I think she's just mad at me, like I did this to her, she feels betrayed, like I didn't hide it from shame and guilt, and scared/powerless because she can't make me not have cravings and cave in. and she gets argumentative when she's scared and therefore mad. I've been sober for about six months before about 5 days ago. I stupidly came to her and admitted it because I felt very guilty and ashamed, and felt like it was the right thing to do. This has happened many times before (me relapsing and her finding out, though usually she just finds out on her own since I go hard like hunter s Thomson). This was clearly the wrong move, I should have just gone to meetings secretly or something.
Anyway she's being fucking incorrigible. She's repeating the same rhetoric (drugs don't help with ur issues, anon) x1000. Every time I express an idea or opinion she disagrees with me but in an extremely cunty and passionate way. I basically feel like I can't do anything but agree with her because she refuses to hear my point of view since I'm a drug addict and she's older and knows better.
For example, I had a bag full of drugs that I let her know about because I'm an idiot and was being honest, and she HAD to dispose of it herself. I don't understand why I couldn't myself and show her the empty bag to prove I wasn't doing anything janky. It made me feel ashamed and it made her feel "powerless" over it. I guess she's referring to my powerlessness over the drugs.
I have a potential abscess on my radial vein, so I went to /opi/ to ask if it was indeed an abscess, if it'll go away without having to go to a doctor, etc. I told her about their advice and she angrily dismissed all of their opinions because they're drug addicts so they automatically don't know what they're talking about. Look at their advice on opi, it's fucking reasonable and practical advice.
Anyway I feel like she's being very confrontational and overly argumentative, and doesn't understand what I'm trying to convey and saying. Jesus Christ she won't stfu so I gtg. I'm just venting I don't expect anyone to read this
Sounds like your mom is exactly the type of person to raise a mal-adjusted drug addict, not that that excuses you of responsibility, but keep that in mind when interacting with her.
She sounds like a retard and you should probably avoid her and seek professional help until you are through with your drug addiction.
Long story short the latest studies into addiction come to show that the determining factor as to whether you get addicted to a substance or some kind of behaviour (gambling, shopping, etc) is whether or not you have a healthy emotional support system. A place where you are welcome and accepted, all parts of you without condition. Unfortunately this is pretty rare in the western world.
As for me, there were certain parts of me that were rejected and denied existed, such as my anger and my depression which are just as much a part of my as my happiness and joy. Whenever I brought that to the table I was being difficult and dismal and too sensitive and I was whining etc, etc. I was pretty much told I feel fine and any kind of behaviour that deviated from that idea was me being weird, crazy, something wrong with me, etc, according to them. I think had these feelings been at least validated at the time it wouldn't have grown to fester on my heart in the years after that and it would just have been a passing thing instead of a life defining struggle. It is impossible to express into words the frustration that comes with trying to explain yourself but being met with a stubborn brickwall again and again.
"Anon why you behave like this"
"Well I feel like crap most of the time, nobody likes me and I don't see a point in anything"
"AWW NAW THATS NOT TRUE YOURE JUST LAZY AND ENTITLED JUST GET A JOB. WRONG ANSWER"
"No really I'm trying but I can't help it"
"WTF DID I JUST SAY"
"Well maybe if you'd just listen to me..."
"OH SO NOW YOURE BLAMING ME FOR IT AS WELL HUH YOU DISPICABLE SHIT? GO TO YOUR ROOM"
I got high because I had nowhere to take my sadness/anger/depression and had nowhere to talk to about it, where it was accepted as something I didn't choose but as something normal and human that just happens. A place where it's okay to not be excited all the time and be joyful about everything. Where you can talk about the nature of your addiction, WHY you need it.
It gets extra tricky in family situations because if you ask me a lot of the flaws, weaknesses and shortcoming they see in you, they also know within themselves, but they are in denial of it. I know my parents have had issues for as long as I've known them but no one talks about them and they pretend they're better than that shit. But then naturally, as kids imitate their parents, one day it's going to show in your behavior. I think in order to stay in denial they have to make it about you. "Ooh look at that that's so weird I wonder why he does that. That's so strange, must be a gear loose. let's analyze all his behaviour from a good safe distance and treat him like we're making a documentary about some strange exotic animal species" or something. Like they're better than that. Like you're crazy. Because they want to look perfect to the outside world. Because they're fucking ashamed of themselves.
It started off as a one off thing, soon it turned into a habit and before I knew it I was addicted. At first my mom didn't notice but it didn't take long before she did. For a long time we had kind of an unspoken "don't ask don't tell" rule. Again she denied the problem and just kind of left me to my own devices. But after a long time my addiction got the best of me to the point where I had pretty much lost all my friends, had no job or place to live and I was basically fucked. That's when I admitted all of it, and again tried to explain myself fruitlessly. I tried to tell her that I feel miserable all the time and this is my only way of feeling normal (not even good). Her response was denying all and any involvement. She gets so distant and impersonal when it's about shit like this. Suddenly she doesn't know you anymore and you're on your own.
