Would you ever tell your friend that they're ugly, a failure, and will never achieve anything in their life? I wouldn't, so it doesn't seem fair to tell myself the same things, but I just can't shake this feeling that I'm a useless piece of crap. Every night I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up. I go through life not giving a shit about myself and wishing that at any moment, something will happen to me so I can be dead. I have a part-time job, I workout at the gym three times a week, and I'm going to school, but at this point I feel like I'm going just for the sake of having a degree. I'm doing all these things but it never feels like it's enough. People are regularly friendly and attentive to me, but the person I actually like is distant and hard to talk to. It just feels like I have nothing to live for and I don't know what else to do with my life to make me happy again.
I don't make enough money to see a therapist.
So basically you're just growing up out of high school, and you've been called an ugly and lazy cunt.
Nothing unusual really.
Just find a life partner, get a hobby and enjoy life to it's fullest. Not much else to be said here.
It is very possible that I'm projecting, but any reason I've found to continue has been internal. I've tried to kill myself twice. I've been in relationships, some satisfying and some not so much. I've finished my master's degree. I work in a high paying career. They don't directly combat depression.
I've found that finding something tangential or less to your passions is a great way to have motivation. I work as BME, and while I enjoyed accruing the knowledge in the field, it didn't satisfy me. I now write semi-regularly, both fiction and non-fiction (both equally poorly), to keep myself going.
I still make sure the water mains in my apartment are strong enough should I try to hang myself again, but having something dichotomous to work or study keeps me going. I realize that none of this really addresses your question, but I hope it offers a little perspective.
There's not really anything about me to appreciate.
I hope so anon.
I've never been called ugly, but I feel like I am. I used to play video game, but that kind of bores me now. And only if it was that easy to find a life partner.
Thanks for the input anon. I feel like this is true. I used to think if I just had a job and made money, things would be better, but nothing has really changed. I would love to be able to just read and write stories all day, but I'm not sure how long that would keep me sustained.
I certainly don't read and write all day, I'll admit it wouldn't keep me going despite my enjoyment in it. My routine can be boiled down to working from 07:00 to 18:00 Monday through Friday. From 18:00 to 01:00 I read, write, take care of chores, etc.
It is easy to become annoyed by the trivial routine. It is our 'default setting' as DFW described. The flourish and reduction of depression, at least in my life, comes from when I experience something new and can expound upon the feeling through literature, music, or sometimes even my work. I've recently become involved in an ornithology community around me and the spectacle of the birds has genuinely gotten me through a night or two.
To some extent, I think I've tried to transform the omnipresent depression into a catalyst for experience. It's entirely likely the depression could overcome the thrill of experience, but for now it keeps me going so I rally behind it.
I think mostly because the days in which I don't experience something even remotely transcendent are when I desire most to hang myself. For sake of continuity in example, grabbing my binoculars and hopping in my car to watch birds is easier than going to bed wishing I would've at least mustered the courage to attempt hanging myself every moment until I fall asleep.
Perhaps it makes me a coward to avoid such thoughts and desires with different stimulation, but I'm fine with that for now. Admiring the birds from afar at least helps me snap out of that 'default setting.'
For example, grocery shopping is when I find myself experiencing dread almost invariably. I, along with every other person who just got off work, is strolling through the aisle, under the same blinding fluorescence, listening to the same Muzak, deciding if we want the 93% or 85% lean ground beef before lining up to pay in the same manner our soon-to-be-burger did.
The spontaneity of action, the unfamiliarity of motive, and the beauty in plumage paints an entirely different world than the one causing me dread.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. In the effort of full disclosure, I've been drinking and have every night for the last couple years, but I haven't tried to kill myself in a while.
>I used to play video game, but that kind of bores me now.
I can relate to that, but that wasn't where i was going to. I picked up watchmaking as a hobby (and can sometimes fill a profit).
>And only if it was that easy to find a life partner.
It's only hard when you're not trying.