I'm sort of stuck here. My whole life I tried to make my son into a good man, a man like me, a man that would find riches, honor, and success in his life.
Nothing I did worked. He's been like this since forever- an underachiever. No discipline, no pride.
It's at the point where for a long time, I've felt like he WASNT my son- I remember in 7th grade, he failed out of the advanced math program at his school, I actually DNA tested him because I thought my wife had cheated on me.
Turns out no, he's mine.
What do I do? He's 18 now. I'm about ready to disown him, try to have a new son. I'm only 42.
How do I come to terms with my failure as a parent? Did I fail, or was he just born weak?
I look at him, and I don't see any hint of myself at age 18 when I look at him. If I was 18 and I ran into him, to be honest, I would probably have spat on him and called him a loser.
It breaks my heart every day.
Red, Eric is a special boy with special strengths. He isn't a "tough guy" like you, but he got Donna so that's something. Plus if he gets into any real trouble Hyde will look out for him. It's that Kelso boy they hang out with you gotta keep an eye on.
He's 18- all Cs in public school. Some Bs.
Which is fine- I never was one for school myself. I tried to get him to get a job- working for me, working for someone else, or to try and spur him to start his own business.
Nothing worked. He won't do anything- he won't get a job. He won't work for me- he won't start his own business.
HE'S LAZY. I hate it- and I hate him, because when my dad calls me on the phone and asks how junior is doing, it breaks my heart to tell him that junior is a lazy sack of shit.
I WANT to tell my dad that my son is a great man, with a great work ethic, but I can't.
I can't lie to my dad- so I have to break his heart. And it's all my son's fault.
A person is shaped by how they grow up, not their DNA.
First of all, when you were 18 the world was a very, very different place.
Second of all, regardless of whether you raised your child properly or not is not the deciding factor to how they grow up. Their interests, hobbies, and especially friends (or lack therefore) affect them.
Finally, just because your son sucks at math doesn't mean he's a failure, for christ sakes. People have different passions and interests, you have to love something to excel in it. Some people just need to find the right thing, not be pushed into it.
Here's where we're at now- he got accepted into some shitty mediocre school, no scholarship.
I told him I won't pay for it. I told him that my advice is to go to community college, get a job, pay for community college with the money he makes working so he can stay out of debt, and then transfer into a REAL school, with 4.0 GPA in community college.
He threw a tantrum, like a child.
I was going to pay for his food, let him stay in my home while he was in community college- at this point, I'm inclined to just toss him out on the street- maybe THAT will turn him into a man.
All I want is to be the father of a MAN- nothing I've done has worked, so I figure maybe just tossing him out with $1000 bucks in cash to figure out life on his own will do it.
>All I want is to be the father of a MAN- nothing I've done has worked, so I figure maybe just tossing him out with $1000 bucks in cash to figure out life on his own will do it.
It wont. The other deal might work, provided he doesn't fall into pseudo depression and spends his time procrastinating playing vidya games or some shit.
>, provided he doesn't fall into pseudo depression and spends his time procrastinating playing vidya games or some shit.
Anon, if he wasn't the type of man to procrastinate and waste his time, then I wouldn't have these problems with him- he'd have a job, have started his own business, or have a scholarship to a great school.
So what do I do? I see where his life is going and I want to just wash my hands of it and say 'wasn't my fault'
Do you see my son in yourself? Two peas in a pod?
I'll give you the same advice I've been giving him-
No one owes you anything. Your woes are your own fault, and your own fault only. The sooner you accept RESPONSIBILITY for your life, the sooner you can FIX your life.
Tbh I feel bad for you dude- a loser like my son. Snap out of it, unless you want to DIE A LOSER after living YOUR WHOLE LIFE A LOSER.
wtf is wrong with you? you see your son as like some object that must fill your version of success and manhood and why exactly? you sound like a bitch who cares too much about what other people think, you probably have a tiny penis and this is why you feel the need to beat the mental shit of your son because your just too tiny just cut it of and have a sex change.
good for him, he got into college.
youre going to rob him of that?
The kid is 18. fuck off and stop being so hard on him. hes perfectly average and theres nothing wrong with that. it takes different strokes to move the world.
He's average- that's the problem.
My whole life I spurred him to not be average- to be great.
Average is pathetic. Anyone can be average.
How am I robbing him of it? He can get a loan and go to school.
I'm robbing him because I don't want to pay for his education at shitmcshit university?
If he got into Harvard or yale, I would have paid for it. I'm not paying for him to get a degree worth less than the paper it is printed on.
