GF is having lots of issues, friends, college, family. She's stressed.
Something happened today, not related to me, I haven't done aything yet. She said this from nothing: "Look I don't feel good, I don't want to screw things with you, we'll talk later".
I want to help, but I don't know if this is a good or bad sign. Any advice?
sometimes you just need space from your SO. She's smart enough to know when she needs it, since she's stressed with other shit in her life and doesn't want to take her frustrations out on you.
I'd keep your distance for a bit, and when she seems ready, make a little display of "being there for her"; even if that's just cooking dinner + wine + backrub (or whatever her deal is)
Yes, i'm doing that, just told her to not worry, that it's ok and that i'm not mad about it.
It's the first time she does that though, she used to release her stress with the people that were close to her. That lead to discussions and bad stuff.
Thank you. I'll see if this gets better, I want what's best for her desu
text her like
"hey bae I jus wnta u 2 know that I'll b dere 4 u bae if u need me. bt Ill give you sum spees hun jus call me watevs bb luv u xxooxx>3 etc"
It'll do the trick trust me. I'm a proffecional
Just send her a text like "Hey are we still on for tomorrow?" Simple. And if she says no, don't get mad about it, just go do other things and give it time. She'll come to vent when she's ready.
I mean stress in general is a bad sign. I'm sure she's not asking for it but a lot of things in her life are going to suffer if she can't get her shit under control. What she said to you isn't bad though.
I'm used to being like that. Told her that i'm ok with her talking and having friends because i'm not "the jealous type of guy". I think that she's not an object and that she's free, all that kind of stuff.
My friends tell me that being like that isn't OK, that i'm being taken for a fool or stuff like that. Tbh I feel confused and specially bad, I haven't had time with her since 3 weeks, she's just hanging with friends, with her family or busy with stuff.
She's cold, and sometimes I feel like I don't get treated the same way I treat her.
Anyways I understand she wants some space alone or just don't talk to me. But I hope this gets better.
And this is just the beginning...
In 2 weeks she will know if she's going as a volunteer to help a community for 1 year (basically what she have been waiting for 3 years) or stay in college. A big freaking "new" that will change her life, no matter the answer.
I love her, I just don't know if she has time for me anymore, maybe her lifestyle doesn't allow a partner.
Man that's rough. Well, OP, this is stuff you're gonna have to think about down the road. If in the end this just isn't working out for you, you're gonna have to talk to her about it. Not right now, though; she's probably going through a lot of stuff and wouldn't be able to talk rationally about this anyway.
Yeah, this has to wait.
Would it be right if I tell her right now that I support her, and that i'm "here to help" even though she's going trough hard stuff and it's just going to get worse.
That I understand the situation, and that she can say "I need some time alone" whenever she needs it without feeling bad/worrying about me getting mad?
Oh wait! Say "I'm here to listen" instead of help. Because sometimes someone outside the situation can't help anyway, and it wouldn't be right for her to expect you to solve her problems, but you can definitely listen, and that's all she needs from you, if anything.
Yeah I actually said that, it's better because you're right, sometimes I can't help, but I can gladly listen.
Thank you very much! You're very kind, and your advice helped me a lot. I hope things get better for her and for our relationship.
It sucks when the person you love has issues and lots of stress, specially when you can't do anything to help. I'm a little bit scared because things are going to get harder, and I never saw this coming at all. Have a nice day
Does she want to spend time with you?
Does she actually spend time with you?
If yes to first and no to second then she actually doesn't want to spend time with you..
Pretty simple really
>she's going through issues, it is clearly not ok she is worried and she is mad about these issues
>it's ok don't worry I am not the one mad about it
Like, seriously, give the girl space. In the meantime you may wish to reflect on your own approach.
I already told her that. We're used to talk daily, it's normal for us (basicaly "Good morning, have a nice day" and "Good night" stuff) I don't know if I should stop doing that, because she might think i'm mad or something, when I just want to give her more space.
Oh man that sucks.
I'm pretty sure this is not the case, she still talks with her ex because they're together in a dance group for her school but she just keeps her distance from him.
I don't think there's a point in worrying about her cheating on me, if she's doing it, i'll know at some point. She's not the slutty kind of girl.
