Advice for women on living in a "swimsuit edition" world?
I saw that phrase in a relationship book, advising men how hard it can be for wife (or gf) to live in a swimsuit edition world where there are scantily clad women and porn everywhere.
I know a few things:
A) not all men actually like the "type" shown on TV and magazines. Preferences vary widely and I see men fall hard for girls that look nothing like your typical starlet
B) I know many of these girls are complete whores and filthy and that turns guys off. I also once overheard a friend saying there are two types of girls: natural beauties and the girls that use makeup tricks to make themselves look like different people. He said when you go home with the latter you wake up and freak out when you see a different person in your bed the next am, with the first kind you wake up and your gonna grow. In the end, its the natural beauties you keep.
Now I have always been told that I am a natural beauty and I never had trouble getting male attention ever. I made long lasting relationships in whih I explored my sexuality.
I have a reputation for being a "tantric master" but not a slut. I also pursued academics and so although I try to take care of my dress and appearance I never had hours to spend learning facial contouring or any of these weird makeup tricks.
Now all through my life up until about 27 I felt great. I knew I was attractive, fun and funny, smart, great in bed, and sporty. I could be your best friend and best lover.
Then I spent a few months living in Oakland and my world shattered. All the girls were cookie cutters and whores and acted like idiots. I still had plenty of male attraction but women actively tore me down for not overtweezing my eyebrows or wearing my hair a certain way.
I havent really recovered.
I dont feel safe and secure.
I also see that as I get towards my 30s men give less and less care to cool girls or fun girls or smart girls and just want some arm candy with no personality.
I apologize for the post being so long but I would love to hear men weigh in.
Also-- I am a white girl, blond and blue eyes. But now I see a lot of white men talking about how "exotics" are so desirable. It makes me feel insecure. Are there still white men that love white women?
> inb4 white girls get married and get fat
So do most hispanic women and filipinos
This whole perspective seems to view relationships through the lens of "the other person's needs matter most." How about you take the same advice I give guys: figure out your needs first and do the best you can to meet them on your own. Save relationships for sharing the fruits of that labor with someone else. As for the personal details, be as good as you can for your own sake. You get to decide what "good" means.
I don't want to date someone whose entire life is feeling responsible for what I want. That's my job and I do it just fine already. That also includes my own ability to look for and find what I'm after. It's not your job to accommodate me. Figure out your own shit and I'll let you know if that suits my lifestyle.
No I am not saying how do I become this kind of woman.
In a relationship,
You still watch TV, look at magazines, walk by women.
And a lot of these women dress and make up with the intention of giving a man a boner.
As a woman, how do you deal with this without feeling insecure?
He answered you in his first reply. Worry about you, not others or there opinion of you. You should be validating your self worth not fake bitches who have the lowest self esteem of anyone
The "this kind of woman" we're talking about has two problems. The first one is that she's obsessed with the existence of swimsuit models. The second problem is that she's obsessed with the needs of potential suitors in her life. I understand that you're already getting over the first part; even though you acknowledge the existence of these women, you're against the idea of becoming one of them. Great.
Now I want to tackle the other problem. Stop giving so much of a fuck about what men want. I don't want a mom. You're not my mom. It's not your job to care about what I want, what I stare at, what I drool over, etc. Okay? You're an adult. Set your own standards, decide what makes you happy and live your life accordingly. Become a well-adjusted, satisfied, accomplished adult human being. Accomplishing that is how you transcend this "swimsuit edition" world. It's how you get over the insecurity. You feel insecure because you're paying too much attention to the feelings of human beings who aren't even of the same gender as you. Stop it.
Seriously, do you think I live my life according to the "rich CEO world" where there are wealthy men everywhere? Do you think I set my self-esteem according to the possibility that a woman can walk into a club and meet a guy with more money? If I acted like that kind of guy, no girl would ever fucking go near me. I'd be a disgusting obsessive wreck. I got over it by
1) accepting that it's not my job to be a certain kind of man just to impress a certain kind of woman, and
2) finding security in a lifestyle which measures success according to my own standards.
This is because women don't want an overprotective, subservient daddy who buys the happiness of their little princess. They want grown-ass men. So in the same vein, stop obsessing over men's judgments and experiences. Be a grown-ass woman.
>Then I spent a few months living in Oakland and my world shattered. All the girls were cookie cutters and whores and acted like idiots. I still had plenty of male attraction but women actively tore me down for not overtweezing my eyebrows or wearing my hair a certain way.
