sooooo, my bf has this "female best friend". and he just told me that she's also his ex.
i was kind of bummed. i already had a hard time to get over the fact that he has a bff that writes him messages with all sort of heart and kiss emojis and of whom he keeps selfies on his phone. that he spends evenings with her alone, i tried to get over myself and not be jealouse/suspicious because "friendships with the other gender ARE possible" (i never really believed in this bullcrap).
but the fact that she's his ex is just a bit too much for me. it means that he definitely was/is attraccted to her. that they had tons of sex already (they where in a relationship for 2 years).
i am a firm believer of cutting contact with exes. and having her around as your bff definitely goes over my boundaries. what do?
oh and it has only been 1,5 years since they broke up. and he lost his virginity to her.
also, she's fucking gorgeous... god damn it.
Before you take any action, have you cut contacts will al your exes ? Have you ever flirted with someone during your relationship?
So many threads on /adv/ with the genders reversed, so you can read them.
well, we had this convo yesterday and i really didn't want to go further into detail. we just grazed over it a bit. i usually don't even want to know about past relationships cause if i break up with somebody, they aren't relevant anymore.
i have no idea why they broke up.
Anytime you have an argument, or whenever he gets even a little unhappy, he's going to go running to her. Think of her as a pseudo-girlfriend
The funny thing is that when she gets a bf, he'll make her cut contact with your boyfriend, because you shouldn't be friends with your ex :3
my ex is also my friend. We skype for like 1,5 hours+ at least once per month, but we dont really spend time alone anymore.
I would say that there still is definitely some attraction between the both of them and that you should confront him with questions like "do you still want to fuck your ex?" etc.
Say that you feel uncomfortable with the fact that he is still bff with her and see how he reacts. Try to be at little subtle, but if he doesnt get it, make it clear that it is a big worry for you.
Good luck OP.
i suspect that. i am REALLY not comfortable with him teeling her everything about our relationship. that's just none of her fucking business...
so, are you saying i should make him cut contact? i'm not sure. everything inside me want's to tell him to never talk to her again. but i don't want to be "that girl" and make him cut off "friends"
My ex was on good terms with his ex, whenever she had a boyfriend they made her cut contact with him, but whenever she was single she'd come running back for "late night cuddles with the bff, lol"
yeah, they go shopping together, or to the movies, or whatever. all alone. i thought it was a bit strange to begin with.
i will try to tell him low key that i'm not comfortable with this situation.
He has already shown he values his ex more than he values you, by keeping the friendship. There's no need to give the "her or me" ultimatum, because he's already made the choice. He'll choose her, and he'll make you seem like the bad person by saying
> muh friends
> I'm not cheating on you with my ex
but you know he's going to cheat on you with his ex, if he isn't already
yeah - thank you for making me super paranoid anon...
he just left and i won't see him for a week. not sure how i'm going to survive this without going crazy.
god fucking damn it! everything else is so perfect. why does this have to be? for real...
I'm asking because exes are exes for a reason. For some reason they don't want to have a future together yet in your case third is clearly not true. As you described they practically do everything a couple does except for sticking it in which is strange to say at least. I don't think he's over her to be honest and she keeps him as an orbiter just in case.
You dont have a reason to be paranoid unless you have actual grounds for worry.
Why would he have you around when he can still be with his ex?
Something doesnt add up and i think you are overreacting. Confront your BF and then see where it takes you from there, we cant help you in any other way, except for making you paranoid, which wont help.
Leave OP and confront him, posts like >>16778145
arent gonna help.
Yes there are. People are sometimes the biggest idiots and dont notice what they are doing. Give your potential idiot-boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and confront him.
