My girlfriend wants a "BDSM lifestyle". I know to the uninformed that sounds like an extremely sexual way to live, but incorperating BDSM ideals into your everyday life has very little to do with sex. To sum up what this means very simply, it means one person is dominate in the couples every day life. It's essentially means I'll be in charge of the relationship.
While I definately have no issue with giving it a try, the idea itself is very confusing and intimidating. How am I supposed to act? What does " taking charge of the relationship" even entail? We don't live together, is this even possible without us living together? Most of the "take charge" stuff in my research had the tendancy to talk about handling finances and upkeep of the house, stuff we don't have to worry about right now.
I'm just looking to get all the confusion cleared up. I would very much appreciate some answers to my questions, and maybe a few specific examples of an "everyday situation" for a couple and how it would be handled in a "normal" situation versus a BDSM relationship situation.
She doesn't just want a "BDSM lifestyle" she wants you to dominate her and take charge of her so she can be a submissive.
You need to go over the reins of this relationship in a conversation with her and a fine toothed comb. Possibly look into the contracting portion if she starts pushing boundaries you have no intrest in.
You ask her about what you can start with and three stoplight safe words.
Who do you break character for? Are you restricting her diet? Are you dishing physical or emotional punishments?
Ya'll have to talk.
First question: does she ACTUALLY want a BDSM lifestyle, or has she been reading too much 50 Shades of Gray?
I wish I were joking, but damning though it may be of contemporary pop culture, this question is actually important.
It's a role-playing game and you make sure you both know it's a game. Then you can order her around, use her sexually, inflict pain (within her limits) and generally abuse her - not because you actually have contempt for her, but because playing at in, in a safe way, excites you both. Every intense s&m scene should be followed by a time-out in which you remind yourselves of your real loving and respectful feelings to each other.
who's the dominant in your relation?
I myself am a switch/submissive male and I enjoy when my gf bosses me around and such, she loves it too but feels guilty for making me do too much housework.
is she the sub?
this guy must be psychic
desu you can't go to 24/7 right away but you can agree on what the aim will be, and slowly work towards that. if it feels good, she may feel like she wants just that, but I'm shure that when you go for it she will need small steps just like you.
>I would very much appreciate some answers to my questions, and maybe a few specific examples of an "everyday situation" for a couple and how it would be handled in a "normal" situation versus a BDSM relationship situation.
The main thing about making bdsm a "lifestyle" is doing stuff outside the bedroom, such as having rules in place or giving orders, and such. for exemple I am not allowed to fap without permission.
simple things you can do that will turn her on (assuming she's the sub) are asking her to do subtle humiliating tasks outside the bedroom like tieing your shoelaces (I both love and hate when my gf makes me tie hers in public) or decide what she wears that day (i sometimes make her go out in a short skirt and it makes her really subby). A simple pat on the ass or gropey hug at an awkward moment shurely reminds someone of their place. off course you won't have to argue who does the dishes or carries the groceries and such.
>Most of the "take charge" stuff in my research had the tendancy to talk about handling finances and upkeep of the house, stuff we don't have to worry about right now.
if you don't have to worry about it right now, you won;t have to worry in a bdsm lifestyle either. You don't have to follow the template of those who write blogs or whatever, those are usually quite fanatic enthausiasts.
My advise is to just talk about it,what she expects, how you feel about those things and identify things you're both comfortable with.
>like tieing your shoelaces (I both love and hate when my gf makes me tie hers in public)
OK, I was just reading this thread with casual interest up until this point, but that is SO hot and gets me excited. Maybe it's time to start being honest with myself.
(problem is, I want to be submissive for a woman I have a crush on rather than for my wife... this is going to complicate things)
It can be as simple as choosing where you're going for dinner, having her fetch you snacks while you watch TV or play vidya, calling her "good girl" when she deserves it, spanking her when she argues, etc.
I don't exactly have a 24/7, but one of my favorite things that's happened was when we got into an argument over something unimportant, he just calmly directed me to the bed, then strapped me down so tightly that I couldn't budge at all. He even tied my collar down. Then he ignored me for about fifteen minutes while I was immobile in time-out.
My understanding of a bdsm lifestyle with my boyfriend/finance/husband is being mutually supportive and treating each other wonderfully in all aspects of our lives, truly loving each other, and having very dom-sub even switch sex on the regular, mainly I'm sub I'd say, but I like to do both, I'm very horny now and can't wait to see him again! I miss him so much!
Like I'd want to live with him..although it's not a total deal-breaker, he's so fucking jot, I need him in my life, in me,and well just the while fucking thing, what we have is such a romantic unspoken beautiful thing I can only call love
She can feel like you're dominating her all day and you don't even have to do anything.
also give her set times to be home from work (etc). If she's a little late from work she gets a spanking.
basically, she gets off by being told what to do.
give it a little bit of thought and deep down, she doesn't want to cope with responsibilities - and her brain is wired to pleasure in that way
give her orders.
>today I want you to wear that blue skirt and loose hair
>we will eat pasta tonight
>we will move together to an apartment
I disagree. Personally I would hate being told what to do day to day, unless it involves sex, and even then if I wasn't up for it, I would expect that to be respected both ways, although I usually am, so not a problem
are you sure you're in a BDSM relationship?
because it sounds like you're not, and if you are it's not a 24/7 like OP's talking about.
it just sounds like you enjoy sub sex, while being in a normal relationship, that's completely different.
I dint think th defintion is the whole relationship being controlled by one person, I like being sexually dominated and also certain other aspects I would like him to deal with but not spend all my money on whatever the fuck he likes and tell me what to wear (except perhaps during a sexual encounter) each day and who to be friends with, I wouldn't be cheating and I wouldn't expect him to - a lot of sex and love making ideally
means you're the boss anon
you tell her what to wear, what you think, what to eat,
Tell her what to do. What phone service provider to use. What brand of ketchup to buy.
You tell her when she can cum, you tell her when she can breathe
Yes there is, you have boundaries and agreements, even code words if you like, each relationship can define which areas are total control, complete control or no control, the point is it is agreed
every couple has its own balance, and there aren't really any definitions.
is it bullying, is it bdsm, that's for each couple to decide on its own. there are happy couples at almost every point in the spectrum.
problem is, OP's girl just said she wanted a 'BDSM relationship'.
that's very bad, communication is even more important in that kind of relationship than in usual ones, and she's already showing she isn't that great at it.
the first step should be to understand WTF she wants, and if it's compatible with how OP wants to live his life. I know I wouldn't go for a 24/7 subslave lifestyle, that's not for everyone.
I also would like him to do housework and wouldn't mind telling him to do it, especially if he likes it, so long as he's going to really do me afterwards, but I'll still love him even when he can't do it
are you OP's gf?
what you want is just rough, or maybe rougher, depending on where you are right now, sex.
if you want him to use bdsm implements, tell him so, and don't confuse the poor guy by saying you want a 'BDSM relationship' until you want to bring it out of the bedroom (and not just for one-off fucks on the kitchen counter)