College is ONLY a good idea if you go to a GREAT COLLEGE.
He isn't- so it's a waste of time and money. If he wants to waste money, go waste someone elses.
this has to be bait, man...
not everyone is cut out for harvard. my father went to harvard and i didnt. does that make me less of a man than him? no.
but you know what makes me happy? ive got a dad who loves me so much, that i know he'll always be there for me. he didnt expect me to get into harvard and let me follow my own path. and ive never been happier for it and i owe him the world for that.
youre a piece of shit. instead of looking for flaws in your son, you should be looking at your own flaws.
My dad raised me the same way I raised my son- I tried to raise my son like my dad raised me because I thought 'if I repeat the steps that made me, I will truly make a great man such as myself'
I was wrong. I've grown to realize it's not the nurture so much as the nature.
He was born a loser, same as I was born a winner.
I've grown to accept this, at this point, I just want to push the reset button, have a new kid.
Your son is a piece of shit because his father is a narcissistic piece of shit.
>If I was 18 and I ran into him, to be honest, I would probably have spat on him and called him a loser.
You sound like a horrible person at age 18. You sound like a horrible person now. Fully willing to bet your son is probably a nicer person than you are already.
To be honest I can't fully tell if this is a bait post inspired by the movie "Steve Jobs".
You sound like an ignorant cold hearted republican asshole.
You don't think your son knows that you are disappointed in him? What do you think that does to a boy growing into a man? Maybe he looks up to his pop and sees a guy who worked too hard and let the good parts of life slip right by, missing watching him grow up and generally ignoring him or just wanting him around as some kind of accessory to his dads pride.
So yeah you probably did fuck him up. As a dad myself I know that all of my boys were VERY different and they needed different things and they wanted different things out of life. None of them followed in my footsteps but honestly I couldn't give a shit what MY dad thinks of them or anybody else. I just want them to be happy and it is sad that your love for him is so shallow that you don't.
Not everyone is cut out for harvard- I got a scholarship to an top school, and never went to school, because I wanted to grow my business, not go to school.
In the end, my choice was proven correct- my life stands as a testament to that.
If my son started a business, or fuck, even worked for me, and helped me with mine, I would accept that- to be honest, I would be thrilled.
But he doesn't want to work- he wants to go to school.
But it's a terrible idea to go to a shit school and pay money to go there.
I won't subsidize his bad idea.
Such a fucking bait post. You can't possibly be THIS much of an asshole.
> Community college not a REAL school
> Holding financial carrot on string
> Dictating the terms of his life and future education
> Judging him harshly for considering taking student loans
> Mad he didn't get scholarship, only care about money
My dad would be disappointed with me when I brought home a test with a 99% on it- he'd say, son, why isn't that 100%?
And I'd say dad, I don't know, I think I'm just not smart enough.
He'd take off his glasses, look me in the eyes, and tell me that was bullshit- it wasn't 100% because I didn't work hard enough for it to be 100%.
And you know what that did? That made me try even harder, so I went and got that 100% and brought it home.
My son... he would just go back to school and get another 80%.
It doesn't feel like he's my son. It feels like a lazy stranger is in my house.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
You are at the anger stage of grief.
The business about DNA testing him, calling him a stranger? Denial.
Negotiations over what college? Bargaining.
Posting here? The beginnings of depression.
You need to get to acceptance.
Community college ISNT real school.
It's where smart people go to get 4.0 GPA so they can transfer to a REAL school, and stupid lazy people go to get worthless degrees.
It's my money, I'll do what I want- I already said if he goes to community college, pays for it himself, I will pay the $200,000 for him to go to REAL school.
He can take student loans- it's a mistake. Much better off getting a scholarship.
If he wants to go to fake school, he'll have to get a loan to do so. I have REAL MONEY, and it will only be spent on REAL EDUCATION.
I expected him to either get a scholarship, or get into a REAL school. Better yet- a scholarship to a REAL school like I got.
None of what I've done or said is unreasonable.
The worst part is that I've offered him a job- he won't take it.
I have employees right now, paying them very well, because they're hard workers.
It's embarrassing that my employees feel more like sons to me than my own son.
I'm 32, I don't think my dad or mom thought of me as a loser. Until I finished college. After that, could never get a job. For years this went on. My mom finally said she feels she and dad failed as parents. I felt bad but I also didn't give a shit...
Why? Cause I'm not following their footsteps, dad always a 4.0 through high-school and college. Did Air-Force, twice.