The people on this board are overreacting. Leave this thread, as its not helping you anymore.
exactly my biggest fear.
they act so couple-sy. i mean, i haven't met her yet and i was kind of holding out on the judgement untill i do. but right now shit's really hitting the fan.
my reasoning was that they wouldn't have broke off without a reason. but, coming to think of it: he hinted that he got cheated on once. that was probably her because she was his only "proper" relationship. ffs!
and she had a bf untill very recently, but he cheated on her (what comes around...). he spent a lot of time at hers, "comforting" her. whatever THAT means.
because when we started dating, his ex still had a bf?
but you're right. this thread is probably not very helpfull atm. maybe the best thing would be to talk to him asap. is it very dumb to adress this via text? i don't think i can stay calm and colected over phone.
>sooooo, my bf has this "female best friend". and he just told me that she's also his ex.
I have a similar relationship with my ex. The only reason I keep it going is because she lets me fire a spermload in her every now and again. If she didn't there'd be absolutley no point to staying in contact with her.
he's rather naive and. i can totally believe that he doesn't get that it might be a problem. SHE however, knows very well. i was suspecting that she keeps him as a beta orbiter even before i knew she's his ex.
Coming from someone who has had every dirty thing done to them by a female, just give him a chance to explain things and don't assume everything
You will know his feeling by how he talks
Is he scared of losing her? Or is he scared of losing you? THAT is what you need to find out
>you shouldn't date people who keep there ex's as friends
i kow. if i had known earlier it would have been a HUGE red flag. probably a deal breaker. but damn, i'm already deep inside this now. this is going to hurt like a motherfucker if it's true
Uhm i think you should confront him face to face. Always do the important things in life in a way so that you can actually see the person with your own eyes.
There are a lot of nuances that we give off through body language, eye movement etc. As such you need to see his whole reaction to your question and not just his "rational" text message or whatever.
Adress him face to face and also asap, as it seems this is really eating you up from the inside.
Good luck OP.
That person you replied to was me. The whole beta orbiter is disturbing, but it doesnt matter what she thinks. What he thinks is the only thing that should matter to you, as you are in bed with him and not her.
what do i do now. what do i say to him?
should i ask him questions (why did you break up for example) or flat out tell him that i don't like that he's friends with his ex?
can i do this via text? (i hate talking on the phone. yes, i know that's autistic) or do i need to wait untill i see him again?
>Adress him face to face and also asap
damn, i'm going to be insane by the end f the week.
>but it doesnt matter what she thinks
i think it does to some extend. if her intentions aren't kosher, she can try to manipulate him. and she's in a neat position to do so.
This sounds very clear. She keeps him as a shoulder to cry on and as backup is she can't do better, and your beta boyfriend complies because he is still not over her. She got fed up with his bs, broke up with him but kept him around as an emotional sponge. Also comforting a cheater who got cheated on is just pathetic, does your guy have any spine? She clearly doesn't respect him the least and he still keeps him on a pedestal.
>i think it does to some extend. if her intentions aren't kosher, she can try to manipulate him. and she's in a neat position to do so.
which is why you have to confront him about that too. He may be an idiot, but he cant keep that up if you actually give it to him straight.
Good luck OP, i hope everything works out for you.
i don't even think that he wasn't being honest. if i would have been in his shoes i would have waited until the topic came up too. otherwise it would look like a big issue.
i truly can't imagine that's he's NOT loyal. it just doesn't make any sense.
If they are bff and theyr relationship is bigger than ur's with him just break up and let them leave theyr life you shouldn't fuck theyr relation up bcz of jealousie like don't talk to her anymore or shit break up and get over it fggt
>if you actually give it to him straight
he's got a huge sex drive. i think if she wanted to, she could get him to a point where he just gives in.
thanks anon. i can reallyuse your wishes
>does your guy have any spine?
he's seems very confident and assertive at first. but actually, he's rather awkward and insecure.
i don't hope he keeps her on a pedestal. but it fucking seems so to me.
Be subtle. If he has feelings for her he will defend her a lot. Ask him why did they break up, a bit of their history and why do they havethe relationship they have. Observe the way he answers. If you get the feeling he's not over her, don't let them see each other again. Do it in person.
i get that. i totally do. i don't want to "force" him to decide between me and his friends. that's really not something that i would do normally. but this whole situation is just getting weirder and weirder. and requesting to choose between me and being a beta orbiter to an ex that he's not over yet seems like a reasonable thing to ask for. althought, if he's so deep inside her shit i really fear his answer.
