so I'm having trouble with my marriage. my husband never wants to spend time with me. eve she I try to make thing special, cook his favorite food, dress up sexy for him, anything I can think of he still just isn't interested. he'd rather be on the computer. I don't feel like he loves me. so I guess should I just give up and get a divorce or should I stick it out for our kids? just having a very hard time with this. I feel so sad and isolated all the time
first step I would focus on trying to communicate with him about what's going on, etc. Maybe go see a counselor together who can moderate.
If you clearly communicate to him over long periods of time that you want/need to talk to him and that you have concerns about the relationship and he ignores you... then I would recommend hiring a divorce lawyer. You can't waste your whole life "for the sake of your kids." Your kids are important but so is your mental and emotional well being. You can't be a good mother to your children in a toxic relationship that sucks your soul out ya know?
Fight for your marriage. Communicate with him until you're blue in the face. Hire a counselor. Do whatever you can. But if he's checked out, he's checked out and you have to then switch gears into crisis mode.
he would never go see a counselor. he doesn't think there's anything wrong. he doesn't get it when I try to tell him how sad and lonely I am. I can't have any friends, my family lives really for away. I only have him and my kids. we're broke so even if I decide to leave there wouldnt be a lawyer involved.
Have you ever considered that maybe in people need to have their own separate space and ability to be an individual and not be entirely subsumed into the relationship and that he's pulling away because he needs the sort of space that any normal human being would? Are you the clingy type? You sound like the clingy type. I'll bet all of this insecure woe-is-me hand wringing is exactly what's making him hate you.
Tell him "you don't understand how sad/lonely I have become without your affection." Tell him "I'm doing my best to be everything for you. You and [child] are everything to me." Ask him "do you want me?"
In my imagination these lines are said earnestly, without any blame, just honesty and sadness
then he should not have gotten married and had kids if he wants to be by himself. he spends all day at school then comes home and spends all night on his computer. ignores me and the kids. I do everything for him anything he's ever wanted. Iv tried to always give him his space.
Then he can go on a fucking hike for a few hours a day to recharge his introvert batteries. What he's doing is t really a solitary activity. It's a bad idea to try to get alone time in full view of your family members. People don't like to be shut out mentally/socially when the person is right there.
Have some damn social skills.
when I try to explain like that he just shrugs it off and says he'll spend more time with us but it never happens. I'm afraid to push it he already is so distant I don't want to make him mad
This is certainly a tough one. I've been married a long while, and every marriage has its ups and downs, and crises, as well. I say crises, as in plural, for a reason, but it seems like there is always one central crisis that will go on to define the marriage as a building together or a building separately, when it comes to maintaining the marriage.
First off, it's ALWAYS a two way street. There is always fault leading up to a crisis on both sides. You are NOT responsible for your husband's actions, but you ARE responsible for yours AND for doing your part to maintain the marriage, regardless of his input. Whether or not he's doing his part properly is mostly irrelevant. You can't control him, change him or make him understand. All you can do is lay the foundation for him to make his own realizations.
This stuff is easy to write, very hard to do. I've certainly been there. Your happiness is your responsibility, not his. He can't make you happy.
He probably already understands that you are deeply unhappy. The question is, what do you want to do about it? He can't MAKE you be happy. A husband or a wife is not a servant to their spouse, but to the marriage, if you understand what I mean. He can't make you happy by making himself unhappy; that's just not sustainable. You can make each other happy by making yourselves happy, however you find a way to do so, within the context that what you choose to do must be good for yourself AND for the marriage.
You need to really sit down and think about what makes you happy as a person. Not WHO makes you happy, but what. You need to develop yourself as a person, to grow in a positive direction. A more content, active and occupied mind is a more fertile ground for peace within the marriage to take root. That comes back to what I was saying about blame being irrelevant, as there is always mutual guilt, and we eventually realize the proportion that was our own fault.
it has nothing to do with introversion, it has to do with individuality and self-identity in a close relationship.
>suggesting that someone learn social skills in a post defending a non-functioning relationship
>marriage and kids forecloses the possibility of having time and space to yourself
I know raising kids takes a lot of effort, but no it doesn't. Only in unhealthy relationships is this the case.
