Manchild Enabler?

>>16766435

It sounds like it's partly your choice in men, and partly how you take care of them - you're too lenient. Also, the men you've taken care of sound like my last girlfriend - who was so terrified and anxious of everything that I basically had to step in and become her parent and do everything for her. Scheduling appointments, making every phone call because she's too scared to talk to someone she doesn't know, trying to keep her studying for college.

It's not that you're a doormat, you have a good heart and you want to take care of people. But people will find that you're weak to this kind of approach and take advantage of it. It's all about putting your foot down, and that's hard to know exactly when since it's a case by case basis. But with two manchildren under your belt, you have some experience on dealing with it. You'll get better at figuring out when to start putting the boot to them, at first to help, then to help them become less dependent on you, or to kick them out the door.

men don't have the social advantages that women do, so it ends up being harder for them in the modern world until they've established a certain level of experience in their field.

either stick it out, or date someone already successful. I don't think being a hard-ass about it is going to be easy for someone who's personality just doesn't lend itself to that.

I think there is a specific personality disorder for that shit. Codependency or something

>>16766503
>social advantages
I have social anxiety, and I don't have the charm that either of them have, but once I have a job, I keep it for at least a year. I don't 'forget to call in' when i'm sick, and i don't piss off my managers. i work HARD, and i get good at what i do, and i make sure it shows.
Those two ace their interviews, and then buckle out of a job because they can't keep up. that's what i mean by not holding down a job.

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Look, I don't like victim blaming here, but it seems like you're the problem, not him.

You're enabling him. That's not 'taking care of people.' Taking care of a loved one means that you look out for his best interest. Covering up his shortcomings and accepting bad behavior is NOT healthy or positive, and yet that's exactly what you're doing.

Of course he's no prize. You've shown that you'll accept shit, so shit is what you're going to get.
Masculine pride is supposed to be a thing. That's tough that he's a delicate pansy who gets hurt a lot. Men get hurt at work all the time, and most, right or wrong, don't stop anyhow. The world is full of men who are depressed, desperate, hurt, sad, sick or not, and yet most of them still get up in the morning and work, because A MAN PROVIDES. That's what we're wired to desire for ourselves. When we don't provide, we get sick in the head and heart.

Your useless bf, I assume, had no father to teach him this shit. Shame. Someone needs to slap his shit or do something, as he's supposed to be ashamed of being a bum.
...but that's where your acceptance of his slovenly ways plays a part, too. You're willing to do your job and his, so why the fuck should he change?
Yeah, also, part time? Dude's got broken bones, illness, OK, part time is good. But he who will not work will not eat. That aphorism is in every major culture's texts. Even ours, in the bible.

So, I'm blaming you both here. You can make positive changes for yourself, however. Let the baby change his own fucking diapers. Admit that you're ashamed of him. Tell him. It won't destroy him. It might just get him off his ass.

>>16766586
Yeah, I don't buy that 'a man provides for his family' bullshit. My mom was the breadwinner in our family, most of the time. My dad still worked though. They both worked their asses off.
I get what you're saying, i'm being way too lenient here, but i also don't want his gender factoring into him 'needing to work' I would be happy if i could get him to take care of the house, and help me out with errands.
i get it, though, if i want that, i have to crack down, and if i don't it's my fault that this is happening, because like
>>16766498 said, people will take advantage of that.

>>16766523
I think Codependency is where one person specifically engineers the relationship so that the other person needs them. Like an "I need you to need me." sort of thing.

HTF are all these guys getting in relationships w/ chicks while not having a job?! lol

>>16766612
Another way to put it is that men have a cultural and perhaps biological need to contribute. You're dad might not have brought home as many dollars, but I'm guessing he put in a comparable amount of time and energy.

Honestly I'm surprised you can find two white guys who would act like this. Are you in LA or New York by any chance?

What is your courtship like? Don't you smell the loser on them before they move in?

>>16766821
I guess that's why I'm pretty sure this is my fault. neither of them started out this way. Before the relationship, they were both really cool, active guys. Then something happened, and I had to step up and take care of them, and i never stopped taking care of them, i guess.
Also, one of them is really good with people (charming sociopath) and the other is very caring and domestic. I shouldn't say i do everything, because he makes sure i'm awake for work, and he'll cook for me, stuff like that. egh, i feel like shit for complaining about him now, he does a lot for me.

>>16766435

If he can't afford to help with household finances then he can't live with you. Move out if he won't do what is necessary to make money.

If you like having people dependent on you then you'll go after guys that are dependent. Have you ever been attracted to a guy who had his shit together and was making good money?

>>16766821
I did the same thing.
Seduced by a big dick and the idea that it would be very communist of me to marry into a lower class

>>16766435

>>16766435

If he can't afford to help with household finances then he can't live with you. Move out if he won't do what is necessary to make money. You should consider not moving in with future boyfriends unless they are financially stable.

If you like having people dependent on you then you'll go after guys that are dependent. Have you ever been attracted to a guy who had his shit together and was making good money?

>>16766865
And you couldn't find some hardworking mechanic? I thought it was a *worker's* revolution.

I suppose you ended up going back to giving handies to Chet and Tad out behind the stables?

>>16766828
Wow, you're a bit racist? I never mentioned whether they were white.
Anyways, with my mom and dad, things were always off and on. She made more money, put in longer hours, but he did all the shitty work. Now she's disabled, and he's the only one who can work, and I feel bad for him.
As for the manchildren, they both were so promising before the relationship. One was my high-school sweetheart, and the other I was friends with for about a year. And I'm in the midwestern USA

>>16766858
When I say I like taking care of people, i mean in an "Oh, you've got the flu? Here, take this medicine while I make you some soup!" kind of way, or an "Hey, Grandma, I can mow the lawn and pull weeds for you." kind of way.

>>16766879
>I never mentioned whether they were white.
I was just giving you the benefit of the doubt.

>>16766896
Welp, one is and one isn't. It isn't fucking relevant.

>>16766934
No, of course not. Silly me.

But wrt my question about your courtship--they had jobs and had their life together before they moved in? It's one thing if they were already a loser, but it seems pretty weird for a guy to slide back into being a manchild after achieving independence.

>>16766969
>but it seems pretty weird for a guy to slide back into being a manchild after achieving independence

No, it really isn't. In fact - too much cushioning and comfort with no effort required from the person receiving it, will almost always result in their behaviour degrading to a child-like status. It's natural.

Best way to force a person out of it is to put them in a critical situation, ie - there's no money left, so you either work or become homeless, etc.

>>16766435
I bet they stopped trying once they were with you.

It's partly on you since you had to feel the need to do everything for him all the time.