You tell him that you have a problem with him spending so much time, focus and attention on a supposed ex and that you feel that he is actually spending more attention on her than on you. Bitch this shit cant be fair.
And do it in person like i told you to. This is important and personal, not some dicussion over candycrush.
Most overconfident people are insecure, it's a reliable sign. Being a shoulder to cry on for someone who cheated on you is doormat tier though. If he isn't putting her on a pedestal what is the reason he does her such favors after she cheated on him?
>If he isn't putting her on a pedestal what is the reason he does her such favors after she cheated on him?
whoa. very true. that's scary shit anon. but, i'm not sure if SHE was the one cheating on him. i'd need to get this confirmed first. but if she was it, there's definiely something very fishy
I got this close female friend that knows my bf since he was a kid. should i ask her about his ex and why they broke up/what's the deal with them now? or is this very deceitful?
Yes, I do. She knows I have some contact with my ex from time to time, but she's not aware of what's actually going on. If my ex stopped putting out I'd cut contact in an instant - after all, if I still liked her I'd still be with her, so if I'm not getting "rewarded" for spending time with her I'm just not going to do it.
Not all blokes are assholes like I am (have cheated on every single girl I've ever been with), so I guess your bf could theoretically be innocent. I just can't imagine any other reason for keeping an ex around than if you're getting laid. As I said, if they still like each other enough to hang out all the time they'd still be together, so there has to be some other motivating factor.
OK so I know a couple of people who are like that, being best friends with their ex partners and it's usually a friendship that turns into relationship and then they realize they are better off as friends. This exists and they have some of the most amazing relationships I have ever seen so please consider that it might really be a great friendship and you might want to trust him rather than make him destroy something that means a lot to him just for your lack of trust. If you love him then you should want him to be happy and fucking over a friendship doesn't result in happiness.
There's a reason he spends so much time and effort on her, so there is a payback to him. It's either emotional if he's beta and put her on a pedestal, or biological if she lets him sick it in. You said she was gorgeous, he knows that as well, the question is what he wants from this gorgeousness, blind hope and feeling good for being there for her or some fuk.
>so there is a payback to him
that's what made me suspicious about their relationship in the first place. it seemed like all effort is coming from him and i was seriously wondering what is in it for him. then he tells me she's his ex and i see a pic of her and all my good intentions to be reasonable and mature are gone in an instant.
this is what it really boild down to. but what if the situation genuinely is like this anon described it >>16778275
i don't want to be the asshole that makes him loose friends. that's also the reason why i was holding out my judgement untill i would see them together once.
You just have common sense, there's nothing wrong with that thinking. If they are this close, there is definitely something. If he's cheating, break up, if he's beta force him to cut contact.
>If he's cheating, break up, if he's beta force him to cut contact
that's the plan.
but how do i find out if he's a beta orbiter of if the situation is like this? >>16778275
cause making him cut contact if she's genuinely a friend would be an asshole move
A mans relationship with a woman is meant to lead to intimacy. If my best friend died I would want to take care of his girl. To love her as he loved her. My respect in my friend is what stops me from trying to be with her. I don't talk to women I'm not trying to actively become intimate with.
pls help me decide if i should talk to this friend about it. because if it is tolerable, i'll talk to her right now.
>If you spend time with anyone other than it means you love them more than me and you have to choose
this is retarded obsessive behavior and I would immediately dump a chick who thinks like that because that's a sign of crazy.
You have your head in the right place, just see them interact together and if you find them to be more intimate than comfortable tell him to get on a more platonic terms with her. I know that when you are in a relationship it feels bad when a partner spends time with someone else but an integral part of a relationship is trust and if you can't trust him around one girl then why should you trust him around another?
