How do you get past trauma? I was assaulted by my boyfriend, and he just keeps escalating his behaviour since he got out of jail. I've had to change my phone number and I've been staying at my parents place, but he just keeps escalating. I don't eat unless I really force myself, I barely sleep. I haven't been going to work.
I've been in contact with victim services, and I'm waiting to hear back from them about counseling, but just what do I do? I've been in contact with either my worker or the police because of something new he's done nearly every day since he got out of jail. I feel like I can't go to work because I need to be around to damage control. I almost made it to work today, but when I was making my lunch I suddenly couldn't stop shaking and even though I tried to calm down I started throwing up.
My worker told me that abusers will do this to try to get a reaction, and it's working. I don't know what to do, and I can't miss any more work. I can't live like this, feeling out of control of my body and mind. What do I do? I don't have any money, I'm trying to wait for the free services I can get. I wish I had someone to talk to.
We share a workplace. Every day it's been something else to report. He posted my phone number to Craigslist soliciting sex, emailed pictures of him slitting his wrists to me and family members. He lied to his family about me threatening to hurt my cat, and more.
I'm scared that he's going to post the addresses of my family, or my address or show up at work and try to take my things since we don't have locked lockers. He's upset and I don't know what else he's capable of. He doesn't act rationally when he's angry.
why does he think that?
you said in the OP that he assaulted you yet you both work at the same place? Shouldn't there be a restraining order against him if he assaulted you and you got the police involved?
I hope to god you're looking for another job. Maybe it would be a blessing in disguise if you were let go from there.
What does your manager say about this? I hope they are willing to take this seriously and have him fired and possibly banned from the premises if he does something. Maybe even before he does something (though they may not be able to do anything with just your say-so). At the very least, they should give him a talking-to about workplace harassment, if not for your benefit, then for theirs. And if he were to get violent at work, that is a safety issue that they should be concerned about.
Maybe if your manager can't do anything else, they can put you on leave (paid or unpaid) while you look for something else and give you a good reference.
Well, it's a 40k square foot warehouse. I didn't think it was fair to mess with his employment because he needs the money for medical supplies. He's 25, he's not a child and I never expected him to act this way.
We've known each other since childhood and I've never known him to be malicious like this. Looking back there were a lot of warning signs that he was being controlling and jealous, but I felt I had to take care of him. He's a cancer survivor, and I don't think he's ever really dealt with what happened. Its disgusting that I'm still making excuses for him, but I can't help it. He needs his job and I won't take it away from him.
I'm trying to. There isn't a lot of work around here, and my anxiety is making it hard to leave. No one is going to want to hire a sad sack, right? I have been trying, but I haven't had any calls back.
My boss has been supportive, when the first incident happened, he talked to me about workplace harassment and exactly who I should go to. I don't know what's stopping me from leaving.
>he's not a child
No, he's not, and as such unfortunately he's responsible for his actions, whether he's in control of them or not.
>He needs his job and I won't take it away from him.
Sounds like he's doing that just fine on his own. I appreciate that you guys have known each other for a long time and that he's been through some shit. It's fine to be concerned about his welfare. But at some point you have to look after yourself too.
>my anxiety is making it hard to leave. No one is going to want to hire a sad sack, right?
I can relate to that feeling. Keep trying. Something will turn up.
>he's ruining my life
>but I don't want him to lose his job
>even though he's harassing me at work, and making it impossible to do my job
>instead I'm going to quit my job and run away, even though I have no plans for re-employment, because well, he really needs the job, and I couldn't hurt him
>he's assaulted me, harassed my family, exposed me to online predators, but I could never report him for any of these things because then I'd be able to show up for work without fear of harassment
>if I keep running away, he'll leave me alone, right? If I keep running, they can't hurt me, right guys? R-right?
