I don't feel the motivation to do anything. I've backed out from plans with friends two days in a row now. Two different groups of friends too, like I just don't want to be around people right now. I've been awake for about 4 hours now and all I've done is made breakfast and paced around the house, lost in thought. Why do I feel so empty?
>>16714768 I hate when my friends use pickup tactics to meet women at bars every time we go out. They way they talk about dating feels very tactical and sociopathic than anything remotely close to authentic.
I genuinely feel like they just hate women and would take advantage of one if given the chance, it scares me
You probably thought my post was funny because our first time meant so much more to me than you.
Or because our sex in general probably means more (emotionally) to me than you.
Or because I love our sex but it doesn't compare to the sex you've had with anyone else. Especially over the last year, probably.
But what do I know? I'm just a dumb piece of shit with no brain. Clearly, because I only had an episode and tried to kill myself.
God I fucking hate myself and whatever the fuck is going on between us right now. You won't even let me explain what happened which, granted, should definitely wait until we're face to face. That is, if you ever even want to see me again. I have no fucking idea why you would want to.
My relationship is dying, and it's all my fault. I'm such a salty bitch that I am shocked that you're still here with me. I wish you'd just leave; even though I know you won't.. It'd just be so easier for the both of us. You'd be free and I'd be what I deserve most: Alone.
I'm sorry. I'm starting to feel guilty, but I'm being egged on. I don't know whether I should stop or keep going. I'm afraid this might land me in trouble and I'm not sure if it's alright anymore, since my pain is starting to fade and my vision is clearing. I just want to talk to you. You deserve nothing bad now.
Every time I grab a pencil to draw, I feel the urge to draw a noose, a gun, some heads on spikes or words like "KILL ME". On one hand raw emotion poured on a piece of paper could be a beautiful thing, but on the other it would terrify everyone who loves me to know that there are thoughts of suicide floating in my head even when I smile. My favorite notebook is a mess of torn pages because I was afraid maybe my drawings would be too worrying. If I do end up killing myself, I just want my family to be happy and okay. I just want everything to be okay.
I'm so sorry, everyone. I feel like I've let down the world. I wish I could be a source of joy for many people, a sun. But I don't know how. Right now, I'm lower than a worm.
Hey, girl. Please understand that it was nothing personal. I couldn't care less about your existence. The one I meant to hurt was myself, you just happened to make a fine knife. Your existence stings, and I wanted to feel the burn like I deserved to. Do you understand? In a way, I'm sorry.
Anyways, in twenty years, we'll remember none of this. In a hundred we'll be dead, in two hundred edgy young couples will be banging on our graves and no one will give a crap. That's the circle of life I suppose.
I want to feel like a somebody. In some sort of way, I want to matter to someone or society. I work a shitty retail job that's completely gruelling and lowly, I've never had a gf, and since I'm not in school right now, I'm not going anywhere fast. How am I supposed to decide on a life path if I'm depressed and completely apathetic about everything?
All I want is to work a job that DOESN'T make me want to kill myself. A decent job and some sort of validation would really take the edge off my deep sense of isolation and pessimism. Worst thing about this is that what I want comes easy to quite a lot of people. People "fall backwards into relationships", have some sort of passion "just because", and find social interactions "intuitive".
I have one friend whom I see once a month or two. We play video games and that's it. He's a borderline shut-in like myself, so there's no way I can daisychain new friends from the friendship. You need friends to make friends, especially when you aren't in school. I don't like bars or clubs, so I can't mix with other 20-somethings. I can't join clubs because I'm not in school; Places like meetup.com are full of babyboomers who jog and do yoga; I can't befriend any co-workers because I'm not allowed to socialize with them for a second or my boss will walk by and discipline me.
I feel like a worthless worm. I was born as a worm, am seen as a worm and will always be a worm. As I suffer, life goes on for others. That's the painful aspect of being an insignificant being, you're being kept back while you get to see all that life has to offer. All I hear is society saying "Oh my god, this is so good! Oh, this isn't for you, though." I will never get my turn. I'm always feeling like I'm waiting for my real life to start. The funny thing is that my real life is right now and I'm wasting away.
>>16715630 I had an 'episode' thing (BPD and bipolar), completely lost control and dissociated.
I was jumping in front of cars on a highway, and then slit my wrists with a blade that was in my bag. Because I was so out of control, the cuts weren't deep enough, and the cars swerved around me when my bf wasn't pulling me off the road.
He then called the cops and an ambulance. Next thing I know, I'm curled up on the path bawling my eyes out, an absolute wreck, with both me and my bf covered in blood, and with the cops and paramedics trying to calm me down. They put me in the ambo and took me to emergency.
I don't remember 95% of it, and I've never had an episode like that in front of him before. I think it was actually one of the worst episodes I've ever had. He's hardly spoken to me since.
You should get therapy and talk to a professional, maybe even ask them/your doctor to try some medication. It's shit, but surely there's more to life than hating yourself every day?
the first time and only time i met you was at that party. you had the gall to start bitching at me while drunk about how women have it so easy and that guys will settle for anything. I should've known just how much of a piece of shit you'd be. Having your own little clique? You'd readily call it that, huh. If you hate women so much, why are you acting like a bitch?
I can't wait to move out of this fucking city, full of fucking inbred autistic cunts.
>tell therapist I've been really down and having suicidal thoughts again >she says she can book an appointment with a psychiatrist so I can get back on medication >the waiting time is of 6 months minimum >she says if I feel really bad I can go to the ER >mfw
I hate myself and my family Brother is an autistic fit fag who developed some kind of "dont do what i do" mentality so he gets mad when i try to go to the gym idk why he's this retarded, he's also a jobless NEET like myself and we still both live with our parents, we do share a lot of similar interests though like not being a normie and stuff, so we're both good for nothing now, idk if he's still a 24 yr old virgin i never asked he was quiet the hit with the ladies. My relatives in my father's and mother's side gets on our shit constantly, bragging(passive aggresively) about they're getting rich and what not now they all hate me and i hate them i just lock myself in my room whenever they come
Fuck me for being pussy faggot beta I just want to run away from all of this shit
1 minute after I swallowed your cum you were on your cell phone. You didn't look at me. Then the bitching at me because I was acting "stressed." Then the gas mask. Then I asked a question and all hell broke loose. I felt your hate. Then you pushed me out of your apartment like a piece of trash.
I'd never had that happen to me before and it broke my heart. Congratulations you broke me.
>>16715548 What im feeling right now Sometimes i wish nuclear winter actually happens Or that planet x is actually on a collision course with earth or some shit Hell i'll volunteer to be in the millions to be killed to save billions
Im straight but i dont know why showing my dick and ass to someone on omegle makes me horny, like i waste a lot of my time on that shit even though i tell myself that I wont go there anymore, i dont know if it is because im sick as fuck and want to have like sexual interaction with anything but a porn video and I want to stop but i feel powerless as fuck because ive said that a thousand times and never do it, and i dont care if that means im gay, really i dont mind if i fall in love with a guy thats fine with me as long as i live a happy life but i want to stop wasting my time on that shit and doing that kind of stuff, plus i just ended a chat of 50 minutes doing all kind of shit and i broke my first rule which is no showing face but i did anyway and now im scared as fuck if that guy took a video or something and posted it
You, number 6 are now over. The same as 3 and 4. Over before it even started. I listened to the songs, with a quiet ache this time, and I've stopped thinking. The proxy has been thrown, but we'll just see how long that one lasts. No sleep tonight, unfortunate, because I'll have to face you tomorrow, a stoic face, just like always. I really wish I would cry like last time. I suppose I am getting used to this. Maybe I will fuck you, just to see if she was right.
My gf is bothering me. The good still outweighs the bad, but goddammit she needs to grow up a bit soon.
She says she cares about her career but shit it aint going anywhere because she puts 0 effort into it.
If you want to have fun and shit and not value your career then do it! I'll even stand by you because I'm going to earn enough to support us both. But honestly, at the end of the day, I don't think you're going to be happy in the long term if you don't put effort into achieving your life goals.
I think that what will truly make you happy for the rest of your life is achieving your goals and that's what you should put a bit more effort into.
Love is a miracle. My patience can run out with any other person, but not you. I can dig and dig past all the love I have for you, and there will always be even more love waiting. I can't see myself ever being really mad at you, or spiteful or anything. I want to run away from my old life and travel the world with you. I want to wake up in the morning and hear birds with you by my side, and drink cocoa in front of a fireplace wrapped in a blanket with you. I love you more than I can ever describe. I love you. I love you.
I want to give everyone in this thread a hug. I'm sure you all deserve one.
Walked past a little domestic dispute, if that's what I can call it.
Walking to the shop, hear them before I see them. The girl in the car squirming tryin' to move away and the guy hitting her. Screaming at him and telling him to stop.
I saw her move to the back seat and lock the doors on him. He had a key (kek) and unlocked them, she kept moving.
I know the types, seen it before. One week from now she'll be telling her girlfriends "...But he's really nice once you get to know him..." and he'll keep doin' it.
Her choice, as well as his. None of my business and they'll both have to live with the consequences.
But I still feel shitty about just walking away. Another generation of men might think I'm a bad guy for not doin' anything - but I've been raised by the "any excuse to lash out at men kinda equality" generation. Literally been called out as sexist for not punching a woman - all because she called me a bad name - shit I wouldn't hit a guy for that.
Truth be told, I don't care about the woman. If a read the local papers tomorrow and find that she's dead in a ditch, I'd hardly give a fuck.
It's the guy that I have a problem with. Reminds me of my older brother. The violent psychopathic way he used to act - if I cried one of the millions of times he hit me, I was the "selfish" one for tryin' to get him in trouble. He felt he had a right to hit me.
He'd tell me I deserve it, but the moment a witness was nearby it was suddenly "oh, anon, you're so clumsy, you've got to stop tripping up".
That's pretty much how this guy acted when I got close. I wanted to call bullshit and fuck him up, but it wasn't my business.
Besides, if I helped her, she'd never learn. She's the only one that can stop this happening again.
But I really wanted to hurt that guy. Not for her, but for me.
I hope I see them again. One thing I know about guys like that, it that they can't handle a confrontation with someone they haven't abused and got in psychological handcuffs.
Fuck you for being such a bitch to me when things progressively fell apart. You made out like everything was my fault. I hope one day I run into you and you see me for what I am... For good or ill. Maybe you'd be surprised, or maybe you would feel disgusted. I wonder how you'll act or respond, but first and foremost I wonder if I'll ever even see you again...