>I havent really recovered.
>I dont feel safe and secure.
>I also see that as I get towards my 30s men give less and less care to cool girls or fun girls or smart girls and just want some arm candy with no personality.
I think you've developed female competitive anxiety extremely late in life; probably because you're such a natural beauty you've never had to deal with it before until you went into a culture that was extremely competitive and aggressive in a direct way. Most women have dealt with this all of their life and so are used to it/have coping mechanisms that you, as a newborn babe, do not. Let me point out two things to you:
1. You'll notice that it was other women, NOT men who were upset by you.
2. Why do you care what your competition thinks?
The real answer to "living in a swimsuit world" is learning humility. Competition - in any arena, whether attracting men or competing in the olympic games - gets higher and higher the further up you go. Running track in high school takes work, but nothing compared to running track in the olympics. When you're in a place where the standard of competition is much higher, your life becomes worse. The athletes that succeed are the ones that stay humble, focus not on their competition but on improving themselves, and who learn to enjoy the ride. Lots of women have unhealthy ways of dealing with competitive stress, (like say, becoming the type to tear down other women who don't conform) but you should try and avoid them. Be humble, stop caring about what others think, and enjoy what you have in life. It sounds like you actually have a hell of a lot more going for you than most, so there's no reason to be insecure.
Im in a relationship of 5 years so it isnt a potential suitor.
But I don't like seeing my man get turned on by some
Young ass or something.
Like this is some fact of life women are supposed to get used to?
That was helpful.
I had no idea most women experienced this their whole life.
It was the most shocking, distressing thing to me. I went from a hippie college to a great academic program and have always been around women who were more secure I guess. I didn't know the world was a giant competition until Oakland and it was traumatic to be a part of it.
The athelete analogy makes sense
This is a fact of life which adults are supposed to get used to.
If you keep this shit up, I worry that your 5 year relationship is not going to see year #6. I don't know how else to get through to you, and the core message seems to be the same from everyone else who has replied. You've got some kind of obsession with the needs of others and you're panicking (as >>16784041 said) under the realization that you're not the sole woman on the planet who can meet those needs.
>women have always rejected me immediately and I have never even known love
>I don't like seeing women I have crushes on get turned on by all these guys with muscles or fancy cars
>like is this some fact of life men are supposed to get used to?
Yes, it's a fact of life. You've been *amazingly* sheltered, it seems. People like what I just greentexted are the ones that get caught up in their own insecurities and sabotage themselves, and you need to avoid doing that because it's a trap. You are your own trap here, not that young ass walking around. The real fact is anyone you ever be with may possibly leave you over some nice ass, or they may die in a car crash tomorrow. There is literally no security in anyone, ever. The trick is to be strong enough in yourself to weather whatever life comes at you with.
men experience it too, mind you. You'll find it in almost all of the lovelorn virgins who come on /adv/ wondering, distressing, pleading for answers as to what's wrong with them, that they can't compete with "Chad" for women, and get treated with the fairer sex with scorn and derision.
One thing you can learn out of this experience is understanding and humility for the less-fortunate (particularly here: angry loser men) and their experience in life.
people also like to sell books
honestly - live life as you please - as long as it doesnt hurt you or anyone else
go wander into bars or clubs and it is like wandering into a filthy watering hole in the Serengeti during the dry season - all the cows come around, all the gazelles and all the mating pairs but also all the hyenas, lions and big cats come out looking for a kill
if you live life the way you choose, do the things you want with the people you like, eventually you will find like minded people who dont care what you look like but instead value the same things you like and love
Well to be honest in this relationship it is the first time I have ever sensed my partner being attracted to other women.
He cheated on me when we were in California, so maybe I cant get over that.
In past relationships we could
Both admire a beautiful woman but I never felt a competiveness and I never felt a desire to leave me for that woman.
With current partner I feel he is weak and constantly being strongly attracted to anything that looks like stereotypical ideal
>story about Dave Smith
welcome to real life for men.
Still, you're confused. This is explaining the existence of insecurity - NOT justifying the feeling. The feeling is still wrong and unhealthy.
>He cheated on me
>I feel he is weak and constantly being strongly attracted to anything that looks like stereotypical ideal
DTMFA. There's your problem, not this competition bullshit. It's fine and natural to be attracted to others, but non-consensual affairs destroy trust completely and are relationship breakers. The stupid herd mentality towards stereotypical ideals is just icing on the "retard" cake.
