You were my everything. We were perfect together. We were THE superior couple. Even after all the stress you out me through, I still love you. After all the emotional abuse I've felt, I still care about you. I think about sending you a message from time to time, but I know it's a bad idea. I wait for you to acknowdlge me one day and say "hi". Nothing more, just a simple hi to know you still think about me.
I don't want to be with you again, far from it. You were my best friend though, my first best friend in a very long time. All I want is that we can still be friends. The kind that can spill the beans on how our weeks were, or how petty our friends can be, those kind of friends.
I still wonder, after all you've done, after all my love for you, would it still be worth it for ME to say hi?
I was about to throw away the bag of letters and notes you left me until I saw the Nutcracker pamphlet.
I don't have the words anymore. Just an inarticulate sadness.
I saw the bookmarks you made, it was the first time I saw your handwriting in two years and I could have just thrown it all away but I couldn't.
Nobody loved me like you did. I don't know if it was because you saw me for who I really was, because you saw right through me.
The last time I saw the poeticism in life was when you wear half-heartedly singing and folding up clothes to put in your suitcase.
I miss you so fucking much. I'm so, so sorry.
Mingus died and it was my fault.
I don't know what to do anymore. The bag ripped and I saw the little black book. I couldn't help reading it. It's been three fucking years and I want this to end. I want to learn to love someone else and I can't move on from this. I'm not trying hard enough, I fucked up my life and I just want to feel like a person again. Please god I just want to feel like a fucking person again I beg you please. I want to grow as a person and be and adult, I want to have my own life, I want to be of some worth to myself and be a healthy person to be around. I'm so fucking sorry.
You were an angel that was the only light that I could see in my darkest time. You liked me for me, I didn't have to pretend to be someone else. I didn't know how to react to being around someone like you, I was not worth of being with you in my eyes, and you found someone better who you are deeply in love with, and I am so happy for you. I wish things could have developed further between us but it was great having you in my life even if it was far shorter than I would have like.
Take care of yourself and know I'll always be rooting for you.
I want to keep going but this job I'm forced to work has run me ragged and each day I'm not working on my dream kills me. I just want to cry but tears don't come. I keep falling asleep, then it's time to slave again. Why should I have to keep putting my main dream in life constantly to the side? I'm so tired. Fuck them all.
I'm trying to stop crushing on you. It's not working very well. After a week apart I thought to myself that it would be nice to see you and catch up, but once we were together my brain just switched off and I'm right back to watching you from the corner of my eye and smiling. You are so beautiful, and the way you move - the way you do even the simplest things like clear crumbs from a table, is pure magnificent poetry. Maybe it would have been better if we'd spoken for longer, perhaps my craving for your company would have been dulled somewhat. Or maybe that would've just added fuel to the fire. I don't know. I do know that it's going to be a long week without you.
"Focus on her negative traits" they say, when advising on how to stop being smitten. Well, yesterday you were explicit about something I'd already figured out. Something that goes against everything I believe in. My only reaction was a mental "Oh, you" and a grin at your humanity. Ok, so that didn't work. Rather than pushing you away, now I'm figuring scenarios and compromises and ways to make things work. Ffs.
"Distance, anon, cut contact" they say. But having a friendship with you is the best thing in my life. So no. No, no, no. There has to be another way to fall out of love. I will find it.
I hate that I've only ever been desperate and needy once in my adult life when it mattered the most and I fucked everything up by forcing myself to appear contained due to some status quo I felt was expected, all because of playing the game. Guess what? There isn't one! The whole thing was bullshit, it didn't stop the pain at all. Don't believe, it, ever
You broke up with me on Christmas right after I found out my dad had cancer, you manipulated me into leaving my job so we wouldn't have to work with each other... You got me preggo then forced me to have an abortion, despite my protests. You were a reeeal piece of something.
Now you are juggling two girls at the same time and you decided to tell me eh? Since you think after a year of being friends I've forgiven and forgotten.
I'll enjoy mentally fucking with you Mr. L. I took the high ground when it was breaking my heart.. But you are a disease clearly, a tornado that ruins peoples lives. I'll just have to crush you in the shadows while smiling to your face 'friend'.
honesty is only for the bravest, craziest people out there. If you say the truth to women, they will stay away from you because you don't feed them the lies they've always been hearing. If you say the truth in school (or university), you will be taken for crazy, kicked out of class, despised by the peers because you stand up to bullshit. If you say the truth in your workplace, you are either going to be laughed at like a fucking idiot or you are going to be sent on the street without second thoughts. If you say the truth to your family, you gotta be lucky to find one that really accepts you for what you are. If you say the truth to your friends, they are going to tell you you are a different guy, which is okay with them but they are not going to be able to help you in any fucking situation. If you say the truth on Facebook, you are going to be approached (90%+ of the time) by superficial people, reminiscences of a past life, who treat you like an idol and think your life is wonderful. These are the same people who say they are jealous and envy you. Absolutely fucking useless to be around them.
This is my life. I am grateful to be strong enough to have not killed myself yet or gotten extensively into hard drugs.
E I had a dream last night that we stayed together, and that we had an engagement party. And the entire dream was only filled with reasons we shouldn't have stayed together. Everyone at the party saw it, I saw it, S was even there and she saw it. So I called it off. S and I talked, I cried, we became really good friends again, like we were before. I found that I didn't feel lonely or sad anymore. I understood that you were the negative energy keeping me down. People started talking to me again. Friends whom I'd felt abandoned me came around again, because you weren't around. When I awoke I came to the understanding that I had this dream because I've finally accepted everything that's happened as the past. I wasn't sad; I was happy I made the right decision in leaving you. This is the last letter I'll write to you. Thank you for every bittersweet memory you've left me with. You've opened my eyes to who I am truly, and I could never be more grateful.. even if it took a dream about leaving you to understand. M
T- I've written to you countless times in these threads, but the next time I see you I'm going to stop being cowardly and confess my feelings. Only a few more weeks. No talking myself out of it this time. -S
Every soul shall taste death. So don't 'YOLO' and go do all crazy non-ethical stuff. Be a good humanbeing, serve humanity and strive to find the correct religion. And claim your reward in the afterlife.
Other T- You ruined my reputation I usually don't believe in using this word but you're a lying bitch You said you were thinking about transferring out, so hurry up and do it already I'm glad we don't share any classes this quarter I hope the next college you transfer to is shitty -S
The only reason I corrected you yesterday is that I'm tired of being a villain in a story I already exited. I'm not willing to take that role anymore just out of convenience when no one else is around to play it. At the same time, you aren't trustworthy, I explained the trust thing yesterday and everything that came after I ended it confirmed that if we ever did get back together, I probably wouldn't be able to take your word for anything at all. Nor would I be able to actually believe you stopped giving people pictures of your body whenever they felt like getting off to you. I certainly wouldn't be able to believe that he doesn't do whatever he likes to you when you blog about that whenever you wish. After all, you live with him and used to tell people how it happened even when you weren't willing, but you would expect me to believe your living circumstances wouldn't just lead to that again?
No, no matter what remnants of feelings I have, I can only see it right that I ended it, right that I made the assumptions I did, and wrong of me to have said yes when you asked for us to be together.
You, who couldn't trust me but could trust your roommate of an ex, proved to me that I couldn't trust you. You, who used an excuse of thinking I was busy to not talk to me at all over the holidays, until I initiated contact just to let you know something, then snapped at me before I ended it, convinced me of something else. I told you yesterday that I have no intentions of looking for anyone.
You enjoy handing out pictures and webms of yourself some more on various boards. I'm not going to ever try to get back together with you, and I seriously doubt I'd ever be able to look at you the same way again. So you be sure to make the most of your little harem and the man you live with.
It's a shame, I doubt you ever would, but even if you did want to try again I wouldn't possibly know how to go back to even close to how we were. I'm certain these remaining feelings will go
When I have you I don't need drugs. You feel the best. Maybe the drugs aren't strong enough but you make me feel like everything is ok. Only when you leave me do I hurt. I know I can't afford you 24/7 but please understand that I am you, and you are me. You make me happy.
TC, I know you're trying. And I do appreciate that. But: I don't think you're trying hard enough; I don't think you know why you're trying; I'm not sure that even if you were trying hard enough it would make any difference. I've changed. You haven't changed in the same direction... or at all, really. I don't know how much longer I can go on sharing my life with someone who isn't excited about any of the things that interest me, and doesn't give a damn about what I am doing, or where I am going, or what hopes and dreams I have for the future. You're just a blank faced echo box. Why not just say that you don't give a damn, instead of making this weak pretence? Your lack of commitment has worn all the excitement about "us" away. You're just someone I live with. Are you happy like this? If you're not happy then we should figure out what to do next. Because what we are doing now is not working.
So I was about to tell you something I've noticed over time about your singing voice that maybe you don't know. But I guess you still can't interact with me like a human being. So once again I attempted to normalize our social interactions in a friendly way and you turned away and went out the door.
