Any guy here dated a girl with BPD?
Sometimes I'm the center of her attention, other times she can hardly look at me. I know she has issues and can't help it but I don't like being treated like shit.
I really do care about her, perhaps too much.
Any advice appreciated.
They'll drain your soul and happiness
I'm not joking this time
No, the sex isn't that good. I'd even go as far as saying it's awful. We're just friends again now (devalued) but when I get another chance I hope for some improvement.
She's really sweet and we're good together but it's always hot and cold with her, no happy middle ground.
And fuel her abandonment issues?
Not gonna do that. I really care for her. I know I can't solve her problems but I'm good enough to be there if ever she needs me.
Sometimes we're amazing together.
My advice to you is to avoid anyone with borderline like your life depended on it, since it just might! Those people will justify literally anything including violence since they lack even rudimentary emotional control. Remember: just because her kind of abuse towards you has a name doesn't mean you have to put up with it. A diagnosis is not an excuse, you don't have to tolerate any bullshit just because she's too fucked up to treat you with the respect you deserve.
I use to be married to one.
Divorced her when I found out of all the multiple affairs she was having. The funny thing is all the other dudes were ugly fuckers too.
She didn't understand why I was leaving her too. There were a lot of suicide threats and craziness when all the shit was going down.
BPD people are hopelessly co-dependents and run away from any sort of responsibility. They're like children stuck in adult bodies.
Last I heard she was living with her awful parents at 33 and still unemployed.
Leave her, I have a friend who is going out with a girl with lots of mental problems. They were happy most of the time but sometimes she became depressed or distant or angry. She never let him out because she thought he would insta cheat on her.
There relationship is grey at the minute, he wanted to meet up with me for a drink but she flipped her shit and punched him in the face.
Don't know if he will go back with her or is back, he is forbidden from contacting me. But if a girl every hit me I would leave.
But how much of yourself are you going to sacrifice? Knowing that you won't receive the same amount of love in return. You can't save her, and you need to think about your feelings as well.
The worst she's got is snapping at me for no reason or over the littlest thing. I've warned her not to do this as I have a short temper and can snap easily too.
Another problem is that she's really sensitive and takes things out of proportion. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells when talking with her.
I'm not trying to fix her. I'm not in white knight mode. I'm not naive enough to think that all her problems are solved when she's with me.
Perhaps I am trying to help her a little bit, am I really wasting my time?
BPD and Dating, nigga get the FUCK OUT, life is better and the grass is greener its not even remotely worth any of the effort to keep her, you know this is true get out before you do something terrible like knock her up, GET OUT date a feal woman, you wont take the advice so go head and fuck her and be abused have fun OP
The problem you are saying you can't quit. That mentality is beyond idiotic. You aren't quitting here. You are moving on to the next step in life. This situation failed and you are refusing to acknowledge the failed situation. Move on and learn. Pursuing failure and claiming you can't quit will only leave you broken.
as someone who could have bpd themselves, and knows people with other personality disorders and has read extensively about them, please do not judge people who have them. if someone has heart disease or cancer or depression, they are not wholly defined by those definitions. it is ironic to suggest people with bpd have 'abandonment issues' in general, then say 'leave them' if you love a person (that's all of them, not just the parts you like the most) then there's no reason to leave them. how would you feel, if you were judged for parts of you that you had no part in creating, for example aspects of personality that develop in childhood. feeling abandoned or unstable emotionally is usually due to psychological damage sustained from past events, there can be healing and improvement and great sex in a loving relationship, it doesn't just apply to robots that aren't actual people. real men and women have faults and bits that don't work, and illnesses and annoying habits or morality issues, surely its best to be with someone you love and care about the most, maybe for reasons that don't matter or are understood fully, why judge people unfairly? it isn't necessary
Hi, a girl with BPD here. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year now, and it's going surprisingly well.
Please take care of your own health. If she's not doing any good for you and you're unhappy, you should seriously consider leaving her.
Things can turn better though. I was a complete mess before I started going to therapy, but now it feels like everything's going to be daijoubu. I can still be quite shitty for my boyfriend, but I'm really trying to fix it. After all, it's all about self control and motivation. A day by day I'm controlling my feelings and actions better. I really wish I could spend the rest of my life with him. He's been amazingly understanding, calm, kind and loyal to me. Sometimes (actually every single day) I'm afraid I'm too bad/ill/ugly/fat for him, but he still tells that he loves me and isn't going anywhere. Every time I'm angry, I give myself some time alone to calm down (about 5 minutes - 2 hours ), and after that apologize for him if I've said something mean. I know I've said some harmful and horrible things to him, but he knows I regret them deeply. I don't mean the things I say when I'm in rage, in that mood I just want to hurt him so he would finally leave me and let me kill myself.
I feel like a monster because of this disorder. I really don't want to hurt my loved ones, but sometimes I just can't control myself. After that I feel horrible. BPD people have the worst self esteem, and the fear of abandonment guides every action we take. Dating us is definitely not easy, but every single day I'm incredibly grateful for my bf for staying with me. I really, really love him. If he was unhappy with me, I hope that he would leave me.