I wish nothing negative upon you. I do hope you're going alright though, and I still sometimes wonder where you are and if you're still here... I also still wonder if you ever think about me and our memories. Oh well, my life has gone on
Fuck this you don't read these letter threads. And you most certainly don't write on these goddam threads. Hell, I don't know if you can even read, let alone write. All I want to know is how the fuck you get up in my face like who you think you are? How dare you? Was it some kind of fucking prank? Obviously I'm in pain, obviously I'm a lonely pathetic desperate person GOD that's what I'm all about! I dont' belong out there, you do. I'm just hoping every night that I'll die somehow. Because I'm unlikely to die sitting home in my room crying myself to sleep every night like I use to. The man I made life with betrayed and rejected me. I didn't have sex for two years before you came along babe.
I have borderline personality disorder. I've just come to terms with it myself. In other words, I'm crazy. I thought everything would be fine when I lost weight, got fit and found myself a 5/5 girlfriend. Everything seemed so perfect for a moment, I thought I had my life back on track but I don't think this is something I can escape from. I don't want to be crazy.
I try to keep it out of my thoughts but it haunts me whenever something goes wrong. Everything was fine this morning. I went to college and hanged out with my friends on a break. I don't even know what exactly triggered it but the next thing I know is that I'm going crazy. I wanted to rip the hair out of my head. I was feeling anxious, sad and angry, all at the same time. For the rest of the day I've felt extreme anxiety, depression and envy for no real reason.
I'm actually thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend because she's often one of the reasons I get these impulses. I'm not sure if I should seek professional help, I don't want to be labeled crazy. I haven't told any of my friends because I think they wouldn't take me seriously without a professional diagnose, I'm not even sure if /adv/ takes me seriously but I feel like it's the only place I can go and vent.
>Never had sex >Don't even have any friends >Masterbate so much and to such depraved shit nothing can sexually excite me anymore >Even if by some miracle I become a real person who has freinds and relationships my "first time" would probably suck Its weird how normalized it was to me. I realize now that most people masturbate only once a day to generic videos of sex, which bore the shit out of me
>>16716630 I was not molested... I was actually was jus-.... Ah screw it... Yeah I was raised by wolves... Can you older cisgender girls just accept the fact I only want you only. Mean really... REALLY... I MEAN SERIOUSLY REALLY..... My god you girls get out the chemistry tables and do propagated theorems and shit when I show the reasons... Oh my God... Want to know something EVERYBODY HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE GAY... Ughhhhh..... UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Tired of your bullshit, your lies, and your dumb fucking woman logic. Stay the fuck away from me. You see me on campus, out at the bar, don't talk to me, don't even fucking look at me. Your life is a shitpile mess and I want nothing to do with you. You're dead to me. Just another mistake I've made. There is a dark joy in knowing that you and your new man are constantly fighting and I will laugh when it goes down in flames. The common denominator in all your shitty, failed relationships is you and you're too fucking narcissistic to see it.
I will never forgive nor ever forget. And I will take this grudge to the grave.
I met this girl a few weeks back at a party. We made out and i got her number, we texted for around 35 days and she asked if i wamted to meet up again since she was in town. I said sure and she picked me up, we drove around town for a while untill she parked the car at one point, we sat and talked and ended up making out again. This was last saturday, i tried to ask her if she wanted to meet up some day and go do something. She saw my message and didn't reply. This was yesterday, we have texted since but she has totally avoided my message. It's killing me, why isn't she responding?
Honestly, I'm mostly fine because I'm not that beta. She's been talking about a guy that she's interested in, that she met while working out and talks enthusiasticaly about him. i'm just sitting here saying I feel fine when the truth is that it bothers the shit out of me that I'm not in the same position as her (I'm jealous of what she's feeling, not the guy). So I'm just terribly insecure that I won't get laid with other girl while she's fucking the other dude.
We've talked about this and she agrees that I should pickup someone first so that she can bring up the A game with the dude and I can almost taste the hipocrisy of my feelings and that anoys the living fuck oit of me.
Maybe things would have worked out between us if you hadn't have been such a pussy bitch about absolutely everything. I took care of you, for Christ's sake. I fucking groomed you, simple shit that you should have known how to do - and should have done - yourself. I had to be a goddamn mother to you because your own Mom clearly failed as a parent, that in itself is pathetic. You were such a manchild.
There was only so much I could blame on your inexperience with relationships and shitty upbringing. Maybe I shouldn't have been so nice about everything, maybe that's where I went wrong. But I realize that you couldn't even do the things that REALLY mattered to me. Sure you spoiled me and spent all kinds of money on me, but I kept telling you to take care of yourself and work on improving your shitty life. I warned you about this shit multiple times, so many times that I actually started to make empty threats to leave you and that STILL wasn't motivation enough for you. And when I talked to you about these things, you whined about it like a goddamn four-year-old instead of handling it like a man and actually trying to improve.
You were fucking awful in bed. You'd only ever eat me out for maybe one minute tops and you could never finger me because of course, you never took care of your nails. They were always long and disgustingly dirty. You never fucked me hard unless I catered to your ridiculous fetishes, which was admittedly humiliating.
>>16716808 I'm ashamed that I wasted three years on your lazy ass, being single and hooking up whenever I feel like it after three years of horrible, unsatisfying sex and feeling like I wasn't anything might be the best goddamn feeling in the world. Know what else? I've actually started casually seeing a guy that seems to give a shit about me and how I feel about him. But do you know what's really sad? He's just as nerdy - if not nerdier than you - and might have even less experience with intimacy/relationships than you. Yet I feel more satisfied with the way he's treated me in the week that I've known him than I did in the entire three years that I spent with you. Maybe it's because he doesn't act like a complete child about everything and actually pays attention to how I really feel?
Of course, I'm mad about you indirectly treating me like shit, but I still care about you. We share some pretty good memories, so I guess I don't regret everything. I guarantee you that your future relationships are going to fail if you don't man up eventually.
You're a fuckin' dumbass, truly. You put me on a pedestal and gave a shit about nothing else, not even your long-term goals or what you wanted out of life. You had no life outside of me, your complete dependency on me was scary and unhealthy. I wanted better for you, but you didn't seem to want better for yourself, that's what turned me off, in the end, I think.
We were together for 2 years and then you told me you had a work crush. After we broke up you fucked your crush and I fucked this chick. We're only hanging out and being close to eachother because we both have been using together. I really just want to be with you again but idk how you think about me. You hint we could be together again but he still texts you. I'm all fucked up without you and I'm not sure how much is left in me. I know this shit is poison but I want to die next to you. Dramatic but Im at that point everday
holy shit i cant talk to girls. if they're slightly attractive i just am lost. ill try to act calm and ill over do it. end up spilling my shit. however if i get any idea that they might be interested in me i completely its another story. i freeze up, and just try to avoid her altogether. Its happenned to me before when i was crushing on a girl at uni. she actually tries to talk with me and i end up revealing my autism levels.i literally cannot see myself dating anyone and have no idea what i would do if i were dating. ive only dated once and it was a big awkward disaster. by the end im glad it was over with. im happy going solo but often times ill catch myself wondering what if. I either want to accept being alone forever or suck it up and try it, but i just dont know anymore...
Alright, I'm officially tired of this. Obviously you aren't serious, which is too bad because I can see you're not in a great place right now and we might've been good for each other, but you'd clearly rather play games, which is fine because that makes things much less complicated and closer to what I expected. So I'm gonna stick to my original decision. You might see me here and there as I use this site occasionally, but other than that, I wish you all the best.
I was about to agree but then I looked at the date and realised nope, I definitely would have killed myself by now in my old job. Have left it a bit long to look for something new though. Stupid me wanted to enjoy myself for a few weeks after climbing out of a crippling depression. Should have used that enthusiasm to job hunt, now the joy has worn off and been replaced with job hunting anxiety, listlessness, guilt, and fear that the next job will just have me chasing another depression.
I guess none of that rules out being a pathetic fuck though, so yeah, I still agree anyway.
Seems to be in the zeitgeist lately, with how huge the whole zombie, apocalypse, dystopia shit has become and sustained itself over the last, what, decade? Life's just gotten too fucking complicated. Too many people to look after, too much shit to know, too much irrelevant shit competing for attention. I know that the truth is the world's better than it's ever been, but it feels like we're in a sort of uncanny valley where it feels like there's no excuse for the shit anymore but we're just not at the point of fixing it yet.
It's a lonely time to be alive. Going out with your fellow man in a planetary blaze of glory is way more appealing than going to the doctor one day, discovering out of the blue that you have an asymptomatic tumour that's going to kill you soon, spending at best a couple months having poison pumped into you to try and buy a little more shitty nauseated time, then dying scared and alone and unromaticly, leaving anyone in your life behind in crushing debt because despite all your hard work and worries you never really 'made it' and the cost of your illness negated your entire existence's accomplishments. Or waking up one day, realising you don't remember what it feels like to not feel terrible, let alone remember actual happiness, and just slowly waste away while you try to figure out how you possibly survived this long, and realising it's not worth it anymore. Or just walking out the door one day and just getting scattered along the street by a shitty driver with no warning.
I've never told anyone i know about my depression, suicidal thoughts, self hatred, abandonment issues, etc. before. Not even my own parents. I keep that to myself because i don't want to dump a bunch of baggage on people who don't deserve that. All i want out of life is a nice cute girlfriend who i can be with and forget my problems. But the overwhelming opinion of the majority seems to be that people like me are nothing but trouble and should be avoided romantically. Which isn't entirely untrue, i've got a lot of issues, but i'm always trying my best to overcome them myself without troubling other people. But i just can't help but think i'm pretty much useless as a person because of the way people think of me. I just don't think i have the courage to face people knowing that i'm the exact opposite of what they want from a person. So i think i'll either kill myself or become a hermit to save people the disappointment of having to deal with me.
I have close to zero experience with girls, and when I see one eyeing me and I eye them back or hear them laughing with my jokes in class I just get disheartened. There is an infinite amount of space between me knowing them and them knowing me why even make an effort.
The fact this happens and builds up expectation within myself that I should attempt an effort. The next time I see them I am determined that there is no point to it.
I give up on things so fast I'm not doing what I should be doing Maintaining any amount of discipline is difficult.
I'm not even an effective loser, I am just getting by. I haven't reached bottom, I'm just aware that nobody wants me.
>>16716951 You should keep tryimg to overcome everything, eventually something good will happen,it might seem like you've been trying for a long time and it's a waste of time but it's not, something always happens even if it's small, the smallest amout of happiness is worth the wait and even that small happiness is worth waiting for someday.