It might even be true that she is using him as a doormat as other anon suggested and he doesn't know, I personally have developed feelings towards my friends that were similar to how I feel about my sisters, extremely protective but purely platonic and she might be just using that in which case he might actually need help from that kind of "one way" friendship.
I'm not saying that's how it is, just saying there are many possibilities so wait until you have more info to evaluate.
exactly my words anon. i truly don't belive in this "female/male" friendship nonsense. but i thought maybe i'm just old fashioned and that there might be people that genuinely are able to have friendships like that. but my believes are fading fast.
I guess you could talk to her and let her know how their intimacy makes you feel but that'll just show your weakness to her and shell have control over another person. I feel that's like letting link know the flashing red spot on your ass is the weak point.
>just see them interact together
i don't think this wil happen any time soon. if only out of pure logistical reasons. i need to get t othe roots of this before i get the opportunity to do so. or should i ask him to meet her? wouldn't that be very strange? i don't even WANT to meet her. i just want her to vanish into orbit honestly
>If my girlfriend told me she disliked me talking to an ex I'd stop talking to the ex
even if this ex is a childhood friend you eventually had a relationship with that didn't work out and you decided to go back to just being friends? that seems a bit of a leap. i got into his life just recently. i'm not here to fuck his shit up
I've had a family friend that I was madly in love with. If she showed the least bit of interest in me I'd be hers instantly. If I had a gf I wouldn't even trust myself to be in contact with her.
I feel kind of bad now. Just bear in mind that what I'm saying is all from my own personal perspective, which is quited skewed in comparrison to a "regular" blokes outlook.
Actually I do. The thing is I'm horribly insecure about how I am, and allthough I act like a super confident alpha male it's all just a sham. On top of that I'm a big, tall, intimidating looking guy, sso I never fel like I can talk to anyone about my insecurities, or any emotional problems for that matter (that's one of the main reasons I come on /adv/, so I can talk about that stuff without getting embarrassed). The only way I've learned to try and cope with those feelings is female attention, and it's like the more I get the better I feel. Where I've been like this for so many years now it's become allmost instinctive - just like how an alcoholic would get a bottle of whiskey when he's stressed out, I'll pick up a girl when I'm feeling low.
I know it's no justification at all for what I'm doing, and I'm well aware of how much of a cunt I am for acting this way. It's just that I don't know any other way of carrying on.
but what if she showed interest, you got together and figured out that you just aren't compatible? i mean, he was very young when they started dating. i'd say around 18. could be that they where friends, went along well and then hormones took over and they started sleeping whit each other. r-right?
don't worry. i'm not going to let somebody kill her. i was just playing around too.
Yeah there are many different relationships. I had a friend like that, and I would still have a hard time saying no to her because she was like an angel to me.
But I also have a friend I knew since we were kids and we thought we should date but quickly realized that it wouldn't work and that we were more like siblings.
I would say you should just have an honest and blunt talk with your bf. Tell him straight up how you feel without getting emotional and ask for his word that he isn't going to betray you. Honestly that's probably your best shot, you will never be 100% sure and you have to be content with that.
This was the girl who would watch sailor moon and dragonballz with me. The girl who would go fishing with me. Climb trees in the summer breeze... Its my great white whale... Jesus I'm tearing up just thinking about her.
>I feel kind of bad now
no, don't worry. i would get over it in time even if it was the way you said.
>On top of that I'm a big, tall, intimidating looking guy
yup. just like my bf. can you pls elaborate a bit more? i feel like what you just said is very relevant.
how close are you with your gf? do you talk about your emotions with her? or do you keep her at bay? why does sexual attention help you cope with feeling like you need to be "strong and collected" all the time?
Nothing ever happened. We lived apart during teenage years and had our own relationships. The period when I wanted to make contact she was in a relationship and I didn't want to spoil it for her. I could message her right now and reconnect. And I think I will once I get fit again. Cause I'll be damned if I don't give it a chance.
