Well, guys, my ex-gf just told me she banged like 15 guys since our breakup last month.
Come down; this is not one of those threads.
I mean, we are friends now, we always shared our thoughts. We were beyond bf and gf, we were really good friends above all. So she tells me all that, because of our intimacy, supposedly. She asks for forgiveness for telling that and that she needed to tell someone.
We started dating after she broke-up with her abusive boyfriend. In our relationship everything seemed nice, she was getting better from her depression. She's very anxious as well.
Now she smokes a lot of weed and go in this quest to feel her sexuality. She smokes weed and get is this mode: "i don't need people's approval. I love feeling my sexual power, how I can make EVERYBODY want me etc etc" - jumping from guy's house to guy's house.
How can I put this... I care, it hurts, but I'm more worried about her...
My question is this: we are very close, and I'm worried about her. I don't want to go back at all, but I recognize that she was important in my life, and a feel a 'duty' to intervene, to help. Any tips on dealing with all this?
Approach her as a caring friend, as you are. Hear her out. Ask why she's doing what she's doing, not because you want to judge her but just because you're genuinely worried for her. whether she's hostile or open about it, just be understanding.
Or you could take the "not my gf not my problem" route, but I sense you care for this girl as a friend first, and are over the relationship.
There's really not much you can do to help her, it's all just words on a screen. You can help by listening, but that's about it. What she's doing is really self-destructive and won't lead to happiness, though. She'll also have a hard time ever finding a bf again with a slutty reputation like that... Sounds like she needs to go to therapy and stop destroying her life. :( This post is really sad to me because I have witnessed my friends do this shit...
"You clearly feel guilty about it, since you wanted to tell someone. Given that that someone was me, given that we used to date and you know that I would probably be the least likely person to encourage you to keep this kind of behavior up. Well, I think you should stop doing it. That's what you want to hear, right? The thing is, I can't actually make you stop. I can't make you do anything. You need to decide where your low point is. Is that low point here, where you obviously feel guilty or less than happy with your behavior? Or does something bad need to happen first?
Either way, you already know the answer to your problems. Stop smoking weed. Stop drinking. Stop doing drugs. Take care of yourself. Spend time with the people who care about you instead of people you feel you need to prove something to.
Figure out what you want out of life, not just out of this moment, and work toward that."
Just send her that.
If there's an actual danger and you have evidence of it, then you may intervene. But from the information you've given, there's no problem. Certainly she may have issues, which may lead her to want to bang every guy she sees, but this isn't something like a drug addiction that is a serious health problem. You can let her know about how you feel, but you're not living vicariously through her, nor are you no longer dating. That's not your business.
Tell her you're concerned for her -- that you're not jealous or trying to judge her, you realize you're all broken up now and it's her life, but that to you that seems like extremely unhealthy behavior. Tell her that you're not convinced by her rationale for it either, but that you think it sounds like a self-destructive symptom of her anxiety or depression. It's not that it makes her a "slut," it's that even people who are very sexually liberal should make sure they're doing it for the right reasons, which she isn't.
I mean, it's basically all true shit. Just lay it all out. Be calm and polite, but firm. If she gets defensive, tell her that you won't bring it up again, but that you stand by everything you said, and encourage her to see a therapist. Then drop it.
And good luck. I've never been able to make an intimate friendship with an ex work, but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Hope it turns out all right.
I disagree. She made it his business when she told him -- and she told him, specifically, and nobody else. That's not a typical revelation to just dump on your ex-partner. He didn't just find out about it through the grapevine or some shit, and given the circumstances he has no obligation to keep his opinions about it to himself.
I'm thinking on "not my gf not my problem" route.
I have to handle my shit, I don't know if it's worth waste energy on her.
But damn, if she keeps like this... She's bound to crash.
What happened with your friends?
I'll say that.
After reading through the post again, I think I'll recant my response. I think you're right. I read the context wrong. If she did bring it to him and tell him about that, that seems to imply that she's looking for his thought on the matter, which he should give.
Well, one of them just continues to do it. She goes through periods of time where she just fools around, she usually just sucks a lot of dick. Like, 2 guys at once... She then has periods of time where she actually tries to date again, sometimes the "relationship" lasts a month, sometimes 2 weeks, a week. I know a lot of girls that behave this way, and I think it's sad. The other girl I know, she's really intelligent but has a lot of mental issues and recently started shooting dope. :/ She was meeting men on dating apps, etc. On and off with her ex, and now she has settled with someone new, which might have the possibility of turning into a long-term relationship (I use that term loosely, I'm talking about 6 months at least.) because she has had a history of having relationships anywhere from 6 months to a year. The other friend I have also currently has a bf, too. She's ranting and raving about how happy she is, but I have my doubts because she's been that way about relationships that only lasted 2 weeks...
They both seem to be in a loop, really. This behavior just ends up repeating itself. I've been with the same person for 2 years now, we live together. We aren't happy, though... and we've had some turbulence and don't trust each other at all.
I just know that I don't want to end up like them... So, if we do split, I'm going to control my urge to jump into another relationship (if I can... :( ) and focus on myself, hobbies, and self improvement, and my job.
she's enjoying what she has power over because she CANT enjoy what she really wants, which is long-term relationship/security - which you yanked away from her; and she's in a semi-delusional state about it.
women trade sexual access for love, so when they can't get love from it, well - may as well enjoy the sex. That's what this looks like.
>I know a lot of girls that behave this way,
Anon, why do you think they start acting like that?
> focus on myself, hobbies, and self improvement, and my job.
Any personal advice on that?
She keeps saying she would NEVER go back to a relationship because she wants her sexual needs fulfilled. And she runs away from the guy when things get a bit emocional with them.
I don't really think most of them are out for "exploring their sexuality" or "empowerment" or any of that jazz, I think it goes deeper than that. I think usually it has to do with low self-esteem, and the fear of getting involved into another relationship again, because the previous long-term one they had has left them with emotional pain, all sorts of baggage, and trust issues. They might really feel like they like a guy at first, fuck them, and then bail before anything legitimate can start, because they're scared of being hurt again. So... they keep doing this repeatedly, and they also enjoy the validation of men finding them attractive. Then, after going through this cycle for a while, they realize that they're a whore and no one will ever want to seriously date them. So then when they do actually try to date, they pick the wrong men, the men reject them, and then they reject themselves...
It's really sad.
As for the hobbies and self-improvement, and jerb?
Well, obviously I have to force myself to go to work. Hobbies and self-improvement? You just have to force yourself to, just fucking do it. You have to make yourself believe you want it bad enough, and it gives a good distraction from the "waaaaaah relationship I need someone" feeling.
We used to drink a lot when we were together, and almost everytime she would jump in this bad trip of sorts where she cries about people not finding her feminine enough, about her little brother being raised in shitty ways, crying and being in despair over her self-esteem issues.
It sounds like a rationalization.
let her deal with her own shit. Banging a lot strangers isn't something that you need to intervene on; if she was your guy friend you would most likely feel a tad jealous and high five him; face it, you feel jealous of her and she's being a cocky dick in telling you this. She's not exactly being a good friend right now; then again, maybe there is something that you're missing and she is reciprocating your poor friendshipness--whatever the case, it's not your problem, let her go