Holy fuck /adv/.. I am getting fucking friend zoned left and fucking right. I am 24 and never had a girlfriend but I have been on a rather low amount of dates I guess.
Anyway, the girl always ends up saying "You are a good guy but I am just not looking for a boyfriend right now." Which is fine.. but the part that gets me is that they tell me not to change.
I have failed time and time again. I have varied my strats as well. I have tried playing it slow and not really showing my feelings for a girl. I have tried playing it quickly and asking them out quickly etc. Same thing happened.
What does it mean? Am I cursed? I am honestly not even salty about it all I guess, I am just pissed that I am trying different things and NOTHING is working.
The only thing I won't do is date a obese woman or a woman with a kid already. Also won't date a stupid woman or vain one.
Anyone have any insight? What the fuck am I doing wrong?
girls like when you're clear with your intentions since the beginning, it's not like you start being friends with them, and then after a year you just tell them that you like them, that never work.
If you're looking for a girlfriend of a fwb you have to be straightforward and show confidence, just show to them that you don't care if you don't "win" them, they'll either think that you're a douchebag (wich you don't care because if she reject you, you just move on with your life) or confident (wich is great).
There's nothing wrong with befriending a girl you're interested in and getting to know her better but it's all about the undertones. You need to make it clear from first contact that you're interested in them as more than a friend. Not necessarily by directly saying it, but by flirting dropping hints, etc. That way you give them a chance up front to avoid the friendship altogether if they don't see you in that way. Which most girls will, if they're aware you're interested and they know they are not. Guys end up in the "friendzone" because the girl is oblivious to his intentions and thinks it's just a friendship. Then they're totally blindsided when the real feelings come out
Not the case with 100% of girls, of course. There are definitely girls out there that get some kind of kick out of leading as many guys on as they can. But the vast majority will just avoid the friendship altogether if they're not feeling it
If you want to be their friend, be their friend.
Otherwise, there's no point in stopping dead in your tracks when they tell you why tjey don't want a relationship. You gotta push past it.
This is just my personal opinion, to create romantic tension I'd recommend subtlety. Tease her (not mean or mocking, but little playful things), act comfortable around her, make a few jokes, find ways to give her little bits of attention without going all out. Think of it like dropping hints. Definitely do NOT make your intentions known by immediately calling her beautiful, cute, etc. or using corny ass greetings when you talk/text to her i.e. "hey gorgeous" or "hey honey". Save those things for when AFTER you've established she's interested back, that's when that becomes okay. Before then it's just uncomfortable.
I felt a little scatterbrained writing this but hopefully it makes sense.
>Definitely do NOT make your intentions known by immediately calling her beautiful, cute, etc.
Complimenting someone is how you establish intent. I agree with you about the texting part, but calling a woman beautiful, cute cause you're afraid of your ego being bruised is ridiculous. You need to establish why you're actually talking to them. You need to know when to be overtly flirtatious and when to pull back, just finding the right balance.
Like I said, just my personal experience. Many of my girl friends have echoed similar sentiment. It's not about the ego of the guy being bruised, it's more about how it feels to a lot of girls -- like you're crossing a boundary you weren't invited to cross (not saying whether it's right for them to feel that way, just that I know a lot of girls that do). Especially when you use the compliments as pet names/greetings. In my opinion, the right body language and conversation will establish why you're talking to them much better than a generic compliment.
Yeah but you can't flirt with someone without telling them they look good. Like I said, it's not like I expect someone to go around tipping their fedora saying, "m'lady" but blatantly holding back on genuine compliments can work against you.
It's about finding a balance. Pampering someone up via text also almost never works unless you know them very well.
Definitely does vary from girl to girl though. I would say if the girl seems like the sort that would receive that kind of compliment a lot, i.e. if she's conventionally attractive, it's better to approach from a different angle. Makes you stand out more, whereas if you drop the same compliments she's heard from every other guy right off the bat, she's more likely to shrug it off.
Again, though, I'm really bad at organizing my thoughts when writing this sort of thing.
I don't know, I sort of disagree. I definitely think compliments are important, it's just there are a lot of ways to compliment a girl. I think a girl would be more likely to respond positively to a more personalized compliment. Complimenting a specific feature like her eyes, hair, etc. (obviously not anything creepy or sexual). Better yet if you can pick up on something about her personality, or a personal choice she's make (shirt, make-up, etc.).
I mean I wouldn't expect every guy to be in tune with make-up choices and shit but a little can go a long way
Yes a personalized genuine compliment. If you tell someone that they're the most beautiful person you've ever seen and you're not being genuine about it, they'll know. And as always, just using it as an opener is a good way to break the ice and show you're a friendly human being. I know guys who will just make the entire conversation, "Damn girl you so hot" centric and it works for them, I'd rather open with a compliment then talk about stuff, then end with a compliment like, "blah blah it's been nice talking to you Sharon, you're a really interesting and cute person, let's hang out friday night" that establishes intent that you're not just interested in being this person's friend.
Most guys, like OP, end up being in the friendzone because they're way too "respectful" and less indirect.
Definitely agree about the "most beautiful person" thing, nine times out of ten it's going to sound like a line you use on every girl you talk to.
I agree with the approach you described, shows that you're genuinely interested in who they are as a person but also let's them know you think they're attractive without making it seem like that's the only thing you care about.