You can only judge that if you know how she treats him. If she's using him as an emotional sponge or a tool, the relationship is one-sided. If she is actually there for him and helps him, it's a real friendship with content. If she's all over him or acting distant he's most likely cheating and spinning two plates to feel confident and alpha.
What's with all the lewd pics?
she sounds like a really neat girl anon. but why do you think you need to get fit first? she knows you since chiildhood. she knows YOU. i don't think she cares too much about your non-existing sixpack. it sound more like an excuse to not contact her desu
this would be a good approach, agreed. but it would definitely take too long for me to keep my sanity. see >>16778317
>What's with all the lewd pics?
ha. i just rediscovered them yesterday and i like the soothing vibe they have. i used to have a "bilitis" poster in my room as a teen and it just got me the throwback
I'm going to share a bit of my personal secret autism that helped me to deal with emotional situations. After couple of relationships, I got burned and sometimes I was the one who fucked up. I was thinking back and realized clearly what would have been the logical way to approach a situation. But I didn't choose the logical way because I was fucking full of emotions at the time. So I found a way to use reason when I had none. I wrote a diary where I documented my past situations that I couldn't handle and wrote what to do, every time I had another one of them it went straight into log. And every time I am in a bad situation in relationship and overcome with emotions, I go to the diary, look for something similar and react by the book forcing myself to go against my feelings and just do it without thinking by the book. Pretty autistic shit but it saved me a couple of times already. Learning to ignore feelings and act rationally is a very strong asset to have so I suggest you get on that in the future, I know that it might be harder for a woman tho.
She was a beauty queen. I'd feel like captain Ahab trying to catch Moby in a row boat. I feel I need to get into a form that won't get me friend zoned and actually be seen as physically attractive. Not just phsycologically.
that's a very neat way to learn from "past mistakes"!
i'm a bit on the other side of this. i have always been stern, and "cold". i recently try to get better at recognizing and voicing my emotions since it made me very miserable in the past that i just held my mouth. i always think that my emotions are silly and not "right". so, i disregard them. that's why i'm so happy /adv/ exists. that's why i desperately needed this thread. i don't trust my own emotions. i mean, i can get angry, or sad, sure. but i would NEVER cry infront of my bf. i would probably get mad at him if he really pissed me off (hasn't ever happened till now, it takes A LOT to get me to that point). but being emotional doesn't come easy to me. but since i try to be a bit more "emotional", i feel like this whole situation could easily overwhelm me. it's rather scary.
i really apprecciate you sharing this with me anon.
If you want to judge the situation solely from your bf's behavior it will be a bit of a guesswork. Ask him about her, show genuine interest in her as someone very important to the man you love and see how he talks about her. If he's orbiting her, he will try to hide his feelings and downplay it as much as he can. If it's a genuine friendship he will be honest, if he's cheating, he will show the alpha act and try to keep you out of it. You need to get in touch with him emotionally and see his insecurities and how he cooed with them.
ok, makes sense. i'm not one of those people telling you that physical attraction isn't important in a relationship. but base your approach more on the wonderful intimacy you already shared once.
>Ask him about her, show genuine interest in her as someone very important to the man you love and see how he talks about her. If he's orbiting her, he will try to hide his feelings and downplay it as much as he can
i did in the beginning. when he told me that his friedn got cheated on and he was going to be with her. the next day i asked how it went and how she's coping. he was a bit short answered (he just said they had a "nice" evening. that was kind of odd given the situation) but i brushed it off. i kept asking how she's getting along from time to time but never got much out of him. oh god damn it. what have i gotten myselfe into. i don't want to be a fucking rebound. i really thought this was going great.
Never force emotions, let them come naturally. Everytime it's shaped by their life experiences. I'd your life shaped you too be more stern, accept yourself like that. If you start trusting people, a lot of emotions will come naturally. If you force them though it will make you more anxious and it will drive a wedge between you and others that makes healthy trust much harder to develop.
I know I'm late to the party but i just want to throw in mu 0.02.
