>Not by an stretch of the imagination a good person
>Was officially diagnosed by my psychiatrist as a sociopath a while back (not trying to be an edgelord, promise)
>Despite this I still managed to end up with a girl
>Been together 2 years now
>She can't speak, was in an accident, vocal cords were fucked up severaly when she was a kid
>Somehow despite me being a sociopath, and her not being able to speak we have made things work really well
I think I love her? I'm not sure, I honestly don't feel much of anything for anyone, but I do for her, just don't really understand what it is. Anyways, I don't know what to do. We just had our two year anniversary, everything is going smoothly.
Thing is I feel like she is dooming herself by choosing to be with me, because she knows my mental health condition. On top of that, I'm like a passionless fucking hole. For as long as I can remember, I've pretty much been indifferent to literally everything. I'm currently working towards a major in college, but it doesn't mean much to me. I was homeless for a while, and I could honestly live like that the rest of my life, it doesn't make a difference to me one way or another. Despite that, I still understand that I have obligations to see to and whatnot.
I just want her to have a better life than being with me. I'm by no means a psycho, or wish harm upon anyone, and I've ALWAYS gone out of my way to do right by her, but I could just fucking leave and drop everything one day without a second thought if the mood really struck me. Should I stick it out with her, or end things?
I don't feel a moral pull per se, But through lots of therapy, I've learned enough to know how people should be treated.
I certainly wouldn't feel bad for doing something I shouldn't but that doesn't mean I don't know that I shouldn't in the first place. I'm not an unthinking savage.
Sorry OP but you do sound a little edgy.
Anyhow, it does not sound like you want to change, I think you are being too complacent in accepting the 'emotionless sociopath' label.
It sounds like you do care for her and you have something going on in your life, so try to find some meaning in it. Lack of motivation (or passion, in general) can come from chemical imbalance, so try to have a better diet and start some exercise.
On top of that, try to do varied things that you don't usually do, and bring her along. Try to find things that you are really happy to do, that makes you feel some kind of emotion you want to keep, and share those moments with her.
Yes, sort of generic advice for depression but there is a reason behind it. If you feel you lack passion in your life you got to make something happen in order to find it.
And I don't think you should break up with her. Probably you both need each others company (even if you don't realize it much), and IF you can make it so you have a positive effect on each others life, I see no reason to break up.
If you think neither of you will do much to change and stick to each other for convenience rather than anything else, then do break up. That kind of relationship will only manage to hold you both back.
Also I'm curious OP, tell a little behind the story on how you got homeless.
Hey, me too, OP.
I'm also a diagnosed sociopath.
I have also have a girlfriend and we also work pretty well together.
And occasionally, I worry about the same thing. That she might be happier with someone more emotionally involved. Or that my apathy toward everything is a bad life for her.
I would argue, though, that it takes two people for a relationship to exist. If she's with you, she's probably getting something out of it.
>Sorry OP but you do sound a little edgy.
Not my intention, its pretty much impossible to explain how I feel, or the lack of how I feel without coming off that way, which is why I never bother talking about it.
Back on track though. We've been good for each other so far I guess. I don't really have any friends aside from her, because before I met her, I had a tendency to isolate myself to the extreme. So in that regard, its been a huge benefit because I get to meet new people this way, because she forces me to, even if she can't speak. My family doesn't approve because to them sociopath=psychopath, they don't distinguish between the two, and think I'm going to cut her heart out and eat it.
I don't believe I'm depressed, but its not impossible for someone like me to be depressed, in fact its highly probable that most sociopaths are in some way. But I certainly don't feel that way myself, I pretty much never feel melancholy/sad about anything really. Even when I was homeless, I was still my regular baseline, so not much phases me. And I don't isolate because I'm scared of interaction, Its mostly just a habit, because of a lack of desire.
I became homeless because I moved after working for a while. Just wanted to mix shit up a bit. Had a place lined up when I got to the new city, but things fell through last second. Ended up on the streets for a month, nothing overly entertaining, sorry.
I'm zoning out hard, so this may read like a dyslexic distracted third grader wrote it.