>>16760523 I don't speak, I float in the air wrapped in a sheet I'm not a real person, I'm a ghost trapped in a beat I translate when my voice is read through a sismograph And a noise is bred, picked up and transmitted through Royce's head (AAHHH) Trapped him in his room, possessed him and hoist his bed Till the evilness flows through his blood like poisonous lead Told him each one of his boys is dead I asked him to come to the dark side, he made a choice and said
holy shit you said yes to the running date. i thought i fucked up on the first date by kissing u but maybe u liked it since you invited me out running? i really dont know and im pretty happy. i dont want a relationship right now but i dont want to see other girls and i dont want you to see other guys so i guess that does mean im in a relationship, idk but im pretty happy that were spending time together. to be perfectly honest i have no idea if were good for each other. we dont really share common interests and im pretty extroverted and youre pretty introverted, but my friend has that dynamic with his gf and it works for him, so maybe its a sign that it will work with us. idk. but like youre really pretty, so im gonna invite you to my house's party this saturday and it will be tight. hope you come. and if you dont, then oh well i guess, it was worth a shot. is you asking me to come running with you a sign that you're interested? or am i reading in too much on this? i want to ask you but i know that will make me seem weird so i wont. feelings are stupid none of this is coherent blah blah blah
I wonder how much time we still have together.It's funny how delaying things too much can lead to unpredictable and completly fucked up resultsAfter 2 pseudo break ups I should have realized we are not ment to be together. Actually, I have. But something just keeps me away from breaking things up now and forever. At first I thought it had to do with your suicidal issues. That if I tried to leave you, you would return to the remains of a person that you were before. And you did. And you didn’t wait 1 day to throw it all in my face. Perhaps back then my answer should have just been “deal with it”. You managed to guilt me into continuing this relationship. Or perhaps I am stating this out of anger… It’s difficult to be sure of aything right now. However, life is not without a sense or irony and just when I gathered my wit to end things for good your mother gets cancer. Stage 4, dying in less than 1 year. You ask me to move in with you which I reluctantly accept. Obviously, things go straight down from there. Fight after fight over nothing and even less. We have now grown so apart that all the suspicions of betrayal that I have of you don’t matter anymore. It does a lot to someone when it’s counterpart goes back to its ex, especially if this ex is proven to be the worst type of egoistic machiavellian, who is so desperate for sex that uses all means at their disposal to have it. You had me learning hacking for the sole purpose of proving my thesis. And I have succeeded. It is so sad. The hours I have dedicated researching social engineering, python, pearl, linux, cyber security… Handlers, payloads, embedding virus, recon, doxing, metasploit, you name it! I have spend 2 to 4 hours every day for 6 months only to get the skills to prove how not crazy I was. Just to prove that indeed all your control, all the messages you deleted, all your chat history, programs you used to avoid using skype because you knew there was a way for me to read those logs
>>16760979 And hell, was I right. And now, I have sacrificed my actual job to learn these skills that are useless since I learned only exactly what I needed to enter your pc, enter the little rascal’s pc, get what I wanted, plant a fork bomb and leave. It sure was funny to see you both formatting your pc at the same time though. But that is just not enough. And now, I still have to be with you. I still have to look at your face. I still have to wait for your mother, whom I have grown to like a lot, to die. And then I will still have to spend time with you just so that you don’t try to kill yourself. Thank you for all that you gave me. You are the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
I love you so much. I am at such a weird time in my life. I have a lot of options ahead of me career-wise, but we have a perfect relationship. I want a home and family with you, but I also want to try different jobs and travel the world.
I want to travel with you, even work with you if you want, like we always said, always. The way I went, you'd be so good at it and where I was I liked it too but it was stressful and obstacles yet with you they could be overcome
A girl like you would never visit this site I'm sure, so this is ultimately pointless. Every time I run into you I pretend I don't see you and you do the exact same. I miss you and I'm obsessed. You're so much better than me with how many friends you've made now, and I still have none. And I know for a fact that you'll find someone better than me. I'm sure with your studiousness you're excelling in education right now, whereas I am still coasting along; wandering around aimlessly searching for you just to see your face for a few seconds and then quickly turn away. It hurts so much. It almost makes me vomit how sad I am and I want to yell and cry and just break something and get away from this place we both go to. But I can not do that, I have to deal with the anxiety of probably seeing you everyday, breaking my heart over and over, stressing me out. I had enough low self esteem as is and you came along and left me like I was trash. I know I'm worthless. I'm ugly, lazy, pessimistic, weird, incompetent, distrusting, and obnoxious. I don't need to be ostracized by you and your friends to be aware of that. I've know this for a long time. Since fucking grade school everyone has left me out because I was annoying and weird apparently. And now all this build up has left me to be a loser nobody with nothing going for him. I'll probably commit suicide when I get an apartment one day working some shitty job while you're out there doing whatever. Why did you ever talk to me? Why did you ever have an interest to begin with? It was pointless and it hurt me deeply. Seeing you all the time has taken a toll on my emotional and mental health. Everyday I check Facebook to see if I'm unblocked yet from you. I know I never will be. I still love you. But I don't want to be alive anymore.
I hope you're starting to understand you don't fuck with crazy. Honestly, I haven't figured out what I'm going to do with you yet. You're defiantly not off the hook. If I were you, and thank god I'm not, I would hope the fucking therapy helps calm the crazy down. Otherwise your ass is going to be"kicked" mostly likely in a figurative manner. I promise you I will enjoy it, if it comes to that.
If I've ever wronged you or caused you suffering I'm terribly sorry. I've come to know that if it wasn't for certain mistakes I've made in my life I wouldn't be in the position I'm in right now. Mainly, my years as a drug addict are the most regretful years of my life. I'm sorry for all the suffering I've caused to all of you. You must know that I wasn't myself during this period of my life and I've transcended to become a much better person. What's worse about those years of my life is the fact that I could barely recollect large portions of it. I can just recollect fragments of it, some fragments more vivid than others. As some of you may or may not know, I have a certain distinct mark on me, this mark was a direct result of being strung out on Xanax. I could hardly recollect the entire event, which is probably the worst part of it. A second reality check was when I was strung out on drugs and got raped by a person I assumed was my best friend . That event I could barely recollect as well, I just know it happened. I did a lot of regretful things during those years of my life but those two events hit me like a ton of bricks, like a wake up call. I came to know that much more worse things may happen to me if I continued down the path that I was heading in- jail, raped(again)- possibly end up getting killed somehow or overdosing.
I'm sorry to all of you again, and I tell you this, so you do an understand that it wasn't just you that was hurt by my mindless reckless behavior, I was hurt by it, and I'm still so hurt by it, more so for what I've done to people than for what it has done to me.
I apologize, but I can tell you from someone who has been torn to shreds by my former self that apologies are so hard to accept. It's hard for me to accept my own apologies- and to grant forgiveness to the person who raped me. That- that is a hard thing to do, and I honestly don't know how to ask for it, but I hope you all can find it in your
you were the lousiest person i've ever met, even when i was happy you couldn't be happy for me, and to think you said everyday that you loved me, now that time has passed i finally managed to be with someone who actually gives a fuck about me, and not just caught in a tangle of your own little shitty world.
I'm happy that i moved on, you hate me over nothing, i was your best friend, i can't believe you loved me so much you had to treat me so badly and never talking to me again now you come like nothing ever happened beetween us crashing at my own birthday party without being invited, being disrespectful to my girlfriend even though i ran after you when we broke up and tried to keep us together, cunt.
Hearts to accept the cruel things I've put you through.
I know that nothing I say or do can change anything. So, I will let you know that in the coming months I will surely commit suicide, this time for good. And, I would like you all to know beforehand that it was due to the way you treated me, it's due to the way I treated myself. I know that it would be the ultimate sacrifice, a chance at reconciliation, and I know many of you will find solace in this act (it is something that you should find solace in, so don't feel bad about it).
>>16761386 Sorry- there was a small typo on one part of the second piece of the letter.
Hearts to accept the cruel things I've put you through.
I know that nothing I say or do can change anything. So, I will let you know that in the coming months I will surely commit suicide, this time for good. And, I would like you all to know beforehand that it was not due to the way you treated me, it's due to the way I treated myself. I know that it would be the ultimate sacrifice, a chance at reconciliation, and I know many of you will find solace in this act (it is something that you should find solace in, so don't feel bad about it).
T Fuck, man, I need to be better. The way I am now, you'd never want to be with me. It sounds stupid, but it's true: everything I am now, it's because of you. You've given me a reason to live, a reason to improve myself. I am bitterly sad that even now, the best I've ever been, I am SO obviously SO far below what you'd need or want or deserve in a partner. It didn't bother me before I figured it out, but now I am painfully aware. That, and you've seen me at my worst. Hell, I wouldn't want to put up with my shit - why would anyone else? So basically, I'll be lucky to even salvage a friendship from this whole car crash. But. I still can't stop dreaming about a life with you, because you are amazing. Why can't I understand how this is supposed to work. I'm sorry for how I've been acting. I'm sorry for changing into this needy, desperate creature that won't leave you alone. I wish I had the self-control to be different and treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. I'm sorry. D
Of course it's in my head. There's a million people here. I'm dumb as fuck. And no girl is that insane right? She'd be even crazier than me. No, she moved on, has a bf and I simply have no big social life anymore.
I had been looking for conformation that you do in fact still come on 4chan; so that there's a chance at least. I found it on another board with a post of something of yours. It was within the hour most likely. If you by any chance come on /adv/....I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for what I said and for not saying goodbye. You were always a good friend to me. I hope all is well for you.
You're a shameless attention whore who pretends to be oppressed whenever someone refuses to validate your shitty lifestyle. Your hippy dippy "love is all you need" bullshit is just an affectation you put on so everyone will just /have/ to like you. You are a black hole calling itself the sun. You crave attention from every living thing that crosses your path. You pretend to be more naive than you are to flirt without commitment. Your life is set up so that you are immune to consequence. You are the definition of the word exhausting.
A I hate that I'll live another year just for the tiny chance of ever talking to you. My admiration for you is delusional, and our permanent parting by educational circumstance will inevitably kill me. All my other hopes have been killed, you are the last I'll have. And I hope it shall keep me alive this next year. jp
Hey S., Are you just nice to me or do you actually show interest in me? Or are you just a weirdo?
I guess I will find out soon enough. Confessing my feelings after three years to you, oh man. Please don't be too harsh with me. I will try to actually look at you this time without getting overly nervous.
I have a big, stupid crush on you. Can't you tell? I get so flustered and nervous after I talk to you for awhile, but I try to play it cool. Ugh, I end up saying and doing the stupidest things around you.
If only I knew how to figure this out. For now, I enjoy seeing you about every two weeks.
>>16761753 I'm sorry pot meets kettle but you're preaching to the choir. You're obviously a delusional psychopath who lives without consequences high on your bipolar schizophrenic mania you act as if you are the true chosen one to take on vigilante methods to satisfy yourself against who you think has wronged you. Which is pretty much anyone who has looked at you wrong. Your mommy and daddy has fed you so much bullshit that your special snowflake criminal unlawful bloated ego face and head thinks you are God or a Messiah of some kind. Trust me me you're not and will most evidently wind up behind bars. You are Loki manipulative and cause chaos. You're a true shit starter and when things get exaggerated you cry poor me or I didn't know in baby talk. All the while you secretly plot for others down fall because you'll never live up to who you thought you were!!! You are not the golden son or child. You're mentally ill along with your family and your dingbat relatives. Ohh I'm so great why don't I go outside and do the chu chu train on the steps or better yet have my windows wide open for all to see what I have, mention what I have, leave doors unlocked and let robbers into my home. Hey why not tel them when I'm on vacation and not at home so they can come back.Let me take pictures so you can see my bedroom and full size bed.
