So yesterday I was at a book launch, I was looking forward to it for a few weeks. I usually don't go out much, very busy with work after work (teacher). I married young, and wear a ring on my finger. It's very visible and I made no efforts in hiding it.
After the book launch I went to a bar with my friends and the author because it's so amusing to discuss things over a glass of wine. I have done so many times in the past and always enjoy myself so much. My husband works evenings so he usually can't join me on these events, though sometimes.
Well anyway I should get to the point, there was a young rather charming PhD "student" there hitting on me quite much and sorta getting in between the conversations we were having. I was being friendly and nice to the man, but that's it. I feel bad, almost like i tricked him or perhaps I was sending out the wrong message by laughing at his jokes. They were actually quite funny, oh god it was so confusing and awkward. I tried almost pointing at the ring when holding my glass, but he didn't seem to take the hit.
I tried to fix the situation by talking about my husband and our anniversary, the trip we have been saving for and so on. But he didn't seem to either understand it or hear it, I am unsure how to interpret it really. Then he got drunker and drunker and started to slightly touch my knee, probably to test the water. I pulled away, then he attempted to get mad eye contact with me many times. I started to get nervous, and didn't quite know what to do at all really. It resulted in him getting more drunk, then seemingly giving up on whatever he was trying to do and left in a bad mood not even saying goodbye to anyone.
I am confused, is this my fault? Kinda is isn't it?
In the past when I was younger if I said I had a husband very early, guys would shout at me saying things like "do you think everyone wants you, stupid slut". If I said I had a husband too late they would say "you trickster, feeding off the attention you slut". What is even worse is when i was being super reserved and not laughing at a guys jokes he told me i was "mysterious and interesting".
Honestly I just want to drink wine and discuss intellectual things with my friends, have fun and talk. that's all. How do I not trick people into thinking I want something I don't? And why isn't my ring some sort of guy blocking invisible shield?
Nah, not your fault OP. Dude is a douchebag who wanted into your pants and doesn't care that you're married.
Now I'm a bit confused. Did you go to this bar with just this guy, or with a group of people?
If the former, you did send out a mixed signal to him, but he's still a dipshit for not taking the unsubtle hints of talking about your husband and pointing out your ring. If the latter, you're not to blame at all.
Now just something to consider. You seem to feel guilty about how this went. Is it because you might have enjoyed having a man flirt with you a bit? If that's the case, you should talk to your husband because you're missing some of the spark that attracted you to him in the first place.
good god. OP pussy is pussy makes no difference if it has a ring or not. In fact married women are easier than single women. Little boredom, little flattery and next time you are there and so is he and not so drunk you guys or another charming PhD student will be chatting it up again.
>Nah, not your fault OP. Dude is a douchebag who wanted into your pants and doesn't care that you're married.
Ahh ok, that could be it.
>Now I'm a bit confused. Did you go to this bar with just this guy, or with a group of people?
I joined the book launch with some old friends, we then joined the author of the book to a bar. The PhD "student" just joined along, so did some other strangers from the book launch. The fact that he joined us wasn't that strange really.
> Is it because you might have enjoyed having a man flirt with you a bit?
yeah I kinda did, I am not used to this type of attention. I love my husband very much, I was very happy seeing him when I came home and told him a short story what happened. He was slightly annoyed, but not towards me.
Why exactly? I never cheated on him in the past, seems quite absurd almost surreal to do that. We have a great marriage, its us against the world kind of bond. If he died I wouldn't want to be with a new man either.
I think the flattery is the fact that I am almost 30 with very average and boring looks. It's flattering that the opposite sex wasn't immensely bored with me. It's probably a mental thing of "still having it". Though no interest to pursue it, just a bit surprising really.
Are you really this retarded? Let's for a second imagine if the sitatuion was reversed you really want to go to a bar with your husband but can't make it. He goes with a group of friends and a cute young chick tags along. She brushes on his leg and laughs at his jokes all night, at the end of the night she tries to make a move on him and all he does is pull away and then comes home and tells you what happened.
You obviously love to feed off of attention and I dread to think what would happen if you were ever alone at a bar or mad at your husband. You already seem like the kind of shitty person to blame actions on booze 'h-h-he was so drunk he couldnt stop hitting on me. It's not his fault, it's cause of the beer'
I wasn't alone with him, he just sat next to me. I was trying to have a conversation with my friends and some writers. I would probably be jealous.
I really don't ever want to see him again, still "scared" he will try to add me on Facebook. Though he doesn't know my name, but he might be able to single me out from th event *internal scream*
If he does I will just block him.
here is the slippery slope. this guy is on your mind 24/7 now and you will be monitoring your fb and disappointed if he doesn't try to friend you. If he does I doubt you would block him but take the opportunity to know more and stay in contact. Didn't take much to flip your boat.
