I've got a problem. A little over a year ago my older brother killed himself, and both my parents lost their shit, I can't stand them anymore. Furthermore I feel like my outlook has permanently darkened to the point where everything seems to bore me, I have no passion for anything, and the things that used to make me happy just don't anymore. I feel like everyone is disgusting, a bunch of stupid predictable cliched personalities, and I don't want anything to do with any of them. Everything is just a waste of time and effort. Should I kill myself and just be done with this shit?
First of all how close were you with your bro? What have been doing with your time since his death and how old are you? The older you are the more independent you can be in your decision.
I can sympathise with you on having a brother. I have a brother that is a year younger than me and we've been tight as shit since I can remember. I don't know how I'd live with myself without him...
Yea cuz everyone can afford a therapist...
I was pretty close with my brother, He was easily the person I've been closest with through my entire life. He was a year older than me, he had just turned 21 when he died and I'm about to turn 21 now. I go to school at Purdue and my major is electrical engineering. By all standards my life is pretty good, I don't have to work too hard, my grades are high, and in my position I'm essentially guaranteed at least a moderately high paying job upon graduation, I only have two semesters to go. I also have a full ride worth of scholarships plus a living scholarship that pays for my rent and living expenses while I'm here, so I don't even have to work or take out loans. For the last year or so since my brother died I've tried really hard to be social and make friends and such. I keep thinking all I need is a close friend or a girlfriend or something, but whenever I spend time with someone I start to resent them. I just can't stand them, they all seem so fake and naive, and they all think and act in the same way. People don't mistreat me or anything like that. I'm pretty good looking and I'm in good shape, I work out 5-7 times a week. For the most part people take a liking to me. I get a decent amount of attention from girls, but whenever I try to spend time with them they just annoy me and I end up making some excuse as to why I have to leave or why I can't talk right now.
I’ve tried therapy but it’s not really for me. I feel like the people who are therapists are no smarter or more perceptive than anyone else, and they don't really give any useful input. They just waste my time and money asking me a bunch of stupid questions and then give me some dumb generic advice or tell me something I already know. And why shouldn't they? They don't really have any reason to care, it's just a job. They probably tell 20 people the same stupid regurgitated shit every day (get more exercise, get more sleep, spend more time with family and friends, take these pills, you need to accept what’s happened and move on, that kind of dribble).
I have been to several therapists and I can understand what you're saying- I went for a traumatic accident that gave me PTSD and most of the therapists I went to just kind of pitied me and kept saying "I'm sorry" and I was like ???.
You just need to find one that you resonate well with/can open up to. Another possibility is opening up to a close family member or parent. Someone who can be there for you to unload your emotions on.
It's something you work and save up for. If it's decreasing your quality of life significantly, it's worth investing time and money in, don't you think?
My parents are the worst part of this whole deal. My mom has had a history of mental and emotional instability, and after my brother killed himself (she and I witnessed him shoot himself in the head with a shotgun) she went completely off the deep end. She’s on so much medication now she can’t even hold up a conversation, about 5 different kinds of anti-depressants at high doses. She’s tried to kill herself unsuccessfully a number of times. She cries constantly and wants me to drop out and come back to live at home, but I hate going back there even for things like winter break. I always end up counting the days until I can come back to my apartment and get away from them. My Dad is even worse, he had 2 strokes within the past year and lost like 50% of his mental capacity. He lost his job and has been spending tons of money on stupid shit for no reason, now he’s pretty heavily in debt. He’s always been a bit of a malevolent bastard, and he is certainly the main reason why my brother did end up killing himself. He’s always been very judgmental and harsh, my brother was failing out of college doing the same thing as me (we both did electrical engineering because it’s what my dad wanted), and he kept asking my dad to let him come back and live at home for a while. My dad wouldn’t let him and was pretty cruel about the whole thing, calling him a failure and whatnot. Now my dad is all apologetic and has turned into a sniveling fag*ot, he wants to treat me better than he did my brother but he’s basically retarded now so he just ends up annoying me. The two of them won’t leave me alone, I wish I could just cut ties entirely with them. Everyone constantly tells me I need to be there for my parents through this difficult time, but f*ck that, why do people assume I’m in so much better of a state then they are? I’m just less obnoxious about it.
I just don't want to waste a bunch of time trying to find a good therapist. I know they're probably are some out there, but even if they are really good at what they do what could they possibly say to me to fix something like this? Plus money is a factor, I could probably find the funding somewhere but it would kinda suck.
Wow, what a miserable circumstance.
First of all, do you think feel less compassionate and empathetic than you were before? Sometimes traumatic events like the loss of a loved one can seriously affect how one perceives situations.
Perhaps your brain was so upset by the loss of someone that you loved, you are subconsciously trying to distance yourself from others in order to avoid that pain/shock in the future?
Not to make this about myself- but I have some personal experience that might serve as an example. I was raped a year ago and I can no longer feel intimate desire like I could before. I feel okay and function normally from day-to-day, but I no longer have any desire to be physically close to another person. My therapist said that this was a subconscious self-defense mechanism that my brain was performing. I subconsciously recognize a physical threat from almost everyone I know, so I am unable to be physically close to them without freaking out.
Your brain may be recognizing the people who you once really loved (your friends and family) as potential risks for heartbreak, and these destructive thoughts may be surfacing to help keep you indifferent.