I'm sorry, I can't write English for shit and it's late already. I still hope this helped even a bit.
and trust is important. if someone cheats on you, and that wasn't part of the deal then that's not because they may or may not have a personality disorder, and having a personality disorder doesn't mean they are going to do that. if someone seems hot and cold, maybe they have trust issues and need to feel confident that you love and care for them, if you show that truly, and they feel the same, it would be reciprocated
Borderliners are toxic. As you can see, >>16713660
even the tripfag isn't shitposting about this one. The only people who can save BPD people are they themselves, if they actually accept that they are suffering from this condition in the first place, which many don't do, and then seek professional help. And they need to do so out of their own will, not because their partner drags them there. A therapy against their will is completely ineffective. And even if they actually undergo therapy, it is a long and exhausting process, for both the borderliner and the therapist.
People don't say horrible things about people suffering from BPD out of spite, but because they are known for ruining lives. It is not about judging, it is about personal safety. People tell others to stay away from BPD for their saftey. The amount of damage a BPD partner can cause is insane and underestimated by many. Please don't take any of this personally, but please also accept that there are valid reasons to be vary of BPD.
i have experienced this, i stuck around for almost 2 years of it. i did plenty of research, i read personal accounts of the afflicted and the people who love and/or live with them, and i even kept a log of my own experiences. being a stable, rational/logical person, i thought i could help, or at least be an effective source of support. and i have this advice for you:
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW
it will not get better. it cant. especially if she is not in treatment (or, as it was in my case, refusing treatment). i could go on for hours with the horror stories of my own experience, but the tl;dr: version is posted above. if you stay with this woman, you are choosing a life of misery and pain.
Sorry bro, that's not how it works. Having a prejudice against someone because they will hurt you is OK. BPD people will almost hurt every person they're in a relationship with because that's their nature. You can still respect bees, but that doesn't mean you should stick your hand in their hive.
just wait until she starts getting physically violent with you. or starts with the suicide threats and/or attempts. or starts destroying your house and/or your belongings (or even your pets!). or starts harassing your friends and/or family. or starts stealing your money when you refuse to spend frivolously on her. or threatens to tell the police you raped her. this could go on for a while, but i think you see my point
you aint seen nothin yet, son
I'm this guy, I sent my post before I read yours.
You're one of the few who are actually trying. Take pride in it, I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Please keep at it, don't give up. I wish the best of luck to both of you. That's all I wanted to say.
ah, I forgot there's so much trolling here. I should have thought of that before attempting to provide rational, honest, fair and sensible advice. today's trolls have chosen the bpd label to stigmatise people who associate with it
>I'm not naive enough to think that all her problems are solved when she's with me.
but she is. i guarantee you this is what happens in her mind. and the second she feels anything out of place, in her mind, you will be guilty of betraying her. which will send her into rage mode, which will get progressively worse over time. they act shittier and shittier when people stick around as a means of "testing" you.
>am I really wasting my time?
yes. and there are far more pleasurable ways to waste ones time
in my experience it was horrible horrible horrible horrible
and she will make you feel like its your fault
but my gf never got treatment, refused treatment, and abused drugs, so she was probably an extreme case
its not a stigma. its not trolling. i am quite serious, and i want to hopefully save others from the suffering that i dealt with. this is how these people actually behave. there are innumerable accounts documenting this, both personal and professional. one of the main characteristics of bpd is denial of their actions, or the severity of them.
Narcissists and Sociopaths are equally toxic. Those mutherfuckers will KILL you. BPD are dangerous only to themselves. And it was my husband who diagnosed me when we were still dating -- still married me
Thanks guys for all the opinions. I probably should have said earlier that she is in therapy and trying really hard to control her undesirable traits. She knows she isn't perfect and she never will be but she's working on improving herself.
She's embarrassed by her condition and doesn't talk about it with anyone apart from me, and then it's really difficult for her so I don't push it and just let her open up when she feels comfortable. I'm not sure if her close family even know about it. They know she used to go to therapy years ago but not now.
As for cheating, she doesn't sleep around. She's not that type of girl. The first time we had sex was her first time in years and it was obvious she was out of practice.
The truth is that I'm in love with her. I know it'll be a struggle on times but I really want to be with her. My biggest problem is getting her realize that I won't ever let her down. Her trust issues are by far the biggest hurdle I face.
All advice is appreciated. Thanks.
Hi, >>16714039 here. Thank you, your words meant a lot for me. It's not easy and it will take time, but I'll do my best. If I work hard enough, some day I'll be a sane and stable person.
I can understand it, but I'm honestly disgusted by the behaviour of BPD people. We do a lot of shitty things, and deserve all this hate. As I said, I feel like a monster and I really regret everything I've done. I'm sorry for all of us.
Fuck that shit. Just because there is a name for a disorder doesn't mean anyone has to put up with it. I can't help it though since I have Doesn't Tolerate Bullshit Personality Disorder so can't blame me ~~~
>just can't control myself.
