First time posting in /adv/ so I don't really know how this board works but (pic 1/2)
Can someone tell me if she's right and I was being an asshole?
I was up all last night having an amazing conversation with her and telling each other our life stories just for us to stop talking because of this
She said I was trying to change her because I don't like when people flirt with others when they're in a relationship
I agree that flirting with other guys while in a relationship is not okay, but the 'have a nice life' was snarky and unnecessary and it's obvious you're lying when you said you meant it. Honestly, your tone overall is very hostile, right from the 'please respond' text to the carrying on the conversation about this topic when she obviously didn't take kindly to what you said. You should have left it at that first text in that series of three in a row in the first screencap. You're coming across as very butthurt but still trying to save face and come out as righteous and the 'winner'
It's sorta douchy. I mean if you come to a disagreement with someone and then after that write "have a nice life" then you're sort of saying "good riddance and fuck of let's be done with this shit since I have literally zero effort to continue with this conversation."
If you would be in person then you could probably pull it off in a nice way, there's no doubt about that. But it gets tricker by text and I can see why she's pissed.
Once again when talking via texts it's harder to read in the intended tone so depending on how you've written she may think that you are trying to change her. Though it's her responsibility as well to not instantly assume things, it's hard to judge without the entire convo. But it could basically be 50/50 or just her assuming to much. You'll have to be judge of that since you're the only one here with the entire convo and i doubt she's gonna find this thread.
But I honestly did mean it. I was really upset about it but she spent all night telling me how she hated her life and all these things she wanted to change. I really do want her to be happy
I know I come off mean but I really do care. I don't want to be a winner but I just don't know how to get across how I feel.
Well even if you did mean it, it's one of those phrases that sounds sarcastic even when it's not. Like I said, you should have left it after that first text, she obviously wasn't interested in addressing it, and you got your point across. You both knew that whatever it is that you two had was not going to continue, so there was no point in trying to prompt a reply, let alone an essay
Well for Context I met her on tinder and we spent a couple days talking 24/7
Before those texts she sent me her tumblr and in her bio it said "my heart belongs to chase" so I sent her that
I said have a nice life because she ignored me out of no where. I assumed she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I know now that it came off wrong but I really just wanted to tell her I cared
i have alot of friends and a handful of very close ones
i just come off as being an ass when i try to be sincere. when im face to face with someone i speak with my tone and my body language, i guess it doesnt come across very well when i text
Here is your issue. What you said was correct, but you said it with no balls. You tiptoed around, trying not to offend. Girls like this smell weakness like that, and then they pounce on it like she did with their "feminine power!!!" strawman bullshit. You come across as a pushover in text.
Next time this scenario occurs, don't pussyfoot around. Just straight up say you had a fun chat but you want to leave it there. Don't bother giving big reasons or explanations, and whatever you do stop appearing so weak. Your texts scream that you will bend every time a girl gets mad and be grovelling for an apology.
You made your expectations clear, there's nothing wrong with that. It's reasonable to not want to get serious with someone who is flirting with others. However, as others have said, you tiptoed around it and came off as spineless and condescending.
>Get into relationship with girl
>Uh...Uh...h-h-hey. Now that we're together, do you think that perhaps you could maybe stop swallowing Chase's load right before we hang out? I don't wanna be pushy.
exactly i was trying to set up some personal boundaries but i was trying to make it sound nice enough that she didnt think i was a prick
i dont understand how i can say something and make it sound spineless and like im a controlling asshole
Agreed. OPs behavior was overly possessive, and any women would see that as a red flag. For fucks sake, they haven't even been on a date yet.
OP, imagine instead, that this girl started telling him what type of platonic interactions she would and would not permit him to engage in.
And to all of the people who are calling the girl in this conversation retarded, or saying that they wouldn't stand for a girlfriend to have this sort of a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, y'all are fucking retarded and insecure. Jesus.
Dude, if for some reason you're not ok with her having that sort of a friendship with someone of the other sex, stop fucking talking to her. Don't try to force her to conform to your ideals. That's a recipe for disaster, I promise you.
I agree with your last paragraph, but I don't think it's unreasonable to say "hey, you do XYZ, I'm not cool with dating a girl who does XYZ, let's call it a day and go our separate ways". If she was talking about platonic interactions then it might be a different story, but here she was specifically talking talking about flirting with another guy. I don't think it's controlling at all in this context - no one wants to date someone who's flirting with other people.