I feel like I'm some sort of crazy person, nothing grabs my attention, everything seems so boring, I don't watch TV or anything like that for entertainment, I used to be into video games and a few days ago I was at gamestop looking for a good game to entertain me and my younger brother asked me what kind of game I was looking for and I said, "something where there's killing some uncomfortably violent game I just want something to satisfy me and he looked freaked out told me what I said was not normal and I felt kind of weird because my boyfriend was with us the whole time
I wanted to let you know you're already dead to me. Whatever used husk of a person still sits on the other end of the internet connection is less than trash. If you were to show up and knock at my door I would open and see right through you as if no one was there, and close the door again. Why are you still breathing.
>>16714768 You know if you have to tell me your a nice guy while ripping my heart out and OKing me in a way no one but me and you know about them your not a nice guys. Every horrible thing you did was hidden we'd go to out with your friend and i looked like the depressed one. But the truth was i wasn't depressed when i met you. I had two friends like family that you hated and drove away over those two years. You use my love for you to destroy me and when i was only yours you disaapear for day turning your phone off. Then you have other girls that are just 'friends' who take nude photos of you and send it to you and call you there fuck buddy. Sometimes i wish you would just disappear or die or something. But no you will move on to one of the others. I don't find it easy to move on i find it hard to love like i loved you. It will take me years. But in the end that's ok i think because i have something different inside something special and you never really saw that never really treated me well enough to see it. I can't choose to give it away assume it's smarter than me and it's waiting for him. And the truth is i can't wait to find someone i can truely love and i'm happy to wait i will not end up with you i will not end up unhappy i will be ok no matter what. I wish i didn't care about you and even though all the cruel hurtful abusive things you did i really wish i didnt still think that your a good guy deep down
I am never going to get rid of this doubt-machine inside of my head and it will destroy my life. I'll probably die before I reach my mid-thirties even though I don't know if I'll be the one to end my life. It's weird but I can feel it. I've felt this way for the last three years.
>>16714768 Look at me... writing again on /adv/... What have I become... I feel like a hollow body. All this pessure on me is making me sick. All I want is a friend... and now... I just got turned down in the last possible secound at getting a friend... I know He is shy and all but... meh I feel like shit and I really hope He isn't reading this since I know how Bad He World feel about it. He is such a cutie.
All this pressure on me... nobody understands. Why does nobody understand me? I never had real friends and Noone to Talk to about my feelings. Just because I'm a little but wierd... no. I'm definetly a wierdo to society. I mean just Look at me... I'm 1,75 m Talk and weight 100kg. I'm a ponefag AND Furfag. And I'm bisexual. And I'm stubborn but I'm Not assertive at all. What a shitty combo... but I don't want to have to change Who I am just to fit in... I want to be myself.
All the pressure...
School, Parents, Online Friends... everyone fies me pressure to do something THEY would like me to do... But nobody asks what I want to do. What my Plans are. What I wish U could do but can't because of the pressure...
I want friends, I want a Partner, I want to learn to draw, I want to continue to Programm stuff and learn how to do it... and I want to loose weight. But nobody ever gave a Single fuck. The only thing that counts are grades... right?
Fuck my life. Fuck the pressure... I just want to go home.
>Have way too much stuff >Can't put anything in closet because of mold >Feel sentiment to 90% of the things I have, even if it's junk. >Can't throw out some things because I might need it later. >No space to put anything >Have a shitton of old personal paperwork I want to burn, but no fireplace or shredder.
I'd like to get a bookshelf or a filing cabinet or something, but I'm unemployed right now and only have around ~$700.
>>16714768 I'm a in the closet transgender female, with no REAL job/education that quit college for dumb shit, and stopped talking to my loving friends that cared so much about me, and here i am working for the 'rents and living as a depressed faggot
There's a girl, who used to be a really close friend to me. We've known eachother for 4 years. I liked her since the first time we've met. We went to the same highschool, she was a grade below me. I started to get her know. We became friends, speaking daily. Shortly after hat I exposed my feelings to her. She didn't give me a straight answer at that time, so I was hoping and got crushed by an other male. Actually she forgot about our meeting, when she was around with that guy. Still we remained like best friends.
I started developing myself. At that time I was being around idiots. I began to pay attention to more important people in my life, who actually care about me, I cut my hair, lost some weight, caring about what I wear and gained confidence. Slowly I accepted that we're only friends and we do not match. I was kind and supportive everytime to her, but as time went by we became more and more distant. I always had my mind on other things, on other people, you know how it is anon, you can't care about everyone in the world, you have to choose. Also she's like 6/10, having a cute face and a decent, nice body. I also consider myself around 6/10, 6.5/10 now.
In the summer I was really looking for uni, eventhough I applied for the closest to my homeplace (but it's still in the top of my country). She constantly started to bother me about not seeing eachother and that I'm not giving her the attention I used to, so we've met. It was a causal meeting. We were just speaking, walking and shit like that. Some days later I got a really long message from her where she stated she maybe in love with me. Well, it was really unexpected. She's a rather self-centered person with low self-esteem and often gets depressed. Also she's very shy and this was her excuse for not telling it face to face. Nevermind, I told her that I'm not really into her, because I spent a lot of time to get familiar with the feeling of being friends with one of my greatest crush in my life. I am 21 years old and still a virgin and I always hated the thought that people are just changing partners continously, I love to just be alone and do things on my own way, but I like to be around people too, but I find it hard to develop trust in people who I want to spend my life or just most of my time, so usually girls only give me disappointment, also I find most of the people boring, since I feel I have interest in a bunch of things and I hardly can find anyone, who likes anything.
So I told her, that uni is coming up. It maybe harder than I expect it to be and I considered her more of a friend since then etc. In college I tried to get to know as much people as it's possible. I went to a lot of parties, I tried to date girls and trying new things. The problem is that she was getting always on my mind. In november we met again, I told her, that I think more and more of her. Soon we started to act like a couple. It was great, because we had already known one another. The second time we've met we were already cuddleing in my bed and everything was so good. I even felt things I didn't know I'd be capable of. Then I asked her, if we're dating and from them she started to act really strange. I mean she stopped saying how much I mean to her, stopped sharing her thoughts. I thought I was just overthinking things and maybe she's just getting used to our relationship, but it really bothered me and I didn't want to be a bitch about it, but I asked her again and again about this. I explained her how I think this should work and the she can put trust in me, because I'll be with her everytime if she wants, but if I asked her what would she say if somebody asked about us, she only said she didn't know. At christmas I went to their place, I met her parents, gave her a gift (I also asked her if we want to exchange gifts and she said it's no problem, but when I gave him mine, she freaked out, that she couldn't find anything to give me). That was the last time we've met on purpose. We were messaging everyday, I often called her too. Weekly I asked her if we would meet, but she always had an excuse.
After 2 weeks she said she's really concerned and sad that she acts like this with me and that she should meet me, but I had to learn and had some things going on and she didn't have too much freetime either, so I made a promise with her about meeting next week. Last weekend I couldn't reach her anywhere. She didn't messaged back, I couldn't even reached her on phone. At the end of the weekend I finally could speak to her. I told her, that we need to meet, even if it's just half an hour to speak trough things, mostly I wanted to share everything I think and feel about her. Sadly we didn't meet, but had a really long speak through messaging. She told me she didn't answer me on purpose, because she didn't know what to say and she was scared, because I'm really important to her, but she feels she doesn't believe she could love anyone on a long term. She told me that she also was really happy in the first weeks with me, but soon she had a fear about hurting me and not being able to love me enough and things like that. Well, it was hard to face, but I still shared with her how much I care for her, like her and she can count on me. She also stated that maybe she needs a friend rather than a boyfriend, but I answered that I don't want to do this again and even beside her I started to ignore all of my female friends, because I didn't want her to feel uneasy with me. Yesterday I saw her on the streets, I was with two of my friends but no other people around us. She walked with one of her girlfriend, didn't even look at me, but it's obvious that they noticed us. I waved them and said hi, they did the same, then walked. I tried to message her, but the thing is that I think I overexceeded myself already. I don't think I ever be this kind to anyone in my life. Well shit. I'm sure that she doesn't have anyone else, she didn't even meet anyone in the past two years as much as I know. I'm a bit confused now.
I can still only write about you. Fuck you. I do anything I can to occupy my time, so I can't go fucking crazy, but most things I do just remind me of you, and then I'm wishing my death and brewing until my distractions can get me away. The dreams with you are still my favorites, and pretty much the only ones I remember. But I hate that I think of you so much while you're far away, long past any thoughts of me. I don't see anything worth my continued existence but dreams and a delusion that some day I'll ever meet someone like you.
You all ways did this...matter of fact you did this the last fucking 4 years. I question what the purpose of meeting someone like you was...you made me feel so safe, secure, and I trusted you but you left me high and dry for a guy you cheated on with me...
Part One: F, You FUCKING CUNT WHORE BITCH!!! Spreading your fucking delusions all over, shitting all over your "friends". Keep it up and see what happens. You're gonna get your shit slapped hard, I can goddamn promise you that. You're a crazed, self-centered, vile, spoiled little brat and I cannot wait for you to get yours. Part Two: J, Oh dear god, I can't stop thinking about you. Every time we're together you're so flirty and affectionate.You're a flash, a bolt of lightning and I'm caught up in your power. You could have me so easily, if you'd only just say so. Please just say so. Every moment of not knowing is torture. Please release me from this, give in to what we're both feeling. Please...
I was just outside having a smoke before goin' to bed when I heard them again.
The guy... "Go on then, get out go on!" screaming his lungs out shouting from a street away. I can see from my garden that lights on on over there.
Seriously contemplating going for a late night/ early morning walk just to make sure everything's ok...
Been grouchy all day... walkin' away like that left a bad feeling with me. I hoped it'd be the last I hear of it, but now, just before I was going to sleep I hear it again and now I can't sleep. I'm wide awake.
It wasn't my business, but now it's affecting my sleep.
I'd rather just walk past there house when I wake up, but now I'm worried I won't sleep at all until I've checked things out.
This bothers me.
I can't just keep saying "not my problem, not my problem" when the guys attitude is really startin' to grate me...
At some point, I'm gonna walk past. Hopefully there will be a reason to call the police without worrying that I'm wasting their time (and hopefully not so serious that someone is hurt and I'm left feelin' guilty about not doin' anything at first).
If I can call the police, it'll be better - I'll sleep easier... If I can't, I'll just have to keep my eye on them until he slips up and gives me proof.
>pregnant >bipolar >scared My bf tells and shows me he loves me but I feel it'd to good to be true and I'm thinking of leaving him after its born and not taking it with me. Also killing myself after seems a good route too
Right now, we both feel bad. You feel like you were betrayed and lost a bit of your manhood; I feel abandoned and misunderstood. Why can't we help each other out? Healing alone is more difficult, and keeping bitterness in our hearts isn't healthy.
