I am going to vent, so this will be long. Any thoughtful or helpful comments are welcome.
Or maybe I will just greentext this.
>be me, 30 F living in East Germany with German boyfriend for the past two years
>find out we are having a baby, we're excited, happy, nervous, etc
>decide to tell his family at his birthday dinner last night
>they react like something terrible has happened (he is 28 and an engineer, I am 30 and an ESL teacher) like we are pregnant teenagers
>His sister, who is the same age as I am and has two children and is still not married to her 'man' accusses me of getting knocked up on purpose to trap her brother
>she goes on and on about how I got the jackpot now because he is an engineer (we have been dating for two years and already planned on marrying and having kids.)
>mfw I am good looking, smart, and nice, and I don't need to trap a man with a kid but she probably did it to try to get her bf to marry her and he still didn't do it
>say we want to get married asap and we want their input on planning the wedding (we are still happy, trying not to let them ruin it)
>they start fighting about the logistics of marrying a foriegner in Germany
>I start sobbing
>They look at me and ask "why are you so sad?"
>My bf looks like he wants to slap his sister and his mother
>He goes outside to call his father (who was sick and couldn't make it) to tell him our good news
>His dad is absolutely emotionless and says now you have to get married
>My bf comes back
>His sister starts up again with her rude-ass comments
>I start crying again
>now the family is worried about me becoming a mother because of my "psychological problems"
>mfw I am crying because they fucking ruined our only chance ever to announce our baby and marriage to them
>bf and I leave and we are both pissed, disappointed, etc. My bf even sheds a few tears.
What the fuck is wrong with East Germans? Why do some people have to shit on everything?
>What the fuck is wrong with East Germans? Why do some people have to shit on everything?
I don't know if it's Germans, or just this family. If I had to guess, I'd just say that his family is fucking terrible and they're "stuck" with each other. This is their way of taking out their shit lives on you two, because you actually want to be together.
Start distancing yourselves from them, because they'll ruin the birthing, your wedding, etc.
Thank you! I guess all that matters is that we are happy about it. They can think what they want.
Germans tend to be kind of socially retarded. I try to accept it, but I still have a hard time with the regular rude comments and unhelpful "advice" (criticism) that I get all the time from friends, family, and strangers. The pregnancy hormones are making it impossible to deal with.
I don't think we can push them away though. My family is all in the US, and we will need family support. His mom texted and kind of apologized and explained that she was shocked, and she is happy for us etc. I still think his sister was a giant bitch about it, and I am having a really hard time forgiving her or trying to understand it. Honestly, I think she is taking her frustration about her boyfriend never marrying her out on me. And I have been there and done that, so I can understand. But she doesn't have to constantly remind me that she doesn't think I am good enough for her brother. I got it.
Elope. Ignore the fan as much as you can. Eventually they will complain as to why they're being left out. Your husband has to be the one to let them know they've been assholes, exactly how, and that they need to apologize.
That's how I feel too, but I think I should just try to be the bigger person for my fiance and my baby's sake. Family is precious, even if they are sometimes assholes. I did, however, ask my fiance to tell his sister that her reaction and comments are hurtful and disappointing. He said he wants to talk to her too next time they are alone. I don't think it is for me to confront her, but honestly, if she says something again I am just going to straight up tell her that I have listened to her rude comments and been polite for two years now, and enough is enough. She can get over it. He gets to choose his wife, not her.
Oh yeah, and I quit one of my jobs today because I found out that my pay was grossly less than other coworkers with less experience and qualifications because they are prettier or they have penises. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK Germany. Serously, some days I just want to flip the whole country off.
How is being a doormat for his stupid fucking family being understanding? Do yourself a favor and grow a pair, stand up for yourself for your own sake and for that of your new family. Seriously, if this is how you describe it and your man isn't on board with you not taking this shit form his dumb fuck family, then you have an issue with him too. This kind of stupid shit will ONLY get worse once the baby is around
Literally, I walked into my classroom sobbing (hormones). My students asked what was wrong and I told them about the unfair pay situation. They all felt horrible for me and asked me to stay (aaaaaawwwww). But I probably will not. I told my boss that she can schedule all my further courses with one of their higher paid teachers, who I am sure would be happier to do it, and that I wouldn't accept any more courses unless they give me a clear explaination for my compensation and a fair offer.
This is at a big, famous, university by the way. They can fucking afford to pay me more than a fast food worker. Christ.
Wieso reden sie darüber wie kompliziert es is einen ausländer zu heiraten?
Ich dachte ihr seid beide deutsche? Vielleicht liegt dort das problem. Wahrscheinlich sind sie rassistisch und denken das er nicht eine ausländerin heiraten soll. Ich würde sagen du kannst auf ihre engstirnige meinung scheissen. Geniesse deine Schwangerschaft. Lass sie dir nicht von solchen leuten vermiesen.
Veilen Dank. Ich habe keine Ahnung warum es war so schlecht gegangen. Sie sind kein rassisten, aber wir wohnen in Dresden und die Familie kommt aus Sebnitz. Der Vater ist doch Czechisch. I kann es nich verstehen. Und entschuldige bitte mein schechtes Deutsch. Ich habe kein geld oder zeit fur ein Deutsch kurse.
