Is it possible to have meaningful sex with your partner and also fun, horny sex with them, where at the end of the day, after everything, they still see you in a respectful manner and treat you that way as well?
That's pretty much how it's supposed to be, unless there's something wrong. General rule is, if you've got a girl that you want to keep around for a long time, treat her like a slut in the bedroom and your best friend at all other times. Sex is play, you're supposed to be able to cut loose and have fun without being judged
>>16756775 Agreed. I can't think of anything (except if it involves children animals or blood) that would make me loose respect for my parner or love them less. If both enjoy it, i don't see any problem. Sex is play. Don't take it too serious
Yes. It requires communication. It is okay to say "I want to be dominated in bed and respected outside of bed". It is also okay to say "I want to be dominated in bed and also in the house but not in front of others". You can make a very long list of preferences and roleplay scenario and safewords. There is no limit to what you can communicate. However you NEED to do it. You need to communicate what you want in order to obtain the life you want. If you don't communicate then people can only guess what you want. If people have to guess then people will randomly hurt you or please you. If you don't like being randomly hurt then take initiative to communicate. Once you do, all that is left is to meet new people and talk to confirm whether you are sexually and emotionally compatible.
>>16756775 So it can be fun and wild as shit as long as we still have meaningful and loving sex every now and then and as it comes naturally then it's alright and balanced? Sorry for sounding like a total dumbass but in the last relationship I was in there wasn't a lot of respect towards my body as an individual thing that is allowed to be touched, not there whenever the guy wants it
>there wasn't a lot of respect towards my body as an individual thing that is allowed to be touched, not there whenever the guy wants it
I don't really understand what that means, explain?
But anyway, what I described in that post is an IDEAL relationship. But most guys (especially younger) have their own insecurities and confusions and hang-ups about sex, just like you. So like the other posters are saying, it's important to COMMUNICATE what you want, and expect that it'll take a little time for you and your partner to get comfortable with each other and really get into the prime couple-sex.
But yeah. The important principle at the heart of it, is that you should always be putting each other first. I sometimes treat my girlfriend in ways that other girls might find "degrading," but it's only because I know that's how she likes it. I don't actually see her as a gross or degraded person, or "lesser" than me, I'm just trying to give her a good time, and that's how we like to play.
When we're not horny, I talk to her like an equal, because she's smart and funny and she has good ideas and interesting things to say, so it'd be stupid and boring to ignore her.
but it wasn't always like that with us, we've been together 7 years and we really know each other, it wasn't all that easy in the earlier stages. You have to learn to speak up for yourself, and listen to your partner when he does the same
>>16756859 When an action or behavior happened between you and your partner which you clearly define as "lacking respect toward your body as an individual thing", did you immediately communicate that you dislike the action or behavior? If your partner knowingly persisted with this clearly described action or behavior, did you immediately interrupted the sexual interaction to discuss this problem? Did this immediate conversation gradually progressed toward the possibility that you are incompatible as partners and need to break off? Can you say that you have clearly and without a doubt followed this pattern at one hundred percent? If not, I suggest that you do.
It's not that he'd be overly sexual in public, some guys will judge a girl and lose respect for her if she behaves a certain way in the bedroom, even if it's within the boundaries of a monogamous relationship. A lot of guys have a weird madonna/whore complex about this stuff, and they think a woman is less worthy of respect if she likes to get spanked or have her hair pulled or whatever.
>>16757264 Are you absolutely sure that LOTS of guys think this way? You have literally heard it coming from their mouth? And each time it was clearly said with a negative connotation that is unmistakable from a joke or casual exaggeration? They literally say that it's bad if a loving couple has a lot of sex and argue against it? I don't want to give the impression that sexism doesn't exist, it certainly does, but this particular idea seems particularly hard to be believe. There is a strong social stigma associated with women who are sexually active with many different partners but not within the same relationship.
I'm guessing you're both straight men, and you don't actually get that in-depth talking to your friends about how they conduct their relationships. I live in a pretty liberal area, but pretty much every girl I know has had this problem at least once. You say/do something in bed that rubs your boyfriend in the wrong way, and instead of just saying "nah let's not do that" it ruins the mood, and he gets weird and judgmental and freaked-out for a little while, he'll always say something like "I just didn't think you were that kind of girl," etc.
