I really need some advice, i just had a conversation with my girlfriend of 3 years about us and it just made me feel like crap. Recently i've noticed she has been seeing her friends a lot more than usual and re-connecting with older friends, going to festivals, getting high all the time and the time we spend together has felt like filler until her next hang session with her friends.
I brought it all up with her because it has started to get to me a lot, and she basically confirmed my fears, she has noticed it too and believes its because she has felt like her friends lift her up and are generally more fun to hang with because they share similar interests.
This hurt me a lot but i just pushed forward and talked about us and why we should even continue if this is how she feels and i think once it got more serious she started back peddling a bit and saying it could be a phase and that she does actually enjoy her time with me and is conflicted a lot of the time as to who to see.
I'm just lost, i told her i needed to just dwell on everything a bit and i would see her tomorrow, im just in a terrible state and hurt by it all. She wants to move forward and try to see me more but it makes me feel guilty, like im smothering her, i just want us to see each other because thats what we both want.
A little more info, she says she often feels like shes missing out because her friends nearly always are together, and sometimes when shes with me we dont have a whole lot to do.
>she has noticed it too and believes its because she has felt like her friends lift her up and are generally more fun to hang with because they share similar interests.
Well shit OP. This has happened to me too and it ended with us breaking up over it amiably.
>it got more serious she started back peddling a bit and saying it could be a phase and that she does actually enjoy her time with me and is conflicted a lot of the time as to who to see.
Ehhh. She still isnt saying that she prefers your company to that of her friends. I would say that her argumentation revolved around the basis of "i need more time to know what i want" which, to me, = stalling.
> She wants to move forward and try to see me more but it makes me feel guilty, like im smothering her, i just want us to see each other because thats what we both want.
Sounds like what most people want out of a relationship, thing is that you need both parties to want that..
I can only tell you OP that sometimes things and people change and that they have a right to do so, as they are their own person with their own hopes and dreams.
I understand you being hurt very well, but i would advise you to think very well about what to do next.
When i was in your position i dragged it out with my partner for at least 5 months or longer, which i really shouldnt have, looking back up on it.
I would advise you to take a walk outside, if you can, and to just think about what you want from life and if you want to spend it with somebody that would rather spend their time with friends etc.
Listen to music too, but do something active for at least 30 minutes so that you wont feel like complete shit.
Good luck OP.
Thank you, this is such a strange feeling. I don't doubt that she wants to stay together and does love me, but i dont like feeling second best. But at the same time i love her and dont want to break up, i almost wish she would do it for me so i dont have to, but she doesnt want to, so i'm left with just seeing how it goes from here...
It's a vicious cycle, i only spoke up today about it but it has been bothering me for weeks, affecting my mood and probably making me less enjoyable to be around, and therefore making her continue to do it.
ahahahaahah. This is exactly how i felt like. For 5 months. Dont do it OP.
I wasted some good opportunities during that time and we arent getting any younger!
If i could tell myself from 2 years ago what to do, it would be to have bigger balls and to just break it up. You dont get anything but anguish, sadness and doubts about yourself, your choices etc to plague you until its all over.
I know it sounds harsh, but just do it. Try to make it amiably though, as there is always value in still being in contact with someone that knew you for so long.
ahahahah. Read my above reply to your post again, i dont really know what else to say OP.
OK, you need to grow up a little, dude. It's not about 'second best,' but that people are dynamic, and social interactions bring out different aspects of everyone's personalities, and she enjoys a wide spectrum of interactions with people, including friends.
OK, the activities she's doing are juvenile, and I can see why you don't want to talk part, or why you don't enjoy that shit, either- contrary to pop culture, many men mature faster than women, esp. in early adulthood. We're hardwired for that shit.
It's nobody's fault if your compatibility isn't what it was. People grow and change, especially in late teens/early-mid 20's. You're uncomfortable because you're jealous, which means that you're feeling insecure. You can either address that or not. It's an ugly trait, but it's also meant to be a warning sign of a flaw either in your character or in your relationship's health. Best find out which one. Many people deal with it, but it's certainly not something to be proud of. Getting a handle on that, either through fixing the problem or selecting a more compatible gf is the only solution where you won't shame yourself in her eyes and yours.
I've been there anon. I had to grow up, and get over the fact that the girl I loved wasn't right for me. Good thing, too, as I hadn't met my wife yet.
We have been together for 3 years, and this has only been happening the last 2-3 weeks, that is why i noticed only recently. I only spoke to her about it today and she cried and seemed like she really wants to be with me despite how she has been feeling recently. You really think i should just break it off right now as opposed to seeing how things go now that everything is out in the open? Just seems a bit premature, but i thank you for the wisdom and advice.
I definitely wouldnt drag it out 5+months if i noticed the pattern continuing but i feel like having a few more weeks to see will give me closure. If i did it right off the bat i might regret my decision later which scares me.
Thanks, i can fully understand why 2-3 other girls in a group with weed would yield more fun then hanging out with me alone, and of course i get my moods to see my friends too and in the moment i "prefer" to see them than my girlfriend but to me this feeling fades quick, and in the last 2-3 weeks that hasnt been the case for my GF. That is why i gave it several weeks to say anything because i understand she might need space every now and then.
This entire time since she has left she has been messaging me how she loves me and would never want to lose me etc, i just wish when i brought things up with her that she left out a couple things or didnt feel a certain way, would be so much easier to get over. It's a matter of ego i guess.
Thanks a lot for your input
Well, i would agree that 2-3 weeks, especially with you only having come out of the woodwork now is very premature.
See where this takes you, but be on the lookout.
I would also advise you to consider what 16778364 said. Maybe you are incompatible or not, but just keep it in the back of your head.
Good luck OP.