Well, Last year. I lost all interest inn life. Nothing really entertained me, I felt nothing. All I could think about what nothing. Parents didn't say much after...
I started learning to draw and joined the air-force. I'm going to stay in career. I joined at 32. Almost 33. I thought I'd fail it, as I am not super smart. I just picked SF and done. Unlike all the 18 - 20 year olds. I didn't mind being yelled at, had zero affect one me. Did everything fine. All good now, I work 12+ hour days, and draw when I'm off. I don't care at least I'm working.
Just stop. Please. The charade is over. You did a good job of setting the narrative, picking all the right negative qualities of a Tiger Dad to rustle maximum jimmies.
Your mistake? Too extreme. Plus you too casually demonstrate the way that you use the site, how quickly you respond to the right outrage without addressing any of the reasonable responses nor the responses about this being a Bait post. Plus c'mon, do we really think an uptight asshole workaholic man in his mid 40's regularly browses the Advice board of 4chan for "advice" when he very clearly seems to have such strong unconvincing resolve?
Please. It is not believable. 8/10 for effort though.
boo hiss let me have my fun
Its' been a year or two since I made a troll thread and I'm rusty.
The next one you guys will swallow hook line and sinker.
Always that ONE GUY that has to ruin the fun
Anyways, the more believable it is, the less traffic and rage,
That is what I do friend. I troll the trolls. They call us Daywalkers.
Till next time sir.
This thread hits too close to home. I'm sorry I haven't been successful Dad but I'm going to keep trying for you. I'm so sorry I haven't been able to succeed and be happy despite your love,care, and money.
You deserved a better son.
It breaks MY heart that this kid has a pathetic loser for a father. a parents love should be unconditional. look at yourself, you are not half the man you wish your son was. stop projecting your failings on him. He isn't the problem, you are. have another kid? you don't deserve children.
Have you considered giving him a small loan? My father did that for me. Gave me only a handful of bucks and told me to get my life running. It was hard, but I did it. I made a man out of myself and am now a well-respected man in society.
>I say that the thread is bait
>hours later people still posting flame
Guess it was a 9/10 thread huh?
Good bait always hits close to home.
Lots of people are scared of disappointing their parents- 4chan has a lot of 'losers' on it, so it's the ideal target demographic for people that either fear they disappointing their parents, or have been told so by their parents
Not true. A person is shaped by both nature and nurture. Men usually inherit their fathers personality, but sometimes can inherit grandparents or mothers' personalities. A lot of factors come into is with the environment, but that's not as drastic. What's the mother/grandmother/grandfather like, OP?
I'm not going to call you an asshole, OP, because plenty of people on here have already done that and made the point.
But I'm going to help you and your son out by giving the two of you advice, because I know the two of you can improve. I don't want to see someone's relationship turn out like how mine did with my first two fathers. You showed that you want to help your son, so that counts for something.
Tell him that you're concerned about him. Let him know that the world is a scary place and that his current attitude is not going to help. If he doesn't get his act together, he's going to fail. It's unfortunate and harsh, but it's a fact. He needs to get his life on track and be ready for a harsh, unforgiving world.
And you're going to be there for him. Because no matter what he does, he is your son. A parent should love their children, no matter how much of a fuck-up they are. Your son doesn't sound like the antichrist, so you need to be there for him. You need to support him, but do it in a way that will give him a spine and drive to make something of his life. Don't coddle him, but don't be an asshole to him. Be involved in his life.
Because even though he's lazy and a brat, he's your son, and believe me, all kids are scared to death of losing their parents' affection. No child wants to learn that their parents don't want to be there anymore because of something they did. Believe me. That's happened twice, and I won't let it happen to someone else because they're uninformed.
Show interest in his life. Call him at least once a week, or contact him SOMEHOW. Help him prepare for jobs and such. Teach him about living on his own, because college sure as hell won't do it.
Be a parent.
Have you ever laughed at or felt sorry for the jock father who drove his son to be a jock even though the kid wasn't made for it and would be a lot happier and more successful with a book?
You're doing exactly the same thing. You set up a very narrow definition of what a man should be, and are rejecting your son because he happens not to fit that narrow definition.
Let's say, for the sake of argument, that he's no great star academically. (Neither were Einstein, Bill Gates or Woody Allen, by the way). Is it absolutely impossible for you to imagine that he might have abilities (as an artist, a musician, a plumber, a loving husband and father) that would make him a successful man to anyone not limited to your blinkered standards.
Give the kid a break. Get off his back. Let him find his own path, and you be man enough to celebrate the success he finds on that path even if it isn't your path.