The problem is the manner in which OP went about saying this. He seems to be trying to come out on top or trying to make himself feel superior to this girl, hence him trying to prompt a response out of her when he knew she was no longer interested.
I disagree with you that flirting is cheating, but that doesn't really matter.
I guess I really don't see the point in telling her that you feel that way though. She's not going to break off a friendship for some dude she met on Tinder. It sounds like you two would be pretty incompatible, so I'd just drop it and move on, if I were you.
No, he didn't. He stated what works for him. When people are talking to each other, they are talking about what they like/dislike. He's very much entitled to state that he wouldn't date someone who flirts while in relationships. Sounds like you made the same erroneous assumption the girl made about op trying to enforce these things.
Person A: I don't like sex in a relationship.
Person B: I couldn't be without sex in a relationship
You: Person B! Stop trying to "LAY DOWN THE LAWWWW"
You kept trying to get her to respond. Unless you're autistic, you KNEW that she wasn't going to, and yet you kept trying. I don't know if you're an asshole or not, but you certainly are an idiot of the highest degree
I can't say whether she is or isn't in this instance, but making that assumption right off the bat is bullshit. I've had friendships with women like this before, with no interest on either end to progress things further. In fact, I'd consider it a red flag if someone wasn't able to maintain a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. But that's just me.
ive already dropped it but i wanted to post here just to see what i did wrong and know i know
and i didnt expect her to break off anything i just wanted to see if she would continue flirting if we were to date
You can have the conversation about monogamy and flirting at the time you decide you both wanna be in a relationship. Before then it's pushy, controlling and creepy.
"I dont wanna be a dick but if we do ever start dating you're gonna have to stop flirting with your friends...oh and I'd find you hotter if you cut your hair... and I noticed you dressed kinda slutty in some of your fb photos and that would need to stop. Just giving you a heads up."
>He seems to be trying to come out on top or trying to make himself feel superior to this girl,
im really not though
i was trying to put in extra effort to seem like i was taking into consideration what she thought.
i was trying to emphasize that were equals
>Before then it's pushy, controlling and creepy.
You're the one making imaginary lines into what people can and cannot talk about before entering into a relationship, yet other people are controlling?
Where is this rule that you can't talk about things such as flirting while in a relationship? Show me where it is? Or is that just you, making shit up in your head?
Yeah, ok, I guess I can agree with you there. I probably would just end the conversation, personally, but I suppose I can respect someone being that upfront about something like that. I still feel like his approach was a bit possessive though.
i knew she wasnt going to respond but i hate when people ignore things instead of discussing them. it leaves zero closure and i wouldnt be happy knowing i left the situation without saying anything
It's not what he said, it's how he said it. To use your example, I wouldn't even enter into a relationship with someone who was asexual, because that would be a deal breaker for me. But I certainly wouldn't try to force them to adapt.
Okay sure. Whatever you say buddy. But don't pretend you don't know what message or tone "have a nice life" conveys. There was some hostility in your message, whether it was intentional or not, and you need to accept that
Ok, that makes sense I guess, although I might have waited until after a first date to have that sort of a conversation. Because who knows? She might lose interest in flirting with Chase when she enters into a relationship with someone. For all we know, she could feel the same way about flirting while in a relationship, but your approach turned her off.
I personally feel like something like that is just one of those things that you need to toe in to the water and feel out. Do you get what I'm saying?
>>16780580 Where is this rule that you can't talk about things such as flirting while in a relationship?
You didn't just talk to her about flirting, you strongly implied that you were only talking to her because you were looking for a relationship and that it wouldn't happen if she didn't change her behaviour,
You got so far ahead of yourself. If you can't see why your behaviour was weird and off putting, I can't help you.
i get it, i just didnt want to commit to someone if she was going to continue flirting with other guys and i was trying to make that clear before hand
i just couldnt date anyone who had "my heart belongs to chase" on her tumblr profile without making it clear i wasnt into that kind of thing
>You didn't just talk to her about flirting, you strongly implied that you were only talking to her because you were looking for a relationship and that it wouldn't happen if she didn't change her behaviour,
I'm not OP. OP might not have correctly worded it, as I said earlier, but he didn't imply anything. Thats your assumption thats what was meant. In fact, asking "if thats okay with you" is an indicator that they weren't making a default demand. You don't demand something and then ask someone if its okay. But you seem in a rush to use buzzwords here.
