This is gonna be a talk with an imaginary psychologist, so it'll be a little long read.
>pic unrelated, i just like nice butts
I'm under stress. I'm constantly worrying about myself, future, and where is my life heading.
First thing that comes to my mind - I lack self-discipline, as in forcing myself to do something I don't enjoy. I was never good at doing stuff I didn't feel joy in, but it's gotten worse and worse over last few months - I'm smoking weed and railing speed every other weekend and that's basically my reason of living. I just want to get high and enjoy the feeling.
I hate real life.
But let me give you a little background on me.
I'm an eighteen years old male, living in a second-world country, studying electroengineering. Used to be the best student in primary and high school, now the major drug use has taken it's toll - brain fog and lack of motivation make me lethargic and apathetic all the time.
I haven't had a girlfriend for like half a year, and it's because I intentionally avoid girls. I can't get my mind off my ex-gf, and I lost several high-quality girls because they realized it, so I stopped chasing until I get better.
My ex was the girl I loved to pieces, and I lost her to heroin. I haven't spoken to her for almost a year now.
>post too long, continued in comments
>snap back to reality
I'm worried because my friends from math competitions from primary school are going on some high-end colleges right now, getting offers from UK and USA colleges to come and study. And I'm still here in ****** smoking weed because it's the only thing I enjoy.
I used to enjoy doing math, programming, learning stuff... Now the only way I can feel something is by smoking a blunt or railing a line or taking a pill. I'm even thinking about doing heroin since it's relatively cheap and it's one of the strongest opiates out there - but I'm aware of dangers so I most likely will never do it.
I would like to clear this fog, to cure this pain that holds me like a chain every single day, I would like to get back on track to make something out of myself while it's still not too late...
What is the way?
Since I don't plan on developing any self-discipline (it's not that I didn't try, I just suck at it), one of the possible ways would be to make productivity pleasurable. But how the fuck can I make those dreaded activities, such as learning about principles of UPS-es, pleasurable? I never felt pleasure from studying. I don't want to. I don't want to... I don't want to do anything.... I just want to rail a line and die.....
...but when I rail a line, I don't even want to die, I want to live - I feel on the top of the world, like all my problems disappear and I'm an other person completely...
Fuck. This feels like a cage. I don't want to see a psychologist, since I most probably possess the power in my brain to fix it all for myself, but I'm a lazy bitch who just whines because he doesn't want to do anything about his life.
>but anon you have so much potential and you owe yourself to make your life better
Anyways, /adv/, what would you do in my situation?
Since I don't want to do anything in life, the most obvious answer would be not to do anything in life. That easy.
But I'm terrified of real life. Whenever I have to go out and tangle with the system (seek personal documents, get an ID, get a driver's licence) I go through a traumatic, stressful experience...
If any of my stupid druggie friends actually got me some strong benzos I wouldn't be alive by now. But no, all they can get is those fucking 1,5mg Lexaurins. I would need to take 3 packages to get anywhere near the lethal dose.
first of all, stay the fuck away from heroin.
Second of all, if you've lost your joie de vivre then you need to get the fuck out of your current circumstances and make a change. You're unhappy because you don't want to do your degree anymore and you're unhappy because your friends all still want to do it and are being successful at it. Why do you feel like you have to do the same thing that everyone else is doing? Go out into the world and find your real passion, make a change - go travel for awhile, meet new and interesting people, change your perspective on what you want out of life. Drugs are a shitty substitute for a life well-lived.
I would be so much more terrified of rotting away in my comfort zone if I were you. You're going to have to grow some balls and do these things and tell your sense of discomfort to fuck off. I get that this shit is hard, hell I struggle with it too. But it's got to be done, because even if you don't realize it, this is a life-and-death struggle you're in.
>go travel for awhile, meet new and interesting people, change your perspective on what you want out of life
I find this kind of advice a little troubling. Since it's winter it's hard to travel right now, but I still did it few weeks ago. I went to my friend's place in another city, and it was supposed to make me feel a bit better. But since I was like a zombie all we did was play Oblivion or walk out in the snow and drink beer. If would be different if I was on speed or not fucked up like I am, but I didn't have the money so it sucked...