>He cheated on me when we were in California, so maybe I cant get over that.
This is absolutely your problem. When I first started my current relationship I was very insecure about my boyfriend being attracted to other women, but as I grew to trust him these insecurities naturally evaporated. I think that's pretty typical, and the opposite happened in your relationship. Please kick him to the curb. No guy is worth feeling so insecure.
I think he may be abusive.
When we first met he would constantly put me down and make me feel ugly. I look back on photos and I was extremely attractive so now I understand it was lies.
But I guess I was the good girl and I fell for a bad boy and I thought I was strong enough. And even then, I was not insecure or jealous. I thought he was immature. But once he cheated on me it shattered my world and I developed an obsession with the way I look, especially my hair.
When he yells at me I feel like my hair will become ugly and no one will ever love me and I am too scared to leave.
Now writing it out I see it sounds completely insane but these feelings are so strong that I feel helpless against them.
Related to another thread - he is very short and I think deep down he is very insecure so he has brainwashed me to be a nervous wreck. I am petite and he is only an inch or two taller than me
The weirdest part is the girl he cheated on me with was very overweight but she was hispanic and i guess had decent hair.
But he always threatens if we break up he will send me photos of him with supermodel types. He used to do a lot of coke so I guess coke whores?
Just to emphasise on what's been said to OP already, you really do just need to worry about you. But if you are having a crisis over who gets attention, try think about it like this:
You see one of these women get attention from a guy.
From that observation alone, you should realise that the kind of men that are attracted to these kinds of women are not the right men for you.
You sound like an intelligent lady, so on some level, I'm sure you realise this. You've also placed emphasis on Oakland as the environment where this mindset came up. Try to remember that your social setting can affect you like that. If it's such a big deal, maybe leave Oakland, or branch out.
But above all else, don't take notice of who is going for who, and instead focus on yourself. You will get the right guy's attention and if you feel he is for you, he will get yours.
the girls in Oakland were jealous because you're hot without having to work your ass off for it, and because you weren't part of their in-group, just like in middle school. insecure and competitive women will talk shit. maybe you've spent your life around chiller people?
you're worried because you're aging and your natural beauty will eventually diminish. at 27 you're still young. enjoy your life as you prefer, always improve yourself (this should be a lifetime directive unrelated to your looks or age), and don't worry so much about people's opinions because they are never unbiased. people will always talk shit and engage in posturing, even small animals interact in these ways. like you said, they were trying to tear you down because they wanted you beneath them. that doesn't mean you are, or have to be, lesser. it's just what they want which is no concern of yours unless you let it be. put it out of your mind and move on.
stop reading women's magazines. yeah some guys want specific things in a gf/arm candy but the men I know who really love their gf/wife married women who have their own lives, interests, and talents and are wonderful individuals whom they enjoy spending time with. yes plenty of men are still interested in white women. (???)
I have a great relationship with my wife because she's not a brainless histrionic whore and we have hobbies and interests in common. she's smart and talented and has values I respect (hard-working, compassionate, skeptical, etc). she doesn't 100% match what I find attractive but she's cute enough and after all the crazy bitches I dated in my 20's I'd rather be with someone I enjoy having around and who enjoys having me around. otherwise you get sick of each other and shit breaks down messily
tl;dr - don't become a white trophy wife unless you want to be with someone who wants a white trophy wife
Yes, i agree.
Just to be clear I am in a relationship so I am not wondering "why are other girls getting attention and I am not?"
I guEss my real question was:
To all the men out there in relationships with beautiful girls that dont need/wear a lot of makeup or dress slutty, how do you feel about slutty dressing girls that cake on makeup? Are you into them on a deep level? Do they giv you boners?
textbook abusive, actually. DTMFA = dump the motherfucker already
I've been dating a gorgeous woman for two years and when we first started dating she did the typical slather on the makeup. But I fucking hate it. She looks better at 6am in the morning with frazzled hair and bags under her eyes and shabby, worn pajama pants than she ever does with all the beauty crap on. I'm not attracted to the clothes, or the signals of status and beauty; I'm attracted to the person underneath all of that. She looks good with makeup on and nice clothes and all that; she's genuinely a bombshell. But I see right through it; it's unnecessary to me. She's stopped wearing makeup so often, thank god (since she takes forever to get ready to go anywhere)
Honestly all of that stuff is just deeply irrelevant to whether I'm attracted to someone or not.
Your problem is other women telling you you need that stuff to compete.