Therapy isn't about saying some magic words- it's a process and a relationship. Eventually you would be able to return to a state where you are able to enjoy life and respect others if you found the right therapist.
Yes, it costs money and time and effort.
But shouldn't your happiness be a priority? I can't think of anything more valuable or worth spending money on.
If you are content going through life as you are, then do not go to therapy.
But if you want to feel joy and inspiration again, therapy is the quickest way.
Really think about it before you decide. Think about a time when you were truly happy and content with your life. Perhaps it was during a vacation with your family or during a moment when you achieved something that you were proud of. Are those experiences and emotions worth investing time and money in?
Damn that's a really rough situation dude but I can see exactly where you're coming from on not wanting to see them again, It's just a toxic environment.
I won't pretend I know what you're going through, You're stronger than I am. Regardless of the choice you make at least know pushed me away from my own suicidal thoughts. Thank you, and good luck.
Well I would say yes, I definitely don't feel very empathetic. When people come to me with their problems I just can't bring myself to care. I often think things like "grow up and deal with it". But on the other hand I've never been a very emotional person. My brother and my friends have always called me a robot since I was a kid, they don’t see me as the type of person to ever struggle with something like this. I don’t really show emotion, I’m very professional, logical, and pragmatic. It's almost like I get offended by any display of real emotion. It’s like I understand it, I’m feeling angry and sad after a traumatic loss (basically what any therapist will tell me), but I can’t really deal with it. Everything just seems so gray and hopeless. Music I used to love literally sounds like sh*t to me now, that kind of thing. I know that I’ll be fine in a survival sort of sense, like I’m not going to starve or be homeless or anything, but I just don’t foresee any way things can get better. Even If I could have everything I ever wanted right here and now I don’t think it would make a difference. It’s all just empty pleasure that doesn’t really mean anything anyway. Your probably right at least to some extent that I’m distancing myself from people, but I don’t have any solution to it.
I appreciate the advice, and I can see that a lot of people do think that it really helps, most people I've opened up to have told me to seek professional help. I just haven't ever found it to be useful myself. I don't think it's the right thing for me. I have a really hard time opening up to people and if I'm paying someone to talk to me I feel like I can't really trust that they actually care at all.
You experienced a big shock to your system with your brother's suicide, but prior to that you were on track to getting a great job, anywhere in the country really, leaving your parents behind. You work out and people seem open to you. Nothing wrong with being picky about girls or friends, as long as you stay social-ish.
It's always extremely annoying when you are perfectly fine doing your own thing and suddenly your parents need you constantly.
If you want to avoid Therapy, and you should, I will tell you that you should do a reasonable amount for your parents because the wound is still very fresh, but do not move back home. It would enable them to stay as they are now, and it would halt your own progress in a bad way. When I say reasonable, like do things like listen on the phone to your parents for a dedicated 10 minutes and then cut off. Use your current powers of indifference to get yourself through the process. Maybe help in 1 or 2 way, but don't feel guilty. Everyone's life is their own.
You very much sound like you have depression.
You seem to identify yourself as an "emotionless robot". Perhaps you are less outwardly empathetic than others who wear their emotions on their sleeve, but that doesn't mean that those emotions do not exist- they are just repressed.
You need to start taking active steps to learn how to express your emotion.
Like, stop judging people for showing emotion. Every time you judge someone as "weak" or "vulnerable" for showing emotion, you are making it harder on yourself to express emotions. When to you catch yourself judging someone for being emotional, force yourself to re-evaluate and do your best to have compassion. Even if you cannot feel compassion, try to acknowledge that everyone has their own struggle, and that their feelings are valid.
The thing is- you don't want to avoid things that make you the most emotional. For some people, listening to certain songs will bring back vivid memories of a lost one. For others, being in a certain space or engaging in a certain activity can also trigger these memories and emotions. Feeling these emotions is important to resolving them, but by facing them on your own, it is easy to get discouraged and bury the emotion back down or transform the sadness into suicidal thoughts. A therapist would be able to help walk you through this process, which would allow you to fully resolve those emotions in a healthy way.
There's also likely more to your depression than just the death of your brother. One reason why you may have been "emotionless"'your whole life could be because of pressure from your father. A therapist can also help you explore these memories, and resolve any issues that have been preventing you from feeling stronger emotion all this time.
I understand. Having a good mature friend is better than having a therapist- but it's also sometimes difficult to open up to friends because you are making yourself vulnerable to someone who you care about.
The ideal is having a mature friend to guide you through the healing process, because you trust them and they genuinely care about you.
But the second best is developing a relationship with a therapist- you don't have to come right out with the problems, you can spend some time getting to know each other and hanging out first. People become therapists because they are genuinely interested in helping people like you overcome their problems.
Like- why am I posting here right now? It's because I want you to live a happy/healthy life, and perhaps something I say might make a difference somewhere down the line.
I'm not a professional, and I have plenty of problems of my own- but I really do hope that you are able to overcome the obsticals that face you.
Are you in school? Many schools have counsellors that don't cost anything to go to. I went to one last year and we actually became really good friends and go get lunch all the time just to chat.
Another option is turning to a church or religious area. If you aren't religious, you can just tell them and they will do their best to help you and listen to you while respecting your beliefs (or lack there of). I went and talked to a youth pastor for a few months when my mom died. I wasn't religious at all at the time, but he was a very kind young man and he was able to really help me reflect on and appreciate my mom's life without being all "Jesus"-y