Growing up I went through a lot of shit experiences that left my subconscious drilled with twisted views on men and myself.
This is the simple short version.
As I am now reaching my 20's, I've made it a point since I was about 13 to rationalize all of this the best I can at all times. This is to say I do not consciously demonize men, but there are periods of time where I cannot help but have disdain for them, but also feel shitty about myself for being a woman.
I've come to see that within my subconscious lies the idea that I will never be good enough; I have idealized being a man in both the biological and social sense, and in addition to that have grown to hate simply being my gender.
E.g: I'm in public and surrounded by men. I will feel like I am being watched as a mere sex-object, I will see the men walk around in a cocky manner with their naturally strong torsos and respect-imposing voices and both hate but envy them for all those points mentioned. At the same time, I will look at myself, how weak and small I am; how I am the exact opposite, and I will hate myself for it.
Sometimes I'll be doing my workout and feel like quitting because what's the point? I'll never be stronger than even the weakest of men. I'll feel pathetic and lose my enjoyment for what I am doing. "My body wasn't made for achievements" is what intrudes my mind often, and I will feel like shit.
Now, I know better than to allow myself to be easily swept by these sudden emotions, but sometimes it happens, in a very slap-in-the-face kind of way. I don't go around treating boys badly and blaming the patriarchy. I don't go around complaining that if men hadn't kept women from taking part in science and other male-dominated field years and years ago, that I'd have a better life with perhaps more female role-models.
The problem lies exactly in the fact that these are all notions that live in my subconscious. I don't have to make sense of them because I can't. They're irrational, simply there. I'll try to make sense of it, I know what's made me feel like this, but it still won't go away.
I'm afraid I'm irreversibly damaged, but I can't keep on living like this. It' s too painful; I am left with both a void sense of self and purpose in life.
Anyone gone through something similar? How do you erase all this shit? What's the cure?
You're not a mere sex object, you're also here to be adored cherished and protected. Guys don't just want to fuck girls, we also love them for their beauty.
If you want respect and achievements, you can still get that. Female athletes are worse than male athletes, but they can still be strong and get respect for that. And you can get respect by getting good at a lot of other things (e.g. in some career or in academia or whatever) where there's nothing stopping you from being as good as the best. Women tend to be underrepresented in this simply because they're not as interested, not because they're not capable.
And also you can get a lot of respect and attention by working on being pretty, popular and dominant.
thanks anon, I appreciate your words, but like I said, this is something deeply ingrained in me. Yeah, now I can look at what you wrote and without a pint of doubt agree whole-heartedly.
But I know that it is only a matter of time until this weird insecurity and mix of anger, disdain and regret come up again and ruin me whole for a period of time. It always does.
There's something bad rooted deep in mind. I need to get it out completely. Reason only softens the symptoms for a while.
you're confused about your role as a woman, since society is making you grow a dick as they expect you to take a job and compete.
Men may be the best, socially and biologically.
But understand this: women rule men, especially in this era.
You may not be the best compared, but you have no idea how man struggles for a glimpse of a woman. For half the men out there, a woman measure their value. For all practical purposes, women become better than men in their way to infest minds relentlessly.
>strong torsos and respect-imposing voices, cocky manner
this is all to impress you half the time.
Don't value the achievements of man so much. Readjust and accept what you're out for. I imagine its frustrating that you're already accepted as a being because you're a woman and don't need anything else to fit in society - since birth makes you inherently more valuable than a male - but that's just being average. Extenuate your feminine qualities and realize that is ten times more powerful then adopting male achievements/qualities. For you can capture someone who is working and is strong, and they are for you. That's the dynamics of a relationship. You've attracted the more powerful man: you're indirectly better than all of his mates since you technically own him and he owns you.
> since birth makes you inherently more valuable than a male
but I don't think I'm valuable by default. I do think I may be valued by society for the reasons you mentioned, but that in itself does not make me feel valued.
My brother once told me I could take advantage of the fact that I'm a woman to get what I want. To me that's unthinkable; it's playing dirty.
Men may have to work their asses off to get on a higher ground, but that's what gives them character and honor. I want that. I want to make something of myself. I don't think I am born with value, even if society says I do. That simply sounds ridiculous.
I think we might be going a bit beside the point with this, though you might have hit the nail on the head when you said said I'm confused about my role in society. I guess I don't accept what's expected of me; I want more, or, rather, just not as women have it - which seems near impossible when it comes to things like being cat called or just how you're habitually viewed and treated like in society, the expectations etc...
I understand these things are part of nature, but I just can't accept them in my head. Guess part of what I'm saying is that I'd much rather have been born a dude. (not saying you have it easier, I just can't comform with my expected role).
I've been doing my best to keep that in mind, I really have anon, and I will continue to
>Men may have to work their asses off to get on a higher ground, but that's what gives them character and honor. I want that. I want to make something of myself.
Seducing those that have worked their asses off is the general honor of women. To win the top breadwinner. Your achievement lies in your capability to capture a male. You can respect all he has done, and think it be unbelievable at times, but you must pride yourself not in similar male achievements. Pride yourself in the way you've brought him to you. Acquiring the top male means you have the same value, in your feminine qualities.
>I'd much rather have been born a dude
The question you should ask is who do you want respect from? Everyone? Peers? Parents? That'll help in explaining a lot of things.
I'm going to assume peers.
A male is straightforward in their honors and respects: what have you achieved?
I can see why you would prefer that.
Yet the thing that makes you wish it be is because you never see feminine improvement in females nowadays. Most females think they're fine the way they are and will expect nothing less of a wonderful male. A princess complex I guess. Yet there are things that would make you more enticing, and coquettish and seductive. Dress, manner, knowledge, interest.
To be better than those peers and get the best male is doing activities and improvement that would make you feminine.
The main thing here is not to put yourself in the racing of males, and love the male that you have chosen as the best one. For you can love them and love yourself in improving yourself in ways that have captivated him.
Yes you may have wished to be a male, but understand one of the burning - I mean burning - desires of a male is to have a female they dearly love. Most great men have that female in mind. The greatest men are on another level though.
you're either trolling or you're really just not getting it.
All of what you said, I want none of that.
I easily identify myself more with the average male than the average female. In a way, if we're to put it all in a spectrum, I certainly feel more "male" in my mind than I do "female", to the point where there is a sudden realization followed by mild discomfort when I'm referred to as a "she", sometimes. I'm not saying I'm trans or whatever, I'm comfortable in my body. I think it simply shows awareness of my supposed role, something I do not identify myself with.
I feel male in my mind, but on a day-to-day basis I am in no way treated like that (which to me would be "normal"). It's weird, when you're having a conversation with a guy and you see him treat you differently, "better" to some, weird to me. I'm not different, I'm not special. I'm like you. Treat me like I'm one fo your own. That's how I feel. But I think I explained it better on my previous post.
It seems I am being imposed a way of living that I just can't agree with, but I can't turn myself into a guy. Maybe there's just no satisfying answer to my problem. Maybe there is no answer. This is where I am at right now and maybe I just have to accept it, however bad it feels man.
I am gonna give my 2 cents cause you are going through the same thing my ex was going through. I told her that she isn't a sex object and I rely on her for emotional support and even told her "If it makes you feel any better this house is now run by you, and I will cook and clean and stop working, while you provide for us." For some odd reason my logic worked and she felt better.
P.S. I left her cause I caught her cheating, I don't subscribe to drama
Also, you are not the only one, there seems to be a common theme. I would recommend dating a girl, see how that goes, hang around with gay guys, you will have a better understanding about how to approach the problem