You're a jerk and you always have been, but I still care about you. I'm glad you realized that you needed help and sought it out, even if it meant moving back in with your parents. I always think of you fondly, no matter how fucked up things got.
>>16761753 the hippy dippy is your cousin and dingbat sister. Let me talk like goo goo gaga act like scumbag shit and turn around and cry for help. Hey why not spread full eagle to anyone who comes my way get knocked up and have a shot gun wedding !! Uhhh Nah!!! Be on welfare and think I'm the Kardashians of the slums but are just wannabees and garbage trash sluts. Why don't you go fix your rotten fence instead of crying wolf, you got robbed, you need money on tv or protesting all the while you're hacking and stealing peoples info so they have to pay for all the wrongs you've done financially because you are so morally bankrupt and are quick to quote the bible like some common derelict ranting on the subway. You're sleazebags to the fullest.
Dear Light Yagami, You are a misogynist pig who claims to care about women because you have many in your family (including sister,mother and cousins). In actuality you are bitter scum who hates women demeans them every chance you get. You prey on them to get your kicks on the web so you can feel like a true man. When in real life you are nothing. Just a mentally ill bully. You claim you care but when things don't go your way you become harsh, criticizing, disrespectful, judgey, preachy, hateful, gross you have no sympathy or empathy. You only love yourself and your ego. You'll never admit you are wrong. Cause harm to others and laugh as they cry. You claim to be a friend but you are fair weather. You claim to be a catch but you are a throw away. Who sits for years bitter waiting to fulfill a vendetta? Stewing so callus. Hateful so hateful. No love just pure hatred. You are nasty to the core cruel heartless and sick.
I once knew a boy who hacked me and all my info. Intruded on my privacy unapologetically. I mean porn and all. Wrote me amazing stories, funny stories, sad sad stories and angry such anger and rageful stories. There were some sexual content which I later realize he mimicked and repeated to me. When I returned the favor he called me a dirty attention seeking black hole whore who is a skunk in disguise delusional undateable fat ugly borderline and not the race he would ever date!!! : / Well Okeyyy Dokeyyy Then!!!
Seriously, it´s like you´re looking for a depressive state, enjoying it.
Yes, you need a GF, yes, more money would be great and no fuckin, it´s not normal. You even wouldn´t get happy if you get shit solved, you ask for answers and in the end, you wont move a finger for it.
It´s senseless, instead of crying around how shitty life is you should take all your anxiety and fears, convert them into fucking hate and show everyone what a 100% selfconfident human you are.
I´m getting rid of your fucking problems, because the deeper you sink into this deep-minded state, the more you´ll lose the connection to this world and society, and someone thats fucking depressive will loose the ability to act normal near others.
Mom, I was diagnosed with ASPD a few years ago and that is why I haven't been dating. I'm sure you remember how catastrophic my break ups have been in the past. I'm sorry you probably won't have grandchildren. I've faked my way through almost all my life. I wish you didn't have to suffer because of my flaws. I am left with the option of faking my way through a long term relationship until I possibly start to feel something for someone or being alone.
>>16759511 J, You are literally psychotic. Seriously what kind of a freak makes passive aggressive "lists" like that rather than confronting me like a normal human being. It's obviously that you have been extremely sheltered and haven't experienced much of the real world, and are not accepting of people with different lifestyles than you. That's fine, be whoever you want, but it's not fair for you to make me miserable while I live with you. I can't change my entire life style and habits I've had for years that never seemed to bother anyone besides you Fuck you, V
Its been a really long time hasnt it? It sure felt like it to me.
I dont know if you ached our breakup as much as I did, perhaps I had already broken your heart too many times so this one was a bit easier.
I just want you to know that Im ok, that if theres any curiosity within you about me, you should not worry. While hard, our breakup was for the best. I was your first... everything and our relationship got pretty serious too fast. You were starting a new life and I was in a rut, still am. So you will get to enjoy many new things, know a lot of people and fall in love again.
Also, I miss you so incredibly much. For the best part of 7 years we spoke daily, so just breaking all comunication has been really hard to me. I apologize for doing so, by te way, but it was the only way I feel I will be able to move on.
I will forever love you and hold you in a very special part of me, I wish you the best and hope to see you again in the future.
I shouldn't even care and I should just fade away and disappear because I feel like I'm just someone that's on call for you while you do shit that puts you in situations that make me feel uncomfortable. So yeah that's what I'll do because I don't feel so receptive not appreciated by someone who treats me as an option. From now on I still don't give a fuck, I hate how you think you're vindicated from punishment by leaving out the entire truth.
I hate this stupid crush I have on you. I wish I didn't see you so often. I get so anxious and my skin feels flushed the whole time. Heart fluttering, head buzzing. I want to keep talking to you, but the more I'm around you the more I want to keep being around you. I want to be so much closer.
If you'd just disappear then I could just forget about you. But you're here and I can't stop thinking about ridiculous things like the color of your eyes or how your hands would feel in mine. What would it sound like if you said my name out of love? How awkwardly would you have to bend to kiss me since you're so much taller than me? What would it be like to make love to you... to make you mine.. oh well.
I was only half joking when I asked "How are you even real?" You're a dream, and will only ever be a dream.
Dear M, It was never intended that I quit talking to you, because I still have an unconditional love for one of my greatest friends. However, at 18 and with a felony, one can only imagine how much hatred I have for the world. All I wanted was friend to talk to, and since my best bud is deployed in Japan, I wanted to rely on my old band mates, but Si appeared to me as though she was talking for our whole clique. I am a changed man. It was only a year in state, but my life has been changed for the worse, and I don't have time for people who don't even have a second to say "hello". I am a convicted felon of a violent charge, and My options in life are severely limited, so I must make better with my time than begging for attention; hell, I might as well took the honey bun if I wanted to do that. How are you involved with all of this? My dear, I do love you more than your racist ass boyfriend ever could, but like I said before, Si talked for all of you guys. In addition, I can no longer take the being a friend and listening to while you're obviously lusting badly. We no longer talk, no, so this letter is just me venting as I finish up my new jazz album, but I do think of you. From what I heard from other people, you're kind of a snoody bitch, so take care. Rest up and bless up....
Everybody knows you are an in the closet freak. At least that's what I like to imagine. Can you blame me? A year a talking and we came so close, only to turn me into a cuck as I watch you choose in the closet fuckboy over me. It's perfectly okay, because I know that an unchoosy whore deserves him, while I fucking work my ass off trying to please your ass and make sure nobody could take you away from my love. Fuck it, I guess I tried too hard. I feel like a neckbeard faggot right now as I drink to my sorrows, listening to our song. "Here comes the sun has never made me pissed off, let alone ready to quit my job and go back to the dindu nuffin world I came from. I hope his dick tastes good after he let his actual girlfriend suck it. I hope shitty made ramen noodles fufill your slippery soul, snake. It's not because he's strong, because i am easily twice as beefed as toothpick McGee. I know it's not his sex game, because my stroke game is incredibly Strong- I made you tap out multiple times. I definitely know it's not his house tending skills, because being black gives me the advantage of that shit. It must the education. My associate's against his bachelor's in the same fucking field. Fuck it, keep him! II don't need your shit.
PS, him and I are friends. He just wants to fuck you..
I still love you. Very much. Not in a romantic way. As a person. I miss the stupid things we'd do together. Making out in your car. Climbing to the roof of your apartment building. Standing on the top of the trains, a little buzzed, but a little happy too. I wish our relationship had lasted, but I'm kind of glad it didn't. I wish now that we could just be friends. Stupid friends. Reckless friends. We could still go to the trains. We could still sit on your roof. I wish I hadn't broken up with you, because you ghosted me for months. I tried to make it better. You wouldn't have it. I tried to say hello. You wouldn't have it. I tried to be your friend. You wouldn't have it. I miss you. I love you. The last four months have been different without you. I know you started dating again, and so did I. She's awful and she hates me. I hope things were better for you. I wish I had tried harder to make you be my friend. It would have been nice. Just friends. Dating other people, but we could be us.
When you hear that I'm gone, please don't blame yourself. You did mean something to me, and you did make me happy. Very happy, in fact. I guess this was just the wrong time. Even if it was the right time, would you have noticed?
I'll give you one year. I think I owe you that much. I don't want to be selfish. I hope everything works out for you after, though. I am glad to be apart of your initial success. Thanks for inviting me.
Love... I'll do my best to make this the best year anyone has given you.
I met you on here, and we fell in love. But it's falling apart. You don't care about me as much as I care about you. I'm killing my feelings for you, and resigning to an apathetic state of mind. It's the only way to save myself. I want to say I'm sorry, but I can't anymore. There's no longer a need for me to say it.
If you're going to put him above everyone else, go get back together with him. You didn't just turn your back on me tonight, but a ton of people. One day things will get better? Looks to me like they did because you put the person who abuses you before everyone else. Good for you, looks like you found your own source of happiness even if it comes in the form of "unwilling" sex and physical abuse.
You fucking moron. I hope, at the very least you're happy. I hope, at the very least, you did this because he makes you happy like you would occasionally blog. In which case, I hope you realize that you used me as the stepping stone I told you I was sick and tired of being.
To the boy I love, you're a complete and utter idiot if this action was not because you love him and soon your action will be irreversible. Think carefully, not just about me but everyone else you just turned your back on.
You, the boy I love, have for the first time since we've known each other done something that's truly riled me. I may love you, but right now I'm seething with anger
The pain you caused me never faded. Everyday I think back on how you managed to make me so happy yet cause me such unbearable pain. You're weakness spread such despair upon me. You ruined my trust in others. Everything would remind me of you.
I still remember reaching that moment. The moment where I stood at the bridge of life and death. The time I didn't think "I should kill myself" halfheartedly with a laugh. No, I remember standing there thinking of nothing. My mind in a void, and body unresponsive to my will. I remember myself standing at that ledge, feeling nothing and wanting nothing but release from this world.
I remember what stopped me. The very last moment, a single thought. The thought of how it would hurt you. Isn't that funny? Even after all the pain and torment you caused me, I still thought of you at the end.
