I need to confront my boyfriend about the fact that he has overall been unreliable in the relationship. I bring up an issue, he acknowledges the issue and says things will change. But in action they don't always change.
I am scared he won't listen and think I'm just nagging and will break up with me. I don't want him to because I think we can fix this, but if he won't listen its for the better if things end.
What is a good way to explain this to him?
The sad thing is that next time I see him is Valentines day and we have plans to spend all day together but now I'm having second thoughts about whether its going to work out.
Any advice to help me save this relationship would help...
you enjoy him, so why not just spend valentines having fun and enjoying what might be your last hurrah.
then next time you see him, say it was special and you want to maintain that, but your doubts are getting in the way. go over the doubts, and propose SOMETHING. we here at /adv/ dont know in what ways he is unreliable, so dont know how to tell you to go about fixing it tho.
a general rule would be setting up a sort of code word. when you say that code word, it implies that he is being unreliable and this is the sort of thing you need him to cave on.
You tried communicating already. What you need to confront is the reality that, after asking for something and not getting it in a reasonable time scale, you fucking walk away.
Allow to me to illustrate. Having told you to leave him, I'm going to give you the opportunity to come around. But you won't. You'll argue that you need to stay with him. And I'll be long gone from your thread because I put my money where my mouth is. You'll see for yourself how well that works out for me and how well insistence (doesn't) work out for you. Proof is in the pudding.
...why use a code word? Why not just say "I really need your help on this because..."
OP, in what ways is he unreliable? Do you mean he's flaking on dates, doesn't help out at home, nails on you when you need something?
Thanks.. I want to spend valentines day with him I just hope I can keep down the negative feelings and focus on the good.
One of the main things is that he often pushes sex in a different direction than I want it. For example
>state I don't want to do intercourse until we both cum first
>during sex he pushes us into doing intercourse instead of focusing on foreplay like I ask him to
>tell him I want to cum first during sex from now on
>still directs the focus of sex onto him coming first in the moment
Its killing me that he does this.
>why use a code word
>why not just tell him whats wrong
cuz thats not working. it becomes a generic argument.
but if OPs bf sits down and says 'i want to be more reliable from now on, and i need to be held to that', then a code word takes a random argument and turns it into a wake up call.
>Anon, can you pick up the dry cleaning today like you said you would?
>idk im kinda busy...
>lama-balls anon. lama balls.
its what makes him realize what instances tie back to what OP means. it clarifies for him whats important and whats not. it lets him see exactly where he is slipping up with one easy word.
>i dont want to do intercourse until we both cum first
why would he want to intercourse you after hes cum? i get why you would cuz ur a lady, but once he cums he wont want to intercourse.
>i want to cum first
is this you actually wanting to cum first, or is the issue that he wont see it through after he does cum?
>is this you actually wanting to cum first, or is the issue that he wont see it through after he does cum?
He often doesn't see it though which is why I said it would make me feel more secure if we start with me.
No its not rape but he kind of just discards what I had said previously. Yes I know I consent to it but afterwards I think about the fact that things didn't go the way we said they would. It would be helpful if he was more on my side.
right... but ur just letting it happen. i know its not as sensual having to tell him what to do as its happening, but to start you off you kind of have to. you cant just NOT tell him when hes doing it wrong and expect him to change. you are putting up no resistance. worse comes to worse, use the code word, but its not a big deal to say
>ayy boy, eat me out more
if he says 'no' then say 'sorry, no intercourse for you then'
you cant wait til after the fact any more. that obviously doesnt owrk