I really don't mean to be so harsh, but you're letting this guy walk all over you, and it's frustrating to witness. I watched my sister flush her life down the toilet like this for her abusive creep of a boyfriend, and it's not like he ever thanked her. It's not like he did anything but treat her worse, and worse, and worse. I really can't understand this mindset, where you'll stand there and watch this guy tear down everything you've worked for, and you just won't fucking stand up for yourself. You don't deserve to be treated like this, NOBODY does. It doesn't matter how many problems he has, because cancer survivor or not, all of this crazy-ass behavior is HIS CHOICE.
I feel ridiculous. I'm surrounded by people who are supporting me and I still can't leave anywhere I feel safe. I feel so stupid and crazy. It's fucking ridiculous and I'm so angry and frustrated with myself.
I've done all the right things, and I have contacted all of the right people every time something happens, but I can't even go to the freaking store because what if something happens when I'm gone? What the fuck?
You aren't thinking strait and you shouldn't have to. Pick somebody who loves you that you trust, and let them make ALL your decisions in your life, because you aren't capable of doing so right now (and that's ok, as long as you recognize it and plan accordingly). If you had money this would be your lawyer and therapist, but since you don't it will have to be a friend or parent. You don't have to make an decisions alone!!
You probably have post traumatic stress, and yeah, it can lead to anxiety that's out of proportion to the immediate situation. But you're not stupid or crazy. You've been through some shit and your mind and body are acting instinctively.
I would do this >>16770743 at least for the time being, and just concern yourself with getting through each day and hour as best you can and staying as far away from him as possible.
The short version is he got drunk, tried to throw me out of my apartment by my hair, and broke my hand.
He has, and I understand him feeling betrayed but this shit is not okay. It hurts me everytime I have to file a new incident report.
I just wonder who the fuck is going to want to hire someone who has to take time off work for all of this crazy? I feel crazy. My family is supportive, bit we don't really talk about our feelings.
No, you're right. It's something that I have been saying over and over in my head, that I'm not responsible for his behaviour and I need to move forward. And I have been reporting him to the police. It's easy to say leave, but it's hard when you've been someone's caregiver.
I'm trying to make a break. I'm trying to get well, and move past all of this. I'm struggling because I'm emotionally involved.
Not to double post, but incidentally this was why I asked if you could take leave from your job, either paid or unpaid. I doubt it would count as "family leave" but maybe they can make an allowance for you to remain technically employed there for a bit while not actually working there anymore. That way you could have a bit of breathing room and time to look for work.
Tell your boss what's been going on and that you don't feel safe! Get him removed or yourself transfered to another position. Buy a small handgun and get a ccw. Learn to use it.
This shit only ever escalates and he doesn't sound rational enough to back off if you get a restraining order (which you absolutely need to do).
I could ask my grandmother, but I feel bad. She wouldn't hesitate but I'd feel like I was taking advantage of her because she doesn't know the whole story, and I don't want to tell her. If she knew she would be so worried it might affect her health, but it might be my only option at this point, since I've missed so much work.
My boss doesn't really know about the new things. I haven't been to work in about a week and a half, except for one day that I knew he couldn't be there and I didn't stay the whole day. There is a restraining order where he isn't allowed to contact me, but the police are so slow to respond to matters and check them out. There is also only so much they can do when it comes to Internet contact, from what they've told me.
I also live in Canada, so there is very limited access to firearms, nor would I be comfortable with one.
I can totally understand that if you were his caregiver, you'd definitely be invested in his success. Its almost like you have lingering feelings that if he fails, you've failed, right?
The thing is, its no longer about what you want, its about what you need. You owe yourself a whole lot of love and care right now, and its ok to lean a bit on the people in your life. In fact, you owe it to the people who care about you to survive this and get better. Plus that way, you'll be able to return the favour and be there for them when they need you. I know its tough but try not to get frustrated with yourself, you probably have some ptsd and it sounds like you are a sane, intelligent and caring person who is doing their best. You need some loving help from gentle, sweet people right now. Don't be shy to ask for some
Poor dear. :(
I've experience trauma and currently have PTSD. Luckily for me, my ex is still in jail.
The police have been absolutely AMAZING with everything, I highly recommend talking to them in depth about your options. What he is doing isn't ok, and you don't have to put up with it. The law is on your side.