I hate you with all my being. Nothing should bring me greater joy than your suffering. However, I am not that man. No matter how much I try, I can't stop caring about you. I hope that you found love. I hope you accepted yourself. I hope that you are smiling right now with someone who will cherish and love you. I want you to know that I found my reason to press on. A girl so beautiful that you can not even compete. Someone that has made me truly happy.
Please do not haunt yourself with me. Don't let the horrible things you did to me ruin your chance at a happy life. Live.
Hello beautiful. My time with you has been the happiest of my life. I never thought I could trust, love, laugh, live. After all the horrible things in my life that I could ever smile again. I will always remember the first time we kissed. I will always remember the first time we awkwardly made love. I will always remember the little things that made me so happy back then. Most of all, I will remember the moment I ruined all of that for you in my arrogance. My human nature kicked in and demanded more. We were so happy, but I couldn't just accept that. I will remember the tears pouring down your cheeks. I will remember the last time I will see that beautiful face.
I am a simple man. I lived only to bring you happiness. Unfortunately, it seems those days are over and so will be mine. Please don't blame yourself as you were the only thing I had in this world. I will always love you mostaroni.
I know last time i wrote this, i talked about leaving to a place where no one would be able to follow me. So much has changed since then, but yet I still feel it calling out to me. I know its not my time yet since i have so much to do before i go. This isnt an ending or a goodbye, rather its the beginning of something great. I know that something great awaits me, even if i will lose everything even myself again, but hey its expected for people like me. Still dont know if ill fade away into obscurity or become a legend. All i know is the path has never been clearer
Dear A I dont really like you anymore since you played me like a damn fiddle, but i still wanna smash my dick into you, unless you became UH's latest sex scandal then i wanna record us doing it, cuz you know youre used to it
If you're with someone you you love and reach a point when you feel that you don't have to try anymore, that's when you're in the right place to grow as a person with them. Feels like an empty field, but it's just filled with all the good shit that can come from refusing to be complacent.
I want to move on from this, and I haven't done enough to get there.
Saying all of this now probably takes away from whatever poeticism you saw in what I said.
Shit gets better, things will get better, and come to pass. All of this shared sadness isn't for naught.
How far you've fallen someday will be how far you've come.
I'm in a really weird place right now. I met someone awesome and I think I'm starting to crush on her a wee bit. The thing is, I don't know what to do. I just woke up after another dream where I was with you again. I'm trying my damndest to forget you but the feelings aren't dying. It wouldn't be fair to this girl to start anything if I'm still hung up on you. I wish you'd call me sometime. You always know what to do. At times I really miss you. Partly because I'll keep on loving you regardless of how hard I try to stop and partly because you were my best friend. I'd love to talk with you again sometime like we used to but I'm sure it would be too weird for the new guy in your life. And possibly for you as well. Hope you're doing fine.
I really miss you, I know we haven't really talked because ive been really busy with work. But I think about you all the time. You dont know how I feel about you, but I think I do that on purpose. I see how other guys just look at you for your body and I know you feel isolated. I love being your friend and making you laugh but I dont know if I woulnt take advantage of that to worm my self into a relationship with you. Hopefully J will playing games with you, and the only reason I got with S is because I was too afraid to tell you how I feel.
I know you're moving on, and you barely think of me anymore. You could at least have the balls to tell me you're not coming back. Anyway, if you're still not sure, you might not want to take too long. The switch has gone in my head, I'm starting to get over you, I'm starting to get interested in other girls, and I'm starting to see how you wronged me and are playing me like a fool. So don't take too long, or you'll lose me forever.
>>16759511 Dear George, I am so, terribly sad. I love you and you are my best friend. No one has ever taken such good care of me. You make me feel like my life is worth something. You have given me purpose. At the end of the day, I'm just one of many and the words I write here have been said a thousand times before. They will be said a thousand more times before you even think about me the way I think about you. I miss you every moment you are gone from my presence, and I wish that in this life you and I could just make peace with the fact that we're totally in love. Thanks for teaching me that romance isn't magic, but it is most certainly real. I love you. I really, really love you.
M , Why are you doing this to me , i have no idea if you love me or not although you say you do Whats all these kisses about? Why did you kiss me so early in our relationship? Why did we fuck on the first week of knowing eachother? I dont know what to think about you , all i know is that my love grows stronger but also does the hollow i feel inside of me Am i special? Are you worth my time and love? , S
I feel so bad for what I've done, I really do. I feel bad for being such a reckless idiot druggie. I wish I never got in to such things. It wasn't until recently that I started to faintly put the pieces together, the pieces of some of my most regretful moments.
To S, I remember that day very vaguely- very very vaguely. It was around this time I was in to Xanax pretty intensely. I remember you were either tipsy or something else. I was using the restroom or something when you walked in, I think. And, I remember saying something like "you're so pretty S," I think you thanked me. I can't remember what led to the rest, but I do recollect parts of it. I remember at the time, I didn't think I did anything wrong, I know this because I fell straight to sleep after probably as a result of the zanies. In the days that followed I remember I went back to visit, and you seemed really upset with me but I just couldn't figure out why, at the time I couldn't remember anything, and I didn't recollect any of it till just recently. I'm so sorry for doing such things to you, I really am, I'm sorry. I wish I would've never went there that day. I wish I can take things back. I'm terribly sorry- I wish I could've at least tried to apologize in person, I would've if I remembered at the time, I hope you find it in yourself to forgive me. And, do this not for me, but so you can find peace in yourself.
To K, I'm so sorry for what I did to you too. I remember we were both bar'd out with B that day. I secretly had a big crush on you. I remember parts of what happened, and I'm sorry for what I did. I just know that in the moment I wasn't myself, I thought it was okay- what I was doing, I thought we both wanted it. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for ruining you and your relationship of the time. I know you can't forgive me, but I just need you to know that I do feel so horrible for what I've done. --
I can't live with myself. I really can't, I'll be gone very soon. I hope this brings peace to you
I haven't heard from you in awhile. You said you were coming down for a work thing, like you really wanted me to know. It was weird. You left leaving this weird thing between us, and I really don't have enough information to call it anything concrete.
I tried just ignoring you, for the soul fact that I figured you were ignoring me, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I forget you have a lot going on right now, with the move and the new job. But I can't say im not excited to see you. I am curious how this well progress in the future.
I got some pretty decent advice from an anon on this site which was in almost the exact same situation. It put my mind to rest, and gave me the drive to try and make something out of this. So thanks anon, im sure you know who you are. I hope you will get to move past those mixed signals and unfortunate rejection, and find someone better. Because you deserve better.
>>16764405 It was a weird ending. I guess I sort of said it, but I know the last thing I said was "sorry, you're too late on that one". And When they responded with a proper goodbye, I never wrote back. I guess I wish I would've at least been able to tell them that I didn't hate them and that I wasn't mad at them. But unless they see this the chances of us talking are slim to none anyways.
I'm sorry. If it wasn't for her I probably would've gotten back with you but ever since meeting her I just can't bring myself to see any other girl romantically. She's just perfect for me in every way and it pains we deeply that we could never be together. I truly do think that she's the most beautiful girl ever and every time she's close it feels like my heart's about to burst. It's funny because I'm not usually this way, she brings out a side in me that I didn't realise I had. From lust to jealousy, she makes me feel it all.
I haven't seen anyone for a while now and quite frankly she's the only person I miss. Truth be told though, you messaging me actually makes me feel a bit better because it makes me feel like someone actually cares about me. We've broken up for 2 or 3 years now and you still remembered to wish me a happy birthday when most people didn't even do it. I'm sorry R but I truly can't get back with you because she's the only one with my heart and she doesn't even realise it. I hope you find happiness with love because I know I won't.
>>16764505 I dont know if this is about me but... I think your talking about your lame ass family. Your karma is taking matters into your own hands thats not karma thats bitchassness. Bullshit is you thinking youre uppity judge others try to crucify someone but being the true hypocrite you are do the same thing.
>>16764505 are you still visiting in your half dressed clothing to show that you have legs and a back. Poor Dear everyone has that man and animal.. Security security escort the gutter trash away please!!
My mind is a mess and my heart is a goddamn wreck. Not that it matters, it doesn't. I'm throwing myself into sports in hopes that I can kick my aging body back into gear and it helps me sleep better.
If I could just easily fall for the one I'm with, I'd give it a go. I don't want to hurt him, but if he goes on this way, he'll be the one who ends up hurting me. Wouldn't that be par for the course?
I can't make my mind up, and that just throws it in my face how young I still am, and how fucking long it's taken me to grow this much. I thought I knew myself, but it turns out I've got so much more soul searching left to do. I wish I could get away with long, midnight walks like I used to. Introspection isn't attractive, but it's what I've got to do.
And then, perhaps the road I must travel will unroll before me. I'm sure it'll be bumpy and awful, but worth it in the end.
>>16759511 It's ok if you didn't want to talk, I don't mind. Just be polite about it. But don't start a conversation and then fucking take off halfway through, it comes off as a direct insult, and considering you know how I feel about you, it's almost bafflingly dickish. Added to the fact that you're not only logging on and ignoring it, but talking to other people you probably haven't in months, it makes me feel like you're doing it just to spite me. So whatever, I sort of meant what I said initially, that seeing your shit everyday makes me feel terrible, so I think this might be for the best. And to be honest I'm ok with that if this is how you continue a "friendship".
I tried to hang myself in the shower two days ago. I'm glad that I survived, because I hate to think of how you would've reacted had you found me. I'm sorry about the way I am. I will understand if you leave me. Please don't blame me if I go through with it, okay? It isn't your fault. I've been so tired for so long, even before we were together. I just want to stop hurting, it isn't your fault.
I've only gotten to know you for a few weeks now, but we've had a few classes together over the semesters. You're so quiet and at peace, and funny as hell too! I've always had a thing for you, but this semester my passion for you has been growing faster and faster. I finally snagged a seat next to you for one of our classes. We've started talking a little, and that's awesome! We're even facebook friends now, but I'm "friends" with others in the same classes at our college too.
