My husband is a very attractive man, who is used to having sex at least once a day (in our relationship) and when he was single, several times a day with different women on the weekends. Basically he's a very sexually-driven person.
I just had our baby on January 25th. He has been coming home around 8 every night. I don't have a car at the moment and no friends because I'm in a new city. I'm feeling very depressed and lonely at home. Around 7 I just pace the living room frantically, then sit on the couch and cry. I suppose it's post-pregnancy hormones/post-partum depression.
He used to be super busy because he was building a house, but that's done with, and his HVAC company is slow lately because of the weather. When I ask why he's coming home so late he says something like "lots of paper work at the office". In the background I can hear him watching the news on his laptop, something he does at home. He quit smoking when we started dating, and suddenly took it up again a day or two after I gave birth. He's gone back to smoking regularly now.
Why is he coming home so late and smoking again? I'm the one that 100% takes care of baby and diaper changes, etc.
I get very little sleep but still try and make his life easier. This morning I got up at 6:30 to make him breakfast before he left. The other night I surprise attacked him with a blowjob.
I would do this more often but he hasn't asked. Also it's hard to put baby down without her crying.
Is it possible that he doesn't want to be around me because he wants to take his mind off of his horniness? Could smoking have anything to do with that?
It is true that he's always been a workaholic, and has always had a huge sex drive. But before baby, even during my pregnancy he would drive 3 hours to my college town to stay with me every weekend, and we were intimate up until the day my water broke.
>Is it possible that no sex for 6 weeks is really that hard on him, or does it sound like something else?
ok, few questions.
why in the world did you let crazy stick his dick inside you?
why did you think it was a good idea to marry a whore?
why did you think it was a good idea to have a baby with such a guy?
P.S. I am not bad looking by any means (see above pic). I lost all the pregnancy weight in about 5 days, my stomach is practically flat, and my A cups, now engorged with milk, are D's.
So should I try and be less sexy, wear less makeup, dress more conservatively around him so he's less tempted? I was trying to keep up my appearance to demonstrate to him that I wasn't going to just let myself go after marriage and baby like so many other American women.
P.S. when he actually does come home he treats me very well. We cuddle, he always offers to take me out to dinner, and he is very affectionate towards our baby. Not distant in the least. So as soon as he's home all my worries are quelled. Yet when he's gone they start back up again full force.
IS IT ALL IN MY HEAD ANONS??
It could be the new baby (Congratulations!) You say that you can hear him watching the news in the background at work rather than at home. Maybe he's staying late at work because it's a quiet place and he wants some alone time? Sounds like stress to me, especially with the smoking.
I would be very direct and ask him about this. It's unfair for him to push all of the household duties onto you right after giving birth. And he needs to bond with and help with your child.
I really don't think that's related to sex. But then again, I also really doubt that a stranger on the internet can tell you what's going on in your husband's head when you can't. It may be just a though period at the job, people tend to start smoking (again) and act inconsiderate when they're under a lot of stress. It may be that he's uncertain about you and his life as a whole. It may be that he has an affair. I really can't tell.
I know this is bullshit cliche advice, but the only thing you can do is talk with him, being as sincere and supportive as you can, tell him that you're feeling really bad about how things are going and basically beg him to tell you what's wrong. If there is something wrong. Can't ignore the possibility that your hormones are going crazy and you're making a huge deal out of nothing. Although from what you're saying he's really not acting like a person who just had a kid should.
The pregnancy was unplanned, and in all honesty we were not prepared to settle down. But we love each other and are trying to make it work. He is Russian, and tends to be very cold emotionally. He deems it weak-minded to be open about his feelings. Basically not very easy to talk to. I have conveyed that I wish he would come home sooner, but perhaps not enough because I'm afraid of coming off as naggy or clingy. He's more the stubborn type that if I give him his space he will respond better, whereas if I pull too much he will resist. I call him when I start to panic, and he usually comes home shortly after. But I don't want to have to call him every night. Again, naggy.
We were both promiscuous, and highly value intimacy in a relationship. We are a good match, in many other ways as well.
He doesn't show his emotions. He has a very cold exterior. Of course I am his wife so I can see through it better than others. I think the whole pregnancy marriage thing freaks him out, and that while I was pregnant we were both a bit in denial. To me smoking is indeed a sign that he has high anxiety. Idk what I can do to remedy this, and I don't think nagging him about smoking will help. But it deeply offends me because he quit immediately when he met me because I had asthma. Now I can't hug him without coughing from the scent alone. It's also a sign of weakness and that worries me, he has a very strong character, quitting cold turkey was one of the things that really attracted me to him.
To me it sounds a lot like you just can't stand being alone. Maybe find yourself a hobby? I don't know, read a book or something.
Also tell your husband that expressing himself is not a fucking sign of weakness.
Thanks! So should I give him his space and see if it gets any better over time?
>It's unfair for him to push all of the household duties onto you right after giving birth. And he needs to bond with and help with your child.
I disgaree, he is the bread earner, I take care of the cooking, cleaning, and child-rearing. It is a very fair situation, many men would argue that I have it easy. I live a very comfortable life because of him. He does bond with baby he just does not do diaper changes.