You -were- hurt, right? You hide the pain so well that sometimes I doubt you're still vulnerable at all. Sometimes I wonder if you really felt any pain or whether you lied about it. You moved on so quickly that it's hard for me to understand. I'm sorry we're so different when it comes to handling pain. In the end, I guess that difference was our demise.
Im so fucking done with all the bullshit in my life and mind. Soon im going to have to make a major decision concerning my future area of studies and i feel really pressured into something i dont really want to do.
It's happening tonight, I feel as if I'm going to detach a leech that I was so fond of.. I can't go any further with this relationship anymore A, you're fucking killing me by making me grow more feelings towards you. Why can't I be a fucking sociopath and not feel anything at all? :| emotions fucking suck! I hate my life and I made the worst mistake by letting you take advantage of me. You fucking cuntprick you.. This toxic relationship is only getting worse, I love you so fucking much.. and I despise you so fucking much at the same time.. but it's time for my to cut all contact with you since I'm obviously not on your priorities list. Only coming around to your benefit, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE YOU! I GAVE YOU ALL THAT I COULD G.. I gave you everything yet you don't even bother to message me to see how im doing, you're not a genuine friend like you said you would be. I opened up to you and you did the same.. only because you felt like you had to after I did.. not because you wanted to. FUCK YOU A you MANCHILD, choding,slut fucker. You have the worst reputation in this town when it comes to chicks and I still had the heart to find out who you really are on the inside. A beautiful person, but a fucking asshole. You know who I am i know you lurk thru 4chan prick.. don'teven ask yourself if this was for you because the whole message itself perfectly describes only you. I cannot fathom the fact I was head over heels for you.. what the fuck did i get myself into? I just wish you saw who I am, instead of an object you'd come back to when your fucking choding penis is erect. I wish you saw me naked, and not just simply another undressed woman.. I gave you all that I could and I fucking hate myself for that now.. I still can't believe I love you so fucking much it's sad really..
I took 18 ibuprofen last night trying to get some kind of high and then went to my friends' house and had a 40 and tallboy and 1/3 bottle of vodka. One friend left and things were going great until I got really depressed and crying and told my friend how I've been wanting to kill myself. And we talked for a while then she went downstairs to Facetime her boyfriend and I found their acetaminophen and the rest of their booze and wrote a suicide note and then passed out and didn't even touch the pills or booze. I even manage to fail at killing myself. Anyway, today's been kind of odd. My fucking stomach is killing me and I've been out of it. I want to read what I drunkenly wrote in that suicide note but feel like not even opening my notebook ever again. I don't feel like killing myself anymore. I was thinking today about what I really want to do with my life at this time right now and what would make me happy, and it's not doing what I'm currently doing in life. I'm in school in a program I'm no longer interested in being in, working washing dishes all the time, and girls either only want to have sex with me or the ones I want to be with aren't interested in me. What I want to do with my life is grab my camping backpack, fill it full of essentials for survival/outdoors living, and go backpacking around the country riding freight trains and seeing the beautiful sights like when I'd roadtripped to California. At this point, despite being off them cold turkey for the past 2 1/2 years, I'm considering getting back on my medication. I have an appointment for Wednesday the 27th at 3:00pm anyways to get a change on my anxiety medicine prescription, but that was just because i want to get xanax bars and get fucked up. But I may actually try to get put on antidepressants again. I just don't like how they made me a robot, going through the motions of life and not really having much for feelings or a sense of humor. I'm glad I could get this all out. I love you, anons.
I forgive you for cheating. I forgive him too. I hate you and love you, and I will learn my mistakes. If anything, I told you that's how I am. I'm around for a year to make others lives better and then I move on.
I am a average 25 yr old virgin. I have officially dated once when i was 12. and it lasted a whole week. when it comes to me and dating, im not very good at it.
If I am locked in a room with 10/10 international supermodels all in bikinis i would have absolutely no problem talking with them like a normal human and with absolutely zero interest, provided they arent vapid. And i can promise you that by the end, they will consider me a good friend. I have no problem getting along with people. even girls.
....but the INSTANT I get the feeling they are into me, I will shit myself and freeze up. go home and feel depressed.why does this happen. I cannot for the life of me figure out why the fuck im such a bitch at this.
I'm an emotional wreck who can't handle anyone being upset with me and I'm terrible at showing appreciation through my actions for the people I love. I'm so afraid I'm going to push my loved ones away because of this.
We've been together for 2 years and he's hardly spoken to me since it happened. He 'doesn't want to talk about it', apparently.
I'll give him his space but the least he could do is just tell me he wants nothing to do with me right now/ever instead of flat out ignoring me and making me feel like he's left me again and just like absolute shit. I feel like it's over but a couple of days ago he was adamant that he's not going anywhere, told me he loves me etc.
I'm going through a really fucking bad low right now, and I need my boyfriend. I have no one else regardless, but he's my bf, is it really too much of me to ask that?
I'm so fucking lost. I'm in highschool (dw I'm 18). So my freshman year, I was a loser. My sophomore year, I got friends, but they were losers. Junior year, I got a bunch of popular friends finally, but they were all seniors. Senior year, I have no friends because all my friends had graduated since I was a junior with senior friends. I have nobody now and I'm so lost. It would be okay if I wasn't an awkward fuck too. Like if I was giving a friend advice on how to talk to girls I can think of a huge fucking conversation but when it comes to me I become awkward and nervous. Im like this with dudes too. Im straight, but I mean with dudes as in trying to talk to people to get new friends. If I don't know them I just can't have a conversation with them. Especially girls. So I'm completely lost my last year in highschool which is supposed to be the best, I'd go to parties if I had anyone to go with. Senior year is the year to hang with friends, not make friends. Especially if I'm awkward. I'm just lost idk what to do I'm so lonely too I just want a girl to chill and watch Netflix n shit with idgaf if it's sexual I just want that connection. I wanna talk all hours of the night with a girl that I like but me being as awkward as I am Ik it isn't gonna happen. I'm 6'4 good looking dude, that isn't my problem. Girls notice me I just don't initiate convos. Actually they have initiated convos but I end them fast. When girls see me I'm some tall mysterious dude that they or their friends don't know. I don't want to talk to them because I feel like they'll see there is nothing mysterious about me, I'm just some awkward fuckin kid.
I lost my girlfriend. I lost my parents. I lost my uncle. And now I really want to quit college and lose my life because when she's not in my life, I never feel at peace. I don't want to go to bed with anxiety and wake up with anxiety.
One of my friends set up a dating profile for me, which was weird, but ultimately I was okay with it, even though he spent some time pretending to be me to get a couple conversations going.
Another friend and his girlfriend tried too set me up on a blind date to surprise me with it, and I straight up didn't want to do it. I went to the girlfriend's birthday party tonight and another friend straight up asked me - "Anon, aren't you supposed to be into X?" For some reason a blind date that almost happened with a shy girl I have now sorta met at a birthday party triggers me more than another friend literally pretending to be me on the internet and flirting with girls on behalf does.
I met a girl tonight who was super cute and oddly familiar to me. I finally figured out that she looked very similar to a student in a fifth grade classroom I helped out in a couple years ago. The student in question was just starting to play league of legends and has already been playing MtG for a while, both of which are things I do, so she was always super excited to talk about it (and try to distract me from helping her get her math done), so it's definitely a fond memory, but it was admittedly weird to make that realization. To be clear, there wasn't ever a attraction to the fifth grader, just attraction to a college girl that had a lot of similar facial features. Weird experience though.
Christ. I was having a really good week for a change and now all of a sudden I just want to lie in bed and wait for death again. It's like happiness is a drug and I keep coming down hard any time I take it. There's so much I want to do today but I just can't.
My cars alternator is bad, and even though it's not an expensive fix and I'm not too broke to cover it, I just don't want to. I'm sick of this shit. My mom's had my car all week because her battery is fucked, and now all of a sudden my alternator is fucked.
For fucks sake. Can I not have a nice stretch of happy times without totally fucked things happening? This isn't the only thing bugging me, but all the little things add up and boy, do I ever need a punching bag.
what if I just downed a bottle of cleaner while my sister was gone and went for a walk? I'd probably collapse in an alley or something. she wouldn't find my body at home, which is something she once said would be unpleasant for her. can't die at my parents place either. I just don't want it to be my family that finds me.. or maybe I just don't want to be found at all. they're really not giving me much to work with. maybe I should face my problems and keep living. though, if I had money I could hire somebody to take me away..
Just turned 29 a few weeks ago ( thought I was turning 28 but mom was like nop! 29! Rip) and been feeling like everything has become out of reach or pointless =\ I've been NEET pretty much the past.....4-5 years? With some more NEET in between that ;D that honestly doesn't bother me to much, a job will come and u can always go back to school. I pretty much wasted my life kicking around a football and video games. Lately I'm just not enjoying things like I use to. Like ill try to sit down and play games but I only avg a out 1-3 hours a night now, just no fun. Same thing happens when I try to go juggle a football somewhere, it's like I've been doing the same thing everyday for the past 10 years or so :(. Always feel like people from my past (small town) just make rude remarks and such if they see me kicking, I try to juggle and such atleast 3 hours a day till recently.
As each day goes by I'm starting to regret coming out as wanting to transition into a girl to mom. I've been a closet cross dresser and such for a long time (moms actually found my cloths a couple of times ._. )I'm pretty sure if I told her shed be heart broken, I just could t do that her, she's very Bible Beltish. My dad would prolly never talk to me again lol but he hardly does anyhow. mom keeps telling me to eat or my body is going to shut down because i went from 180ish to 140 since College. i just cant get myself to eat knowing itll mess up the figure i e worked hard to achieve and still plan on dropping another 10-15. I'm pretty sure Im to old now anyhow to go thru with it, but it's something that really bothers me everyday -_-.
Aaanyhow, I've lost all my irl friends years ago due to lost contact after college an never had a gf before. So I just sit here into apt all day in my girly cloths with my cat since my car recently died :(.
Tldr - NEET, friendless, gfless, carless, never be a girlless. An hero is starting g to look nice ;_; Sorry had to rant :)
I suggested we take time apart, and if we come back to each other then it's meant to be. You replied with, "How can you say that?" - I honestly felt that I was saying the right thing... That, or my guilt is so overwhelming that I cannot help but not look at you without crying like a bitch.
I did not suggest that you take your leave because there is someone else - there is no one else - but you won't believe me... Sad to say, that I do not blame you. I cheated on you (in a sense) and it broke your heart, and left you feeling betrayed.
But you did it to me, too.
But also, 2 wrongs do not make a right.