I don't know what to say, or how to approach you. All I can make is small talk, but I'm glad I know that sometimes I can make you chuckle a little. I really want to ask you out for coffee, but idk how to lead up to that. Even still, if you say no then sitting next to you for the rest of the semester will be awkward for the both of us. I really don't want to mess this up! I feel like I could spend a lifetime with you, and I've never felt that with any other girl I've known.
I've dated and met plenty of girls in the past, but you're... different. Just psychologically, you're the most attractive girl I've ever been in the presence of. I feel we could talk for ours, yet still I'm afraid of what to talk about around you. I don't know where to begin! I have high hopes, but idk how long I should wait, and idk if you feel the same. I wish you would give me the faintest sign that you would want more from me.
stop getting your hopes up. close yourself off. its annoying how you immediately open up to anyone who gives you even the slightest attention and then are brought back down to earth once they start ignoring you. why the fuck must you depend on others for happiness? one girl understands the obscure reference on your tattoo and you freak the fuck out and start talking to her, attempting to impress her or some shit. stop doing that, she will not like that. try to be more chill sometimes.
You're out now. It honestly did upset me. The only reason I took that bath was so I could cry alone. I didn't want you to know that you hanging out with someone else upset me so much. Don't worry because it's probably nothing but an injury to my ego. My feelings are invalid so I don't want them to bother you. It's just that that conversation sparked a thought chain that was too much to deal with all at once. For one, you deserve better than me. I wish I could be that for you. Second, I'm upset with my parents because those broken people decided it was a good idea to raise some more broken people. I'm mad at myself and I'm mad at them. I know it's edgy to say so but I really shouldn't have been born. I know I'll never get better. It's a problem that's deeply ingrained in me. It is me. I think of my future and see nothing. I sit here now and do nothing. I thought I might accomplish something for the few hours you'll be gone but all I can do is listen to an album. I can't pick up a book, or play a game, or watch anything. I'm just switching between the same 3 brainless sites. I'm at a loss. I tried to pick up a piece of paper and draw to convey my feelings but I'm talentless with no vision. The page is only a little less empty than I am.
I regret sharing emails with you. For the love of god, do not email me (I know you won't, but just being clear). Most importantly, do not go to Tumblr. I have shit going down there that you shouldn't see.
With regards, some creepy dude to a chick with dyed hair.
>>16762537 I did. And I live of anger instead of sorrow. You made me realize this. Now I'm going to show you what the fuck it means when I say this is an opportunity. Lots of money is an understatement.
The fact that we are on good terms again is and would be obvious to anyone. What they wouldn't know is that this comes after a very long and deafening silence of five years; during which we lived separate and different lives and experienced things without as much as a whisper of or to one another.
You and I are different people now than we were so long ago. At least, that's how you see me.
I'm flattered beyond words that you think I've changed, and become a better person. I certainly have become more responsible but also more worn-out and more jaded and forlorn.
Inferior. Inferior. Inferior. This is the lesson I learned from 2012 all the way up to today. I think I understand why people want to believe in gods, astrology and everything else that isn't grounded in logic. To get answers from an external source for problems they've encountered, with the hope that they could be given insight into what awaits them, too. I don't have such a belief because I was forced to live within logic and forced to believe that only I could ever answer the questions I could pose.
So let me put forth the answers I've come to, without stating the exact questions I asked myself. You sought affection, you didn't care where or who it came from. You loved someone you claimed to have been hit by several times, but part of those claims were not truthful which is also why you've suddenly stopped telling anyone he does that. You were not upset about the end, you were upset that a source of affection had gone, which is why you were angry. You and he will get back together. He is the only person you let have a true connection to you. You will forget me as long as I continue to act as I have done since Christmas. You never wanted to get away from him, you just wanted him to be affectionate towards you.
I am certain you and he will be happy together again. Once you completely forget about me, you'll be even happier. Perhaps he only hit you because you were close to me. Perhaps he was just jealous you stopped looking at him and would spend so much time with me despite the fact you two live together. I don't think that matters, because you chose him over your friends and over me. You trusted and confided in him. When you told me that your vision of a relationship was one in which you were hit, you were actually telling me that you only saw yourself with him. I told you before we started seeing each other that I'd wish you the best no matter what. So be well and completely forget me. Take care, M, and enjoy your Valentine's with G
Want to get together sometime, for a coffee/music event/binge of a tv series? I know you have the at least the teeniest crush on me. There's this great place in the city I think you'd like, and I'm really loving your attitude to life in general.
L, C, and S,
Guys, I appreciate the very polite tones, always moving the banter away from me, but I'm not a virgin. Admittedly I get less than you two, but I'm also pretty sure I get more than you S. Thanks anyway though, it's very sweet.
Doing alright for once without you guys. Still, we need to meet up more often when you get back.
Yeaahhhh... my bad. Admittedly it wasn't my idea, but I could have stopped it with you. But hey, at least I did it while single, right?
You're tough as fuck. I know we meet up like once in a blue moon, but holy shit you're strong. I know it's going to sound condescending, but life does get better. This year has been pretty terrible for you, but don't worry, it will improve.
I'm getting a job, as the current situation is unsustainable. I know you wanted me to have an easier ride like my sisters and focus on my studies, but you can't sustain this. Hell, you couldn't even start this, I had to do that. Don't worry, I'm continuing with my studies. Gonna earn lots, save it up, yadayada. But we aren't going to be able to see each other as much, as I may be busy more. Still love you.
Dear grandma, I'll never speak to you again but I remember what you taught me. After being a "slut" I finally found the girl of my dreams, we connect on a level both physically and mentally and thoughtfully. I never met anyone like her and I thank you for telling me what's right and wrong and I'll Persue this till the end just like you told me. Oh god I wish I could hear your advice once more because I have this stupid trust issues and always have my mind wandering to stupid places. I realized they have had a life before me and I really shouldn't intervene in their group because of my selfishness.
hey you, i know you don't realize how beautiful you are. no, not your body. altought you sure are turning heads. i mean YOU. you are still so new and innocent. so free of damage and so open to the world. i don't think you know how rare this is. you can't see how precious you are. i want to put you in a safe and keep you sheltered. you think i deserve better, but -oh boy, are you wrong! you are perfect. your imperfections are perfect. i wouldn't change a single thing about you. i love you. And i wish you could see yourself trough my eyes. then you would understan how much i really do love you.
S. If you're wondering if there will be a time i'm gonna forgive you, you're mistaken. You should be glad that you're so far away, because if not, i'd break you. I am well aware that you can't get your shit together after all you did, but you dig this hole for yourself and i hope you'll rot in there. I know sooner or later you will want to see if things changed. I'm patiently waiting for that. I will play along, wait for you to actually believe everything is okay and then stab you in the front. I resent you like nobody else, and sending your good-for-nothing friend after i called you out made me resent you even more. So keep living your shallow, empty life while climb higher. You started a war, and i'm gonna end it. Hope it will always sting. M.
I know you're really hurting but this was for the best. I know that I'd never be good enough for you anyway- I don't think I ever was.
Telling me that you were not as attracted to me when my self esteem is at rock bottom anyway has done nothing for my mental health. There's also much more to life than having perfect nail polish and flawless makeup.
I hated that you pretty much made me (under the guise of 'ecouragement') change the way I dressed because you disliked my personal style and how you flew off the handle at me because I dyed my hair without talking to you about it first. It's my fucking hair. I can do what I want with it.
Yes, I have scars from OCD and you constantly pointing every single imperfection out on my skin was a very dickish move.
Showing your brother that pretty damn exposed photo of me when you promised it was only for you was fucking wrong too. Even more so because he felt the need to comment on my body.
Commenting on other girls in front of me then asking why I went quiet felt like bornerline mental abuse. You fucking knew why.
I just hope that you find the flawless goddess you so desperately crave.
Its been 2 years since we've quit talking and I still think about you everyday. Everytime I head a sad song. Every time I hear anything about law or fashion you appear in my head as much as want your memory to leave me alone it won't go away. I can still hear your voice and the way we used to hug to even as close as how your hair smelled. After the depression and suicide attempts I wouldn't take you back but I would love to at least know If when we talked meant just as much to me as I did you.
Hey. I know It's a while since our last talk. I'm sorry I'm showing up again. I know you're happy with her, I know you two have lots and lots of sex and drugs. But I'm fucking dying now. I wanted to balance you, and take you on the right path. I know I do not do drugs like you do, I know I am inadequate for you. I don't know how to have fun as you do. But you'd have a better life. I wanted to give you a long-term solution for your depression, but you refused. A random basic bitch arrived and took you from me, she wanted to give you a short-term solution for you, and you accept it. I miss you a lot. I'm having random affairs around, but none of them make me feel like you made me feel. please do not erase me from your memories.
Hi me You are not a great person. You have no self control, you are depressed, you are addicted to alcohol. Okay let's fix this. You probably want to know who I am. I'm you but not really. I'm that part of you that exists but doesnt. I'm that part of you that makes you do some of the bad things. I tell you what to do to get what you want and then you dont do it. You just follow my advice at the worst time in the worst way. First, you wont ever get back with her. Fucking deal with it. I'm sorry that it didnt work out for you. I really do, but get the fuck over it. Stop talking to her, stop thinking about her Second, alcohol is killing you. Mentally and physically and emotionally. Imagine what you could do if you werent drunk. Imagine who you could date if you werent overweight. So stop drinking. I imagine you'll read this Saturday, so you have friday to get drunk even though you shouldnt. Third. Get a haircut. Shave it all off. Get some new shoes. Clean your apartment. Get a hold of yourself Last, its going to be okay. You have a lot of work to do, you have a lot to improve. But you will fucking do it. Why? Because you are meant for more.
Hey, I really fucking like you i would say love but I know you don't feel the same way, sometimes I wish I'd never met you because You occupy my thoughts and I can't think of anything else.your the most beautiful girl I've ever seen inside and out, your personality is perfect and when I talk to you it seems as if I've known you since we were babies, everything just seems so natural. I just know we'll always be friends, but I care about you beyond that although I may seem another way, but it's only because I care and you mean so much to me. I hope you see me the way I see you one day, but until then just know that your friendship means a lot
I was so happy to talk to you, to be in your company again. I know you're just a friendly person. I know you're just nice. But you still make my heart race and I'm stupid to entertain the idea that you do it because you enjoy me. But I want it so, so badly...