In part, genetics. This was me at 7.5 months. I gained 40 lbs. but nobody could tell I was pregnant until I was 6 months.
But most of all, I attribute my weight loss to breastfeeding. As much as you can. It burns over 300 calories a day, and the contractions you experience in the first few days post-partum, although painful, are what shrink everything up (which is why many women who do not breastfeed still look 6 months pregnant months after baby).
So how do I talk to someone who's the stereotypical manly man that is emotionally unavailable because feelings are feminine and pride, etc.
>he's really not acting like a person who just had a kid should.
I agree, but he's getting SO much better. I can't expect him to change overnight. Right now he's scouring the market for an SUV, trading in one of his precious BMW's (they're all 2-doors, which makes it difficult to use a carseat with).
We used to go out to bars all the time (up until I was 8 months or so) and now he only drinks a glass of red wine at home. Baby steps.
I'm a busy body indeed, and when I'm not busy I'm prone to bouts of depression and self-destructive behavior. But right now baby needs to be fed every hour, which makes it hard to get much done. I also won't have my car for about a month.
>tell your husband that expressing himself is not a fucking sign of weakness.
it's not that easy to change his mind about something that's deeply embedded in his mind and culture.
Your motherly instincts are overloaded, and he has a to do a lot of work to support you both. Shit will get more difficult. If it helps, send him a very nice text or a sexy selfie to lighten his mood and maybe get a reply.
>But right now baby needs to be fed every hour, which makes it hard to get much done.
Well yeah, that's why I half-jokingly suggested you should read a book. Surely there's something to do that will keep you entertained and allow you to take care of the baby at the same time.
Anyways, it sounds like there's not much to do about your husband and since he's affectionate when he is around and doesn't ignore your cries it seems fine to me. You just had your baby, you're probably still a bundle of emotions, you should just ... well deal with it and see if the depression continues after a month or so.
nobody's clean after a full day of pissing and shaking it off, plus sweat. yeah you would probably be able to tell if someone had been on his dick, and might be able to tell if there was residual cum or pre in his underwear. I guess OP could offer to take a sexy shower/bath with him and sexily undress him in a way that gets her close enough for a good look/whiff without having to taste a day's worth of ball funk and whatever didn't drip off in 2 quick shakes.
hell, you don't know, maybe he's staying late at the office to fap so he doesn't have to put a strain on her. but it also does sound like he's avoiding being at home. the transition to being a parent is never easy, and it being unplanned probably makes it harder.
OP basically there is nothing wrong with your husband but he's not fine either.
Men kind of only become fathers when their kid is actually born, unlike women who start feeling like mothers the moment they think they're pregnant. Your husband just now suddenly became a father and it messed him up. It's a lot of responsiblity, he's suddenly not a free bird anymore, he could feel trapped by circumstances. No wonder he's acting stressed out, whho wouldn't be.
I have absolutely nothing to base this on but I suspect he might be smoking as a way of 'acting out' - showing that he can still do shit the way he wants it, when he wants it.
Now, he's probably going to end up getting into his role as a father after a while - nearly all men do. But this is going to take time and it's mostly something that he has to do by himself. Pushing it on him will only freak him out more because he'll become too confronted whole being a dad thing. He's kind of running from you and the kid, yes. But he'll come back. In a few months he might have gotten used to his new position and accept it.
When I had my kid when I was 24 I used to go to the car wash 3 times a week just to not be at home. Two years later, I haven't washed my car since december.
also for the record I say this as someone who is perfectly willing to slobber all over my husband's washed cock. I do not have an aversion to blowjobs and the only reason I don't give more of them is my tmj. I just don't like the taste of piss, is all.
seconding this, said it way better than I did
I'm half American half Hungarian.
My husband is Russian-born, but part Polish, Ukrainian, and Russian. Our daughter is a euro mutt. She looks so much like him though, if I hadn't seen her come out of me with my own two eyes I would've demanded a maternity test.
Thank you...I feel a lot better. It's highly likely that I'm over-reacting. Hormones will do that. When I was pregnant I'd have vivid day dreams about insignificant things like people cutting me off in the grocery store line, and I'd be in tears over it, talking to myself while on the toilet. Crazy shit.
Glad I could help! Now I'm going to proceed and masturbate to your picture, hope you don't mind.
This sounds so much like him. Thank you so much anons, with this perspective I actually think he's handling this fantastically. The only thing I disagree with is:
>women who start feeling like mothers the moment they think they're pregnant.
It really didn't hit me until I gave birth. I mean, I was very healthy during my pregnancy, but I was in school and 100% preoccupied with my studies so I didn't even have time to think about motherhood. Could have to do with the fact that I'm only recently 22, and that it was unplanned.
I really don't want to jump the gun on the cheating suspicions. Those kinds of thoughts can really fuck you up trust-wise. Also those who are suspicious are usually the guilty ones...
I know this sounds horrible but if he did do something I just pray that I never find out about it.