I'm already in agreement that he didn't say it correctly. I disagree about the forcing though.
But going on a first date isn't that much of a commitment. You two were going through the fun, flirty, 'getting to know you' bit, so when you say something like that, regardless of how you meant it, it comes across as possessive and demanding.
If this sort of situation, or something similar, pops up for you again, I'd really recommend just going on a first date with the person. You're not committing to anything other than spending an evening with the person. You'll be able to get a much better feel of that persons maturity level in person, and you should be able to establish whether or not there's a glaring incompatibility between the two of you pretty quick. I went on a tinder binge this past summer, and I can safely say that I knew within the first ten minutes whether or not I was interested in going on a second date with the person I was with.
Now you might get a month or two in to seeing someone before another irreconcilable issue pops up, but that's life man, just roll with it.
going on a date wasnt an option, when we first talked we realized i was in new york and she was in canada, we decided early on that we were going to try and do the long distance thing together. thats why i was trying to say that over text.
> it comes across as possessive and demanding.
No, you come across as buzzwordy. I'm 28. From my experience, there is no set rule to getting to know someone.
You are trying to tell someone how to date from your preferred style. Just for reference, I've had conversations with girls from online like hypothetical "what do you think about flirting/hanging around the opposite sex in a one on one scenario" to see if our views align. Who I've then gone on to date.
Your "one rule fits all" style is incorrect. Next you'll be telling me the guy has to pay or he'll come across as cheap and he'll need to buy roses or he'll come across as unromantic. Key point I'm trying to press here: stop trying to label people buzzwords because they don't fit into your tickbox of what you would like to date.
>> In fact, asking "if thats okay with you" is an indicator that....
Mate, look at the timestamp between those two messages. He sent that "if its okay with you" message after she stopped replying to him.
I dont know why Im even bothering because all OP does is lie to himself. He lies about the initial shitty comment, then lies about his snarky "have a nice life" nonsense.
Wow, you're making a lot of assumptions about me based on that one comment I made.
I stand by it though. I'd be willing to bet that the majority of women would find what he said to be a bit off putting. I never said that you need to do everything my way. I am saying that you don't want to put up red flags this early on, and most people I know would consider that sort of statement to be a red flag.
im not lying
you dont have to believe me
i dont expect you to
but dont fucking put words in my mouth
dont act like you know me at all
and dont pretend like you have any idea about how i feel or what my intentions were
youre not a fucking mind reader
youre not a psychologist
youre an idiot on an imageboard just like the rest of us
>I've had conversations with girls from online like hypothetical "what do you think about flirting/hanging around the opposite sex in a one on one scenario" to see if our views align.
This wasnt a hypothetical discussion! You literally said to her "I dont want you flirting with your friend, I wont tolerate it in a relationship, and a relationship is the only reason Im talking to you"
Then she ignored you for 15 minutes, you realised you came across creepy and pushy so you tried to soften it with a "... if that's OK with you"
>Wow, you're making a lot of assumptions about me based on that one comment I made.
Just like you did to OP.
>I stand by it though. I'd be willing to bet that the majority of women would find what he said to be a bit off putting. I never said that you need to do everything my way. I am saying that you don't want to put up red flags this early on, and most people I know would consider that sort of statement to be a red flag.
Majority of women are whores who flip flop about in dating, so it's a good shit filter to be honest.
I'm making the same assumptions about the OP that prospective partners will make based on the way he came across in that text convo.
>Majority of women are whores who flip flop about in dating, so it's a good shit filter to be honest.
I don't even know how I'm supposed to respond to this statement.
How many times. I'm not OP. I'm someone different. And I have had in depth discussions with girls online about how we go about a relationship before. If we ever find something that we disagree strongly on, it's saved us both time and effort and complications in the long run.
As for you, you seem hellbent on trying to make the OP some sort of monster thats got a shotgun and ball and chain and chloroform ready at the door for any girl he gets involved with. Feminist detected.
>youre not a psychologist
I'm a trainee psychologist training at a university in the UK, but that doesn't mean anything and is irrelevant, it's just funny and ironic that you said that.
