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i just dont know. i dont get what im supposed...
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i just dont know. i dont get what im supposed to do with this life. i can spend every waking second working and doing whatever im told by people and thats fine but as a man im expected to both just do as your told soldier and at the same time be the leader and tell people what to do but i have no interest in leading but i dont want to just be the doormat. like there is no half and half no middle ground to me. its either your doing something or you arent. yet ive had experiences of mediocrity and middle grounds all the time which always leaves me unfulfilled. i try to think of doing something with my time here on this rock and yet it all seems futile. if im not the best at something why bother yet becoming the best at anything will take alot more time than just becoming better than average at it. but better than average isnt great. nobody gives a shit if your slightly better guitarist or gamer or what the hell ever. so why bother with anything? i dont see a point in goals long term or short. short term goals are just like good job son you did some small fucking useless thing that should have been done a long time ago
i could be described as a late bloomer to a pathetic level and it gets to a point where its just like its pathetic that you haven't done this already even when you cant even be in control of it entirely. i still dont have a drivers licence at almost 24 years old in 'murica which is obviously sad because EVERYFUCKINGBODY drove their daddys car at 15 and had years of driving to and fro the mall or whatever the fucking normal half rich kids did. yet i never had that. single guardian household so the one car was it, fuck that up and your whole family is donezo. so even now with my job which is almost stable, shit with shit pay but its mindless constant labor and no actual bills because loser living with parent im still scared to fuck things up.
damn bit of a wall there. my b. ill separate this one out better hopefully.

ive almost entirely given up on normal prospects of dating and life because of how twisted my worldview is.
the old tropes of internet atheist, basically misogynistic, conspiracy theoristish type.
like the worlds out to get you but your also to small to give a shit about.
like i find the idea behind insurance to just be purely a scam, but i also get why its a thing and legally forced and binding.
its like you could have money saved for cushioning for any event and oh crashed your car, right heres a few grand to fix your shit done and done, or you could ask someone to take money from you all the time and ask if they might give it back yet they reserve to right to say no you dont get it back oh and were increasing the amount you pay us because you fucked (or got fucked) up.
i get it but i dont want to.
but i need to have a car. not just to work at further places and get around and get shit. but because thats the only acceptable thing.
if i bike everwhere (as i do now) im just some hippie or one of them hardcore cycle to workout kinda people (which im neither, its just cheap as fuck even with a motor and shit)
but thats how id be seen. as just some dude who never grew up. or never got his life together (which to be introspective of it yes i havent im fully aware that im as you would say a man child in that regard)
yet because i havent been challenged into becoming a "man" i have no actual reason to step out of the safety of a bill-less relaxed home-life.
but my body my mind hormones and social pressure drive me to want sex and companionship but the brain above primal instinctual urges to procreate just to do so tell me its really a dumb fucking idea.

specially at this time in my life where i still dont know who i am nor what i want or need, specially from a potential partner.

i dont have any future goals or prospects because why? the worlds not gonna give a shit. im not gonna give a shit. and living any life is going to leave me unfufilled because i am deep down a greedy fuck.

and i know everyone else is too. which is why i dont give to shit like aspca and shit like that even tho i wouldnt want to hurt an animal or see one hurt but i know most of that donation just goes to padding some assholes pockets.

so i just kinda continue doing the same exact things every day. the specifics might change but its all the same.

i dont have hobbys, i just play games cause its easy to do and the moneys already been put in so i dont need to spend 2-5 grand more just to get going with something else.

i want to be more social but at the same time i know im just one of the worst people to be around.

bad breath, terrible half lisp cause by partial dentures, lack of social skills from being outcasted since 4th grade. i didnt take good care of myself growing up and ive paid back against some of that to try to fix it but its not enough.

i cant just change every single thing about me to fix me. cause then im not me im just whats wanted.

i dont really know what i keep going on for. not in a sad depressed life sucks teenage angst kindof way just in a what the point kind of way.

im not even fucking good at games even tho its the only thing ive ever done. but when pressed for a "hobby" thats the only thing i can even say so people just assume that if thats all you do than you must be good at them and yet im not.
ive been lied to enough by everyone or betrayed in a harsh enough way that i just cant trust people any more.

i dont have a close friend no best friends and i havent been invited to do anything in months when i know people who could almost be friends have done shit and it wouldnt have taken much time to get me to come with them pick me up shit like that.

i just know im not the type to be around people. but every fiber of my being is telling me thats what i want.

except that little nudge in the back of my head reminding me that im not supposed to be with them. i dont quite fit in.

ive never given a shit about anything that i could not just drop tomorrow and be fine. so i cant confide with people of similar interests because i dont have any.