I'm sorry for thinking intimately about you as well. It's inappropriate. But something in your voice made my heart skip a beat and I was kind of fixated on your mouth. and I thought about what I would give to hear you sigh from pleasure, to make your mouth curl into a contented grin if I trailed kisses along your jaw and neck. Sorry.
ahhhh i like you so much. you seem to really enjoy me for me and that is exciting. im really happy that you so eagerly said yes to the date tomorrow, i guess that means youre into me. please dont think im weird or awkward, its not an exaggeration to say that i have no idea how to act on a date other than to be myself. hope you understand and im looking forward to bubble tea tomrw :>
Fuck you. Fuck you for trying to ruin my life. Fuck you for turning my friends and even my own brother against me. Fuck you for trying to convince my now girlfriend that I was a rapist. Fuck you for being the fat, ugly, diseased whore you are. Fuck you for laughing at me because I was in pain. Fuck you for treating me like your play toy. Fuck you for the countless lies you told me. Fuck you for using me. Fuck you for manipulating me. Fuck you for making me want to die countless times. Fuck you for refusing to just leave my life completely. Fuck you for sending nudes to any guy who gave you a compliment. Fuck you for having such an impact on my life, all I want is for you to be a distant memory. Seriously, Fuck you Chey
I can't sleep. I've been thinking about why I was upset. I wanted to bury what happened but I still have the looks you guys gave my burned in my mind. Trying to rationalize what I did frustrated me. In the end I decided to live with my mistakes and learn from them.
But when you started acting like we were friends again, there was a glimmer of hope. I guess thought I could clear my conscious if I gave you a heartfelt apology face to face. I felt like I had to have your forgiveness. When you showed up in my life again, I forgot that I had learned to live without you.
So in a desperate attempt for forgiveness, I pushed the idea of talking it out. Which only pushed you further away.
I can't forgive myself but I thought having your forgiveness was a good start.
Fuck me right! I don't know anymore Leah. There's no way I can come out of this with my balls intact. I am a total loser. And this attempt was my last ditch effort.
lol I was planning on making a huge scene on Sunday. Instead, I'm writing this to try to get everything back in perspective. I was wrong. I wish I could explain why I think what happened, happened, but that's irrelevant. Please understand...I never meant to disrespect you.
The more I type the more I realize I care about you. There's so much I wish I could have discussed with you. Watching you make it through life's struggles gives me hope about my future.
Look at me spilling my guts to no one. I'm pretty pathetic, lol how could you have been friends with such a loser.
But I understand we can't be friends again. Back to square one for me haha... :(
I never knew why you grew so cold and distant. You were the only person I ever romantically opened up to. I loved you so much that I now feel like a fool for making myself so vulnerable. I shared three of the best years of my life with you. I wish I could've had more. You and I had one of the best nights of our relationship. The next morning I awoke to find a text message saying that you didn't see our relationship going anywhere. You wanted to be friends. When I saw your text I could only reply "what happened?". You told me you weren't capable of loving anyone anymore, including me. We drifted apart after that short exchange. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to have children with you. I wanted to be with you until the last of my life left me. I now carry this perpetual thought of what things would have been like if you hadn't left. The depressing thing is that I still love you. I wonder if you even still think about me. It's been six months now. I want you to be happy. I don't think I can be happy anymore, so I think one of us at least should have a chance at happiness. You told me you couldn't love anyone anymore. I now understand that feeling.
In the long-term it does... in the short-term, if you aren't strong mentally, it can fuck you up for life. I was considering studying psychology for a while, because I've been sent for treatment to various psychologists between the age of 8 and 13. Luckily I realized this mistake just in time.
Anyway, dear M, I hope your medical problem is not too big that it cannot be solved. You are the first woman who accepted to go on a second date with me and I truly like you for who you are. Ok, you are hot, but your personality is probably even better. I'm still virgin (age 22) and Saturday I might get laid with another woman, but I'm still thinking about you. I even wrote you a message which will lead me to friendzone "I may have seen you once but if you need me I'm here" because I genuinely care about you. I really mean it, I really want to see you :)
>>16759574 These are the words I wish to hear from you, Marina.
The ink never faded. The black books still hold the records of every way I mistreated you. I was immature. We both were. Im sorry for all of my cruelties. So much has changed. I think I'm going to write to you today. I just want you to listen, the way you do in my dreams.
Dear E, I'm over you. but if at any moment we'd talk again. I'd fall for you all over again. I know cause we did under a different name. We still had that connection. It felt good but it gave me a chance to say a proper goodbye even if it was out of context. I'm sure you figured it was me. thats why i haven't seen you again. and every time i mention your name my whole body feels heavy and my heart tightens I can neither describe it as good or bad. I just wanna talk to you like if we were strangers. at least we'd both go Into this knowing that what we had and wanted will always be unattainable but at least we can always have half of it? -S
Six days to go until I can see you again. Maybe less if you're "in the area" but that ain't gonna happen. I'm really pining for you right now. This is terrible.
I wish that I could flip a switch and just stop feeling this way about you, it would make things so much easier for everyone. Maybe if I could flip that switch then I wouldn't be so affected by every inch of your beautiful skin that is accidentally exposed. I mean, honestly, what kind of friend spends this much time thinking about how heavenly it would be to kiss your belly? I crave you. My need for your company gets stronger and stronger. At the same time, I am becoming more and more aware of how beautiful you are. My obsession is starting to drift into lust, as I become more attracted to you. You are just too fucking sexy. Soon I am going to have to tell you, so that you can reject me, and I can start to get over you. If I don't tell you then I am going to explode. My head is full of you all day and I feel as though the explosion has already begun. All day, I am burning up. Every day.
Everything I say about wanting to stay with her is a lie. If I could be with you then I'd drop her in a heartbeat. But I can't be with you. So the lie exists and I live the lie. You are the strength within me, but also the poison that ruins me. This is not healthy. I am not healthy. Will you be able to accept how crazy I am, when I lay it out for you? Even before this obsession, I loved you. I never want to lose you as a friend. But I never want to be apart from you. This is going to be difficult. I am making this difficult. (But in my heart, it's all so simple!) I wish. I wish we could talk. I wish I was someone that could give you what you need. I wish that you could love me, but I know that's not how it works.
J, I am so infatuated with you when I'm not talking to you, but when I am with you, it feels like I'm just following a script and trying to keep you with me without having to leave my comfort zone. I don't think I'm in love with you but at the same time I think you're absolutely perfect for me and I'd probably fall for you if I could trust you more and if you knew the truth about me. You are everything I've ever dreamed of and I think about you all day, it's just hard for me to express myself when I'm with you. I'm sorry I'm probably not the type of girlfriend you're used to. I'm trying to like myself more so I can be more open with you and feel like I deserve you. And soon I'll tell you the truth. And if you try to leave me, I'll manipulate you into staying, even if it could get you into trouble. What is wrong with me?
other J, You better not go back to her, please don't. I wish we could have been together.
other J, I'm sorry you thought it was that way. I hope you don't find out that I lied to you because I don't want to hurt you. I just hated myself too much to let someone else into my life and I only like older bad boys because I'm a loser with daddy issues.
S, I wish you'd show what you are thinking more. I know I'm just an annoying student to you but I just want to pretend to myself that I'm more.
G, I want you to love me but I don't want to feel the same or be with you. I just don't want you to like her more and I like how you treat me.
I had to leave. You were driving me crazy. Every night I couldn't sleep in fear of hearing my phone go off with you calling me back in. I couldn't take your obsession with me and your inability to rely on others once in a while. I couldn't take you talking behind my back when I did wrong. You never listened to me and every single problem you face would go away if you just tried. Instead you tried to bring me down with you, with your problems, back stabbings, and other shit.
I don't give a fuck if you want me back. I don't even give a fuck if you think it's my fault. You were nice at the beginning, but very fucked up and toxic for me. I hope your life is better without me because I'm not going to lead you anymore.
I left. And I am glad. I want to harbor the ounce of dignity I once had, anyhow.
Dear younger siblings, I know I've always been that harsh older brother who's always been on your ass about the smallest things, but just know that deep down I'm sorry. Honestly, I'm only doing this for you 3 to have the best opportunities in life. Yeah, you complain about having me to take you 3 to tutoring Monday-Thursday and also complain about how I make you guys finish your homework everyday after school. But if only you realize how important this is for your future >.< Please don't be like your older brother who goofed off his whole life thinking that he would be irresponsible and not care about the world. Now that I'm in my 2nd year of college I realized how important this is for me and it's pretty much to late for me to do anything about it now. But while I'm away from home I really want you 3 to realize how important it is to become successful for mom and dad. Don't become the anchor-ass useless older brother and make our parents disappointed, please become successful. I was the Guinea pig of the family and now that I know better please make it so mom and dad can be at least proud of 3/4 children. I'm counting on you 3, don't let me down. From, older brother.
I am trying to forget about you and move on. But I'm in this situation that is just fucking me up. It's absurd to think that you might care more about me than my, I guess, boyfriend does. But we met more than a year ago, is it strange to think we transcend the proper acquaintanceship?
At any rate, I'll soon have my answers, I think, and I fear you won't be in my immediate future. So perhaps in the next life we will meet under the proper circumstances and fall in love. Or it will be like this again, where we can only watch from the other side as we struggle and fumble through failed relationship attempts. Though I hope yours are more fruitful than mine.
I hope you're okay. I was really worried earlier about your chest pain. I always tell you to sleep early every 2 am. I'm just glad i got the chance to chat with you tonight knowing that you're home safe after your training.
I might watch one of your games. I want to be by your side.
I know you were trying up until I told you what I did
And you still kept trying
I was too foolish, selfish, and fucked up to notice how hard you were really trying
I'm sorry, with every ounce of my being, I am sorry
Loving you has profoundly aged me
This isn't right, I try to make changes, go to school, go to work, exercise
And I come home, and that bag of letters and bookmarks you made sits in a luggage bag, like a benign tumor
I was going to throw it away a few days ago until I opened it. I don't know what kind of person I am, but hurting the person who wrote those, how they were written; with so much love, affection, and eloquence; I don't know what kind of person could do that. There's something wrong with me. Every day I feel as if I have to make a penance, I cannot enjoy anything anymore, anytime I see anyone who remotely resembles you I start to shake. Physically shake.