Also, i'm not sure which country you are from... But if you are in Australia, physiologists are covered by medicare now.
Otherwise, there are places like Beyond Blue, or headspace which were always free.
So the police won't defend you, and you can't defend yourself, and this guy will probably go into a violent rage if you get him fired, and you can't go to work if he's there. So what the fuck are you supposed to do? Canada sucks. You really have my sympathy, that's a tough situation.
What did he do that got him sent to prison, if you don't mind me asking? Did you report him for assaulting you? Because from the way you described it, that sounds like the kind of thing that should put a recently-released convict right back in jail. And honestly, that's where this guy belongs, and the sooner you accept it the better off you'll be.
I understand how hard it is to let go when you love someone, but he's using your love against you. He knows how you feel about him, and he uses it to hurt and manipulate and threaten you. You'll never be able to fix his problems, and as long as he's around in your life, he'll never stop creating problems for you. At a certain point, you just have to tell yourself that you deserve better than this. It's not your responsibility to throw your life away for this scumbag. Reporting him to your boss and getting him fired would be the right thing to do. He's committed fireable offenses, and he's fucking with your ability to live your life.
I'd suggest reporting him to your boss for everything that's been going on, go somewhere safe in case he loses his shit, and if he does, try to get him arrested.
>He needs his job and I won't take it away from him.
YOU need your job. His behaviour is taking your job away from YOU.
He is not your responsibility. He may need help, but you are in no position to be the one to help him. You need to look out for yourself, and if that means getting him fired, then that's that. At the end of the day, he's the one causing problems.
>No one is going to want to hire a sad sack, right?
Think about this.
You are allowing your workplace to prioritise the employ a criminal who has assaulted you, over the employ of his victim whose productivity has been hampered by his actions.
You are not the problem here. You are not the one that should be having these issues.
Do. not. accept. this.
I think changing everything, phone number, address(even temporary) and work place might help you feel more secure. Also, telling no one about your plans besides those who you trust immensely.
I'd suggest get a letter of recommendation from your boss and get a new job out of town. But don't forget to not tell anyone about your new job. Or anyone anything. lol
Fuck that. Are you serious? You'd let some tantrum-throwing violent manchild chase you away from your whole life, your friends, your job, your home? You think you aren't gonna meet any bad people in your new life? What then, run away again?
I think he spends a lot of time pushing down his feelings. The alcohol was the catolist, but he has issues. I hope that the police and the court system will help him realize that there are consequences and that he will get help. Alcohol can't be blamed for everything.
You're right. I've tried so hard to help him every step of his recovery, but it just got worse and worse. When he first got out of jail, he had a medical emergency and I just went to him even though I knew it was illegal and it was the wrong thing to do. Since then, I've been trying to put the boundaries in place and break away, even though it hurts.
I don't want to worry anyone, or burden anyone. It's tough because I've never been in trouble. I'm trying to do all of the right things even though it feels like I'm just kicking someone who is already down, you know? I can't just stop loving someone, that's not how feelings work and I'm trying my best to be firm. It's taking a toll. It's helping talking about it, thank you.
If the police aren't doing anything, and he's escalating? Not only was he in jail, but he also broke her hand and hurting himself and threatening her. He's probably going to murder her then kill himself.
I would rather pick up my things, move out of town until he gets over his, "Obsess over me" phase or wait until he gets a new victim (who he'll also probably kill) than be killed.
Also, why are you so mad? And what's so wrong with changing your number and job if the guy is so obviously insane and likely to explode and kill her.
Side note: OP, your case is text book. You should watch the show about stalkers, I forget the name, but every case of there sounds like yours.
The police have been working really hard, and they've kept me updated every step of the way. It's just the way the system works. They need to know absolutely that it was him calling or emailing or posting. They have to be sure, and I don't fault them for that.
I live in Canada, most mental health things aren't covered.
