My gf of 2 years thinks I'm boring and that we are not having fun.
What I don't get is that it seems to her, having fun is basically acting silly / doing random things etc
I think I can have fun with friends and colleagues, enjoy bantering and jokes about dumb shit but more in a context where it's a group of friends / group of guys things.
But anyway how can I appear to her to not be boring when it's just the two of us ? She told me times and times again that the issue isn't about *doing* something fun or not, but that we should be able to have fun when we are just talking, like she can casually do with any of her friends
interestingly enough, its only really a 'modern' idea that men and women in a relationship should enjoy similar activities.
every time and culture and place is different right up to the year, but for hte most part, the modern world saw dating as very specific things you do with the opposite sex as part of courtship. marriage really was more of a partnership. you shared a house and watched the save TV, btu that was it. its like being with your family. you dont tell your brother 'hurr durr we dont do enough silly things together for this relationship to work'
and yes, being in a long term marriage is much more like fucking your sister than it is being in a young passionate relationship.
and thats fine, thats all good, the issue is that modern men and women are struggling to find reasons to hang out when they have nothing in common, mostly becuase of theri gender. sure some of the social boundaries have been broken down and men and women CAN share interest.
yet most dont... yet they they want to spend every single waking moment with each other hanging out and cant understand why it isnt as fun as hanging with friends (who are generally made based off of similar interests not how attractive you find each other).
also, bth I don't have much experience with girls and dating so really I have no idea how to be "fun" and sociable when alone with my gf.
>having fun while hanging out with a friend ? ok
>having fun while hanging out with friends ? ok
>having fun while hanging out with acquaintances ? ok
>having fun while hanging out with colleagues ? ok
>having fun while hanging out with familly ? ok
the gf part... I dunno
I don't think I should be in "pick up mode" as in, trying to entertain her just to woo her. I feel liek I should be able to be chill
either you guys work as a dynamic or you dont. one thing you can do is ask her what she'd like to do and plan some activities accordingly, but imo she just sounds bored with you in general.
girls get into a relationship because its passion and fun and exciting and then once you 'settle' they almost instantly freak out. its why the best day of their life is their wedding day. because thats literally the end of their escalation. its 'beating the game' for them. they dont realize there isnt much else to do afterward but have babies which is time consuming and such but not really exciting.
right now your gf is basically as far as she can get in the relationship with you because moving in and getting married (Assuming you arent moved in and such) are too far off for her to get excited over. so now she is bored and wants somethign exciting. asking her how to have fun would likely make her feel uncomfortable because she doesnt know the answer to the question.
you know how 4chan jokes about how there arent any real manic pixie girls who come along and love you and take you on adventures? wel lthe truth is that girls expect the exact same thing. they want a dashing young fellow to enter their lives and treat them like princesses on a never ending daily adventure.
its a big generalization and not all girls succumb to this, but if there isn't a good 'match' as far as personalities and interests go, then this is their default
honestly we *do* share some similar interest
>love gaming, both moderately
>love eating the same food
>love going on holiday, doing the same kind of stuff
I mean, we don't really share a passion but I guess most couples don't really.
What I don't get is that we never spend quality time together, because we mostly see each other either at her parent's home on the week end or in her dorm but it's not like we can do what we want etc.
I always push so that we can have more quality time together but according to her our ability to have fun shouldn't depend on that
gaming is a hobby.
eating the same food isn't. i mean it makes sharing meals easier, but thats not really a hobby its just two people being boring and eating.
>love going on vacation
yes, but vacations are rare, so no.
you essentially share one interest: gaming, and maybe watching TV. thats kind of it. and while thats great its not a great foundation for a relationship when she clearly wants something more exciting.
keep it up and ride it out, im not suggesting you break up, but you arent going to find much you can do.
honestly we see each other like twice a week so I'm always expecting sex yes, does that changes anything? But honestly it's not the reason I go see her. When it doesn't occur I'm usually not frustrated unless it's several times in a row (excluding her periods ofc)
yeah the food part was kinda dumb, I meant we basically both enjoy going out eating at the same place, finding new cool place to go to etc.
Probably not an amazing common interest but at least we always agree on that.
Honestly I don't know what else you suggest we could have in commons, we do share the same mindset and views on tons of things, but in terms of stuff we both like to do ?
