I've been having this problem for a long time.
I'm a relatively attractive man. Enough so that I'll occasionally get approached by attractive women. Being an introvert I would say that in the vast majority of encounters I'm the one being approached. If I'm not too awkward about it then I get a chance to take her home.
But the big problem is in the bedroom.
I can't get it up.
It's been like this for years and it seems to be only getting worse. At this point I never ever find myself getting an erection when there are any other people around. When a girl tries to have sex with me it's always very embarrassing and I have to come up with excuses to stop seeing them. Since I have no chance of having a healthy relationship, I've retreated further from people and become increasingly depressed, but I still sometimes meet pretty girls that I just can't say no to and every time it ends in failure it just adds to my anxiety and self-loathing.
People would probably assume at that point that I'm gay (lots of girls do after they're disappointed) but I'm not. I was desperate enough to "try" guys last year and it was awful.
Recently the universe seems to want to push me even further; I finally got a decent paying job, but as a DJ at a strip club. I've already been approached by several girls there and it's obvious where things are headed.
I don't know what to do. I'm not even sure why it happens. I can get a boner and fap fine when I'm alone, with or without porn. But if I'm not alone it just doesn't happen. I get social anxiety and it's particularly bad around women, especially when they flirt. I don't have a doctor or medical insurance and haven't for a few years so I don't know if I "really" have social anxiety, but I can't really think of anything else that fits.
What can I do? I'm desperate, /adv/. I feel like this problem is ruining my life.
Are you having sex for her pleasure or yours? Which do you prioritize?
Hers. A few years ago I would say mine or both but at this point I'm just desperately trying to pleasure the girl to make up for my impotence. It never works though. They always expect dick in the end
Sometimes I can pull off being smooth and alpha but my mindset is so fucked up from all the failure that as soon as it looks like shit is gonna happen I start to feel anxious about it. I keep calm on the surface but my dick knows how I really feel
Ugh I hate people like you pussy falls into your lap you work as a DJ at a fucking strip club yet you bitch and moan about your anxieties. I'd fucking kill for the life you got. I haven't gotten laid in year and probably wont ever again yet you're drowning in it and complaining.
I get it, I need to appreciate what I get. But I haven't gotten hard enough to get it in in three years thanks to my problem and even then I went soft less than a minute after. Do you really think you'd want my life?
Well first thing's first:
See a doctor.
Then be honest. With the doctor. With yourself. How much porn do you watch, how often do you jerk it, etc. Porn addiction and/or its side effects are pretty easy to slip into these days.
You say your boner works when you jerk it and you've obviously gotten with girls before, but was there a dry spell when your anxiety worsened? First time or two might be an accident or some other underlying issue but porn dependency and too much masturbation might make your penis unresponsive to shit that ain't your hand. Kind of a weird Pavlovian thing.
Let me clarify somewhat.
I have only entered a girl once. Three years ago. I think it might have been because I was out of her league and I wasn't really aware of my problem, so there wasn't a lot of anxiety compared to how it is now. Though she was my first lay, I didn't tell her and she assumed I wasn't. I only had one real girlfriend before her, and the first girl wasn't ready for sex so it never came up (that being my most "successful" relationship). Since I was far, far more introverted growing up and until after I graduated HS I didn't socialize much until more recently (I'm 22).
I didn't really realize my problem until a year later when I started dating this gorgeous girl I really had it bad for. For the 6 or so weeks that we were together I never watched porn or even masturbated. I remember waking up next to her, hard as fuck, then right before we were about to put it in I lost my hardon. She broke up with me after six weeks of not being able to do it, and that's when I began to realize I might have a problem. Since then I've been in no real relationships, since every girl seems to want to get right to bed after hanging out once or twice and that's when things go to shit.
I'm not sure about the porn addiction. I suspected that it was the source of my problems with the girl I dated last, and that's why I avoided it for the whole time I was with her, but it didn't seem to help. I haven't been to a doctor since before I turned 18. I don't even know how to get one since my parents always took care of that and they died. How expensive would it be to see a doctor without insurance?
Look up a few in your area doing private practice and call them to ask. I think my last few uninsured visits were $100-200 range. But just set aside some cash, you won't go into debt over a physical.
Now if you follow that up with treatment your mileage may vary.
I guess it couldn't hurt to try. Simply knowing what my problem is would be worth the cost of a visit.
I'm not sure I could find a girl trustworthy and empathetic enough to not just laugh, call me gay, and tell all of her friends