>meet new and interesting people
Believe me, I've met more than enough. When I actually go out, I have no problem meeting someone else, and I get in contact with a few interesting people, and I have a beer with them and have a fun time - but that's it. As soon as I leave their company I crash down again, and I believe that the same would happen if I spent too much time with somebody.
>change your perspective on what you want out of life
How exactly does one do this? I currently want to do drugs. Honestly, it's the only thing I enjoy in the world. I feel like the world has nothing else to offer me, and vice versa...
[I'm grateful that you did read my posts anon. I might sound bitter in my post, but that's because I feel like shit. Thanks for reading my shit, I love you man]
So, there was I, trying to desperately fight off another lonely night away from my girl. I instantly went to /gif/. There laid a thread about videos without a source. Went in, checked some webm. A girl was getting humped by some dude, presumably her boyfriend.
Something inside me instantly fucking triggered. I started feeling anger, anxiety, jealousy, fear. I actually felt incredibly strong emotional pain just from watching it, and it continued long after the video was over. It almost hurt me physically. It felt like she was my girlfriend even though I obviously did not know her, nor him, and had never known a person who resembles even remotely either of them.
I remember something similar happened to me years ago, but back then I couldn't care less about any of it.
I am actually scared about this. I had never known there was something this wrong with me up until now.
Any ideas, /adv/?
no, you're not understanding me. I don't mean go travel to a place you've already been. I don't mean go do the same shit you have always done. I don't mean meet interesting people to have fun with, I mean fucking leave. Go someplace you've never gone before, meet people of the kind you never even knew existed, get out of the iron chains of your life and don't look back. You change your perspective on life through exposure to new things, to uncomfortable things, to things you thought you weren't going to like. The only way to change is just fucking do it.
>triggered by porn
pathetic, dude. You're so scared of what you've already lost you're triggered by someone who looks sort of like her in a porno. You gotta do something else with your life, man, quit obsessing about the past.
Do you mean that I should move away? Like in a totally different country?
Won't it probably be pretty far-fetched since my current mental state would get in my way of making new friends or having any kind of normal life at all?
Very cliche probably: control your drug use and especially weed.
I have been a long time pot smoker and altough I managed to get a master while smoking daily it made boredom enjoyable to a point where a basically didn't care about anything else and basically didnt progress (job wise and socially).
Now im infrequently smoking weed socially (mainly at parties) and do some xtc (and ofc n2o: the combination is awesome) from time to time and my social life has been a lot better and i have no issues doing stuff i don't instantly like.
And forget the girl: dont dwell on things that are out of control, its also easier to do so when you arent smoking every day.
Just try and not smoke for a month, best way to change your perspective.
Adorable kitty. I love kitten.
Also, I don't WANT to stop using. It's a weird concept, but I'm only happy when I'm high, and my best friends (and also the only friends who actually talk to me regularly and care about me) are frequent smokers, so we blaze a blunt whenever I visit them. I love them and I don't want to stop hanging out with them either.
Fuck, this is tricky. Is there any way to keep smoking but remain motivated and smart?
I've been in exactly the same situation and the only reassurance that I can give you is that the idea of only being happy when blazing will change.
Keep in mind that feelings of depression when quitting can be worse depending on your own state of mind and/or your personal situation,
I've always been reasonably stable and enjoyiing life with a stable income/living situation: I can definitly understand that real-life issues can make it harder to "escape" the habit.
Ofc its not easy, but nothing is: I went from smoking 1gram a/day to maybe 1gram a month, but milage may vary for each person.
I must admit that after I "quit" smoking, i did drink slightly more (which means that i drink like a few beers a month) and that I started going to techno parties and munching some xtc roughly once a month :P
Still, not structurally smoking weed has changed my life for the better and it might also help you as long as you remember that the initial feeling of not being happy when not smoking WILL disappear if the rest of your life is in order.