Wondering if I fucked up or not. Dating a girl 3 years. Love her with all my heart. However, she does a few things that make my life shitty as of late.
1.) Super lazy. I do a 80/20 split on housework but she never does her 20. I can think of one time in the past 8 months.
2.) Kind of leading on the first, I do legit everything. Cook, clean, pay bills. Take her to and from work. This would be kind of ok if I didn't also work 30 hours a week and have a full load this semester.
3.) She has the sex drive of a stack of envelopes. Not too concerned about this by itself, but she will put the moves on me then back out midway when she realizes shes not actually horny.
So the above added up plus something fairly trivial into me laying it down. I told her how all that makes me feel like shit yada yada. She apologizes and says she will work on it. Fast forward a week and she is still doing all the things she said she wouldn't.
So, I told her she should probably go stay with her folks for a bit until she is serious about trying. I had to hop in the shower since I had work soon. She was gone when I got out.
First off, I had the same problem but mine is slightly worse. so I'll give the advice that I cant seam to take and apply.
Let her go and if she doesn't come back you will be better off.
If she comes back and hasn't had an attitude change in less than 2 weeks, dump her.
Its really important you don't let her drag you down.
I never kicked my girl out. Now we have been together 3 years and she hasn't paid a single cent on any bill anywhere whilst living off me.
And I cant leave her because I feel responsible for her and her happiness, if I leave she'll be homeless and have nothing.
Don't make my mistakes OP
I'm pretty sure I was in the same kind of situation as you, did all the house work for her, including her fucking laundry. At one point she wanted me to look for jobs for her because she didn't want to. Never did any effort in virtually anything, I'm thinking like a 5/95 split. Most of the time I felt like I was taking care of a teenager (she was 25 at the time). Always promised to do shit and never did it then expected me to do it after a 5 min task turned into a 2 hour adventure.
If your chick was anything like mine was I say bite the bullet and walk away before it gets any worse. I didn't and I regret it, in the end the only person that can change her is herself. After all if that's really who she is, she's got some growing up to do.
Seems like a total leech to me. Minimum in my relationships are 50/50 splits at any given time and at anything, If I do some extra work for my partner is because of an emergency they had.
People leeches are the worst king of people, they are the pampered kids type that didn't lift a finger in their teens. How do I know? I was one myself and it took me a shit ton of effort to correct my ways. The only reason I managed it was because I wanted to change, I took pleasure from changing BUT I would certenly not change if someone else wanted me to change - in witch case I would advise you dump your partner (leech) and move on since they will only change when it fits THEM - not you
ugh I dread to remember these carefree days...
...you do feel bad, stupid. If you are threatening a breakup when you don't really want to you feel bad.
Did you expect to avoid that? It'll feel worse if you have to follow through. Ultimatums only work if you mean them.
Ultimatums rarely work because it puts all of the control over the relationships directly onto your partner, while the main problem remains.
And the main problem is that her actions never have any consequences for her, so there's no reason for her to change things.
Think about when you were a kid and your parents trying to lecture you after you did something wrong:
>"I'll forgive you this time but next time I'll be really mad."
>do wrong thing again
>"Ok, I'll forgive you one more time but next time I'll be really really mad."
You gotta show her consequences, which could mean walking away from the relationship and seeing if she comes begging and changing. I don't think this is going to happen though.
I would suggest stopping to do things for her, like driving her to work. Stop cooking for her unless she's doing the dishes first, things like that.
Honestly though, the fact the she stopped having sex with you hints towards the possibility of her only using you and that she's not that invested in the relationship.
Have also been in a relationship with a dependent girl. The longer it goes on the more you end up doing for her. Cut and run early.
If she doesn't come back from her senpai a changed woman, bite the bullet and dump her.
>Ultimatums rarely work because it puts all of the control over the relationships directly onto your partner, while the main problem remains.
>And the main problem is that her actions never have any consequences for her, so there's no reason for her to change things.
Do... you not understand what an ultimatum is?
An actual ultimatum means that the party must meet the conditions or face the consequences. In this case, if OP gives her a proper ultimatum, his GF must start doing her share to an extent that OP is content with or their relationship will terminate, and until she expresses a commitment to start meeting these conditions, she's not welcome.
What you're talking about (letting things slide) isn't part of an ultimatum. The person giving the ultimatum has the control, it's only relinquished if they don't have the nerve to follow through on it.
The recipient of an ultimatum doesn't gain any control or power just from the act of receiving an ultimatum. That is nearly the opposite.
Of course, if the aggrieved delivers an ultimatum and then backs out of it when the conditions are unmet (or scoffed at, perhaps), they certainly informally give any pretensions of control over to the recipient. That said, they are still responsible for their own choices.
Perhaps I didn't express myself properly or maybe you're reading into things too much.
Ultimatums don't work ("work" as in, will lead to a happy and healthy relationship) because in most cases the other party will just say yes, make promises and then continue doing what they've been doing, because they're used to not experiencing consequences. Leading you to breaking up.
An ultimatum is nothing more than a threat of consequences and putting someone on the spot, making them uncomfortable and hostile towards you, will rarely lead them wanting to change themselves for you.
>What you're talking about (letting things slide) isn't part of an ultimatum.
Where are you even getting this from. I never said he should let anything slide.
>The recipient of an ultimatum doesn't gain any control or power just from the act of receiving an ultimatum. That is nearly the opposite.
>"You make the decision whether to continue this relationship or not."
That's literally giving up control.
Either way I don't want to debate what an ultimatum is.
Point being: An ultimatum is most likely going to lead to a break up. A better way is to show her consequences first, by just not doing things for her anymore. Which might very well still lead to a break up of course.
you did good OP, you keep strong and dont talk to her awhile.
I was taught a long time ago the "scent of disinterest" will cause anyone in any relationship to go a little crazy. She senses you CAN get on without her, shell get her shit together.
And dont beat yourself up over this, relationships take TWO people putting effort into them for them to work, and be worth having.