i just sort of exist. and i just dont know how to care. its always said that you just sortof find your interest yet i continue to fail to find it.

i want to believe theres good in people and im to emotionally controllable to deal with most things but then i remember all the fucking fucked up shit that happens to everyone and how the only way to win in life is to fucking step on people piss on them feed parts to your dogs and bury them when your done.

and i just want no god damn part in any of it. i know im greedy and i could be called lazy but i try to be a good worker but at the end of the day i know im just a number with a bunch of other numbers in a faceless billion dollar corporation with more money than it knows what to do with.
bending down to people with virtual money in virtual stocks that mean literally nothing.
lifes just so damn futile and fake that i dont really want to deal with it but ive no reason not to keep going on and just be another cog like so many billion before me.

i know im not special no one is. people make themselves special and for what. a name in a book?
a bunch of money to spoil your also greedy kids with for thier lifetime?
why? why bother with any of it? where just an organism on a rock in an infinite amount of room doing nothing but wanking off about our own wanks.
>tldr guess im depressed. how do i find a spark to life?
and before people just say im doing nothing for my life, no.

ive been working out for almost a year 6'4" at 200 pounds flat which was at worst prob 225. alot more toned but still a bit pudgy in the middle but im not working on it professionally or even with a gym.

and only give it less than an hour a day with what most dudes would probibly call fuckall weights. (at best 40 pound barbells, 80 for barbell presses. no bar)

and im trying to fix the breath problem but since any of them will take some actual time to work if they do at all its hard to really know specially since smelling your own breath can be difficult at times.

and ive got a vague interest in a variety of things but again its not enough to warrant commitment, as if it doesnt pan out its just a waste of that only thing thing that matters to anyone really, money.

i even tried talking to a girl once. even got a number after the first real conversation. kinda went downhill but didnt end with alot of negativity just with a whole lot of nothing happened.

so its just kinda a bummer but you just gotta keep doing that again and again and again and again and i just dont have that kind of desire or social energy or ability.
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bump because some fast movement and i wouldnt mind just about any social interaction
you gotta pursue your hobbies, or find them first, on the side until you can make a career out of them. i figured out i wanna be a musician at the age of 24, and i'm 24 and just got a digital piano. yeah it sucks i didn't realize sooner but i'm not gonna pursue a dead end job until the day i die
cool. thought about a similar prospect. mostly with bass guitar as it is made to sound alot easyer than normal guitar and comes with a more background part of a band but again monetary input initially.
yeah my digital piano choices were get a shit one for $200 or one that will last for at least $500. i ended up finding a used $900 one for $350. that's my advice, go used. i'm sure you could find a nice one on guitar center, as that's where i found my piano. really though, we can't always avoid working shitty jobs to start but we can pursue our passions on the side. we need to to get out of this slave wage society, otherwise we absolutely deserve those shitty 9-5 jobs for selling ourselves short. just don't give up because it will take time. i hope to learn guitar too someday, and i imagine you will too after you get bass down if you do pick that up first
but why do we deserve better than shit 9-5s? (actually i work overnight so i cant even eat decent food in a house with people sleeping 10 feet from the kitchen) also piano i hear can give a good base to learn guitar as with learning notes and stuff. good luck to you. also no idea where a guitar center is near me prob just amazon something regardless but anyway. it'd be great if i could find a passion but nothing striking the match
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nother bump
you just gotta try different things is all. i tried writing, and could tell that wasn't for me. i do enjoy writing lyrics though. i tried graphic design, and that isn't meaningful to me but i decided when i'm bored i'll do it. you just gotta find what makes you happy before searching for something productive or something that you think you might be able to start to enjoy. and by that i dont mean pick up an instrument and say fuck it cause you don't know how to play. but, like how i know how to write well. i tried writing, and just did not enjoy it. when i tried writing, i sat down, got a couple sentences in and i've tried so many hobbies by this point i knew i could say fuck it, this isn't for me. i'll stick to writing songs. and guitarcenter dot com is where i found my piano. i had it shipped to me. and thanks for that, it's nice to know learning piano is a good base. and we deserve better than these jobs because we aren't going to be like those billions of cogs who give up on their dreams and say life's too tiring with my 9-5 job, i'll just get home and solely watch tv or movies or exercise too but not pursue something that interests me and make a career out of. we have infinite worth, it's only a matter of how short we're willing to sell ourselves. because i know that wholeheartedly, i won't sell myself short at all. i do know it will take years to get good at piano but that's the price in this life, things take time
flobots-handlebars is a good example of what your saying. always liked it. and sure anyone is capable of anything and all it takes is time and persistence but its for what purpose. i cant get past the futility part.

