I feel that the people around me just tolerate me because they work with me and just act nice in hopes that I'll leave them alone. I pretend to be smart because I hate how stupid I really am.I always try to do things in the most unconventional ways so I've an excuse if I fail at it(which I usually do). I'm a pathological liar and can't stop even though I hate myself for it and try not to lie all the time. I see no point in living past 30 as I can't really see myself in a situation where I'm not struggling. I give up on trying to accomplish anything after I've failed only a few times yet can't stop myself from continually making attempts without actually trying and getting more and more angry with myself .
I'm outwardly and openly cynical because I am constantly mistreated by family and peers. I'm demonized for not taking any of their shit. My parents shortcomings(in regards to their other kids) as parents are all blamed on me. I'm vilified for choosing to pursue a moderate job that will allow me to indulge in my hobbies in my free time as my own pursuit of happiness. And I'm utterly depressed when dealing with my family members.
I am convinced that anything I do or dream of is destined to fail - from experience, this is true, I have very little successes.
I am now 30 and I live a man-child's life, full of regrets and bitterness. My friends are having careers and/or families, but I stick to gaming and living as a recluse. I can,t see myself living any other way. It does not make me feel 'happy' or 'proud', just 'comfortable'.
I am also very afraid of not having a love life, or worse, get stuck with a woman I will not like.
One little thing can turn friends into enemies (although vice versa can occur). Some people hate me for simple social mistakes I made. I'm anxious and I wish I can make my emotions disappear. I hate being human.
I think I would seriously contemplate suicide if I can't get a job after college. My dream ever since I was a kid has always been financial stability and I'm tentatively majoring in Computer Science because people tell me that's a good way to get a job but other people also tell me that's not a good option. Generally I've been incredibly lucky overall in life but if I can't make something happen my life has essentially no meaning.
I haven't made any friends in college. I've done all the usual stuff, went to orientation, went to clubs, started conversations with people in classes, all that. I just have to accept that people don't want to be friends with a disgustingly ugly cretin with no social skills and a dull personality. Whenever I see people laughing or talking together or even just enjoying each others' company I become genuinely frustrated.
When I was younger my dad used to cut my finger and toe nails, shave me, trim my pubic hair, and pop pimples all over my body. I still have a terrible acne problem, but when I was younger he used to pop them to the point where I would be screaming/crying and begging him to stop, but he would keep going. If I ever denied him, he would become incredibly angry with me and I think it might've escalated to physical violence if I didn't let him have his way with me. I also think it caused me to develop a crippling fear of having my genitals destroyed. My mom and brother knew about it but were basically powerless to stop him since we all lived in fear of him. I don't have nightmares often, but I've had more than a few where my genitals fall off/are destroyed.
>>16688093 >My mom and brother knew about it but were basically powerless to stop him since we all lived in fear of him. I don't have nightmares often, but I've had more than a few where my genitals fall off/are destroyed.
lad are you me? I would scream at my father to stop hitting me and begging him to stop, but the rest of my family members would ignore it.
It was heavy punishment for the most irrelevant mistakes.
I have yet to move on, and I am actually choking back tears as I recount my experiences, but everything is going to be okay.
Even if you can't immediately get a job in your career field does not mean life is over.
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