I'm now starting to take my life into my own hands. You made me happy, and I liked who I was when I was with you despite having felt guilty almost all of the time. Even if you never admitted it, you understood me. For whatever that was worth at the time.
I want to be happy for my own sake, and that concept is beyond foreign to me.
I don't know what intent you had in saying "enjoy your solitude" when had stopped speaking.
I won't just be kind words and good intentions anymore. That doesn't make a person.
If I work for love and happiness then someday I'll actually be able to value its worth instead of wanting it all of the time.
Things seem to be going swell with your current bf, and I'm happy for you. But it hurts to see you fading away from my life. A selfish part of me desperately wants us to be together again, but I don't think it's likely. I miss your embrace.
Ugh. I want to see you but I'm not sure if now is a good time. You're still the best lay I've ever had. And still, no one will love me like you do. But I know it's a cruelty. I know it's not going anywhere. I'm using you but I need you. I've been here before. Just like before, I keep telling myself "just a little while longer."
This time it's a bit different, though. I'm out of places to turn to. I can't burn this bridge just yet.
I wish it wasn't like this. I have to look out for me, though. If I don't, no one else is going to. I have nowhere else to turn. People are so indifferent. But you're not. I am a parasite attached to your love and your kindness and your body and your resources. I only pray that I won't ruin your life. I only pray that I haven't already.
If you knew the truth, you would never forgive me. And so too will I never forgive myself.
I have no family. I have no money. I am desperate for a job but there are none and I can't afford to go back to where I'm from. I could be with someone else but they would never accept me the way that I am currently. Only someone with a prior attachment could, and the person in question is the only one to whom that applies.
And besides, we genuinely enjoy the time we spend together.
I will try to make this up to them somehow. It just has to be later.
Missions are always accepting of most people. If you have a problem with drugs, go to a state-run clinic, or, you know, get clean.
Don't try to justify it. Your diction and the way you talk is a dead giveaway.
You're doing what is easiest, not what is the absolute last resort.
Throw away your pseudo moral shit, get off your ass, and do it the way it ought to be done. People doing the shit you're doing is one of the innumerable reasons social interaction has gone so downhill lately.
Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and learn to be self-sufficient. Don't take the easy way out like a lamprey eel latched to the underbelly of a whale.
Don't justify, take the initiative. It requires actual work, a lot of it, and it will suck ass, but being able to look back at the decision you made to do that instead of "I left after getting I got what I could most easily get."
Be a decent person, pull your own damn weight, it'll turn you into a better and more self sufficient than you're capable of imagining.
Do the right thing, don't take advantage of someone like that. It makes you less, and you'll continue to be less after.
In hour I'm going to see my lawyer about terms for a divorce.
Last night I met two awesome guys in the club we went to this dude's sweet loft, drank, did blow with Ritalin, talked and talked I loved those guys and then I went home with the other one fucked him. I'm a whore. I've never done anything like this and I'm old as fuck. But at least I'm not a cheating whore.
T, i wish you'd call so i could hear your voice again. i know you wont ever be able to call again, but the idea of falling asleep to your voice again makes me happy. I know why you push me away and beg me not to care, it only makes me care more. I know what I'm doing to myself. I just cant move on just yet. I truly do miss you.
I wish you were people I could look up to. People I could trust. People I could come if I were in need. But you're not. Nothing about you comes off as genuine. You both seem so hateful especially to each other. Somehow you both ended up so bitter and cold. Somehow you went through life chasing material pleasures and here you are with no hobbies or interests beyond watching television.
You want to know why I avoid you? Because you depress the ever living shit out of me. Both of you have come to represent exactly what to avoid in life.
It sucks that I have to go down my own path and figure it all out on my own, but honestly your existence means nothing to me. It's not my fault, either. You reap what you sow. And you stopped growing a long time ago. You just don't even seem alive to me.
I'm so sorry for feeling this way, but I don't want to go on. I know it's not your fault, and I feel so guilty, but you didn't warn me that you were going to be this way. I am just not mentally capable of constantly being around you when you are sad to encourage you - it wears me out, and you have used up all the empathy I have to offer. After we start vising uni I want to break up with you. I will say that it's the best thing to do because long-distance relationships don't work, but in reality I just want an excuse to go on a break. I know that, even though you will pretend it doesn't, it will hurt you, but I'm far more selfish than you always gave me credit for. I'll probably not find someone as genuinely nice and intelligent as you again in a long time, but I'm just not strong enough to always be there for you.
Took not even two months to be forgotten. I guess that's the best for him. Since we'll have no reason to interact with each other anytime soon, he'll likely never remember me. He got a happy ending and is no longer depressed, while I'm just kinda reflecting. This has ultimately been the worst start to a year I've had so far.
Clap, clap, clap for all the successful couples and lovers in the world, and all those who will have a nice Valentine's Day. Clap, clap, clap even for him, he who will spend it with someone important to him. The only good thing that came out of all of this, really, is that he's no longer telling people how he wants to kill himself. Not because he met me or anything, he just got over it himself.
I don't have it in me to be angry at anything or anyone other than myself, really. But even then I think I just pity myself. What a joke.
I'm getting frustrated with you. If you don't make plans, I'm giving up, because clearly once a week is too much to handle. How can you consider me your girl when we haven't seen each other in three weeks and we hardly talk? Seriously? I don't get it.
So would you just come over already so we can set this straight? I'm miserable enough with this stupid sinus infection as is.
I like you, and I know that you like me. I know you live 400 miles away and due to complications in both our lives, there's no chance in hell that things would work out between us, as neither of us has the luxury of holding a long distance relationship, but I wish that you would open up a little more to me. Even if we can't be together, I'm still your friend, and I wish that you would lean on me just a little when things are hard for you. Every time life knocks me down, you always show up to help me back on my feet (like seriously, you seem to appear at the weirdest, but most fortunate times in places that don't make too much sense), and I wish that I could do the same for you.
D, We broke up one year ago today. And for the first time since then, I don't want to get back together. I miss being friends, I miss doing shit together. But you and me were never right. We had issues that doomed us from the start but even so, I don't regret our time together and I really hope you don't either.
This is cliche, but I hope that one day we could be friends again. Probably not. And since I assume any girlfriends I have down the road would be rightfully uncomfortable with that, maybe it's a thing best avoided entirely. But who knows? Maybe someday we could see each other and smile, instead of pretending we don't know each other.
In any case, I hope that you find everything you're looking for in life and more. -J
>>16759511 I'm pissed that we can't be friends anymore even though we stopped fucking around. I wish I could get some nudes or something so at least I felt like I had a better reason for my girlfriend to be so pissed that I lost a friend.
I told you. I FUCKING told you. And you treated me like an enemy. Hell, you treated all of us like fucking enemies the second you started dating her. Yeah, I was interested in her, but I didn't let my happiness get in the way of you two, so I didn't object. I knew it was going to hurt but I expected that.
What I wasn't expecting was for you to drop our friendship like a bag of bricks just because you got someone new to stroke your ego. What blows me away is how adamantly you said you didn't want a new relationship, that you needed time after your SECOND fucking divorce to think about things. You explicitly told me that you weren't even interested in her, yet the second she bats her eyes at you all that talk goes out the window. I'm not pissed because you "took my girl" or whatever high-school cliche you want to slap on it. I'm pissed because of your complete disregard for integrity and respect.
Your last semester? It was was everyone's last semester, but you used that as an excuse to avoid people. None of us had any time but they let me crash on their couch when things got tough. They took time to listen and care.
The pain and misery I went through, the breakdowns (yeah, i'm the "emotional child that needs to get my shit together") wasn't because I was torn up over some girl. I lost my closest friend. I lost a fucking brother. I was willing to do whatever it took to repair things between us, so I asked for space, for one iota of mercy in late trade for the grace I freely gave to you. But you couldn't even compromise on that, because it was "unfair" for me to ask for her to not visit for a couple days in OUR apartment which I fucking paid for.
You said you wanted an open talk. I scraped every blackened bit of grime from my soul and put it on display when you asked for truth. All I needed to hear was that you still cared, that I still had a place in your life, but all I got was accusations of immaturity and unfairness.
I may have been emotional, but you were completely inappropriate. Yes, I was more sensitive to your 'casual interactions', but straddling him like a stripper giving a lapdance in public is inappropriate. Abandoning chairs entirely and jumping in his lap at every opportunity quickly goes from cute to disgusting. Showing up at his apartment every night uninvited is an invasion for his roommates. You pulled every every shallow, manipulative, slutty high-school girl cliche you possibly could and played the victim when asked to tone it down.
I was on good terms with your family, and learned from your mother that you would come home crying about all the mean things we said. No one said anything mean. All those accusations flying around of you being a slut? That was your subconscious reflecting on your actions. All that criticism everyone threw at you? That was your subconscious telling you that he wasn't reliable.
But no, it was love at first site, and that can't ever be wrong. Never mind he was half again your age, never mind that he was going through his second divorce and was still married.
I'll let go of the times you stonewalled me because of things I never said then blamed me for not communicating. I'll even forgive you for calling me manipulative when all I asked you for was to talk. What I can't forgive is your hypocrisy. You hid atop a podium of "logic" when all of your claims were emotional. I tried to explain my motivations and intentions. You flat out said "no" and replaced everything I explained with your own assumptions. I was floored. You pinned every slight onto me. Any pain I felt was me misunderstanding what you said. Any pain on your side was me being hurtful. Any suggestion otherwise was me being manipulative and hurtful.
You made promises and never followed up. You were the manipulator, you were the one who failed at communication, and you're too much of an arrogant cunt to ever consider that you might be in the wrong.
I need someone to peg me. My wife doesn't want to. Maybe, you could? Just as a favour, no strings attached. I promise that I won't fall any deeper in love with you than I already am. Please? I'd owe you one. Or you can ask anything you like from me as payment. Make me yours. I want to be yours. I need to be yours. Take me.