I wanted nothing to do with him, thats why i pulled away. It's not "mandatory" to cheat if people show interest in you. Not everyone actually cheats even if the Internet seems shows that as the truth. What was I supposed to do? Yell at him? Leave? I am allowed to go to a bar with my friends. I blame myself for not having good enough social skills to make the situation better. Because I feel like I shouldn't have been polite when he seemingly didn't understand that I wasn't available. Maybe I should have done something differently, I feel like I was wasting his time by not being a jerk. I don't know how to be a jerk, it's not my style. Maybe it should be.
It's not my fault your past partners cheated on you, that doesn't mean everyone does.
Your huspand must be glad that he has such a loyal wife. No one cares if you are married or not when they want to get into your pants, so pointing at ring and stuff like this will unlikely work. I would advice you not to blame yourself as it's a very common situation for those who are attractive. Just try to show that you are not interested in anything beyond a casual conversation in a more perceptible way.
>wanted nothing to do with him
>talked to him all night and only pulled away when he touched you instead of saying hard no
>thinking about him so much you go to an anonymous russian mobile digital image website to talk about him
>silly boyz dont hit on me
You seem young, immature and insecure. I like older women, and i hit on them. In the past, when i was unresponsable and despicable, i didn't care if they were married. Some were, and still went with me. Now, i still do prefer older women, but i respect relationships. Your charming student didn't seem to care that you were married, since it's more common for teachers (in my aknowledge) to be in relationships than not. It's usually pretty obvious when they aren't. And if this dude is as he looks, he did know you were married.
Now, back to you. You seemed to have enjoyed his attention. Your naive attitude, in your circumstances, is dangerous. Find a way to grow more accostumated to harassment, and learn to enter in conflitct if necessery. People like you turn into cheaters easily, or simply people whose husbands or wives couldn't (and rightfully so) trust, since cheating doesn't always mean kissing or going beyond, for the fact that you're not able to stand your ground. You're insecure, afraid of conflitct, flattered about the flirting the straight-fowardness. It's fine to feel flattered in your condition, but how you act on it, before, during and after the fact, specially regarding your husband, is where it gets tricky. Learn to stop being afraid of conflict, or you'll succumb to one, whoever and whatever it involves.
I talked to other people also, not just him. When I changed places to sit, he went to the bathroom and sat next to me yet again when he came back. The reason I came to advice is because I don't think it's very fitting for married women to go to a bar at all also don't have much experience with the bar scene at all. It wasn't my favorite thing to spend time on when I was younger either.
>You seem young, immature and insecure
I don't really see myself that way, insecure in that type of environment sure. Not generally in life, I always believed in myself. Not sure where you get the immature part, do you mean lack of experience?
> I didn't care if they were married. Some were, and still went with me
>And if this dude is as he looks, he did know you were married.
>Your naive attitude, in your circumstances, is dangerous.
Dangerous how? Do you mean cheating or that people would take advantage of me? I am not that naive that I would end up getting raped or something, I know the world isn't filled with only nice people.
>Find a way to grow more accostumated to harassment, and learn to enter in conflitct if necessery.
Thank you, this is great advice.
>Dangerous how? Do you mean cheating or that people would take advantage of me? I am not that naive that I would end up getting raped or something, I know the world isn't filled with only nice people.
All of the above and more. See how much you're doubting yourself, your actions, and people's intentions in and out of that bar. Everything you've told us reeks of insecurity and uncertainty. You can get raped, get taken advantaged of, and you can cheat, as much as the sluts i've wasted some time with in the past. The difference lies in the question; Will you? That's up to you. We choose what kind of person we are. We aren't static, there isn't ''it's just part of my personality to avoid conflict''. The world is full of conflict, and there are times, like when your husband's away, that you're alone, little girl. There's no daddy near you to protect you, no comfort zone for you to take shelter. It's because of those situations, in IN those situations, that you have to learn to fight, to stand up to yourself, to take conflict, to be aggressive and assertive if necessery. Be a big girl, don't give your husband reasons to be slightly annoyed at. Don't bug him with meaningless flirting some asshole does to you unless it can potentially turn into a problem of some kind rather than some random, one-time annoyance, this builds justifiable insecurity on his side since it reminds him the world is full of assholes and it shows him you're not able to deal with those as straight-forwardly, aggressively, clearly as them.
>People like you turn into cheaters easily, or simply people whose husbands or wives couldn't (and rightfully so) trust, since cheating doesn't always mean kissing or going beyond, for the fact that you're not able to stand your ground.