Following on from what another person said earlier, yes, there are people out there that are naive. I was actually one of them a while ago. I wanted to keep in touch with my ex when i was getting into a new relationship because she was a good friend anyway. When we broke up, i went behind my then-girlfriend now-fiance's back to try and organise a meet up to see how we were both doing.
My SO then found a text from my ex on my phone asking me if i still wanted to meet. It was only then when i realised what i was doing wrong and ended up calling my ex in front of my SO and yelling at her down the phone to never contact me again. I never felt like more of a cunt to both of them.
So yeah, just talk to your boyfriend. Dont make him choose, just tell him how you feel and see what happens. Above all else, remember that even the worst case scenario of him leaving you is not the end of the world. You are your own person and it's unfair for you to be in this situation, but you gotta deal with it as an adult and hope he is one too.
>Never force emotions
no. i just try to recognize them. and maybe let them show trough a bit more. for example, just recently my boss told me that i can't start my education in summer. usually i would have listened to his reasons and be all "i understand, makes sense". but i went and told her that i'm really disappointed and she immediatly started to hamster her way out, offering to help me find another place.
>just tell him how you feel and see what happens. Above all else, remember that even the worst case scenario of him leaving you is not the end of the world
this is very helpfull anon! thanks.
not making this an "ultimatum" situation wil take a lot of the sharpness. just telling him how i feel and letting him figure out what he wants and find a solution on his own makes perfect sense. this way i'm honest and open about my concerns but it's his decision what to do with it.
and yes, i can see how it would be better if he broke things up with me over this than the other way around, him stringing me along unnecessarily.
The fact he let's her send him kissing emoji and hearts is disrespectful not only to you but your relationship. It sounds like he keeps her around for the attention. If you've brought up you are not okay with how she talks to him and he didn't ask her to stop then you find someone else who respects you and your relationship. This is a potential sign of potentially cheating and more problems to come.
i'm not sure how often and how excessive she does that. he just once showed me something on his phone and that whats app drop down popped up and it was from her and it had a blowing kiss emoji at the end. i can't remeber if there was anything else, i wasn't that concerned since i am a person to use emojis inflationarily too. but now that i know she's his ex, this is a bit different. she sould be VERY aware that such intimate behaviour is a potential treat to his current relationship.
yay /adv/ found a solution! And you are an amazing person and you restored my belief in humanity after my first time trip to /r9k/ yesterday, I'm never going back to that place ever again.
That's the thing. We were family friends most of our lives. The intimacy wasn't there. Just history and past. I'm sure I can reconnect with her I just want to be at my best when I try my attempt.
>you are an amazing person and you restored my belief in humanity
whoa, now you make me bashful
and yup, don't go there. unless: i once catched a thread about king neet. that was some real fun
Then be honest with him and talk to him. Tell him how you feel about this and see how he reacts. If he disregards your feelings, tries gaslighting or downplays it break up because he disrespects your relationship and takes you for a fool.
Hope you turn out fine, good luck!
That's different, you're his girlfriend. If he's insecure inside and being confident and strong is just an act, he needs validation. The way to get that is to get high quantity of attention from females whom he doesn't have much feelings for because then he's not reliant on the judgement of an individual to get pussy, so he's king of the jungle.
It's kind of like when girls feel validated if they hoe and all the guys give them attention. They have attention and the power to choose so they feel powerful and valuable which helps with insecurity.
Getting emotionally close to him and helping him trust you, but this is extremely hard if all he learnt in life it's not to show emotions. Also he will have the same problem as girls who hoe for attention of being an empty shell and an act they learnt to play well and completely not in touch with themselves on the inside. This makes it even worse to open up because it makes sharing emotions awkward.
I could be wrong and the other admins right though that he's just orbiting her and doesn't do it for attention and validation but to really comfort her. Just a thought.
Just remember to keep cool when you confront him and never give away your self respect. No one ever got love if they gave that away that to anyone no matter how much they loved them. If he disrespects you stand your ground even if it means breaking up.