I don't have to read minds, I can read the conversation
obviously youre not very good at picking out emotions through texts, maybe if we were face to face you would be able to read how i feel but right now al you have been is incorrect
you do not know what went through my mind when i was talking to her
>I'm making the same assumptions about the OP that prospective partners will make based on the way he came across in that text convo.
I'm making the same assumptions about you that prospective partners will make based on the way you came across with your labelling and judgemental attitude. Here's a hint: labelling people possessive/demanding for a sentence based on a text they made, is no different than me making a judgement call on you based on a sentence you typed here. Point out the difference and I'll agree with you. If you don't agree with it being done to yourself, think about that the next time you wish to start labelling people.
>but you objectively come across as hostile and butthurt
currently yes, but when i was talking to her i was sad not angry. and i was definitely not trying to throw cheap shots at her
Jesus man, making an observation about how 99% of people would interpret a particular comment is not the same thing as labeling people. I never said that OP himself seemed like a possessive and controlling person, just that the one comment he made would be perceived that way. Don't be so sensitive.
And you've got to realize that this is how dating works. People make snap judgements about people based on these interactions, and they write people off pretty quickly over small things. I don't care if you don't agree with it or not, but that's the way things go. OP knows why that girl stopped responding, why don't you get it?
alright guys that was fun thanks alot for the advice and observations
i learned that although i didnt mean to be, i totally came off as an asshole and i understand now why she doesnt want to talk to me
threads too old to delete but im not gonna be checking up on it so dont bother posting anymore. thanks again for all the help
One last time, I can't make this any clearer:
You said to a girl, who isn't your gf or even dating you yet, to paraphrase, that you're only talking to her because you want a relationship and that you'd only have a relationship with her if she stopped flirting with her friend, effectively implying "If you don't stop flirting with him I'm gonna stop talking to you". I dont need to read minds, this is a logical conclusion. I'm telling you, you got way way ahead of yourself.
You then sent her a "have a nice life" message, which is a cliche of a bitchy parting insult. It's similar to breaking up with someone by saying "Its not me, it's you" - its such a cliche, representative of an untrue, sugarcoated excuse, that everyone now takes it as insulting, even in cases where its true. I dont believe that you're unaware of this.
>Jesus man, making an observation about how 99% of people would interpret a particular comment is not the same thing as labeling people
I and a few others here recognized that his comment was misconstrued by the girl in question. But it was not by topic choice, which you implied, but by word choice. You started going on about how you can't talk about such things before dating. Which is complete drivel. I have talked to many girls about such topics before dating.
youve been trying to tell me that when i said it i meant hate or hostility behind it. you even went as far to say that i was lying to myself when i said i didnt mean anything mean by it
thats not true. again as ive said numerous numerous times itt i did not, nor did i believe that when i said "have a nice life" that it would have any negative or passive agressive implications whatsoever
thats why im taking offense to what you say. because i will not stand for someone who thinks they know my thought process or my emotions better than i do
as for the
>implying "If you don't stop flirting with him I'm gonna stop talking to you"
youll notice i clearly said in a later text i said i would have still been your friend. that shows that i wasnt implying that whatsoever, and although i can totally see how it could be mistaken for being that way at first glance, that is NOT and it will never be what i meant
>You started going on about how you can't talk about such things before dating. Which is complete drivel.
Ehhhh, I'm still going to have to disagree. Again, a lot of it depends largely on delivery, but there's a time and place for hashing such things out, and I still feel that OP jumped the gun. I mean, say you want kids, for example. Do you NEED to establish that a girl is interested in having kids this early on in your interactions? And yeah, I know, you could pretty easily find out the answer to such a thing without bluntly asking. But do you NEED to? I mean, you don't even know if you're going to meet up in person yet, what's the point?
No, it's not. If I say I wasn't labeling him, then I wasn't labeling him. It really is that clear cut.
>Ehhhh, I'm still going to have to disagree. Again, a lot of it depends largely on delivery, but there's a time and place for hashing such things out,
There's a time and place, and it is not your role to dictate and judge when and where that is for everyone in the entire world. Which is what I said in my very FIRST post quoting you. Nor am I going to by the inevitable "well thats how 99% of the world thinks man" because it quite clearly isn't.
This all comes from your ignorance towards any way of approaching dating that isn't your own. Yeesh.