I haven't heard back from the police about his recent breaches, but his first assault was giving me a black eye just before Christmas. He was mad about a male coworker making stupid jokes and me laughing literally at his stupidity while saying he was and idiot. My boyfriend had been drinking, and telling me that I'm a cheater. He wouldn't stop yelling and grabbing at me and throwing me against the walls.
The second time, it was just a couple of weeks ago. He had a medical emergency and even though we weren't supposed to be in contact, I got sucked in. I made sure he was okay, then he asked if he could get some stuff from my apartment later. Long story short, he showed up drunk and crying and apologetic. I let him stay, because he was so sad and threatening to hurt himself. It eventually got out of control and he tried to force me out of my apartment by my hair and broke my hand.
You are right. I'm falling back into trying to be his care giver. Its his fault he's a felon. I shouldn't worry about him not finding another job. Thank you.
I changed my phone number. The problem is that he knows where my family lives, and their numbers. It's just harassment at this point.
Always blame the guy... He's a psycho.. right...
There's a reason they got together, and there's a reason he's doing that shit. This bitch pissed him off somehow. Can't keep her mouth shut? Can't say yes? Keeps pestering about useless shit? Flirts with others? Talks and meets new guys? Plenty of shit women do, always take what the person says with a grain of salt..
I'm sure the reason she's a woman and she exists, hahah.
Obvious troll is obvious.
None of that shit justifies the kind of abuse OP is talking about. You could just LEAVE a woman that does things like that, you don't hit her and stalk her and harass her and make her life hell. Grow the fuck up, nobody wants to hear this dumbass ignorant shit from you
I emptied his colostomy bag when he was in the hospital after his surgery. I have literally cleaned up his shit after bag failure, and never once complained. I have bought him medical supplies and been his advocate when it was literally illegal for me to speak with him. Do not tell me that his issues are my fault when I have been nothing but supportive. He needs help.
So you did a good did once, because you feel sorry for him? That doesn't explain anything.
Yes i agree with >>16770938
however, i'd still like you to tell us the things you did that pissed him off (from your limited perspective anyhow)
He would control the way I dressed at work. If I wore anything other than the outfits he picked out, which were a tank top underneath a tshirt with an oversized sweater he would get angry. I was allowed to tie the sweater around my waist.
A couple of days he got mad at me because "my ass was hanging out" when I wore a sweater that didn't cover my ass when I was wearing it. Once I made the mistake of wearing a pullover sweater and he said that I was "stripping" because my stomach briefly showed when I took it off.
He couldn't stand when any male would ever talk to me, and it didn't start out that way. Over the course of the year since his surgery he's gotten more and more suspicious to the point where me supposedly talking to my coworkers or even family members is cheating even though we lived together and he was with me almost 24 hours a day. We worked together, we lived together. Nothing was going on other than his drinking and paranoia.
He also hated that I made more money than him. He would never admit it but he hated me taking care of him.
His cancer was a shock, it was only four months after he started having symptoms that we found out he had colon cancer. It was a week after being told he'd need surgery that he was booked for surgery. It's been a year of him increasingly hating his body, being more and more jealous and possessive, creating more and more rules while I spend more and more time trying to take care of him and his mental well being.
But no, I obviously did shit to him.
oh god OP get as far away from him as you can, as fast as you can, as soon as you can. he is wrecking your life and you may have to start over somewhere else entirely different to get any peace from him. I am sorry.
you're describing a co-dependent relationship. It takes years to truly get over and fully process something that intense. The good news is you have all the qualities necessary to have a successful, fulfilling and awesome life. The bad news is you will have to spend years learning to forgive and love yourself before you can realize that reality. When I got out of a situation like that I spent a few years being single and cultivating meaningful friendships and support networks that wouldn't let me accept anything less than a life that I was self-consciously happy in and proud of. Its a painful and lonely investment, especially at first, but believe me it pays off in the long run
Your contact with victim support can help you get a restraining and do-not-contact order against him. If he does anything, he goes directly to jail. If he comes out an does it again, he goes back for longer. Sooner or later he gets the message.