You really got that one right. That describes me almost to a t. I was lucky to never go full slut and engage in ons and shit, but that's the reason i'm working on reconnecting with my emotions. My bf and i are probably very similar, we just don't know it about each other. But if he's in the same boat, i don't see why we can't work on that together. I guess the first step would be me being the bigger person and adress this issue honest and calm.
However, i can vaguely remember that he once made a remark that implied that she's just like a little sister to him. But he could have said that to make me feel secure about her. Dunno
This is such awesome advice. I'm very VERY glad to be able to say without hesitation that i WON'T give away my dignity and walk away if he disrespects me. Took me a long while to get to this point.
My bf and i are probably very similar, we just don't know it about each other. But if he's in the same boat, i don't see why we can't work on that together.
Because of roles. He's a guy, he learnt to be strong, emotionally independent, not to trust anyone and he wants a girl wood living caring etc... You both play roles for each other and to maintain those roles working together on this is hard. If you have those up you would be more like buddies or kids. You need real deep trust typo pull that off.
How long have you been together?
How old are you two?
Sorry for the typos, writing from phone and auto-correct sometimes corrects right to wrong.
She didn't make that decision yet.
Good, wish the best for you. One more thing, girls like to bite people's head off if they feel they were okay with them.
Being a cunt does not equal being confident and respecting yourself, on the contrary it makes you look like a child throwing a tantrum. Be reasonable but confident.
Also if he really just orbits her and is not there for the attention, help him realize it. You said you were hoing for attention in the past, I'm pretty sure you had your fair share of orbiters and know the signs.
My ideal would be a relationship where you don't have to play roles for each other (i'm aware that you always HAVE a role: mom/sister/daugter/friend/wive/whatever). I'd rather get to know him on eyelevel and with all these damned insecurities and wrong decisions. We are still in the process to get there and sometimes i'd rather talk out the mess in my head with you guys before i fuck things up.
We have been together for 3 months. I'm 24 and he's 22.
Don't worry. I'm on my phone too. It's very annoying
I was suspecting that from the first time he told me about her. But i'm not the one giving him unasked for life-advice. I thought that if he's just orbiting her this will eventually stop as he gets older and works on his insecurity and isn't a serious treat to "us".
>don't have to play roles
That happens very late after solid trust is built after years.
>rather talk to/adv/that fuck up
Men think much more like this. He'd rather confident in a stranger on the street than bring his problems to you if you mean anything for him.
You're wrong about this. As long as she's around she will fuel his unrequited love to exploit him and if he puts her on a pedestal, she will seduce him super early if she wants to which is a constant threat to your relationship.
Meh, i'm ok with it taking a long time. But it's what i want in the end. And i'd rather start working on it now than encourage him to play roles.
Well, don't you think this is a bit of a generalization. Why would he do that? If i never gave him the feeling that he needs to be my "protector" or that he needs to be "strong and confident"? I mean, he usually is that way, but i never gave him a reason to believe that this is what i expect from him. I'd rather have him be honest. And i'd like to think that this is the "vibe" I was sending out in our relationship so far.
I'm not going to jump to conclusions. I'm going with not guilty until proven otherwise. I'm assuming they have a genuine friendship until i know otherwise. But you are right about that. I was more talking about "in the long run". He's only 22. There's a lot of time to work on ones issues. That's the time people usually start to make a conscious effort to do so.
He already plays a role what you want is to see behind that role. No it's not, society teaches them to be providers and to be confident and a solid rock to rely on. Being emotional is feminine. I'm not talking about the kill all your emotions 4chan fagness, I'm talking about expressing your emotions well, being confident and strong, and show no signs of insecurity. You know, to be the man. It carries not trusting anyone with things that may turn awkward with it. You don't have to give him a reason, it's what he thinks naturally.
This is good thinking, just don't think that if he's guilty, the problem will go away on its own as you have written in your previous post. You're right about that, 22is young and he had time, but I have seen manipulative bitches at work, they don't need too much time to screw things up.