>I like to do sport, she doesn't
>We both enjoy seeing movies (wow so original)
>She likes to go to concerts a bit more than I do (but I don't mind)
I'm not sure what amazing interests other couples share
thats the thing is most just share generic hangout interests. most of what you suggested is not so common stuff. the things you do on a daily basis you should enjoy together.
now i know you THINK you guys enjoy that, but truth is she doesnt cuz shes literally telling you she doesnt. shes not having fun with you in alone time, even if the activity is something she enjoys.
i think the bigger problem is that you two only see each other twice a week. the vast majority of the time she spends in a social setting is with people that aren't you. maybe you are a bit boring but you two are also growing more distant with less and less time spent together.
i'm sure your bf would rather know that you're growing unhappy about how uneventful your time is together rather than you resenting him for it and it eventually causing a bigger issue that was never addressed because it was never brought up.
what games are you playing?
Honestly it's possible that my problem is that I don't feel like flirting with her, I don't feel like negging her and doing bullshit PUA techniques on her. This is the kind of stuff I was doing when I was trying to appear alpha but it's totally fake
One of our favourites are "would you still date me if", where we take turns coming up with silly scenarios and ask the other if they'd still date us if it were true. Stuff like "would you still date me if my hands fell off every full moon and didn't grow back for a week?".
Another game we play is, when we're at a book store, we take turns pointing out books with titles that are 'about' the other person. For example, one of us will point to a book called The Dork Diaries and say "hey look, it's a book about you".
Of course, there's always the "would you rather?" game, and we also have fun coming up with ways to mess with his roommates and my brother.
It's all juvenile, yeah, but it's not all we do, and it's how we have fun and enjoy our time together.
basically she goes out with friends from her university, I don't think everyone usually also brings his boyfriend along. I'm like 1 hour away from her university anyway.
But you're totally right this is something that has been pissing me off a lot lately. In her defence she doesn't go out that much really
sure I get it
I'm just wondering why the fuck I'm never invited to see her friends and I keep seeing her parents on the weekends (they're nice but seriously I'd rather not see them that often and abuse their hospitality).
Like, I'd be an asshole to demand to be invited all the time but I'm just asking to meet them once.
On the other hand I have no friends so I'm fucked anyway
Maaybe you're just not compatible.
It kind of sounds too me that she is trying to create a large problem from a small issue, this is usually a bad sign. As she is basically trying to drive a wedge between the to of you so she has grounds for a breakup.
My boyfriend can be a bit boring sometimes, so maybe I can help here by giving suggestions of things I like doing with him.
- telling each other jokes or funny stories that happened during your day
- playing the question game where you take turns asking each other a question
- sending each other videos or funny links
- playing games together
- him teaching me something new
- intellectual/deep conversations
- being silly with each other (tickle fights, sending each other funny faces)
Kids, getting married, having good chemistry. You two obviously don't have good chemistry, having fun with your significant other should be seamless and effortless like with your good buds.
You both just aren't "meant" for eachother, we've all been there bro. You'll find her one day.
You just gotta find ways to have fun with each other. This is also not all on you; it should be a compromise. Both of you should be working on how to have more fun when you're together, not just you
My current relationship is the only one that's lasted past a year, so while I still feel like differences in chemistry would come about sooner, I've also never been in that kind of situation
Fair, well regardless if OP wants to try and mend it, I guess I have some advice.
Flowers, nice dinner. That's literally all you need she'll be happy for a long time, guys don't do that anymore and depending on how old you are OP she may have never had that in her life. Make sure it's red flowers as well and dress nice. Surprise her with things, things she likes, things that let her know you were listening when she was telling you stuff.
>Honestly it's possible that my problem is that I don't feel like flirting with her, I don't feel like negging her and doing bullshit PUA techniques on her. This is the kind of stuff I was doing when I was trying to appear alpha but it's totally fake
To be honest, if you think this is what the other anon means by "playing games" then your personality is very telling. If you can't be your partner's best friend, then you won't last. This is how you keep things from going stale.
From what I understand, your girlfriend and you should have a similar dynamic as you and your friends do. Like, if in an alternate universe she had a boyfriend, you'd still hang out with her for fun very often.
Now I've only been in a handful of relationships but I've never had this feeling with any of them. I've learned to recognize when this feeling will occur, because it's the same feeling as making a friend, but it didn't happen with those girls and it was clear it wouldn't lead to marriage.
Ask yourself, do you spend time with her because you like HER, or because you like YOUR GF?