I don't even know why I did it, and because of my ability to not keep up with what I say, you think it's because you're not here with me all the time. Which only hurts us more - hurts YOU more.
I wish I would just die. That way you'd finally be free of me, and my bullshit.
why is everyone so annoying when they move downtown? maybe i'm biased because ive lived here since i was a kid but its not that big a deal. theres mixed income buildings and you can get in with a criminal record. but anytime someone moves here they never shut up about it. its not even expensive
>>16719192 I'm legit thinking about it because I can't handle the guilt of something I did. Also my boyfriend hates me. I wouldn't mind some support/care/concern/love/acknowledgment-that-I'm-his-gg/fucking-ANYTHING from him but I'm not worth it and I'm not important anyway.
My boyfriend's sister irritates me. Firstly, 3 years ago she has a one night stand and gets pregnant by some drug addict, like herself. She continues to smoke cigarettes and weed throughout the entire pregnancy and after her child is born, does meth around him. (I was not with my boyfriend yet so I didn't know of this, I would have called the police if I did.) Then after she gets off meth, she continues weed and cigarettes then gets a felony charge for breaking into someone's house and also has her license revoked until she does an AA program. She still hasn't done the program and is knocked up again with her off again on again boyfriend who's also a drug addict and is in prison. Still smokes cigarettes while pregnant, relies on my boyfriend to cart her around instead of obtaining her license, quit her steady job while her boyfriend is also unemployed, and her 3 year old had seriously bad signs of depression and isn't potty trained yet. He's a good kid and I worry for his well being even though he loves his mother. What the fuck should I do.
Your actions last night are permanent. If you try to establish contact with me again when I inevitably go back, I'll burn whatever bridge remains. There are many things in this world that can be taken back, but your decision last night is one I'll make sure is permanent. If you do attempt to announce your presence the next time, you'll see the first and only case of me being hostile towards you. If you don't attempt to play the smart boy and seek a reaction, things will merely be as they have been, I won't interact with you or acknowledge you and that'll be as peaceful as we'll be. I can finally thank you for proving my decision last month to be the right choice.
>>16719293 I did something stupid the other night that I really regret, but I really, really just fucking need some support. I feel unloved and unlovable, I feel like a worthless piece of shit. And the ONE person who I need support from the most, hasn't given me any except for a bit on that night. He's been cold, distant, mad, has been ignoring me, barely acknowledging my existence.
I'm 100% sure that the next time I see him (which will now be tomorrow, I'm having a panic attack as I'm writing this) he's going to leave me. So really, I'm only going over to pick up all the shit I left there, and get my heart broken. Again.
A couple of days ago when we were discussing it (the next day was when he started being super distant, ignoring me etc) he seemed adamant that he wasn't going anywhere and that he definitely still loves me. But I don't believe him (we have a lot of history) and I know he'll leave me again.
What just makes me feel like even more of a failure is that we'd been 'unofficial' for a while and only 3 weeks ago we made it properly official again, which is something I'd been asking for so long.
I'm probably just being an idiot. I just want him to love me again and to let me love him.
I keep going back to a violent asshole because I'm a stupid fucking idiot. I don't even have anyone to talk to about it, because he made me get rid of all of my friends. Last night it finally escalated to the point where the police were called and he was arrested. I'm so tired.
I feel like I can't leave because he has cancer, he's sick and trying to handle it while being unable to afford his medical supplies and being embarrassed that I make more money than him, even though it isn't a huge amount. Like $200-$300 more per paycheck.
The worst part is that I love him so much, and I'm worried he's going to kill himself if I'm not there to take care of him, but I can't take the abuse anymore. Last night he broke my hand because I asked him to leave when he was threatening to burn our apartment down and kill our cat. I feel so fucked up and awful for sending a sick person to jail, but he wouldn't leave and he wouldn't stop. I've never been so scared in my life. While I was on the phone to 911 I had to lock myself in the bathroom, which is terrifying on it's own because he figured out that you can open that lock with a coin. He was so drunk and out of control that he stabbed the door. The most frightened I've ever been is when I saw that knife on the other side of the door. I thought he was going to kill me.
I just had a follow up call about his bail hearing, and how fucked up is it that all I could do is ask the officer who was speaking to me to care about his mental and physical health? How fucked up is it that I want a person who broke my hand and tried to kill our cat to be well? Why do I still love him? What did I do to deserve this? I wish I had a friend to talk to.
I am unable to make friends. No wonder, who would be friends with me?
My biggest personality flaws are that I'm paranoid and avoidant. I'm also far too self conscious. This means I'm terrible at holding a conversation, hardly ever smile (and if I do it's a grimace) and always try to think what people REALLY mean to say when we talk and never develop an honest relationship with them. I hold people at arms length with my over the top politeness. My paranoia leads me to think more about what others think about me, than others themselves. I am rotten.
I'm happy I finally know what is wrong with me but I'm having great difficulty fixing myself.
Why did I become like this? How did I become like this?
Everyone one has their personality due to their predispositions from birth and the effects of the environment and people they interact with. I haven't had a very difficult childhood, but my family were controlling and physically abusive. How can I move past this and become a better person?
Living at my parents house at 26 doesn't much help, so I think that's one step I'll need to make. I need to move out to become more independent. But I'm afraid I'll be even more lonely than I already am, I don't have any friends. I've alienated my family already, but at least they care about me somewhat still.
I need to find out some way to become more confident, since I'll be more open about myself to others then and hopefully develop meaningful relationships with people.
>>16719396 >How fucked up is it that I want a person who broke my hand and tried to kill our cat to be well? Why do I still love him? Habit? If this isn't bait then I suggest you stay as far away from that guy as possible. Beeing supportive and caring is good and all, but what if you don't make it to the bathroom next time he grabs a knife?
>girl hung on some other douchebag who treats her like shit >sort of like her but try to be cool/friend at first >we hang out one day and end up making out >she calls and we talk a lot > next week we hang out again, this time end up fucking >sex was great she was more into it than me >says she has feelings for me, blah blah blah >now acts like i dont exist, still with other guy
Fucking christ. Im not really upset that she stopped talking to me, i could give less of a fuck. But why go out of your way to act like it's going somewhere and then just close the door like that? Fucking bitches be crazy.
>>16719512 It isn't bait, I would understand if you thought it was.
It was such a fucked up night. I managed to get him away from my work backpack and my exacto knife, but he argued for 20 minutes about knives and how they're his and how he should be allowed to hurt himself. He hurt himself all day, because of his cancer surgery he needs constant fluids and to eat regularly. He has an illeostomy, and doesn't absorb water in the way people with a colon do, and he went all day without water. I've been his caretaker for nearly a year, and he'll do these things to punish me and make me feel bad whenever I'm not doing what he wants. His anger and the knife were probably from dehydration and the wine he was chugging, but he has been violent in the past, and he has trouble with impulse control and his emotions.
I'm dreading later. I have to go do a video statement with the police, but so much happened last night it's all jumbled together. I'm worried I'll say the wrong thing in the wrong order and they won't believe me. I'm worried for him, too, because he is sick. He had his bail hearing earlier, and there was an officer that called me to ask some questions about the situation and about him and I'm so fucked up that my main concern was about his safety and health. I'm worried he's going to kill himself and that it'll be all my fault. I feel like all of this is all my fault, and I keep trying to rationalize in my brain that I can't control another human being but it isn't sticking. I know better, but I can't stop doing it.
You know you should probably tell me how you feel right? I need to move on. You just run away as soon as I get online but you wont delete me either. It's confusing. You know I'm done bothering you and will not write you, so why run off? And why the fuck am I still thinking about you? I just wanted you to be real no matter the answer.
>>16719580 >I'm worried I'll say the wrong thing in the wrong order and they won't believe me. Your broken arm and him being drunk should be enough proof against him. Try to get some rest and calm down before going to that video statement.
> I'm worried he's going to kill himself and that it'll be all my fault You can help him only up to a certain point. Maybe you should try to talk it out with him, go to some counselling etc. (and risk getting killed next time he gets drunk), OR maybe you should just leave him and try to get over it (risking that he becomes an hero, and you feel guilty about it for the rest of your life). Tbh both choices seem shitty.
>>16719391 Did what you did make a significant emotional impact on him? What did you do? Honestly all I can really say for you anon is that this seems to be an unstable and toxic relationship. I know it's difficult to see past when you are in love with somebody. It seems you are dependent on this person for emotional support-which is unhealthy. Has anyone ever mentioned the word "codependency" to you? because it comes to mind. learn to love yourself. this is going to end badly and you need to use that negative energy to reflect and improve. start by getting a glass of water right now. you may ask why i say that? many people don't drink enough water and are chronically dehydrated. I just so happen to care whether you are dehydrated. also, yoga
>>16719469 I have this exact problem, anon. I'm in my 30's and I still haven't got it fixed. It doesn't help that I've always been treated like a last resort. I'm not particularly attractive on top of it all.
Thanks to my therapists I know where it started but I've still yet to figure out how to move past it. I'm starting to think it's too ingrained now to make a difference, my new therapist even hinted at that possibility.
it's not easy stabbing a tire is it? if you were knowledgable enough to play this game, you'd know that high performance, low profile tires are the hardest of all car tires to stab. there's steel in them thar tires.
if this continues you're all going to begin experiencing unfortunate automotive failures. I know you in particular are looking to use your money for more ambitious purposes than dealing with someones revenge for your retarded actions. how about, you sod off to your own life and stay well the fuck away from me? I'm not in the mood to take my typical non escalation route if this keeps going.
What the fuck am I even doing here anymore? What the fuck did I do last night? What the fuck is happening to me? What the fuck should I do? I always ask myself these same stupid questions. I always follow the same pattern and listen to the same crazy women. I swear if nothing goes right I'm just going to disappear and join the army, you won't hear of me for 20 years if that's the case,
I found my calling in life at a young age, and devoted myself to studying the skills I'd need. Then several consecutive employers bounced paychecks to me and disappeared - I can't even prove I worked for them because I have no contact information. I can't get a job interview to save my life. I'm trying to self-employ with a personal project of mine, but I never manage to find the willpower to work on it. It feels like I'm facing the biggest fear in my life just to move another step forward, for every step I take.
Porn imageboards and videogames now make up 95% of my typical day, and I don't even like any of those things.
>>16719810 I have borderline and bipolar, I'm still trying to figure out a medication plan that actually works (see >>16719265). Very occasionally, during a bad low, I'll have an episode and just snap/lose control. I'll say a lot of really hurtful things (that I NEVER mean when I'm normal) and I'll become so overwhelmed that I'll try to seriously hurt myself. The biggest problem, aside from trying to physically hurt myself and emotionally hurt whoever happens to be around at the time (always been my parents before, bf's never seen me like that), is that after the ep when I've calmed down and it's over, I can never remember 95% of what happened. Its like I'm a completely different person. The episodes usually end with me stabilising a bit as I 'come back', then I feel an overwhelming mix of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and regret.
