I'd like to start off by saying that this isn't me throwing myself a pity party, it's me actually looking for advice on how to change my life for the better. mu biggest issues in life right now are my inability to get laid, and my complete and utter boredom/lack of motivation in life.
>on medication for depression, keeps it at bay for the most part but I've had suicidal thoughts in the past
>hated HS, thought it was insanely boring, serious depression
>Got over my depression, dated a 9/10 awesome girl senior year, she was a junior, was my first GF
>the farthest we got was a HJ
>Broke up with me the summer before college because she couldn't look at me without thinking about how I was going to be off at college with other women in a few months
>Went to college with tons of confidence and energy
>Roommate is insane, picture the most offensive stereotype of a gay black guy, that's him. Hangs gay porn on the walls and his bed is covered in semen stains. Snores EXTREMELY loud. He does annoying shit so I make fun of him and as a result we hate each other
>rest of my floor is the football team, all extremely annoying
>completely isolated on my floor as a result
>I've made ~5 decent friends and many acquaintances, but don't feel super close with any of them. Feel really alone all the time
>Haven't hooked up with anyone, then again haven't met any girls that I really want to fuck here
I'll post the rest as a reply, field too long.
So that's what brings me to my current situation. Because of all the shit I'm dealing with, I've just accepted feeling like shit, and as a result I just feel empty. I don't care about anyone. I'm not socially awkward, but I've grown so apathetic that no one wants to get to know me because they sense my apathy and assume that I don't like them. I try to act nice but it just feels fake and gross to me. I wish I could be nice and warm, but I just feel so empty. Not depressed, just empty. I don't want to do anything. I have to force myself to go to class, and I don't have the energy to do my readings/HW. My weekends consist of me getting insanely drunk and going to parties, even though I hate them, just in an effort to meet new people. The only time I'm truly happy is when I go home to visit my friends.
I honestly don't know what to do. I don't feel depressed, or hate myself, I just feel hollow and dead inside.
the most concerning thing to me here is that youre not taking your academics seriously, if you can't muster the effort to do your work eventually when you get further along in your studies and have to put forward 100% of your effort you wont be able to and you'll start failing classes until you eventually flunk out. It may be time to take a long sober look as to whether college is really for you.
I completely agree. I'm a smart person, I got into a decent school with a massive scholarship, but I get by in HS because it was insanely easy, and I cheated quite a bit. College really isn't for me, it bores the hell out of me and I hate classroom learning but I don't see any other option honestly. I need to make a lot of money to support the lifestyle that I want, and it's unlikely that I'll be able to without a college degree. It sucks, but it's better than the alternative.
It's just a guess really. I have no idea what will make me happier, but I might as well try something. That's long term though, I've been searching for something to make me happier in the short term.
You sound like me when I was that age, only my roommate was a racist hick.
Having ~5 close friends is normal for humans in the statistical sense, nothing odd there.
Being young sucks pretty hard. You don't have much of an identity yet, and you've never had to deal with being on your own before, so you feel empty. You're being assailed by numerous bad feels from various sources but you can't identify them or sort it all out, partly because you're just new to the world of adult life.
You've been thrust into an unfamiliar environment that you clearly feel alienated from, so no wonder you feel disconnected. You share your living space with someone you feel is offensive, and whom you dislike, so you've got no where to hide. The world seems alien and hostile. This is why people your age join cults and religions such: a desperate need to feel connected, to have community, to be rooted in something.
Getting fucked up all the time is a usual way to cope, just don't let it become your sole source of comfort. It would help to acknowledge how confused you are, how much you miss your friends. Own your own feelings, don't just project it on to the people around you.
It's normal to get the wind knocked out of you when you hit college. You thought you knew how shit worked, thought you knew yourself, but it turns you you didn't and you don't. Accept that. Fucking women won't make it go away.
How to make it better? Don't think fucking women will, it won't. You should work on solving those problems that actually cause you stress: your living situation, your growing fear of failing and university, and your lack of good solid friends. Talk to your RA about switching roommates. Talk to tutors, professors, etc. about handling your schoolwork, it'll only get worse if you let it. Getting real friends is a tricky thing, but for now listen to your gut and stick close to those who make you feel good and avoid the opposite.
Money won't make you happy. Doing work you feel has real value and meaning will help make you happy. If you don't feel your major is meaningful, switch to one that is. You can make a living doing just about anything if you have the passion, professionalism, and aptitude. You'll never make those piles of money if you hate every moment of your job and the education required to get it. Be honest with what you love, and do that.
It's probable you have no idea what you love. This is normal, do not panic. I didn't know until age 28. If this is the case the best thing you can do is make decisions that open up as many options as possible so when you do figure out what you love you're in a good position to pursue it. Fucking up your academic career will reduce your options, obviously.
You're going to need to adjust your identity. You say you're smart, but you're failing you're courses? That doesn't add up. Maybe you're more normal than you previously thought? This is OK. Or else you're smart but lazy as hell. The world is full of smart lazy people doing nothing with their lives since to actually make it you must have focus and drive to continue your work even when it isn't emotionally rewarding. Admit your failings and take action to correct them. Don't try to protect your identity as Smart Guy by not actually trying.
>It may be time to take a long sober look as to whether college is really for you.
>if you're so miserable now what makes you sure money will make you happier?
I agree with both of these, but with qualifications.
It might be that college is for you, but dorm life is not your bag. It's like that for a lot of people, and personally if I'd had a half decent apartment instead of a dorm room, I'd probably have finished college. If you can't afford to live off campus, at least put in a request for a room change or floor change on the grounds that your current living arrangements are impacting your studies. Maybe a change in environment will be enough.
You might also need a med change. It sounds like whatever you're taking isn't doing enough. Not that it should make you completely asymptomatic, but it should be helping more than it is. If your campus has decent counselors that can see you for more than a session or 2, see one. If not, try to find a therapist that takes your insurance and/or works on a sliding fee scale. Might take some time to get in, but even just having someone to vent to about shit, and help you figure out how to cope, could do a lot for you.
It helps to not antagonize your roommates as the OP has done. It's really fucking unwise to make an enemy of the person with whom you share your living space since they can so easily make your life hell. That's one of many non-class-related tests college life gives.
I agree with that, but man, some people are hard to avoid pissing off. I don't know if OP's roommate is one of those or not. Bad roomie pairings do happen. Sometimes it's one person's fault, and sometimes it's what I call "chocolate cake and gravy" - two things/people that are ok on their own but are horrible together. It sounds like OP and his roomie are both sort of immature.
And if even one person in a shared living space has mental health problems, that will make the whole thing harder (I say this as a person with depression who lives with a person who has schizoaffective). Personally my solution was to have the doc write to the school saying I shouldn't have a roommate because of my mental health shit. Maybe OP can deal with a roomie and handle coursework, but just not at the same time til he gets some of his shit figured out.
What I'm saying is, you're right that college does, and should, throw a lot of life experiences at you. But I don't think it's necessary to say "well if you can't deal with all of it at once, you should just give up."
Oh I don't think he should give up, but he should take some action to change his environment. There are means available to remedy toxic roommate situations, which generally start with talking with an RA and escalating from there.