentence others to jail for sfpking, and the jail itself can be broken into/out of. So he was planning on roleplaying living in jail for that period of time he was sentenced--had it actually happened.
And since he's an Elf, who is generally slimmer and more "girly"-looking than the equivalent Nuian man...and since he can be a pretty antagonizing person...and since prison rape is a legitimate issue in many prisons...
Too often I go overboard, and end up in a pit of self-loathing. But tonight is different. Tonight is the sweet spot. Because it envelops me on the inside, like a lover holding me tight under the blankets. I may be cold on the outside, with my limbs and skin still chilled from the air, but deeper within the drink holds me tight. It reminds me of you. And you. And everyone else who gave this same soul-heating warmth.
We're always told to not just be with someone for the purely physical means. It needs to be someone who makes you feel safe and secure and loved. Who warms you up on the inside. And thats what I feel right now.
Alcohol won't lie to me, it wont rip my heart out. It wont leave me with wounds ripped open by your words. She has her problems of her own, but I can control them.
At least thats what I tell myself. For now.
And she'll hold me tight, in this beautiful delicate balance between not feeling and feeling too much. Then maybe - just maybe - I can sleep through the night. Unburdened by dreams, or insomnia, or encroaching heart-wrenching thoughts of you.
I want you to be ablaze like I am ablaze. Maybe I'm asking too much, maybe I'm being too idealistic to want you to love me like you've never loved anyone before. Hopefully you'll grow to want me beyond a lukewarm "like"
I fucking hate my own guts sometimes, and I feel like I make convoluted self-statements to both externalize that and at the same time rationalize the hate and project it elsewhere, usually at a social structure.
Case in point: I have a test tomorrow, a state boards test for nursing. I am a male trying to emigrate to the US and this was the path available to me. About a third of my family are US citizens, but I'm not. This test, if I pass it, can serve for a Visa screen that grants me residency. Problem is: I barely studied for it. I barely made it past the 500 Q mark even though most of my classmates went over 1000 Qs.
And I keep thinking that this is all because I am ugly and no girl will want me to marry me into citizenship. I rationalize this as: because I am ugly and a non-citizen, happiness can't come my way, ever.
I tell this line, paraphrased, to other people who often don't know how to react to it and use that BS PC culture to try to sort of softly self-flagellate into accepting my grievances and agree with me, which gives me a form of pleasure that gets me by for some hours. Then I talk myself into doing things, then I loose interest and play tons of videogames, which is a time-waster of massive reach that cuts into my studytime.
I fucking hate this vicious circle of shit and I love blaming the US immigration system, republicans, and any middle-right ground political person or conservatard that dares opinionate themselves even a small tad against me, and because of that PC culture I win arguments. This in turn makes me want to NOT pass the exam and have to re-take it only to be able to keep finding myself in this ideological/sociopolitical situation I'm in now. It's convoluted and fucked up.
Lately I think about trying meth and finding a prostitute to have sex like on a semi-regular basis.
Holy shit! This is wat I needed: the reminder that there's assholes out there that deserve me rubbing my future Green Card on their e-face! I can take the exam at least 4 more times b4 that bigot even sets foot in the white house!
I ruined my own fucking Valentine's Day because I couldn't keep my stupid fucking mouth shut.
I spent last year's alone and miserable because he wasn't here to spend it with me, because he left. And then when he finally is here and I'm stupid enough to believe that maybe he wanted to make up for missing last year, and you know, to maybe spend time with me (without the expectation of sex, as fucking always), I fucking ruin it.
I shouldn't have ever said anything. I should've just pushed all my massive worries and insecurities to the back of my mind, like I always fucking do, so I wouldn't have made him mad and so I wouldn't have ruined what I was so badly hoping was going to be a good night.
Yet, once again, I just couldn't fucking stop myself from speaking and from asking questions because there's now no doubt in my mind that he never wants to see me again, ever.
And once again, of course, he left me in a complete wreck. How pathetic I would've looked walking down the fucking highway bawling my goddamn eyes out. It's not like he gave a fuck though, he abandoned me (again) and I deserve it.
I just wanted to have a good night and I fucking ruined it, like I always do. Now he fucking hates me. But at least he got laid, right? That's the only good thing he'll take out of last night, I guarantee it.
I'm still so worried about him, real or not, whatever the fuck happened scared the fuck out of me. But I got to hold him in my arms and I got to calm him down and make him feel better and make sure that he was safe, with me. I don't even care if I'm pathetic for missing everything about holding him, but I loved doing it. If he wants to take anything positive from last night (doubtful, and if it even is positive to him), I hope to god it was what I was trying to say when he was in my arms. And I hope so fucking much that he at least felt a fraction of what I feel.
I fucking hate myself. He probably regrets being with me and he definitely regrets ever fucking meeting me.
I just want him to love me and to let me love him. But he doesn't. He never did, and he most certainly never will.
I'm a worthless piece of shit, why the fuck am I even alive.
>>16808549 I brought up shit from the past and shit that could've and should've been saved for any other day but vday. But I was a tiny bit drunk and I stupidly thought last night was the one and only night I'd actually get some answers.
I stupidly let my insecurities derived from him win, instead of just enjoying our time together, and we ended up fighting, and I ended up ruining everything, again and as always.
It's my own pathetic fault. It's also just another reason I can add to the list of why I'm broken and unlovable.
>>16808320 Thanks m8. I had a heart to heart with my boyfriend, and he gave me support to encourage me to eat in the morning. I drank three juice boxes tonight, which sounds pathetic, but my body aches a bit less so I'm calling it a win.
They're always in the fucking kitchen! The entire goddamn day, just washing dishes and cooking things. And if I'm particularly lucky, they're also jammering on about things or playing their shitty music loud enough so we both can hear it.
I'm seriously fucking tired of these people using the kitchen 24/7. I barely use the fucking kitchen (partly because it's always fucking occupied), but my room is across from it. Can't we just trade rooms or something?
Christ, at least they're not whining about my dishes sitting on the counter anymore, now that it's constantly occupied by their own crap.
Oh my heart, I didn't think I could be this miserable over someone I never even dated. Is it because I fear I've lost my chance? Or what? I've started in on the crying again today, and I've resolved to end things with my boyfriend thing. I can't take anymore.
I'd rather have my legs broken than go through this all over again... And again... Because at least I know my legs would eventually heal. Will my heart ever heal??
So while looking for a puncher to punch holes on my college notes in the room where my mom usually does her chores, I found a few pieces of ripped papers with handwriting that seem to belong to my dad.
My dad was accused by my mom for cheating before, was skeptical last time, but seemed like my mom wasn't actually wrong about it. I don't like conflicts in family. I've been trying to pretend it never happened and just enjoy my life as a young adult.
My curiosity got the better of me and I went ahead and read what were written on the pieces of paper. It's hard to make out what was it about without proper context, but I'm not retarded enough to not know it's a love letter judging by the choice of words.
Needless to say, I was disgusted. I feel awful that my mom has to put up with this and pretend that nothing has happened in order to not cause matters become worse. My dad can be rather hostile when he is confronted.
All I wanted to do, was just punch holes on some pieces of fucking paper, not this crap, seriously. I fucking hate this. Now excuse me while I pretend nothing has happened again and just go back to watching anime and playing video games.
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