If OPs girlfriend was cheating on him she shouldn't be stressed at all.
I had a girlfriend who was pretty much stressed all of the time and most of the time they just want someone to listen to them but only when they feel like it.
>If OPs girlfriend was cheating on him she shouldn't be stressed at all.
What makes you say this? Cheaters work very hard to keep their actions a secret, and the fear of being found out compounded with the guilt would never allow them to feel at ease.
Cheaters tend to keep secrecy in their actions so i'm saying it is unlikely she would stop talking to OP without an explanation, because that would only raise suspicions and cheaters try to avoid that.
>still in contact with ex
>in a regular dance group together
>straight up physically interacting with each other regularly
What's wrong with it? I'm not jealous desu, she's a human being, not a dog or a pet that I can control.
She do what she wants, after all she chose to be with me. I trust her lol.
Is that wrong?
Yeah, I knew a few couples that had cheating situations, they always try to make everything "look and feel normal".
I trust her, if in the end she cheats on me I will be OK desu, not my fault, didn't made anything wrong and I never betrayed her
I'm glad that my advice helped.
And yeah, I know what you mean. My ex used to be under a lot of stress, and we had a long-distance relationship, and sometimes I just felt shitty that I couldn't help him as much as I'd like. But he coped with it because all he wanted from me was to be supportive and listen, and he wasn't entirely dependent on me for help--he also went to counseling, had supportive friends near him who could comfort him in their own ways, etc.
So in terms of your gf's stress, hopefully she'll have the support of her friends/family too. Or that she'll find a way to unwind somehow, maybe take up a fun hobby or something. Either way a lot of it is out of your hands; some things she has to figure out for herself.
Hang in there, man. I can't predict what'll happen to you folks in the future, but for now just take it one day at a time.
Yeah, one day at a time.
I'm starting to worry about this.
We agreed to go today to a museum that she likes. She cancelled it and said that she can't because she has a slight injury. She literally said "I can barely walk".
Today I saw her dancing, for 1-2 hours. And after that she went to her friends house, because it was his birthday, walking like a mile.
Yeah... I guess something isn't ok...
Mm. Okay that seems like a bigger problem than just the being busy thing. Idk, man. I think at some point you're gonna have to tell her to just be honest with you. "If you didn't want to go to the museum with me, you should have just said so. I'm a big boy, I can handle it. Please don't feel the need to come up with an excuse." Because the important thing is being able to communicate, more than anything else :/
It feels like shit desu. When I asked her if she wanted to go she said "I really want to go, but this thing wont let me and I want to enjoy it". Yeah, sure.
Why lie, why don't just say the truth. It just makes me feel worse. It seems like she just doesn't care about me.
>"I really want to go, but this thing wont let me and I want to enjoy it"
Lol, I feel bad for you man. My ex was just like this and it always made me feel like garbage. You need to be upfront with her and demand some honesty and communication, or your relationship is fucked (assuming it isn't already).
Yeah I agree with the other anon. I think you might as well confront her now, when she's not yet doing that volunteer thingy that's gonna make her busy. At least right now you still have a chance of being able to talk about this. I know I told you earlier that you should wait on this until she feels better, but not I'm not sure if this situation is ever gonna get better.
LOL no, man, not exactly like that.
Okay, take a deep breath. Maybe you need to step away from the "what to say" part and focus on "do I say" first.
What do you want with this girl? Short term, long term, whatever. Do you think that this upset feeling right now is gonna dissipate in a week, or will it be a continuing source of resentment? How much do you love her right now? Can you put up with this, or has this been the last straw?
I ask this because I'm not you. I don't know what's in your heart/head and idk what this relationship has been like since the beginning up to now. You don't have to answer these to me, but answer it to yourself and see where it takes you.
I'll still be here if you have more questions after that.
I hate lies, I get really dissapointed when someone lies to me in something so important.
I was expecting a long term, mature relationship. And I love her a shit ton.
I just don't know if I can just deal with the fact that she lied to me.
Tomorrow I will talk to her.
This is the first relationship where I "open my heart", really let myself feel what I want to feel. And I guess it will be the last time I do this.
Any other advice? If you can ofc, I know that I've made a lot of questions by now, but you're my only source of help. My friends are guys/girls that just worry about drinking every weekend, and they never had something serious.