not to mention no matter what i do i wont be socially accepted by people. maybe a few people will like me but most wont. and arrogance is just not my thing. ive never found myself truly proud of anything cause its all so half ass. someones done better someone always will do better. and they have already done it.
i haven't heard that song in years but i liked it too. and the purpose is to make yourself happy. i'm not out here to make music to be happy with my life. it's just the best thing to do. expressing myself is fulfilling but it's not what i need to be happy. i'm not one who's going to be happy from hobbies in this world, or a career. it's just who i am. but i will be able to be happy and find that absolute form of fulfillment by spending my time with someone who means the world to me, and it won't matter what i'm doing. i believe when everyone grows up, they'll realize relationships are the most important thing in the world. we all are different too though.no one's meant to be friends with everyone, so it's okay if some don't think you're socially acceptable. the only ones who matter are those who accept you for who you are. i'm only shooting for a few great friends, and i'll be fine with just that. just be yourself and that's all you need. not arrogance, even if arrogance would help you meet the wrong people faster. being yourself is the only way you'll meet people who appreciate you for you. and with billions out there, there's romantic and platonic relationships for absolutely everyone, including you. in the end, you have to figure out what means what to you, and enjoy things and pursue them for what they are worth.
but im just back to the same old question of who am i. like i have some driving urge of teenage angst that i didnt get out back then to just be the damn near opposite of what people expect of me. while also doing exactly that. people change i know i have but then im conflicting with myself day after day. like with women and relationships. i want one. i want to feel normal. but i know im not the best material out there. going back the the pride thing, im scum and dirt. i dont have a six pack my breaths worse than ass im missing 1 3rd of my teeth another 3rd is plastic and the other 3rd is filled with silver and cement. but yet theres people out there with less than that so they must have something less tangible, personality. likes and dislikes, desires goals aspirations hobbies. im obviously physically fine without a partner. i could spend every day without one. but i could also be with them all the time. but yet thats not how it works. happy mediums just arent my things. goodbyes arent my things but i know ill have to say them someday so id rather have to say the least of them i can. anyway a bit off track for me.
i didn't live the outgoing life in my youth, and i'll think about it from time to time but we gotta let the past go. and it's hard to figure out who we are because it takes a lot of time to connect with ourselves. if you're still going back and forth on stuff, take some time every day to sit and do nothing other than think about it at a slow pace or purely emotionally. you and i don't need a 6 pack or better breath to be with someone, but if we want that for ourselves then we should exercise more, brush/floss/mouthwash/use gum more. we just have to take care of ourselves for ourselves and then that will end up fixing all that's necessary for finding the right person. it's all about developing habits that are fulfilling and setting down those that arent in that area. doing something to make oneself presentable in public is possible, but it's healthier to do something for oneself. but i doubt you'd judge someone with bad teeth or who wasn't very fit. i wouldn't. but if you would, it's just one of those habits to practice, non-judgment. we all want someone who wouldn't judge us, and we shouldn't be okay with judging others. we won't die without a SO but if it makes us happier, we definitely should go for it. with so many people out there, it really is a matter of taking the good with the bad. you will meet a lot of wrongs but thankfully there are rights out there even if it's near needle in a haystack situation. if something's worth your time, it's worth your time to obtain too. even if it means goodbyes anon, you have to live through them. sadness, emotional pain, etc. it makes us a better and stronger person in the end and by the time we meet the right people. there's struggles we must endure but none of them make us worse off or even neutral, we always come out better and stronger and eventually healthier. that's what helps keep me going when i'm down, in addition to knowing that not giving up guarantees i'll reach my goals
i've gotta get some sleep as it's getting really late. i wish you luck anon, take care
ofc we dont need those things but without them life is just that much harder. i got special mouthwash and even nasal spray type of thing to try to fix it. tonsils i dont think are helping either but regardless. im just not in a full life position to be with someone. dont even have my own room havent since i was 13. but thats what i have to sacrifice to live without bills to save money for i dont even know what. everyone judges. its how we know what we want and dont want. and i dont have a style i wish i did but nothing quite fits my lack of personality so i just do whatever. used to be like duck dynasty full neckbeard type thing now its like goatee but all of it tends to look like shit or doesnt fit me at all.
bump for more than 1 person
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Everyone judges. Make no mistake about that. Life has no purpose because it ends, and everyone who ever lived is forgotten and decomposed into atomic particles. As for love, here's a quote that sums up my feelings about love; "Love is just nature's way of tricking us into reproducing."

Hi Flowey! Nice to see you once again for the 100th time this week. Please quit appearing on my screen or else I'll puke.
yet at the same token i doubt love is what brings bugs and shit to mate. just a real instinctual desire to make ones self keep going. even if its not really you but just some of you

is flowey your nickname for yes man or something? or some trip?
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wallpaper bump
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