I've tried talking to him about what happened but he just said he's not stable enough (he has a few issues too but he mainly deals with them on his own and hardly ever shows that anything is wrong). Apparently I said a fuck ton of reeeeaaally nasty and hurtful things to him, but he won't let me explain what happened and why I said them.
We both know we're not good for each other right now, we have so much history and we've put each other through a lot of shit (he's been at fault more than me, has acknowledged that and seems remorseful, and has been trying to fix his mistakes, as far as I know). But we'd honestly been doing much better for a while and my mental health had been slowly improving.
And then this happens and it ruins everything, and it's all my fucking fault.
I'm seeing him today so we'll probably finally get a chance to discuss what happened, and hopefully everything will be okay again.
And yes, I do have codependency issues, I've had them ever since I was about 4 but I'm in therapy trying to combat those issues, among others.
I drink about 2L water a day, but I have a few physical health issues that have been worsening lately. My diet could be a bit more healthy though.
I would love to find a local yoga class (I was even thinking about doing belly dancing again and/or pole dancing), but even if I did, I'm in a rough financial spot and there's no way I'd be able to afford it.
I appreciate your advice, thank you anon, I'll think about what you've said.
>>16717443 Yeah. Make fun of me for useing something pathetic as /adv/ to let go of my thoughts since I have noone to talk to about it. It's fine. I wish you never get into a situation as mine. Have a great live.
I hate that I'm thinking about stupid shit even after acknowledging that I need no woman, and that there are bigger problems out there, that I won't reach 35 alive because of how fucked the world is right now. I should care less about getting laid and more about defending myself from people who have spent their lives fighting and killing unlike me. And unlike the people I love.
No, I don't have to tell you how I feel. You should go ahead and tell me, but I will make you regret it. By the way, when I was online, it was to other reasons and I don't like being online to much and yes I saw you online and deep inside wanted to write you or you to write me. Didn't happen, so oh we'll.
I'm starting to almost dislike my best friend at times. She's always been a fairly selfish person, but over the past couple years, she's become more dishonest and callous toward other people's feelings. She cheated on her boyfriend (they broke up a few months later for something unrelated, and I didn't find out about the cheating until after that) and seems to feel no remorse about it, and that honestly makes me really uncomfortable. I feel like a self-righteous bitch for saying it, but I want my closest friends to been honest and respect others. I'm just not sure how much longer we'll be close if she keeps up this way, and it makes me a little sad. I feel judgmental and awful for it, but cheating really sickens me.
>>16719796 That's what I'm saying. I'm never going to let this happen again, but I still love him and don't want his death on my conscience.
I tried leaving him before, and he just fell apart to the point where he wasn't eating or drinking. We got back together after a hospital visit, and he promised me he would go to anger management and get counseling, but that never happened.
I keep going around and around in my head thinking that he needs me, even though he's independent, that I'm the only one who intimately knows his condition and can talk to medical staff when he can't. But I need to be safe.
I keep thinking about what would have happened if I hadn't been locked in the bathroom with the police minutes away, or if I had been against the door when he stabbed it. I just can't let anything like that happen ever again.
Look. I need to stop thinking about you. I need to stop wishing you are cuddling me everytime I go to bed. I gotta kill this desire to touch your face all the time. This will never be. To be honest I don't even know what happened. Do you? I bet you are just as confused as me. But it doesn't matter. You told me to trust my instincts. That's what I'm doing. I can feel your lies, even if I don't know what they are. It is toxic and detrimental to my self love that I keep thinking so much about someone that is keeping so many things from me. I'm no little girl. I don't want to be paternalized. I wanted your honesty so much. Now I just want you gone from my mind or else you'll destroy me. The gates of my heart are still closed. But at least I tore the walls down.
I'm above average in terms of intelligence and I do pretty well in school, but I constantly feel like a failure. I go to a high tier university in a major city in the US and I've had jobs, but I think if I don't get a serious job by 25 I'll kill myself. The idea of being a NEET makes me physically sick.
I wrote a shipping fanfic based on a television show I watch. Its been pretty well received so far and I'm presently working on another.
I think Echosmith is a pretty great band. Their music puts me in a good mood and there is a strange authenticity to their lyricism even if it's a bit too angsty, even for me.
I desperately crave approval from authority figures and getting good grades on tests/essays in college is the greatest feeling in the world. Helping my manager at work and getting his approval makes me feel like I'm on top of the damn world.
I masturbated for the first time at 18 years old, but I've never beat off to porn. I don't have a moral thing against it, it just makes me extremely uncomfortable for some reason.
I know I've been a real asshole lately, but it wasn't much different when we were dating. I've come to finally accept that I'm an abusive person and that was why you left me, and rightfully so. I remember we were at a get together for the holidays, and I humiliated you in front of your family with my anger turning into almost blind fury. You came out to see me before I left, and I remember seeing the fear and sadness in your eyes. I felt vindicated then, but I realize now that in that moment, I broke your heart, and what we had was doomed from that point on.
You're right, I am no better than T. And the fury and hatred turned inward because in the back of my mind I knew it was true. I'll be honest, I've been miserable this past year without you but I can't take back what I've done and you'd be a fool to ever trust me again.
I really hope things work out with you and K. Hopefully, he is a better man than I am.
i could be hot as fuck if i wasn't so shy and socially awkward. body is pretty bangin' from the gym, growing out my hair so i look like less of a lesbian, good at makeup from years of practice. i want to make friends, meet people, go on dates...but i'm staying home browsing 4chan on saturday night again.
I almost attempted suicide today. I had such a feeling to jump from the third floor of a library down onto the hard floor of the lobby. It probably wouldn't have killed me, but the feeling itself is what scared me. Suicide had always been a concept, never to be realized. I'm still trying to make it in this world, though being alone is killing me. I hate who I am.
I've never been on /adv/ before so I'm sorry for the tl;dr but I really need to let this out.
I have ended up in love in two different relationships, but it just sort of just happened regardless of whether we were right for each other or the relationship was even feasible (long distance, different personal goals, etc). But now, for the first time ever, I've encountered someone who I not only get along with great, but I can also see would actually be a really good match for me. This person is funny as hell, is into many the same interests, and is generally a good person. The problem is they're significantly more accomplished than me and way smarter. Not saying I'm a complete dumbass, but I'm more like the buddy who is going to cheer you up if you're having a shitty day rather than give you the good advice that's going to fix your problem. I crack jokes that seem to land with them and can keep up with conversation alright, but when I think about the reality of what might happen if we were to be in a relationship, I don't know what I could possibly offer this person besides my not-particularly-rare personality and sex. Also, I've only ever dated people a few years younger than me (by coincidence, not on purpose) which has given me a lack of experience in some ways. I've been able to give encouragement and support to my SO's but this person I'm talking about is 5 years older than me, stable job (which I have too) but in a field they love because they got their PhD a few years ago at the age people normally do, whereas I'm 27 only now returning to college to finish my undergrad degree. So I would be the one who seems "behind" in life and, from my perspective, I don't really see how that could be alright to someone who is kind of an overachiever. I've only talked to one of my IRL friends about this, who lol'd and said I could find someone more physically attractive. But I've never met someone whose personality meshes so well with mine. It just seems really rare.
I don't know if I'm really ready to get into a relationship with someone who seems so right for me, because it's been years since I was in one, and even then it started as me being great friends with those people rather than the casual dating thing. I've never been on a "real" date before. It always starts as being friends and escalates from there.
I don't even really know what I'm getting at here. This whole situation is making me think about the future and what the hell I actually want in my life. Do I want marriage and a relationship? I've never really put a ton of thought into that before because I've been too busy taking care of my sick parents and other crazy home-problem crap. This is throwing me into some weird hole of self-reflection and a ton of self-doubt. But basically I need to get off my chest that I've never met someone before who has made me think, "Wow. You're really fuckin awesome and I had no idea how much I wanted to find someone like you until I met you."
>>16721655 I don't love them. We only met a couple months ago and I don't want to seem overly creepy and into them to their face. We met through mutual friends and it would be weird to hang out outside of the group situations we've been in. Also I don't use social media like FB or whatever, so the only way to have direct contact with this person would be to ask for their email/phone number, which I have literally never asked someone for in my life because I'm ...not that forward I guess.
I can't tell how loud my voice is unless I'm really close to someone, and I talk in this really horrible slurred way with all kinds of made up abbreviations and retarded literally backwards grammar and sentence order sometimes and idioms or expression that's only make sense in my head. It gets worse in public and people just don't understand me, for a while I thought people were just ignoring me or that small little greetings and things ended there, but now as I started trying to talk to people more, or respond to people talking to me in public, they ask me to repeat myself several times almost every time and I'm reduced to making a deliberate effort and trying really damn hard just to get all the basic sounds out that connect letters into words into coherent sentences. I CAN HEAR the retardation coming out of my mouth, but I don't know how to do it any differently. I am monolingual for fucks sake, this is my only way to communicate, fucking NEET life is ruining my ability to talk to other people orally except for really close family and friends I talk to every day anyways. I don't know how they put up with this shit either sometimes.
all you had to do was shut your fuckhole and leave me alone. all you had to do was walk the fuck away. you want to know what I am? you asked that once, do you remember? you want to know? let me show you.
once again, with fire. how I love fire.
so much for you getting that house ay? remember, you brought this to yourself, you deserve it, you need to change, this is your fault.
people can never just fuck off.
do you know why I have so many rules governing my own behavior? because I'm scarier than you, but I'd rather not be. I quite like the idea of a boring life, where things are merely comfortable rather than interesting, in the chinese curse way.
may you now live in interesting times ten times worse than the times you've attempted to visit on me.
I think I know why you killed yourself now. At first I thought it might bring me some closure, but going through the same kind of shit only makes me aware of how much you were suffering. I don't know how I've managed to hang on when you let go, and I don't think I want to keep going any more. I still fucking miss you man, I'm half tempted to kill myself too just so I can join you, even though I don't believe in an afterlife
I feel like me and my girlfriend are growing apart,I fucked up the last time we saw each other and I feel like we are cold with eachother. (We live apart for the most time) I mean she has the right to be, but I hope she knows that we will break up if that shit continues. I really hope she isn't staying with me just because she is too much of a coward to break up. FUCK i'm in a corner. If I don't say anything and she doesn't love me anymore then I'm wasting my time If I say something and she still loves me, I'll get even more fucked up because she'll think i'm paranoid and I'll look like a clingy baby.