Well, then let's go back to english.
So, HIS dad is czech? And where are you from originally? Yeah, maybe they think you're just not compatible because you don't have the same racial background. Most "older" people think you can only marry somebody with exactly the same background. Simply because they don't know anything else.
Yeah, his dad is Czech. I am American and white. His grandma actually said how happy she is that I am white. 'eyeroll'
But his family is usually at least a little nicer. They have supported us a lot financially while we were trying to get on our feet. I did have some issues with depression this year, because I hadn't been home in almost two years and Germany is not an easy culture for someone from a "warm" culture to live in. But I feel like they unfairly use it against me because Germans still have a huge stigma about mental issues.
Just ignore the family. Your partner shouldn't be happy with them either. Are you and your partner close? You are going to have to do a lot of things for yourself (which I'm sure you already know), but can you lean on your family for support? Will they come to a wedding? Will they come visit for the birth?
The response of his family isn't "german", it's batshit insane.
>american who has lived in germany for five years here.
Yeah, I think it was a little insane too.
Yeah, I am close with my fiance, and he is really supportive and loving. I actually just messaged his sister to tell her how hurtful her comments were and to please just stop insinuating that I am "trapping" her brother.
My family will surely come for the wedding and the birth. That will be wonderful, and we can look forward to it. At least my family is over the moon for us, and we haven't told everyone yet, so it should cheer us up to hear the rest of the reactions.
And we will probably be moving to Holland soon anyway, so his family can just keep to themselves if they can't be nice.
Because they aren't racist. I don't know what the problem was. I think maybe because my fiance is the baby of the family, and he is the "irresponsible" one. (he isn't really, he just made a decision to change his career later than most Germans do, and he was a young guy living how young guys do)
Ah. There you have it. She's really a closet racist.
However, keep in mind that your hormones are crazy right now. I was very sensible when pregnant. Take your strong emotions with a grain of salt. Especially after fighting off depression. But what they said was rude, no argueing over that. I feel like your bf should have stand up and tell his family to cut it out and be happy you two are happy. I know the feel. When i announced the baby to my grandparents my grandpa silently left the room. When i went to say good bye later he only uttered "heads up". Yeah, thanks? I was happy.
Just make this about the two of you. Don't bother with them. Devote your energy to getting cute stuff for the baby, going to pregnancy yoga, massaging your belly, let your man tell stories to you belly, eat well, exercise, get plenty of sleep. Don't let the negativity ruin any moment. This time is so unique and precious!
If you have enough from the baby stuff, plan your wedding. I mean, how excited can you be??!! A wedding and a baby! Whoa girl! Indulge in the feels. This is a one-time opportunity and you don't want to miss a single of those cheesy things.
I think there may be a partly cultural explanation, although of course no behavior ever is just 'the norm'. As you say, in a "cold" culture people may react differently - most importantly, they probably won't be able to act overtly excited (unless they actually are totally excited) and only few people will give you the same feedback I'd expect from Americans ('Awesome!').
You could have used your chance, though, to just tell his sister off. I mean, just stand your ground and tell someone if they're stepping on your toes and being a dick. Supposedly Germans are honest.
In your garden of friends and family you seem to have a few nasty weeds.
Anyone with a garden knows that you simply pluck out the weeds and feed and nurture the plants you want in there.
Get plucking, but don't forget to feed and nurture.
East Germans are racist in general because of history.
They were under the influence of the Soviet Union, so the east part of Germany stayed poorer and less progressive. It takes a few generations more until the east will be up to date with the rest of Germany.
OP, don't mind what his family said about the good news. Not every marriage or couple has the full support of both families.
You and your boyfriend need to focus on yourselves for now, because this is all that matters now
It's not just East Germans, it's just people in general. Some people simply don't enjoy seeing other people successful and happy. Fuck 'em. If they want to go on a tangent about how horrible and shitty your life is going to be then don't get them involved. Be happy that you're bringing a new life into this beautiful and chaotic world. Indulge in each other, and fuck what the family members say. You don't get their approval? Do you love him? Does he love you? Then who cares what they say. Live your life and be happy.
This op anon is COMPLETELY right. When the baby comes you will need hardcore support. Stay the fuck away from his sister. As for you two spend as much time as you can with your baby once it gets here. He/she will remind you not to take crap from assholes like that. Just wait till they start criticizing every little shit you decide with your kid. Its hell on earth I can confirm, my husbands mom isnt really allowed to see our son anymore.
Congratulations for the baby and the wedding OP
I dont think thats a German thing but his family sounds a little bit crappy specially the sister. But ignore the bitch, she was probably projecting her frustration cause after two babies her boyfriend is not marrying her lol with your inlaws its different, they may not react good now but wait until you have the baby amd everyone start talking about its cuteness. In situations like this, ironically, the baby tends to look like one of the grandparents.
(My paternal grandmom hated my mom and didnt participate of the wedding or when I was born; then a friend of hers saw me and I looked like her so when she got the news she called my parents crying to see me and got me shit ton of cool presents)