>my husband needs lots of time to himself
>I decided pushing him was a bad idea
no shit, sherlock.
What did your relationships look like before marriage and kids? Ever get shut out like this before? How's your relationship with your parents?
this does not make sense to me. him just spending time with me and his children would make me happy. my whole life is taking care of my kids and him and our house. I don't have time or money for other things. things dont make me happy my family dose.
Are your expectations realistic? I found from my own experience that I expected my marriage to be my source for happiness, not realizing that I wasn't doing my part fully- and I couldn't, at that time, being relatively unhappy as in individual. The things that were bothering me as a person, personal shortcomings, sources of stress, and a sense of loss regarding my independence, were being used as an excuse to stop developing myself as a person. In the end, between taking some time to get back to my own faith (going back to church, I mean, for me), picking up some hobbies, and setting and achieving some big personal goals started making me more content within myself, and the peace and pride that I rediscovered led to me seeing that I wasn't devoting myself enough to my marriage. Between that and feeling generally better in most ways, I had the energy and direction to really sit down with my wife and start talking about what I wanted, and what she wanted, and discovering where that was the same, and where we differed.
I can't say what works, but I can say what works for me. My wife and family is my foundation, but they are not my sole source of joy. We are still individuals AND spouses. If you ignore your role within one of those two places, you hurt the other, too.
As far as blowing up your marriage; don't. If you haven't truly given 100% in every possible way, to maintaining yourself and your marriage, you'll never forgive yourself for quitting and blowing up your family. If you're a person of faith, you may escape censure, but not from yourself.
Don't give up, and stop pressuring your husband to fix everything. You may feel you are doing everything already. You are not. You may be ignoring your own needs, you may not be, but that sort of thing prevents you from giving 100% to the marriage, and that's a mistake.
That's exactly what I was writing about- it's not fair to him that he is your sole source of happiness. That's unrealistic. It places too much responsibility on him to MAKE you happy. You can't put a gun to someone's head and force them to make you happy. That's the job of a slave, not a spouse. I'm not going to blame you, or shame you, here, but if your life is so empty that your only source of joy is your marriage and family, your life is lopsided. You, and your husband, need to have peace and happiness within yourselves in order to be able to share that within the marriage. If you don't have that inside yourself, how can you expect the other person to come to you to receive it?
Stick it out for the kids. Oh and figure out who he is fucking on the side
You don't need to stick it out if it's going to break you mentally or emotionally. Your kids are important but you will be a better mother outside of a toxic environment. I recently separated from my wife due to constant verbal anise and her ignoring me when not insulting me. It sucks because I do not get to see my infant son that often. That can and will change though.
I do feel alone quite often but I think I am in a better state now than I was the
I notice OP is not really engaging with questions that she might have a role to play in her husband's emotional distance... suspicious.
I think OP might be fucked in the head and that's the problem
Or maybe she's you know, busy taking care of her kids? People can't be by the computer 24/7
That being said, I wouldn't surprised if she did something that has caused this. It's usually one or the other in a marriage that causes shit.
wow you don't know anything about the situation. I'm not pressuring him for anything. all I want is for him to stop gaming one night a week to hang out with me n his kids. I do everything 100% of the house work, cleaning, taking care of the kids, make most of your families income. moved away from all my family and friends so he could go to school. I try extremely hard to be a good mother and wife. taking care of my children and work didn't leave any time or money for hobies. I gave up all the stuff like that I enjoyed doing so I can pay for soccer or dance class. all I'm wanting is for him to talk with me some maybe give me a hug. it's hard not being able to talk to your partner about anything. I'm always there for him for anything he needs I support all his dreams and ambishions. I'm not trying to make him feel pressured I just want a connection with him.
my parents live really far away. I don't get to talk to them much. my dad's sick I wish I could visit home and go see them.
my husband had a kid young and we got together when she was still very little. so wev pretty much always been parents. things were better before. it wasn't like how it is now. idk I know school is stressful for him but I don't think it's fair to just shut everything else out.
I had a baby but I only put on 20 lbs and lost it right away. he might be bord. he just likes doing his own thing.
no that's repulsive. I wouldn't want to