I mean one bad night with eachother couldn't ERASE everything we spend together ?
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHATS UP BUT I DON'T WANT TO FUCK UP EITHER. Maybe I need to wait until we see each other IRL
I have no clue what makes me so repulsive to women, but I'm getting increasingly lonely and my self-esteem is getting even lower. I've been single for a year now, and my last chick ruined me. She cheated on me, used me, took personal property, etc.
Part of me wonders if it's because of her that I just shut down immediately and don't even pursue women. I wonder if she's the reason why I don't even bother. Even if I am playing the victim she fucked my head up so much. Thanks for that Ashley. I hope you're getting piped or choking on some cock right now.
I'd really like a positive sign from a woman. I ask plenty out on dates and I either get no response or a no. Personally, I'd rather just get a no. I don't even want to fuck anymore, I just want female companionship that could turn into something.
Fuck. I just need a sign. I've been so low recently.
I've always been rejected by women, and I thought that I could handle rejection now; now that I had a girl like me and I her but couldn't be together, she has lost interest in me. Whenever I think I can handle loneliness, life gives me the finger and tears me down.
>>16721951 I shut down after my last relationship, which was maybe 4 years ago. I don't bother seeking companionship any more so I don't ask anyone out or whatever. I don't think my attitude towards myself would do anything but hurt a relationship so maybe it's a good thing. Maybe we need to change ourselves first before seeking out other people?
>>16721968 I've been doing nothing but focusing on myself and making myself happy. I'll be the first to admit that I am happier than I was when I was dating her. However I still feel like it's pointless. I'm just going to get fucked over again anyway.
I've banged plenty of chicks since the break up, but it's not the same.
Thanks anon. I'll keep trying. I believe that the best things comes when you least expect them, that's how I've gotten into all of my relationships anyhow. I'll just hold faith that is what's going to happen.
>>16721982 >>16721986 This gives me hope. I'll continue working on myself just like you guys. I know I'm not where I want to be yet, and even though it's fucking hard most days, I know I want to get there eventually. I mean, if I can't fully handle my own shit, I probably can't handle someone else's at the same time.
>>16722000 It's about all you can do, just keep faith that things will fall into place by doing the things you can do. It starts with baby steps.
I started cooking at home more, going to the bar less. I started drinking water more, instead of beer. I started working out occasionally, instead of sitting on my ass.
I've learned there's no miracle treatment and I still might be depressed, but I'm not going to let it stop me from growing into a better person. Eventually someone will see the better person I've become and want to be apart of that as well.
I wanna be boarding now. miss the mountains, the air, the easier way of being, nicer people. never did like big cities much. surrounded by assholes now. not just assholes, vindictive, persistent assholes that feel the need to make how much of an asshole they really are truly felt. so passe.
who the fuck are you to tell me who I am, schizo cum bucket.
who are you to tell me what makes a man, feminist sjw
who are you to tell me anything about who I am. you're not here. you're not in my head. you don't have the same experiences. you don't need to understand me, but you need to stfu and step back. talking a whole lot of ignorant bullshit. I know you're pathological and shit but fuck, put a governor on it bitch.
I'm going to meet a guy I met online in the spring. I'm very excited! He lives in the city. He's met quite a few people from online and they all say he's really kind irl, so I'm pretty confident I'm not going to get murdered and chopped up. I just hope he likes me irl, too. I still don't know why he likes me... He's so kind and classy and smart and I'm just a rube. But I'm so happy someone as great as him likes me back. I always feel better just thinking about him and he makes me want to be the best I can be. Not like changing parts about myself, but just improving. I sound like a gushing idiot so that's all.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckyou b you know who you are i love you, and i know you love me we cant go back from all the bullshit but we can learn to be adults, grow the fuck up, and move forward it's you, always was you, has always been you since we first kissed you fucking monster
I moved to new state. No friends at all. Just my parents and a nice new promotion. I'm 25, been single for 2 years, and I have no clue how to socialize and make friends. I'm scared that if I don't make some drastic change I'm going to be single and friendless forever. I try through work and everyone's got their families, and I'm no good going out by myself as I come off as some awkward weirdo.
From a professional standpoint everything is going great, have new job a bunch of savings, nice apartment, hell I'm even eating healthier and going to the gym. But I have no social life, and it's killing me. Starting to look up meetups and even considered volunteering at a church
want to start mountain climbing. starting to go back and finish everything i started to write; might send some things to publishers for the experience. never done more than awkwardly chaste kiss a cool (patient) friend but overall masturbating seems enough. not rich, but retail job allowed me to buy parts for a computer i built for the first time and pay student loans on time. looking into JET program. somehow it'll be okay.
>>16721307 I'm not going out tonight and that was a mistake because I'm just alone trying not to think. trying not to cry. Thinking about you makes me hurt in a way that is acceptable. But still I'm going there later.
>Be in okay relationship >Been together for about a year now >Has more downsides than upsides >Thinking about breaking it off >Been nothing but problems for a few months now >New girl at work flirting with me >9/10 easily >Blonde hair blue eyes >Huuuuge tits and ass >Plays vidya as a bonus >She tells me one day that she wants to fuck >But I have to leave my current girlfriend first >Think about it for a solid week >End up leaving my girlfriend >Go on date with new girl from work >At the end of the date we go back to my place >Start making out in my living room >All of a sudden she stands up >"You're a really good friend, I don't want to ruin our friendship" >"Cya at work!" >She leaves >MFW I just left my girlfriend for someone else who just friendzoned me FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!
I've started punching myself in the face and banging my head on things to punish myself for wasting time. I almost did it in public today. No bruises, bu some welts and swelling. They've been getting harder.
Is this a sign of self harm? It happens reflexively now. Should i be worried?
I've had a lump on my left testicle for a long time, but I was overweight and heavily in debt so I ignored it and told myself it was one of the alternatives or if I died from it it would be a good alternative. Now I've lost a ton of weight and got fit and knocked down my debt, but now I've started to feel an ache in my testicle which reminded me that it was probably cancerous. Now that I've turned my life around I am pretty sure I'll get the bad prognosis at my appointment in a couple days.
>>16722458 Is it behind the left testicle? If so, that's common, and feel around for a sack that feels like a little bag of worms. It used to freak me the fuck out then I looked it up and it's some sperm producing thing.
>>16721891 Dude, I hate to sound like a bitch but it's not okay to fuck with other people's things, no matter what they've done to you. Being scary isn't something to be proud of, and setting fire to someone else's house is a crime. If or when you're found guilty, it'll seem silly that you let your anger get the best of you.
I agree that there should be consequences for your actions, but I don't think you should be the one to dole them out, particularly when they could ruin your life.
>>16719298 you could volunteer all of your time to care for him/babysit. there's no guarantee if police take him he'll go to an good home. talk to your bf about your concerns, if he shares them/agrees he'll have more clout in conversing with her. maybe someone in their family could get custody/wake her up.
>>16722465 It's a hard lump at the top, so it's either a spermatocele, hyrdocele, or cancer. Or I experienced damage to my testicle during sports at some time. there's like an indentation along the "hemisphere" between what I think is the lump and the testicle. Both are about the same size and texture.
I miss you so much T. You were like a little brother to me. You were my best friend for such a long time my man. I wish you would have told me the way you were feeling before you jumped off of that bridge. I never even knew. The way people talked about it one facebook made me want to find each and every one of them and beat them to a pulp, you know I could too. People were saying things like, "that's why my husband was late for dinner", "a piece of trash just like everything else thrown off the bridge". What if that was their son? What if that was their best friend? They probably wouldn't be so snide.
If I had known the last time I saw you was gonna be it, I would have never let you leave. I would have hugged you as long and as hard as I could have. Sometimes I blame myself for not being a better friend and asking, but I did ask if everything was alright. Of course you didn't tell me, you were always the helper and the one that didn't need help. I don't get sad when I think of you anymore, I smile instead. That doesn't mean my eyes don't well up and I wish you weren't here.
I miss you man. I hope you found your peace. I go to the bridge occasionally to talk to you. Next time I go I'll smoke a blunt for you and leave a flower. I haven't been in a while.
RIP. I can't believe it's been over a year now. I hope I get to see you when I pass. I would really enjoy that. For now I'll bump some King Nicky and drink some beers for you. Love you brother.
Been with my gf for 3 and a half years now and she's cute, charming, sexy, loves video games and have the same interests as me, a bit too clingy at times, but other than that perfect for me.
However, I have been spending a lot of time studying abroad being with my classmates and just skyping her every day for the last months. One of my friends who I've gotten to know better since we all live in the same place, is so fucking hilarious and enjoyable to be with, and we're seriously laughing our asses of and having a fucking blast no matter what we're doing. Studying, partying, eating out with other classmates, anything really. She's also cute and hot as fuck (and can dance really well which is unbelievably hot). Thought she was perfect to be friends with the first few months, but have gotten more attracted to her lately and have even had dreams about her.
So now I'm feeling guilty as fuck even though I've not really done anything. The "worst" thing is maybe all the perverted and sexual innuendos-jokes we're having, but c'mon.
I'm coming back from studying abroad in a few weeks, so that'll be great, but I'll still be in her class and we're ofc planning to hang out and drink. I'm pretty damn sure I'm never actually going to do anything, I wouldn't do that to my gf, but I'm just getting a little depressed because I'm developing feelings for her.
Tl;dr: Have a gf, but getting feelings for a friend I didn't plan on/want to get feelings for, feels bad.
>>16722456 Yes. Be very worried, and go seek some help. It is a form of self-harm, and an unhealthy form of aversion therapy. Eventually someone's going to accuse someone you know of beating the shit out of you and you're going to be supremely embarrassed that you're doing it to yourself.
I felt good a few days ago. today was fucking garbage for the most part. tomorrow will be good, and I'm going to the gym. time to get momentum again. gonna be able to say things are great, consistently, some day soon.
hold on to the good, breath, move with unstoppable purpose.
gonna go for a drive.
PS to people fucking with my car lately, got a camera up. got one I'll be taking with me to work too and hiding. suck a bag o dicks.
I am bitter as fuck and I know I'm in the wrong for that.
But god damn it, all I've been seeing is the worst out of people, and now that I'm actually committing to working out to be able to join the Marines, I have grown to feel a lot of hatred. Why are people so fucking stupid and oblivious to the shit that comes out of their mouth? Why are they so god damned weak and bitch and moan about the pettiest shit? Why are they so motherfucking selfish? Worst of all, why can't I see the good in anyone anymore?