It's not even a huge deal or anything, usually. It's just a common issue that comes up
>>16757392 What you describe is a perfectly normal interaction that can happen in any relationship. It has nothing to do with the gender of the people involved. It has nothing to do with calling people whores for being sexually active in bed. It is perfectly common for one person to suggest something and receive the response "no thanks" or ""I didn't think you were that kind of person/boy/girl/animal". That is MUCH different that saying that X people are called whores for liking sex with their partner and there is no reason to make a statement specifically about boys having wrong opinions. Perhaps this has to do with the other side of sexism, where guys are perceived as always being ready to deliver sex and are therefore seen as wrong/judgmental/malicious for disengaging from a sexual activity? If the genders are reversed and it is a guy who suggests a kinky fetish activity and the girl says "no" or "I didn't think you were that kind of guy", do you hold exactly the same feeling toward the scenario? I have seen the opposite of what you describe happen much more often, where men are shamed by women for having a high sex drive, especially concerning the subject of male masturbation.
>Perhaps this has to do with the other side of sexism, where guys are perceived as always being ready to deliver sex and are therefore seen as wrong/judgmental/malicious for disengaging from a sexual activity?
I think this does have a lot to do with it, actually. Some guys, when they're confronted with an activity that they can't or don't want to do, feel a bit insecure that their partner might be disappointed. And some guys choose to handle that insecurity by flipping the situation around, saying the activity/fantasy in question is "weird" or "disgusting," and making their partner feel ashamed for bringing it up. It's not as dramatic or serious as I'm making it sound, but it does happen commonly and it's something that people just have to work through. It's a communication issue, more than anything.
But you're absolutely right that it's not a gendered problem, I'm sure girls do the same thing all the time. I'm just speaking from my own experience and things I've discussed with friends, so it all tends to be from a female perspective. Originally, I was just trying to explain why OP might feel so self-conscious about bringing stuff up, and asking for what she wants. It can blow up in your face sometimes.
>>16757554 >I think this does have a lot to do with it, actually. Some guys, when they're confronted with an activity that they can't or don't want to do, feel a bit insecure that their partner might be disappointed. And some guys choose to handle that insecurity by flipping the situation around, saying the activity/fantasy in question is "weird" or "disgusting," and making their partner feel ashamed for bringing it up. I think you nail the problem on the head. Sometimes just the pressure of sexism can cause people to lash defensively. We end up with a stupid situation where everybody is wrong. The saddest thing is that perhaps an heterosexual man's girlfriend would not judge them for politely declining sex and yet they flip on the defensive by reflex due to self-imposed social pressure.
I think a lot of guys think being "masculine" means they can't let themselves look silly and make a fool of themselves trying a new thing with their girlfriend. When really it's the opposite, if you don't have the confidence to screw up and laugh it off sometimes, I don't see how you could ever have a good life let alone a comfortable relationship
>>16757392 Where does that ever happen? Every girl I have ever been with has some kind of kink and I am more than happy to indulge her. Half the time they are too shy to tell me and I discover it by seeing how they respond to me doing different things. So maybe the shyness is a result of those judgmental guys you mention? As long as she does it with me I don't care. I won't let her peg me or stuff like that, but I will do most other things.
>>16757770 >When really it's the opposite It's not always the opposite. The situation can't be simplified like that. There are situations where a person is respected for acting like the fool and there are situations where a person loses respect for acting like a fool. When men (or anyone) misread a situation it is not because they are bad people who want bad things. It is because they are flawed human beings and don't have perfect 100% social awareness. People need to take a chance when going one way or another. Men particularly suffer from sexism during that choice because there is huge pressure on them to always be reliable and firm and on top of the situation. This sexism colors their perception of the world and hurts their ability to let go or express feelings. Simplifying the problem as "women like playfulness and men are wrong for thinking playfulness is bad" is pointless gender bashing that little to any conversation.
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