You seem to be under the impression that BPD is a thing unto itself, separate from the individual. It is not. It is merely a name for a particular way in which certain people are terrible to others. Anyone with any experience knows you can sympathize all you want, but do it at a distance, because people with BPD will ruin your life, murder your pets, and maybe even murder you. They are toxic people. Oh, they feel bad about what they do? Good, that is the appropriate way to feel when you hurt people. It doesn't change the fact that they do harm and rarely ever stop doing it.
You still think you can change her into someone who is capable of consistently trusting you. This is not the case. You cannot fix her.
>You cannot fix her.
It's not something you can learn from a Jedi
This guy is right.
I pursued a toxic girl very hard in my late teens because I loved her, wanted to save her and make her smile again. She meant the world to me.
But, things fell apart and it was truly devastating to me. I lost my then best friend (we were friends before bf/gf) and first love at the same time.
Our breakup needed to happen. I needed to quit her. It was a struggle and almost derailed my college career, but I turned out OK.
To repost what I said in another thread, if shes not seeking help it's going to be the same shit some time later.
I dated a borderline girl for a while and she did shit like try to dump me to see if I'd fight to win her back. After the third time when I decided to cut my losses, she got angry and tried to fuck everyone I knew. Lots of other nonsense I don't care to get into as well.
I don't really have anything against people with bipolar or borderline or whatever else, but if they just say it won't happen again without making any meaningful changes it absolutely will happen again. I would only consider dating someone with a cluster B personality disorder if they were meeting a therapist and taking medication.
Oh bloody hell shove it up your ass. It's not a bunch of trolls, its that people with BPD are well known to bring significant amounts of drama into peoples life if not something more severe.
Ignoring the realities of the situation isn't rational, it's the exact opposite.
>My biggest problem is getting her realize that I won't ever let her down. Her trust issues are by far the biggest hurdle I face.
Realistically, that might never completely happen. Can you face a future where the current status quo is as good as it gets?
This isn't a temporary illness. It's possible to live with, but you need to go into it with realistic expectations. She's never going to be cured, you will only be able to manage it together.
Don't reach for a goal that neither of you can ever achieve. You'll only set her up to fail at trusting you, and set yourself up to fail at gaining her trust.
Don't build her up if you're one day going to realise that her best isn't as good as you hoped it would be.
I'm not saying it WON'T get any better than it currently is, but it's a real possibility that you need to be aware of. You can't love this illness away, and you're setting the both of you up for complete destruction if you go into it with that mentality. You are not her doctor.
Remember that 'happiness,' 'trust,' whatever you like, is not an end goal. It's a temporary state that will come and go - and that's what life is for everyone, not just those with particular challenges.
I'm a girl with BPD, but my doctors are also in the process of diagnosing me with bipolar, so I'm not sure how useful I can be.
I'm happy to answer any questions though, ask away.
Another girl here diagnosed with BPD. I was iffy about the diagnosis at first and no one that knows me agrees with it either. I do believe I really have it though, minus the abandonment issues and being argumentative. I've been with my bf for nearly a year and it's good. We haven't had a real argument ever (yelling, hitting, crying... etc.) but he's the one that gets emotional at times and there has been some disagreements but the last of that seems months ago. I was also suspected of AsPD too; I am most likely co-morbid with the too. My bfs good friend had a BPD girlfriend and it was messy, she was very insecure and argumentative, alcoholic and "crazy". He gave her a lot of chances but he finally broke it off after all the fights. Before I knew what borderline was, this friend described it to me as " thinking something is wrong when things are going right". I suggest you break up with her and therapy works well with BPD sufferers so she should get on that.
Nope, fuck these people coming out of the woodwork with fake bpd.
Bipolar disorder effects a small segment of the population, it was MASSIVELY over diagnosed in the 80s and 90s, giving borderline or hystrionic women license to act like cunts without taking responsibility for their actions.
I have dated a bipolar woman, highs and lows fluctuate within minutes at the worst, days at best. If you can't get over being treated poorly, abandon ship op.
Wish someone had given me this advice a decade ago in college and that I'd have been smart enough to take it. They'll break your heart.
My ex has bpd. Lasted a year and bit more with her. It wasn't the sex or anything like that that made it great. It was who she was past the bpd. Her actual interest and goals in life and her view on the world. She wasn't crazy. But she gave up on everything really fast. If she couldn't print her work she would give up and be frustrated and just not accept the help she was provided. She had a rough time to understand and never stepped down in an argument. She was dysfunctional now that I think about it and I was more hurt during the relationship than she ever was. But I love her. I still do and it hurts that I can't even see her anymore. I suffer from anxiety attacks a few times a day because she was all I got and I was happy with it despite all the bad times.
OP here again.... was expecting this thread to 404 over night.
Thanks for that, you're absolutely right. I'll never love the condition away and trust will fluctuate I guess. Managing it together was the term that hit home.