Have you considered that your stability might be part of the reason why she likes you? I can imagine lack of vocal chords makes it annoying to deal with your partner's crybaby moments and moodswings. You probably do not have many arguments or disagreements, which must be really tranquil for her.
source: I have a hearing disability and love my partner's inability to get emotional and start arguing. I can't keep up with arguments because of the hearing, so it's nice not to have them at all.
In fact, I imagine the total indifference to her handicap is wonderful to her. You are the person who might make her feel normal.
>You probably do not have many arguments or disagreements
None at all actually. We had one once, and it was weird, because she replied by scribbling shit on a pad. But that was the only time ever.
But no, I had not actually considered that yet.
Then it does sound like you are being good for each other, so try to put more effort into it. Try to appreciate those things and to do things like that to her too. Having a companion makes it much easier to do a lot of things.
Also, I don't refer to depression and sadness, but rather as lack of will. Lacking emotion towards what you are doing and leading life on automatic, not really giving much of a shit towards anything is depression to me. Not being scared of interaction but rather avoiding it for lack of will is exactly the kind on depression I'm referring to and the kind of thing you should change, in my opinion.
And I'm still curious about the living on the street thing. You had money to eat or had to beg? Made friends who were also on the street? Been assaulted or people just left you alone?
>And I'm still curious about the living on the street thing. You had money to eat or had to beg? Made friends who were also on the street? Been assaulted or people just left you alone?
Yeah, I had money to eat and shit, just enough cash really. Never had to beg. I mostly stuck to myself, and nobody tried to assault me. Most people seem to naturally go out of their way to avoid me, even though I'm not particularly large (I'm 5'9'', 170 lbs) or menacing in appearance.
I used the month to get back in shape basically while I was looking for a temp place to live. I ran so much, it was insane. Would stash my shit, then go run, just because I could. I had a smartphone so I basically spent the majority of my days near wifi looking at couch surfing sites, or small apartments up for rent.
I honestly could have gotten myself out of the situation much faster, but I was sort of enjoying it. I don't live in a cold environment, so that wasn't an issue. And I'm perfectly comfortable on the ground. Was one of the few enjoyable moments of my life that I can recall. I didn't make any friends because of what I said above, even the other homeless people just kept their distance.
I snuck into this condo complex that had a pool, and an outdoor shower, and used the shower to shave and cleanup every day. I've been set since though. I own my own place now, great location, nice neighborhood, decent size.
Car is still a piece of shit, but I couldn't care less about my car.
if you want to talk to your gf about this, don't tell her what you told us. You've made a couple statements that amount to assuming what she thinks/feels, then using those assumptions to make her life decisions for her. It's extremely belittling to be on the receiving side of that.
The safe way to talk to her about it is just to ask her a bunch of questions; what she thinks, what she feels.
yeah, once I got on my feet after that month, I made some really smart financial decisions to put it lightly. I was also working non stop since I was like 15. I mean its not like I'm rich, its just like a 1600 sqft townhouse, nothing fancy.
I'm not a millionaire or anything. I'm going to a community college, until I can transfer to the nearby uni. Going for health administration.
Some kind of financial investment that boomed way more than expected I'm guessing?
Also, do you still work now that you are studying or are you living off saved money?
Health administration sounds really specific to me, not like it is necessarily a bad thing. How do you like it?
I enjoy it. Pretty much all my family members work in some form of health care, and there are some extra opportunities that would be available to me by going this route because of them.
>Some kind of financial investment that boomed way more than expected I'm guessing?
Exactly. And I am still working full time while going to college.
>If you have feelings at all, you're not a sociopath.
Incorrect. And I didn't say I FEEL a moral obligation, I just know there is one.
Therapy does in fact work. At least for me.
>I imagine the total indifference to her handicap is wonderful to her. You are the person who might make her feel normal.
This, this, and this. I think you're too worried to let yourself be happy, OP. You should accept that this girl is happy with you and you are happy with her.
I don't have too much else to say. Other anons have kinda nailed it. Good luck man!