Any you guys have advice on how to be less jealous?
I'm a very possessive person when it comes to my women. Very type A control freak.
I currently have a friends with benefits, there are absolutely mutual feelings, but we aren't dating. The only commitment is sexual exclusivity. Doubtful she's seeing other men in a similar manner, as we fought recently and she came crawling back horny as fuck after I ignored her for a few weeks.
I get angry as fuck when she'll share intimate pictures of herself on social media and I can't really say anything my social media presence is as a physique competitor; everything is shirtless or flexing or both.
So not to strain what I feel is a worthwhile arrangement how do I adjust or cope with these feelings? I absolutely feel she's my woman and I make that abundantly clear. She's done nothing to break my trust either.
As an aside she embraces this aspect of me. It really adds to our physical chemistry.
However, as a much younger woman than myself she values her freedom and ability to say/do/see the things that she wants. I really just don't need to be adding strain to relationship that is important to me.
I'll over analyze and be critical of details that are of no importance simply because I don't have the ability to make people act how I expected them in my head.
Honestly, there ain't much to do besides what you're already doing: Analyzing your behaviour and being critical of how you deal with the relationship.
Estabilish that she has not given you reason to doubt her and communicate when something makes you unconfortable, as long as you're sure it's not about mere insecurity. If you take the whole thing seriously, and are sure that she feels the same way, this basically about accepting trust is a part of any commitment.
Anyway, pretty sure being "exclusive friends with benefits" qualifies as dating. Defining the relationship properly seems logical at this point.
The need to control comes out of insecurity and immaturity and fear. If you felt less vulnerable you would probably throw tantrums less often because of people not doing what you want. Therapy may help you feel more secure and able to accept people for who they are and meet them where they're at rather than trying to dominate them into doing what you want. Comments on 4chan are unlikely to unlock any significant change in your bad behavior.
I'm the opposite of you: I have never felt jealous over a woman. I value women who choose to be with me. I give them complete freedom, since to do otherwise would cheapen the experience and rob me of feelings of validation. It doesn't mean anything for a woman to be with me simply because I've trapped her somehow. But if she can do as she pleases but still chooses to wake me up with a blowjob, well that says something about my worth as an attractive man. I like that. Then again I've never had much trouble getting with women, perhaps it is different for the perennially hard up.
You would probably enjoy life more in general if you accepted fully your complete inability to control people around you. If you really just have got to control your sex life then pay for hookers, don't trouble normal women with your failure to reign in your childish need to dictate the lives of others.
We've hashed out the details. We're both recently out of long term relationships. She's built some walls emotionally where she's admitted she doesn't want to invest in that capacity with anyone. I'll call bull shit though because our sex since we started seeing other again is less "fucking" and more "connecting".
The signs are definitely there. I communicate is very strange broad terms mostly because I dislike opening up.
A lot of progress has been made on that front. You're right though, I just don't want to be beating a dead horse. Especially over minor inconsistencies. A lot of it very obviously stems from insecurity which is reasonably unfounded, she came back to me after all.
However conversations where she'll elaborate on spending time with other men knowing they want to date her makes me boil. She's very cut and dry with them and at the end of the day, I'm the man she's spending 2-3 nights a week with.
I never really understood this (probably related to my autism)
Can you explain in detail why you feel this way?
Like how do you see the other person in the relationship and how do you see them in relation to yourself?
Do you fully understand they are a separate being that you only have limited to no real control over?
And at no point do they ever actually belong to you, nor are truly under your control since at the end of the day they are free individuals who can and will do whatever they want?
This other person you are in a relationship with is a not you nor belongs to you and is not a object. They have free will and agency. You need to adapt your views with that understanding or you are setting up both you and your pardner for pain and suffering in the future.
I have not put any constraints on this woman's life or bring it up often at all. "Trapping" as you say is not my intention. I very cleanly let her walk away. Getting with women is definitely not an issue either; I'm fantastic at getting laid, I'm just stupid when it comes to feelings.
You make absolutely worthwhile points though and I should investigate why I feel vulnerable. It's not as if I do not trust her to make solid value judgments. I'm simply an asshole.
These are all simple questions, I really don't want to control her.
This discussion is about how I can put aside these possessive feelings for my own well being.
In regards to how she feels or how I view her? I have no interest in monopolizing a woman's time when I'm not a priority. She very much values her ability to see the people she wants and so what she wants with them. Stopping her from doing that would eat away our relationship, which I do not want. Obviously she matters more to me than just a hole to fill.
>The need to control comes out of insecurity and immaturity and fear
Not always, it's a legit personality trait in some people. You just seem like a narcissist.
>You would probably enjoy life more in general if you accepted fully your complete inability to control people around you
This is useful OP. Life is a fluid process and things are not set in stone. There's almost always a way to steer yourself back to where you want to go even if others don't go with you.
>Not always, it's a legit personality trait in some people.
It's a personality trait rooted in insecurity. If you aren't afraid of people misbehaving you have no need to control.
>You just seem like a narcissist.
Is that what security looks like to the insecure? It's just the reality of my life. I'm not worried about women leaving me. They rarely do.
Very solid, thank you.
You seem to be misunderstanding the issues. I'm not afraid of being left. I'm afraid of fucking up a worthwhile investment due to what could be perceived as negative behavior, despite her having no issues with it.
Some people go on to /adv/ to feel good about themselves.
Of those, some feel good by trying to help, others feel good by comparing themselves to people they think they're better than.
Not all criticism is to be ignored, but this if 4chan after all.