I don't mind the smell/taste of unwashed cock, unless I can smell it before I take the undergarments off. When I surprised him at 3 in the morning with a blowjob he had some stank and salt. Really not an issue, he is uncut, so it has a sort of self-cleaning mechanism....or is it the other way around...
this is 4chan so I assume you mean the picture of my baby.
whoops fucked up the replies
I'd say putting your face here is the worse idea, babies all look the same anyway. But what if your mom/spouse/coworker/someone finds out you're using this filthy degenerate imageboard to talk about your inner struggles?
Because she's fucking adorable and I love to show her off. What are they gonna do? Masturbate? Cool, people can do that to stock photos, Facebook pictures, or Pampers commercials. It doesn't steal a piece of the baby's soul every time some edgy neckbeard pretends to be a pedo for kicks.
Not trying to be rude but there are a lot of sickos on the Internet and 4chan really isn't the best place to post pictures of yourself, partner and child. I mean look at the shitty advice you been getting s far (well most of it was). Did you get his permission to out your offspring to bunch of strangers?
I know you are just lonely, you could have had this thread without the pictures. Some if not all threads(?) get archived, meaning this will stay on the Internet for a while.
Doesn't have anything to do with gender, stop generalizing. I seen guys post their Visa card on here, strangers asking to get the numbers on the back. Stupidity isn't a female thing.
Show her off somewhere else, not on fucking 4chan. The fact that you're putting unnecessary pictures of yourself and your baby on here just proves that you're massively attention starved.
Honestly you both sound extremely emotionally unstable and not in touch with yourselves and in constant need of some substitute activity not to destroy yourselves. He found it in sex and alcohol and smoking. Till you were pregnant, it gave him a purpose not to smoke, but now that purpose is gone, sex deprivation just adds to that. Like you, he needs something to keep his mind busy or in constant delirium. You both should get in touch with yourselves because this is not emotionally healthy and it will be bad for the kid.
>Is it possible that he doesn't want to be around me because he wants to take his mind off of his horniness?
>Could smoking have anything to do with that?
You two will be fine. He'll need time to adjust. He's prolly just now becoming aware that he's a father and he has to get his shit 100% together.
>It is true that he's always been a workaholic
Seems to me that he isn't black. At least you can be reasonably sure he won't bolt.
>>Is it possible that no sex for 6 weeks is really that hard on him, or does it sound like something else?
Having a child is overwhelming for the both of you, huge change in life. He is probably just stressed out.
Do you have energy to join any activity during the day? Activity for mothers? There must be something in your area you can do, it's good to get some air and get out of the house. Sounds like you need to get your mind on something else in between all the nursing and baby. Don't putt all your energy into worrying about him or nurturing him, nurture you also.
Being inside all day alone with a baby sounds very hard, maybe he didn't change as much as you think he did? Everything changed.
You people are fucking awful. I mean, I get that this is the site where you're supposed to act like edgy teenagers, but being so hostile with it leads to nothing good, fun or entertaining.
At the end of the day this is an imageboard, it's purpose is to socialize, a place to talk about things you like and things you are interested in. And it just might so happen that mothers really like their babies.
It's not about being edgy, I generally think it's terrible netiquette to post pictures children online. Same goes for facebook and 4chan, or mothers blogging about their children. You do realize that children are tiny people right? You do realize that they will grow up and are able to track years and years of Internet history their mothers forced on them. This is important, reflect on it a little more please.
>Because she's fucking adorable
You are legally obligated to say that because she fell out of your womb. She's mediocre at best.
>my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby
That's prolly the reason he stays out of the house as much as he can and took up smoking again.
Post pics of yourself with your tits halfway all you want, whatever, no one's stopping you. I'm also a new mom, and I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable posting pictures of my baby on 4chan.
I mean, I can see it on facebook where information remains posted and you know the identity of the poster, but how in the hell do you imagine someone tracking down a 4chan post from years ago?
And besides, do you think anyone could recognize themselves when shown a picture of their 0 years old self?
That's really not the point, strangers shouldn't get access to photos of your baby/children. Only close friends and family should. Closed network of trusted people.
TOP TIPS FOR SAFER SHARING ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Know your privacy settings
It is amazing how many parents leave on their Instagram location settings. Set your location settings to off if you do not want people to be able to figure out where you and your children live.
Only share with people who care
Ask yourself if all the people you're sharing your photos with really want to see them and will they protect them in a way you would.
Explore private social networks
Private social networks offer a secure way to share the pictures of your children with your family and friends.
Don't take any digital photos
Ultimately the only way to be 100 per cent sure that you don't have a digital footprint is not to have any digital photos taken but this isn't a road the vast majority of people want to go down.
>roasties posting on my /adv/
>roastie MOMS posting on my /adv/
Fuck off cunt, back to tumblr/facebook.
Not that anon, but...
>how in the hell do you imagine someone tracking down a 4chan post from years ago?
Archive 4 plebs
>do you think anyone could recognize themselves when shown a picture of their 0 years old self?
Yes. I've been subjected to more than enough of going through family photo albums that I can recognize pics of myself as a baby.