>what you want is to see behind that role
exactly. is this really that hard to achieve? why?
>show no signs of insecurity
does it help if he knows his opposite is insecure too?
>go away on its own
i know that won't happen. this was poorly worded (englisch is not my first language, so sometimes i don't really know how to phrase what i want to say).
it's also not that i'm in love with his "potential" or am trying to change him. i just know that at that age a person goes trough a lot of changes and i thought that maybe he will see how unnecessary it is to be an orbiter on his own after a while. if not, i would have been okay-ish with that since i have my flaws too and because having some flaws i can life with wouldn't make me love him any less.
this thread is making me wonder
my bf is friends with his ex, but not best friends. he says the only reason for this is that she has really bad mental health issues and threatens to kill herself if he cuts contact completely. apparently a couple days ago she called him to tell him something about one of their mutual friends who is in the hospital and she said she still loved him. he told me he said sorry but it's not mutual and hung up, but I know they still talk sometimes. his ex has a new bf as well
should I be worried?
>threatens to kill herself if he cuts contact completely
Why should he care?
If he is doing that because of the kindness of his heart he surely must realise that all he is doing is nurturing her dependance. Him being in her life doesn't really help her.
Best he can do, is inform her relatives and significant other of her condition and the situation, and then cut all contact.
Also, it's just a manipulation technique.
I've been in a similiar situation, a girl that was into me was trying to guilt me into hanging with her, but I am a cold bastard, I didn't really give a shit if she lives or dies.
Guess what she did? Nothing.
It's hard because he learnt that role from childhood. He won't believe you when from e every source he heard that what he's doing is right.
It doesn't help that he knows you are insecure, actually it makes it worse. If you can't handle your own problems how could you handle his, and it's not your job as a woman.
If he's an other he won't recognize he is, he's just dazzled by the smell of her pussy and think their relationship is perfectly normal. The problem with bomb being an orbiter is that he will do her bidding and prioritize her which will feel extremely crap as his girlfriend.
>do her bidding and prioritize her
i don't think his orbiting is THAT bad. he never has neglected me in favor of her (ot otherwise). it doesn't fit into everything else, really. i couldn't be happier with how we are and i don't want to ruin this by being unresonable and suspicious
That's kind of weird they hang out a lot alone honestly.
I mean I'm still good friends with my first ex, and I even got his wife a job at where I used to work too, but we never hang out alone, cause I dunno that's kind of weird.
When she feels she wants to get cheered up, she will call for her tool bff and he will come promptly. She will use him as she feels it fit. You can't have a meaningful relationship with anyone if they put others on a pedestal and still have feelings for them.
If my GF did this with her ex I'd be pretty unhappy.
Can't tell from where we stand exactly what their dynamic is but unless the ex is a homo or tranny or something where they CLEARLY will never hook up again I'd feel v. uncomfortable with the situation
Sadly if you tell him to stop seeing his bff you'll sound like a cunt
You're kinda fucked either way. Try and explain politely but firmly that it makes you real uncomfortable the amount of time and intimacy he has with her. (Be warned: if he cuts that off he may need to replace that time with her, with you. Y'all ready for that level of togetherness?)
I don't know what advice has been given in this thread, but it's a GOOD thing when you can maintain a platonic friendship with an ex.
People who cheat are trash, and you want to find out as early as possible whether someone is trash or not, so you don't have to waste time with them. If your s.o. goes and runs to the ex after every fight, or orbits them, or fucks/tries to fuck them, then you've got your answer as to whether or not they're trash (non-nude photos and emojis are hardly evidence of this, by the way) and you don't have to wonder whether or not you should DTMFA.
In the even that they're NOT doing this shit, you have uncovered a signal that this person is a healthy, normal, confident adult with social skills who can maintain personal relationships through some shit and come out the other side. Now maybe OP is cluing into something shady going on, who knows. But the mere fact of maintaining a close friendship with an ex is hardly an automatic negative.