Alright, when you go see her (in person, right?), ask how her leg is doing. Gauge her response, give her one last chance to come clean to you. After all, maybe she panicked that day or had a moment of social anxiety or something. One last chance doesn't hurt; if she actually does come clean, maybe the two of you can talk about this and work it out.
If she doesn't come clean or just tries to tell you more lies, then tell her how you've been feeling, how you didn't appreciate that she felt the need to make an excuse to you, especially after you told her that you were perfectly happy to give her space if she needs it. Be honest that it hurt you when she lied and that you don't think you can get past that.
I'm not sure how it will go, although unless she does something really amazing I guess it'll be a breakup conversation, and you'll just have to steel yourself for that likely possibility.
Please, though, don't let this be the last time you open your heart. Sure, it fucking hurts when it doesn't work out, but if you want a lasting relationship that doesn't end in divorce, opening your heart is the only way to get there. Maybe it didn't work out with this girl, but I know there'll be another girl out there who will appreciate the depth of your feelings and reciprocate with her own feelings. And you won't find her if you're bitter.
At least next time you meet a girl, you'll be able to tell her from the start how much honesty means to you. And from these posts, I can tell you're a great boyfriend who just happens to be with the wrong girl at the wrong time. This, plus the fact that you seem to be young, gives you great odds that you'll find someone again.
I wish you luck. If you want, you can post again with more questions or tell us how it went. I don't mind at all; I know what it's like to go through a rough relationship, and boy do I wish I had opened up to someone, back then.
This is tough, but i'll do it tomorrow, in person.
Funny thing, her injury is an abdominal strain, nothing about legs.
What's the answer I should be looking for?
To be honest your advices are very wise, but I don't completely understand what answer should I gauge.
If she says that she's still bad and can't do stuff that means go the tough way or the other way around?
Ohh abdominal strain. Sorry, idk why I assumed legs. I guess it could be plausible that a cramp would go away after a few hours, at which point she can go do stuff, but then I don't know why she wouldn't just message you again to tell you she's feeling better. Maybe she felt awkward about bothering you again once she cancelled? Hmm.
Alright, so I thought about it some more, and here's what I think (feel free to disregard this if you want):
Start off with asking about her wellbeing (because that is honestly a legitimate thing to ask), and whatever she answers, don't worry about whether it's a lie or not, because at this point it's not as important as the rest of what you want to say.
What you really want to say, the crux of the matter, is that you are unsure of where this relationship is going. Tell her that you were looking for a mature, longterm thing, but you don't know if she feels the same way, and be honest with your concerns about her not having time for you. Tell her that all you really want right now is her honesty--if she doesn't want to continue or doesn't want to see you, she should tell you outright, because excuses make you feel worse. If she just genuinely needs time, then tell her that that's okay, but she has to be up front with you. How much time? Should you wait for her? What does she think is the best action to take?
Because honestly, it seems like a lot of this is her problem. I don't know about the abdominal strain thing, maybe that's legit for all I know, but the entire distancing thing and needing more time thing is really all stemming from her own issues, and she needs to be the one to tell you what she wants, because right now you have no idea, and that's what's stressing you out. You can't do this alone; a relationship needs communication, and since the issues are hers, it's her communication that is needed right now. You'll have to initiate the conversation, but she needs to provide some sort of answer.
(cont.) She doesn't have to answer you right away, btw, but she does have to answer you at some point. If she needs time to think, fine. But she needs to answer once she's done thinking; make that clear to her.
Normally I would have told you to wait on this whole conversation, but it's clear that this situation is eating you up, and I think it's one of those things where the longer you wait, the worse you feel, the more you overthink, so you might as well get this over with tomorrow.
After some thinking, I feel like you shouldn't focus the conversation on the lying thing, because that might make her react badly, and that does nothing for either of you. Whether or not she lied, it's not like she'd admit it or anything, so it's a fruitless avenue to take at this point. Just tell her that you need her to be honest w/o outright accusing her of lying; it'll achieve the same result with less anger.
Sorry for the long response; this is a difficult situation, and I will totally get it if you decide to do something else. Advice is, after all, just a suggestion, not a command.
