When I was young I used to find comfort in people's words and presence. I used to crave connections with people, friendships, hugs.
Now they are meaningless to me. Everyone has an act or an agenda. I didn't have friends as a teenager because we moved a lot, I didn't fit in in the place we settled, I was weird. So I was raised with the anonymity of the internet and disappointed parents, and now everyone in person seems fake. I don't trust people unless they're sharing harsh truths, and no one does that in person. I remember the connectedness I felt when I had friends as a child, I wish i had that but I think even if I did it'd feel meaningless and fake now. Why have "friends" if they're not willing to tell you when you're being a piece of shit?
I can't connect with people beyond the "nice" stage and haven't been able to since I became a teenager. I was a loser as a kid, people were nice to my face but made fun of me when I was gone. And now as an adult, everyone is shallowly polite. It makes me feel pathetic.
I want to die, my life has such little meaning, but I can't do that to my family. How do I cope with this? Is there anything that lessens this pain? I'm in my early 20s and already a bitter old crone.
Opiates, in moderation.
You'll feel great, and will enjoy connecting with other people again.
I was as jaded as you, and around your age. Opiates work wonders, but the key is moderation.
Well, you figured it out. There's no going back. Either someone wants a friend to use them or to vent. Having a relationship is just about seeing the best of yourself in someone else (aside from the few who like a partner who challenges them). Welcome to the shit-hole that is humanity.
Self-fulfilling prophecy: Your low self esteem makes you put a false energy into your 'niceness' with people. People can feel your insincerity, and respond by acting 'fake'. They do not want to show their genuine selves because you appear to be deceptive. This leaves you feeling alone because you did not establish a human connection.
YOU have to come off as honest and sincere. If you are, someone (not everyone) will find value in that. That's what a real connection is, and sonny boy, is it rare. But it's real, and worth the effort.
You start by being honest and sincere with yourself. You are human and you have flaws. You have a past you wish you could change. Honestly, many people wish they could re-do their life.
But you gotta be thankful for what you do have, and do shit that makes you happy. Try to put a real smile on by doing what you enjoy.
Once you're happy, say what you feel. Not everyone is gonna agree, but that's life. Someone might, and that will show you that you're not alone. Repeat.
Thanks for that. I'm now also reading articles online about how to be more sincere. I think this is part of my problem, being vulnerable is terrifying to me.
I used to be much more insincere than I am now. I realized it and spent some time fixing it, which did me a lot of good, but I didn't commit to it fully.
Thank you for pointing this out.
Atta boy. I was being sincere with you, and you were receptive to that. You wrote this post out of sincerity as well. Let that be lesson to you.
Now being open and honest is risky because you can be hurt. But being strong doesn't mean that no one has ever hurt you, it means that you can be hurt and still move forward.
It's not going to be enjoyable all the time, but the rewards far outweigh the difficulty. You got this.
I'm glad you reached this point, Anon. I know it sucks because it feels like the world is garbage, but you've reached a level of awareness most don't reach.
The next step though is to accept the fundamental truth:
All human beings are self interested.
I'd read the book How I found Freedom in an Unfree World by Harry Browne.
It will help.
The next thing is that once you accept this truth, all you need to do is to discover what people are after, and give it to them. If you give it to them, you will be rewarded and your life will be better.
And just because a good act is done by a selfish motivation, doesn't mean it ceases to be a good act.
Cherish all goodness done towards you, as it is the result of their choice, rather than choosing to hurt you.
Moreover, since people are selfish, they won't willingly expose their weaknesses, or share harsh truths as they have learned that saying such things don't help change people. Most people simply react to harsh truths by digging deeper into their own biases than being objective.
Another truth is that most people are fundamentally incompatible.
All the more reason to cherish those who you truly connect with.
Mind you, the people who you connect with now may not be who you connect with in the future.
Just cherish them for who they are now.
This sadness you feel is the result of having expectations that don't align with reality.
Hope this helps!