I understand, you mean emotional cheating? In a marriage people will always be flattered with other people, that's perfectly normal. Maybe even fall in love with other people, thankfully I never experienced that. Being faithful is in the end a promise and a choice, not everyone understands that. Humans are not swans by nature, thus why so many people cheat. Cheating is always a conscious choice, I still don't understand how people can look at it any other way. I been infatuated by other people while I was married yet never acted up on it, not even emotional cheating like sending messages. I made my choice and will stand by it until I die, it's that simple. I don't need approval from other men, i am not insecure in that way.
>You're insecure, afraid of conflitct, flattered about the flirting the straight-fowardness. It's fine to feel flattered in your condition, but how you act on it, before, during and after the fact, specially regarding your husband, is where it gets tricky. Learn to stop being afraid of conflict, or you'll succumb to one, whoever and whatever it involves.
Hm yes that's pretty accurate I am afraid of conflict. I told my husband about it when I came home, I tell him everything. I don't keep secrets from him. I guess in away I didn't want to hurt the stranger in case he misunderstood the fact that I am married. I should just have whispered something rude in his ear, that would probably have solved the situation.
You can cheat. Any cheating, ''emotional'', sexual cheating, full on penetration, anything. That's what i mean. You can the same way as anyone else can. If you will that's up to you. It's the fact that you ''can'' that worries your husband eventually, or anyone else dating someone.
You don't need to tell your husband everything unless it's something that he needs to know because it's bothering you A LOT, like a trauma, or something that is or can turn into a problem. Nothing else. Don't build mistrust on him out of nowhere. Also, Christ's sakes. You're insecure, accept this. You're feeling rather validated because some charming student hit on you and touched you. And there's no ''whispering something rude''. There is
>Hey, back off! What are you doing? I'm married, dude?
Loud and clear, aggressively and assertively. Don't be overly aggressive and don't fucking be that passive, i'd rather have an aggressive women that stood her ground than a passive one. Make your point CLEAR. You don't need to be a quiet , subtle rat everytime. And why would you be worried about hurting the student? It's none of your business his feelings, woman. He harassed you sexually. He HIT on you. Why do you care how this scumbag feels? Care about what your husband feels, for Christ's sake. Who the hell cares if he ends up crying because he got rejected by a married woman? Wouldn't you much rather made it clear how insignificant he is compared to your husband than going out fearing ''you didn't make it clear enough/he hurted his feelings/if you did the right thing''.
You didn't. You didn't acted ''correctly''. You acted like you would act, not like you should. That's the point. Work on those things. You don't have to please anybody other than those who go out of their way to please you. And even those. No one's entitled to good treatment. If there are two men you should be worrying about it'd be your father if he was a decent man and your husband. NO ONE ELSE'S FEELINGS.
Also. Once you become better, once you don't cheat and remain unwilling to cheat, for a lifetime as you've said, and only once, then you won't be able to cheat at all. But now you're nowhere near close to this level. Take your time to improve. while there is still time. This is but a very insignificant situation among a lot of bad ones that can destroy you if you keep those atitudes up.
I am sure I could cheat, I won't though. Then again I am not psychic, I understand your point.
I am not insecure at work or generally in life, I am however Insecure in situations like that. I won't accept something that isn't true, I have to stand my ground many times at work, specially for the children. I do have some core values there that can't be altered or affected, being insecure at a bar isn't the same as being an insecure person in general. I am able to do unconformable things, it's also required by state laws. I also don't find it particularly hard to say no to people at work, specially when they try to pile more work on me. It really depends on the situation.
When he touched my knee I thought "oh crap what do I do, i don't know, this is weird and then froze". It's not a good sign, I wish I would have done something differently.
>And why would you be worried about hurting the student?
Probably because I know many people are looking for companionship and are very lonely. I feel sorry for many people that way, some sort of twisted empathy perhaps. Being a woman makes it ridiculously easy to find a life partner IF you have social skills. Then again you are right, it's not my problem or fault that the world is uneven.
>You didn't. You didn't acted ''correctly''. You acted like you would act, not like you should. That's the point. Work on those things. You don't have to please anybody other than those who go out of their way to please you. And even those. No one's entitled to good treatment. If there are two men you should be worrying about it'd be your father if he was a decent man and your husband. NO ONE ELSE'S FEELINGS.
Yeah, that's another thing you are spot on about. That's very good advice.
Taken at face value, you shouldn't feel the level of guilt you do. He wound up not getting the hint despite repeated attempts. You're allowed to be social, and it doesn't sound like anything was going to happen.