I don't know how she will react.
I'm kinda tired of being the one that starts the conversations, it's always me the one that looks to talk and fix stuff.
She used to be different and more affective, but she changed and I don't know what made her change. Now I'm the only one in the relationship that wants to go out, and I have to remind her that she was going to remind me if she wants/can go to a date or no. If I don't tell her she just don't remember.
She used to give more attention, her mom asked me my guitar amp, and she told me she would give it to me, but she forgot and went to her friends house instead. It seems that now I, and all what's related to me are "in background". Her dance stuff is more important now for example.
Should I keep trying to fix this? She's not willing to change, because, according to her "This is the person I met, and this is the person with I fell in love". For her it's ok to be the way she is, because "It keeps the people I don't like out of my life, and I end up with the peopke I like".
Is there anything good waiting for "us" if I try to talk, considering that she says stuff like "are you done" when I try to talk with her about serious stuff?
I have to be comprehensive, not get mad, not be jealous, be kind, have initiative and all that stuff. And I don't feel like i'm getting the same stuff I give. What I mean, is that it doesn't seems like i'm getting treated in the same way I treat her.
Thank you for the additional info.
I think, deep in your heart, you already know that you can't continue this anymore. It's present in every word you've typed here, and maybe it's just taken you this long to finally gather your thoughts together. Like you said, it probably doesn't help that you don't have anyone IRL to talk about this with, so I'm glad to see you express it here.
In my earlier posts, I've been very cautious not to just immediately say "lel dump that bitch," because I wasn't sure what state your relationship was in, and I wanted to acknowledge that you had the option of salvaging it. But from what you've told me now, I can see that this is a bigger problem than just her being busy or stressed out or even that lie. You've been unhappy for a while now, and as you've said, she doesn't seem interested in doing anything about the relationship. She doesn't even want to acknowledge that she needs to compromise for the relationship--what the fuck can you do with that?
In my experience, no person can directly change another person (unless it's through violence/trauma, I guess, but that doesn't apply here). Change needs to come from inside, and if there's no desire to change inside, then it's just not gonna happen.
It's time to let go, OP. Your mental wellbeing can only take so much, and you are clearly at your limit. At most, you could probably squeeze a month more out of this before you finally snap and break up even more harshly than you'd want, so, you know, you might as well just get it over with today.
Again I wish you luck. I think, once you take a step towards taking care of yourself again, things will go better for you. It'll hurt at first, but within a few months (or sooner) you'll be relieved you did this.
I didn't wanted to break up but it seems like it's the only option now.
Today she got mad, for nothing.
She used to share songs that she liked with me, I did the same thing today, just shared a song with her. And from nothing now she's colder than my balls on winter.
She said "Yeah, whatever, what do you mean with that song?" In the most freaking harsh way, I never did something like that, even when she sent me awkward songs, I respected that.
Thank you for all this, I realized that i'm a dumb dude, always being nice, gentle and giving love to someone that doesn't give a single fuck about me.
How long you've been dating her?
In any case this, and everything you said is making clear that the relationship is dying. Lying to you and being cold? Talk to her about it, either she will try and fix things or just keep not giving a fuck about it which means she's basically telling you it's over.
Also you did nothing wrong, you are not dumb for caring for her even when she was a bitch to you.
I agree with other anon that you did nothing wrong by being gentle with your girlfriend; if she had been a better girlfriend, she would have appreciated it. I also admire you for giving it one last try--at least now when you break up you can honestly say you tried your best. The fault does not lie with you at all.
I'm sorry I went to bed before I could answer your other question. I honestly don't think you are overreacting; I think your responses have been perfectly reasonable thus far, if not even nicer than I'd be in this situation.
No matter what you end up doing, do it for you, okay? Seriously man, take care of yourself.
More than 6 months. I hope this goes well and I end up with a solution to this. I understand that she might be having issues in her life or she's busy, but that doesn't mean that she should stop caring about the relationship and treat me in a very mean way.
She's treating her ex better than me, that hurts, she can forgive him for being a doche, but she gets angry with me when I did nothing.
Have a nice day, thank you, really, for taking the time to read all my stuff and give an advice at the end. You're a good human being, hope your life is going good and that great things happen to you!