Why the hell did my dad kick me out? Why the hell did he take the money I had left in my bank account? Why the hell didn't I start working out earlier so I could join the military as soon as I got out of high school? I'm broke as fuck, living in my mom's house, no car, no license, no guns, no fucking TV, not fucking anything. Everything I had back then, except for the internet and my laptop, is fucking gone. I have 5 bucks on my fucking bank account and I gotta make it last until the 30th. Fuck man, I can't even put my frustration into a coherent string of words and express how I really fucking feel.
But fuck it. Fuck everyone, seriously. I would kill myself out of fucking frustration and finally quit this bullshit life, but I'm too fucking stubborn to prove whatever asshole deity that's out there that I won't go down so easily.
>>16717693 You probably won't see this hoarderanon, but maybe it'll help some other NEET out there.
Stop what you're doing, and look around you for a second. Just take it all in. Now, realize that all of these things are borrowed. Your computer you're reading this on, the desk it's likely sitting on, even the pants you're probably not wearing right now.
All of your possessions will only belong to you for the duration of your life, or less. What happens to them after your die? Well, that's dependent on whatever you write in your will, frankly. But even if your possessions are passed on for generations, they will–like everything else in this universe–eventually cease to exist. You've heard it a million times; everything in life is temporary.
You need to make a decision: Learn to let go now, or continue to make excuses and wallow in self-pity.
If you're still reading this, you might be considering the former. If you can achieve that, then you have the power to turn your life around. It might be difficult, depending on how bad your situation is, but dammit anon you can do it.
Why the FUCK do you treat me like shit whenever we get in an argument?
Do you remember how I acted when we first started getting close? I always blew up at you when I felt the slightest bit attacked. I made a big deal out of shit. You told me it wasn't okay, and I FIXED THAT. Because I love you.
Sound familiar? WELL YOU'RE DOING THE SAME SHIT TO ME. I am forced to walk on eggshells, or suffer your wrath if I step even the slightest bit out of line. Holy fucking shit. You guilt trip me so hard for the smallest things. You blow up in my face for it as well. You do this most of the time, and I HATE IT. You also refuse to admit that you do this. You call it "being truthful".
Half the time, you're the one consoling me? WELL THAT'S BECAUSE YOU FLING ALL YOUR SHIT AT ME. YOU ALLOW ME TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF MYSELF, EVEN THOUGH I DO IT ENOUGH. I do everything for you. I'm moving halfway across the world AGAIN, partially because of you. I try my damndest to be nice and never start shit, I give you all my love and support, and this is the fucking treatment I get. Shape. The fuck. Up.
maybe i would feel better if I typed this out; even in a place like this. Maybe it would make them feel a little more "real" and a make it something that I could look at and think about in more productive ways rather than skirting the issue. It seems so big, like just such a big unapproachable and complicated and gross mess; but maybe it's not so bad. Maybe I keep thinking like it's some magic center to all of my other problems; but actually it is only one of many not-so-interconnected issues and the thought that there may be a dozen things to work on instead of just one is too scary to even comprehend.
Pretty damned if you do, damned if you don't. But, regardless, it's an important first step to THINK about thinking - but its not really the same as acting. But its hard. You understand that its hard? You. The person that isn't reading this. The me that isn't writing this. The me that won't obsessively check for replies hoping to find that someone listened. I am not without people in my life whom I trust and respect; but it's just. Just. That this is different you know? It's like sure I can share garden variety problems with other folks, but this. I just don't know what to do with this except just shout it at the void. So, uh, maybe I ought to get to that. Get to shouting. Shout it out loud.
No, quietly perhaps. Much quieter. Soft. Softer still. Deep breathes. Steady hands. Here goes.
Off and on for what feels like my whole life I felt ... strange about who I am. I don't like what I see in the mirror because what I see in a mirror is a boy. A man I guess at this point. But I don't want to see a boy. I don't want to be a boy, or a man. I don't know that I've ever wanted to be; but I'm just so scared not to be; because fantasy is one thing, feelings are one thing - but how could I really take any steps to act on those impulses? It's too much.
Maybe it will stop one day; these feelings. I Won't look in the mirror and wish to see something different.
This week's been shit. This weekend's been shit. You cancelled out last minute. Hey, I understand people get tired and I have no problem with that but being told we were gonna hang was the one thing making my bad mood a glad mood for a few hours.
You were my best friend. The person I could come to for anything and find laughter, love and support. We did everything together. You actually said that this girl was perfect for me.
Then your fiance dumped you. We rallied around you, supported you and helped you keep your clean time. But you became more and more erratic, even trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiance, you alienated us.
But I still tried to be there for you and be on your side. You came to me about how our friendship had become distant. I explained and said what I needed to say so you threw a temper tantrum and walked away.
Yet you stalk me at work(the job I got you), lie about my fiance and I to both co-workers and friends and stalk me on facebook(even after blocking you). Then you had the audacity to say that YOU were willing to let by-gones be by-gones. We never once tried to turn mutual friends against us. Never once had I ever tried to get you fired. Never once had we even mentioned you to anyone other than ourselves. You owed us an apology.
And you told me I am not allowed to play the victim.
Fuck you Kitty. Maybe we can be friends again once you come down off the cross.
Your entire Manifesto about how I'm an awful person who gives zero shits about his friends is fucking childish. Especially the part where "you wanted it to hurt me". You're twenty-two or something. Grow the fuck up.
Also it's really hard not caving in and calling you out on this shit. However, that's exactly what you wanted. It's been two months already so I'm not even going to give you a reaction.
The only thing is that I hope you don't fuck over my old best friend. You may turned everybody else's back on me. But if you ever fucking break his heart, I will break your face.
I've made a few mistakes, but so has she. When tensions rise we argue but she threatens me with them. I don't tell her anything rude in her face. I just let her say her crap and sit there thinking of how dumb she makes herself look. Idk now I'm thinking, but does she think I'm just there without words because I stay quiet?....Really m?....
I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel so sad and alone, I put my face on every day and head to class and then return home to relax, but when I lay down and think I cry, I feel alone, I have no friends, I've had one girl I could call special and she left me, so I just sit here alone every night and cry. My classmates, my family, my professors, they don't know, no one knows I'm suffering inside, because I can't even figure out what is hurting me so much, even now I can't stop crying. I want help, but I'm too afraid to let anyone know I'm not the man they think I am. I'm afraid I'll lose any shot at life I have, and I'm afraid I'll be left even more alone. I can't take this loneliness. is it selfish to want to be with someone? even if I don't know who that someone is. I'm so tired of it all, but I can't bring myself to leave this planet. I want to live a long and prosperous life, I want to be happy, I want to have a family of my own, and I just want to be normal. I can't die yet. But it hurts so very much, and I don't even know what's wrong
>>16723236 Hrm. Also I want to fuck the shit out of my cousin, shes a tight little body.
Most of all though I want to slip my cock inside my besfrieds gf.
I want to be at their place, she come shome aerly, I'm 'asleep' on the couch with a full rock on, I know she's come home and sitting on the opposite couch with her laptop checking emails, trying to ignore the throbbing bulbe in my pants. She slinks off upstairs, I give it 10min and venture up pretending to go for a shower... her door is slightly ajar si I siddle up to it. I hear her moaning softly, I palm the bedroom door open and look into her eyes, as she pumps her fingers against her bulging pantyhosed clit and throbbing pussy lips, shes a demure little figure and my cock instantly hardens to maximum strengtyh. She catches my eye as I gaze over her tight little body, knowing her boyfriend cannt fulfil her needs. My cock stiffens, protruding from my tightly zipped jeans. Before she can conteplate resistance I push the bedroom door open and srtide up to her, my hand thrusting into my pants and grippping my thick throbbing cock. I shimmy my hips and use my hieels to pull my jeans below my waist, cock in hand, she rolls over onto her belly, a slightly shameful look crossing her face. I step forward and descend upon her plump ass, not a word uttered, just a gentle sigh escapes her lips as I penetrate her super tight small framed 5"'4 body with my thick throbbing cock. She arches her ass against me, as I descend deep inside her and begin to furiously pump my filthy bullish cock inside her tight wet honey slickened cunt, knowing she wiorships every moment of me being inside her
>>16723561 ++++she cries out as my pulsing cock penetrates deep into her tight folds, harder, thicker, deeper than shen ever received from her boydriend. Her tight cunt lips squashed between her thighs around a trusting bulbous piece of meat.
I utter her na,e gently as I lean over her, my head pressing neatly against her face, her mouth parting as she feels my hot brath against her cheek, she knows this thick swollen cock head is the best she has and will ever experience as I probe deeper into her muscular cock grippping cunt. I feel her body stretching around e, pulling on my shaft and bell end as I push deeper inside her wet warmth. My cock urging my hips to push forward harder, her voloptuous buttocks desperately resisting each thsut of my hips, as I plumb her deepest depths. She moans and screams, losing herself as my cock stretches new regions asunder, she squeels, and her tongue lollops from her mouth, as I plunder the very depths of her silky hole. I know she wants my seed inside her, how tight will her walls clasp me to eek it from my loins? Will she clasp me and drain my burning memeber dry with her hot tight flesh, before I pump myself into oblivion....
I want to get harmed, to get to a hospital. Don't know, a nervous breakdown or something. But I realise, that it's not the harm I truly want, I want the care and the affection that it would bring, which, as I feel, I do not deserve now, as I am functioning and seemingly well. Meh, we'll how far this will go.
>>16722958 I knew that. It wasn't just head. I deepthroated him and then he pulled me up and pounded me. There was some moments and then he shoved his cock up my ass and I screamed because I'd never done that before. Then he said swallow this and I did. Before that we'd fucked for hours.
>>16723927 I was a legal secretary when that fucking bullshit went down. Ken Starr ruined this world. Because fucking idiot Al Gore distanced himself from Clinton when he ran again Bush II when all he had to say over and over was "What's your problem with 8 years of unprecidented peace and prosperity?" Yup.
Try having the Starr Report published and then going to work in an office all alone with your crazy-ass boss. And then having him wanting to talk about it with you. Talk about fucking AWKWARD. I quit that job soon after. Never had an office job since.
>>16723907 I tried to kill myself a few days ago and ended up in hospital.
The ONLY person who's shown the slightest bit of care and affection was my psychologist who I saw the next day. Sure my bf stayed with me in hospital, but then he acted like I didn't exist for days, and I'm 100% sure he's going to leave me when I see him next. Not even my parents gave a shit.
What I'm trying to say is don't do it, don't do anything to try and land yourself in hospital just so people will show you they care and love you. We're nl NEVER guaranteed love, thinking that way is foolish and will only lead to heartbreak.
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