More than anything I want to talk about why I do it; that it doesn't kill the pain anymore and that she was never there whenever you were going through tough times but she was always the first in line whenever good vibes were being passed around. I'm furious at her but whenever I get angry with her my word's not good for it because hey, I'm a fucking junkie. "This must be the drugs talking. This isn't Anon I'm talking to right now. His judgement and thinking are clouded. But I know what he's really thinking. Yeah, I'm miles ahead of him. I know him better than he knows himself". Projection. Again her own shit that she's in denial of coming up. She treats you like a case on Dr. Phil. A mental patient. Nuts. Not like a human being or anything.
That's what you get with that shame circle, that stigma around addiction. You want to express the anger/depression/whatever that's behind the addiction, fueling it. But your word isn't worth shit as long as you're addicted. You want to get out of it and in order to do so you need to work through some painful feelings, but you can't as long as you're addicted. It's a vicious circle.
I think in order to properly empathize or at least validate what you're feeling and support you, they need to reach down into the same nitty gritty and address similar issues within themselves. But they won't admit to their flaws because they are too deeply ashamed of them, and are projecting that onto you now, shaming you for it, in stead of helping you with it and admitting they know that feel. That would mean they can't pretend to be god anymore.
Damn this is getting long so let me wrap up
What you fail to recognize is that you have used up her faith in you. She's angry because she's hoped for you too many times and been disappointed too many times. She wanted to destroy the drugs herself because she honestly and painfully had to admit to herself that she didn't trust you to do it. She's unsympathetic because she's just plain run out of sympathy.
You can win her back. It's very simple. Just don't disappoint her again and again.
Look...They will always find ways to make you look bad to make themselves look good. Don't let them fuck with your head. Remember they can't look inside your head and you're the final judge of yourself. They're never going to change. They need you to be "weird" so in contrast they feel "normal", because they are afraid someone will think the same of them. I doubt if they even notice doing any of this sometimes.
I for one, commend you on having gotten this far, admitting your weaknesses and trying to work with them is something they would never do. That takes great courage. This is the other side of the medal they refuse to see. This is the actual YOU underneath all your behaviour. They're never going to spotlight your victories no matter how big or small, only your defeat, and if you believe that toxic shit you start believing that defeat is all there is to you. Admitting your problems and seeking help takes great modesty, humbleness and strength. They're going to mock you for it, shame you for it, as if they're perfect. They're not going to support you or change and they're going to absolutely suck every step of the way. They're going to want to make you believe you're sick and crazy. Don't listen to them. You know the truth. Do it for yourself. Quit to make your own life better not for what your mom will think. They're not helping or even trying to help. They're just dead weight so fuck em. Why still be so concerned with what they have to say? They're full of shit! All of this frustration and anger and energy put into THEIR concerns, you haven't even STARTED talking about what you need from them.
If they keep holding you back or are not helping you reach your goal, don't feel guilty about moving on. It's your life we're talking about after all, you don't have time to wait up for them.
Hope this helps. Sure got something off of my chest myself, hope it can do something for you too. I hope it turns out well for you anon <3 much love and strength
There's a couple of reasons I use.
For one, I found the corpse of my girlfriend in our apartment after she shot herself in the head. Ever since its been impossible to have a normal conversation or trust anybody (constant state of paranoia), which leads us to two...
I'm extremely lonely. I'm not accepted or liked by anyone, even my parents. Sure they love me, but they don't like me. Not a single person outside of my family gives a flying fuck about me. Case in point: a tornado his my town about 1 mile away. guess who called to see if I was ok? nobody. but my mom refuses to believe it.
>i have no friends (someone to connect with)
>YES YOU DO COLBY, BIANCA (two old old old best frends)
>They don't call or text anymore, they won't respond to my texts
>WELL YOU SHOULD CALL THEM YOU PUSHED THEM AWAY
ok mom you're right you're right
Christ Almighty. Then she acts like its this moral failing on my part. hell, maybe it is, but it's so good not to feel bad
I feel the same way, very lonely. Not because I don't see enough people but because I can't seem to express myself, or at least it's rarely understood. I am fortunate enough to have one good friend who sticks with me through thick and thin. I just wish there was more I could do for him because he's gonna run out of patience at some point.
One thing that sucks about depression is that you're almost never excited about anything and it's very understandable that you're not very appealing or attractive. In any case it's never as simple as
>WELL YOU SHOULD CALL THEM YOU PUSHED THEM AWAY
explicitly making it YOUR mistake. It may indeed be a mistake on your part but again they could also commend you on seeing that mistake and working with it as opposed to blaming (like your mom does) your friends for it and never learning from your mistake.
Also, I give a fuck about you. I just spent 45 minutes trying my best to come up with some advice that might be useful to a total stranger because I can relate to your post and I know how awful that can feel.
Sure, they're your parents, but that doesn't take away that they're just people too. Just like everyone else. The only difference is they didn't need to establish trust with you because it was already there for free when you were born. It would be nice if they could return the favor.
Whether they don't trust you because you fail, or you fail because they don't trust you...well, that shit goes two ways. But just try explaining that to them.
Thanks man. I'm glad we can relate on this.
What bothers me is now I have to expend all this energy worrying about what SHES thinking and what SHES feeling and how i should go about making HER happy, when really I should be doing and thinking about shit that will help me to not do this shit again.
and it's not even about having any friends for me, or at least that's what I tell myself, it's about being able to express and show someone who I am and have it be accepted. But I'm ugly, inside and out. An emotional cripple. wahh, poor me.