Dear S, I'm sorry for smudging those few drawings that you showed me, remembering how that happened makes me laugh sometimes because you were such a good artist, and I regret not taking the time to draw with you because I would have learned so much from observing you. -D
I never wanted a relationship in the first place, but you wouldn't stop asking, reassuring me that everything would be alright. Well look where we are now. We don't even talk anymore. I told you I wasn't ready. I told you it was a bad idea. I shouldn't have gave in. You were worth so much more to me as a friend. Now you're gone. And for what? You white knight some mentally unstable bitch and talk about dating her while we're still in a relationship, and I'M the bad guy? I told you I needed space, but you clearly have no concept of what that is. I was afraid you'd be too immature to handle a relationship and I was right. I regret it all. You're just another heart in a jar on my shelf and it disgusts me because it didn't have to end this way. You didn't even have the decency to call me and tell it was over. Instead, I wake up to a novel of things I've done to wrong you.
This was never about my feelings for you. I never questioned them until you started to play games. You were such a decent human being. You were such a good friend, an amazing person to have a conversation with. I admired you. But the way you just threw it all away reminded me of the way I used to be. When I took things for granted. When I believed good things were always around the corner and "everything happens for a reason". I can't be with someone like that. One of the things you complained about was that you couldn't find a lasting relationship. Well how is that supposed to happen if you just throw them away when things get rough? You fucking don't. You fix things. You wait out the storm and suck it the fuck up. We were both at fault and you know it. I'm not even angry that you left me. I'm angry that you were the one who wanted this in the first place. We were amazing and now we're nothing. You could have been my best friend but instead you let your enormous ego get the better of you, not wanting to be in the "friend-zone".
Our conversation yesterday means more to me than you will ever know. You're a genuine person that didn't have to talk to me, but chose to out of the goodness of your heart. I'm so glad we had the opportunity to pray together, to laugh together, and to share our stories.
>>16776134 This sounds familiar. I am SO desperate to talk to *her* that I don't even recognise myself anymore. Who is this crazy stranger standing in my skin? She was so close to me earlier. So close.
I miss you. Why did you change? Why did you just leave after everything? I don't understand... You just left. I saved your life and now you're dating a guy who barely cares enough to reply to you. You're asking me for relationship advice and you're ranting about how you want to hug him. What the fuck do you expect me to do? Are you trying to make me commit suicide or hate you? Do you seriously think that showing me that you've moved on will force me to move on?
We were going to get married. We talked about having kids for fucks sake. How could you possibly think I would get over you? I miss you so much, even though you've shown me how horrible you can be. You were so perfect for me before you moved to the US. Why did you change? What the hell happened to you? We could be happy together if you would just stop being so weird about it! You used to want to marry me. You were my sweet little angel. My world. And I was your universe, as you told me several times. I was always there for you no matter what. When you were suicidal and I was in class I got out and CALLED YOU. You have always been worth more than avoiding embarrassment to me. So what the fuck, J? Why did you leave? Why won't you answer my calls anymore...
You're happy with him, aren't you?
You're going to go on and marry someone else...
You'll name your daughter what we agreed we would name ours, but I won't be in the family photo...
Just... Make sure that when you are old and gray he will hold you the way I would.
>>16776349 I was talking to a buddy of mine about girls just yesterday and he said something that was pretty inspiring. He said he was pretty much a sperg with girls - all quiet and non-pursuing - to the point where he let it gnaw and feed off him - it would BURN in his heart until a physical pain would build up and he just HAD to talk to "her." He said it works most of the time, getting over his fears, by playing into them.
Zeynep is a gay name, you're a rigid bitch, and I don't care how petty I sound.
You went from fucking someone unprotected and whining about pregnancy fears to me to laughing about how you went out with your tutor.
I don't care about your problems anymore, I'm either happy nor sad about whatever happens to you. For the level of intelligence you have, you're a fucking moron.
Tired of caring about things and people that ought not to matter. You're one of them. I'm getting my shit together and cutting vestigal people like you out.
Done talking to people who only talk to me to complain or when there isn't anyone else left to talk to. Don't ask me how I'm doing if all you're going to do cut me off mid sentence and talk more about your own shit. I've listened, I don't care anymore. I gave you input and sound advice, you chose not to take it, and you come bitching to me about the same shit like a petulant child. I don't fucking CARE anymore. I have enough of my own problems to deal with. It would have been nice if you got knocked up because at least you would have shut the fuck up and closed into that area of your life instead of popping up out of nowhere and intermittently talking to me.
Fuck, I'm pathetic. I need to take my own advice. This is the first week in my life I've thought about taking a shotgun round to the dome. I thought about where I could get a shitty Stephen's, and how much ammunition to buy and what additional items to get at once so it wouldn't seem suspicious. Then I was going to walk as far into the woods as I could, sit against the tree, and shoot myself. I thought about how long it would take for someone to get the downwind of the smell, for a dog to drag a jaw fragment or finger into their owner's yard, and whether or not I should leave a note or any form of identification on my body. But I won't, I can't, it's hardwired into me not to give up. Which makes it even shittier, because I sit with this shit in my head and carry it with me when I go out to get the fucking paper or buy a gallon of milk. I don't want to feel this fucking hopeless all of the time and think that I have nothing left to live for.
To Matt, Ryan, Julia, and most of my family, fuck all of you. I reached out to you in all of the ways I thought I knew how to, and you snubbed the everloving fuck out of me. Grow up. And a double fuck you to you, Ryan, you spindly, arrogant cuntwipe.
Bob - I hope your boat capsizes close enough to the bay so that you can see the land out of your window, but are pinned in, and slowly suffocate to death in that little shitbox dingy cabin watching the gulls circle the pine trees, you kilt wearing dipshit.
Mike - You're just as much of a dipshit as your brother, if not more so. I'm glad you got another lemon of a girlfriend. Seems like you really do go for women who remind you of your mom. Die alone.
Mom & Dad - I'm sorry I let myself turn out this way, I'm sorry that I have so much hate in me. This is all the shit I never say, this all the shit I keep in, day in, day out.. This is the first time I've ever fully articulated my thoughts on this shit to any capacity. I'm going to feel guilty after pressing the submit button because that's the only way I know how to react to any deviation from my normal routine of doing things because of how set in my depressive ways I am.
I want to feel like a person again. I'm not giving up on life, and I'm never going to. I will continue to fight through this bullshit until my dying breath. I need to let go of all of this fear and bullshit. It's slowly killing me inside. I am so tired of feeling like this. I need to make a positive change. I need to take the initiative and just fucking take care of myself.
I am so distrustful of people that I can't even write in this thread, even though I want to.
There's a 0.00000001% chance that someone might recognize something I write.
I can't let anyone know I'm unhappy. I have no reason to be, I just am.
Unlike a lot of people here I have a job that I like doing. I have some good friends. Everyone describes me as funny.
I've never had a relationship though. Being funny isn't enough. I guess that after a while people just see through me. There is just not a lot of personality there anymore. Being sarcastic is just a wall that I've put up. Every day I become more alone behind that wall. Every day I grow more empty;
I've become quite good at having conversations without actually ever telling something meaningful about myself. I don't think a lot of people even notice that. Only my close friends notice that I'm closing myself of more and more.
Daily life has just become a heavy burden. One by one I've lost interest in my hobby's. The only thing I'm still good at now is my job.I enjoy being out of the house and having something to do,.. But as soon as I get home, I just dump myself in front of the TV and do nothing..Every evening..Every weekend... I come home alone to nothing. I can't seem to motivate myself into doing something...
The first time we met, things moved fast and we kissed a few days after we met. We live quite a while away from eachother and figured to just leave it and stay friends. I still think you are one of the most amazing persons that i have ever met, and ive never felt anything like the time we kissed. We get to see eachother a few times a year at the max, but we talk all the time. The day you got a bf, i fell a few miles, but i moved on and figured that i can't keep myself tangled in an imaginary life that might never happen. The day you told me that you might move to my city for school, i didn't know how to feel, with you still having a bf, and us agreeing that long distance is a bitch, and you saying that you're the kind of person that can't be in a long distance relationship, i wonder what you will decide. I won't make anything happen untill you break up with the other guy, because i cant make him go through something like that, noone should ever go through with that. And if he figured that you're someone to treat right he must be a genuine person. When we met last, all of the drama all the other people got into, i just couldnt stand, i went off on so many walks meeting new people and everyone else was just too buisy laying around doing nothing and getting rejected by eachother. Us guys talked at night about everything between the skies, and the subject of women come up, i figure i don't care enough to say my opinions about it, but they figure out that you and you should be together, and then they come to me, they tell me, if V didn't have a bf she would be all over you C. I respond: Shure i think? A few days you told me that you like me, was sick of all the shit they stirred up. I asked you why you didnt come with me and my other friend for a walk, and meet new people, and you told me that you were afraid that i would see you as annoying, and that you often are conserned about being considered annoying. I will never get tired of you.
You keep being a pain in my ass which is a let-down really, but that's your decision. I want to snap you out of it, but that's not my job. My job is to give you feedback and if it doesn't change anything, simply leave when you're that pain in my ass.
You were the sweetest guy I have ever met (online) you told me everything i could possibly want to hear. I was trying to figure out a way to come and see you even though you didnt know. You asked for access to my bank account because you were out of the country and wanted to deposit your tax return in it. I told you no, and then your whole attitude changed. i may be lonely, I am NOT stupid. I know a scammer when I see one. the final give away? for someone who loved me so much? I have not heard from you since.
>>16776653 Right on the money. Now stop with your hateful acts. You call me an asshole, but who's the unreachable mean one here? Liking the control you think you're exerting sweetie? You're not that sweet now are you... appearances sadly deceive. Even your best friend who I thought was a nice and moral person, much better than myself (srs), supported you in your every decision. What an enormous let-down. This isn't kindergarten. This is the grown-up world. You're in your 20s. And what you're doing is fucking annoying if not just creepy. And you're religious? What did those books teach again? And I'm the asshole badboy? Kek
>>16776685 Very strange that my post should ring so truely in your ears when it wasnt about you.You never met, nor did I talk about any of my friends HE was in control the whole time, not me. AND I am nowhere near my 20's and he knows that.
I'm intoxicated enough to think this is a good idea so let's go. Sorry I'm such a pussy/so shitty with romance. I should be honest with you, I want to be with you...I may not know much but I know what I want, and that is you. But honestly I just have no idea how to go about bringing up the subject or how to tell if you're interested or anything... Please, somehow let this work out...and I'm sorry for making you deal with this especially if you're not interested.
I love you, G L
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