Yesterday I posted a thread with this same image saying I felt hollow and depressed in my relationship, and detailing some things that happened recently.
I read all the comments saying I should talk to her, and I did, and I got mad and we've been having a huge fight for over 24 hours now. That ugly feeling between us doesn't seem to be getting any better.
She just went to sleep and told me to write a list with everything she does that I dislike, citing there were "tons of things" she disliked that I did as well. Should I actually do it or is it a trap/hopeless?
Trap. Trap everywhere. I'm taking this because I'm a girl too. There's nothing you can do. If the girl didn't seem like willing to change,she'll hate you forever for what you talked. At this point I don't think it's wise to repeat that subject now. Move on and do it the other the day when she is in a good mood.
It's a trap. If you guys fight now, what magical formula do you think there is that would fix it at this point. This 'list' sounds like catalyst to end it. Will you fix what she perceives, would she fix what you perceive?
Make a list of the things you LIKE about her, turn the tables. It's still likely a lose lose, but who really knows.
A whole list would just be petty and childish. Think of the major things that bother you, think of why they bother you, and think of a way that they can be fixed.
I'd say write it out simply so you can have the entire thing well thought out instead of blurted out incorrectly in the emotional heat of the moment. Don't bring it into the conversation though, just say you thought about it.
Try not to be accusatory and focus on how things make you feel. "When you do this, I feel like ____" or "It makes me _____"
If you guys can't sit there and talk about your feelings then what's the point
>and I got mad
don't let yourself get mad or emotional, that just makes discussions really nasty.
and you don't need to write a list of negative things, just mention a couple big things and talk about them.
you can mention the less important things in the future, as they appear.
Here's what she wrote:
>The problem is that maybe we think very differently. I love you, yes, that's fact. But there are toooons of small details that bother each other, but only because we think differently. I know I run away practically every time, but like I said: you are very much like my dad, and I've suffered SO MUCH because of him that whenever a similar situation appears, I feel like hiding and only coming back when it all blows over, and I know I shouldn't do that, but I do. You don't let me run away, and this creates a huge discomfort in me, probably because of this I get colder. You have your paranoias, I have mine, and apparently they're always bouncing off each other. But I wanna be with you, so I think we should learn to keep them in a straight line, parallel. I don't know if I told you this already, but I like lists. When you wake up, make one of all the things about me that bother you, please. Good night.
I tried writing one and ended up with 967 letters.
Sometimes people need space before they can come back with something other than a knee-jerk emotional response.
In an ideal world, yes all you need to say is "I don't like when you do this." And the person will reply "Thank you for informing me, I will fix it."
However most people are either hurt or upset initially by the first thing. If they weren't, it'd mean they're probably indifferent to the fact that they messed up and hurt you.
I'm not sure the best way to compromise in that situation. I have the same problem, I'd rather take time and reflect on how I feel about something. Otherwise I'm forced to verbally reflect on how I feel.. and if how I feel is bad or negative, that's obviously going to make it a fight instead of a discussion. Seems like you mostly need confirmation she got your message and isn't just ignoring it? At least to start, so you don't feel like you need to keep pushing her to respond. Ask her to start letting you know if she needs time to respond or think about something. And likewise, try to start letting her have space to deal with things before coming back to talk.
It sounds like that's the biggie then.
Look, in reality it's probably just a few big underlying issues or incompatibilities that drives you crazy. Those traits end up coloring your perception of everything else that person does.
So go back to your list, think carefully about everything you wrote, and figure out what those underlying problems are and how it links everything together.