Hey guys, 19/m here. So.. I noticed this weird thing, where I'm always "shy" about my interests/ideas/dreams/thoughts/etc. when my parents could find out about them. It's not really shyness, but more like, I would feel really ashamed if my parents were to know anything about me.
I dunno exactly when this started happening but I'm pretty sure my parents don't know anything about me since I was about 12. I think I just "closed up" around that age and just never told them anything about myself, and if they insisted, I told lies. They don't know what kind of music I like, what aspirations I have, who my friends were (don't have any now lol), or my opinion on anything, really. At this point I've lied so much to them I've started believing my own lies.
Recently however I've noticed how stifling this is.. I can't watch a movie on my PC when parents are home because they might barge into my room and see it, I took a gap year because I didn't want to discuss with them what I would do in college, I have to act uninterested when they talk about stuff I'm interested in, etc.
I don't really exhibit this behavior with strangers, at least not on the internet - though that might just be because of anonymity.
What is wrong with me /adv/? Is this normal? How do I get rid of this facade?
I wouldn't say it's "normal". It's indicative of deeper issues. If your parents don't make an effort to get you to open up - an effort to understand you and show that they support you, it can make you close off. Kids are supposed to be able to depend on their parents for emotional support and if that's not available or if they perceive it's not available, kids will close off. This leads to depression, teenage angst, anxiety etc.
I assume when you closed off your parents didn't make much of an effort to get you to open up? Or did they try and you were simply uncomfortable with it?
I've got a similar thing, but I attribute it mostly to the fact my parents never were really "parents" to me.
Four messy divorces before I was 12 and custody under my mother who worked full-time and sang full-time pretty much meant I was left totally alone most of the time and very detached from them as "family"
So, you might have some repressed issues you're not dealing with.
you're not friends with them and have a shitty relationship. you're supposed to be open with them according to the norms of society and you're not the every kid on the block. this all complicates shit. who wants to be john doe though? don't be ashamed of yourself. just realize and accept that you don't have involved parents, which is a sign that they don't care about you as much as they may say. they aren't people you're close with, and by definition being related to someone as blood means absolutely nothing in terms of well, anything. either be the parent/adult and reach out to your parents like they should do with kids and have maintained from youth, or accept the relationships for what they are and arent
Hmm, well I think they did try to get me to open up, although I'm not sure they ever realized I "closed off" since I just started lying to them about myself at some point. It became more severe with time though and now I basically don't communicate with them at all, and they've mostly given up on trying to get me to open up.
Heh, well my parents were fairy happy most of the time and didnt fight much.. Last 2 years they started fighting a lot though and are planning to divorce, but at this point I'm almost glad, since this means I won't see my mom as much.
Message boards are cool yo. I generwlly don't lie on the internet at all.
Well.. It's quite stifling living like this, since I live with my parents. It probably wouldn't be a problem if I moved out. But I just can't seem to not care about what they think of me, or something, so I keep lying.. And it's not like I'm even creating a better image of myself, I tell them I'm not interested in anything and am a completely apathetic piece of shit when I'm not.
>Hmm, well I think they did try to get me to open up, although I'm not sure they ever realized I "closed off" since I just started lying to them about myself at some point. It became more severe with time though and now I basically don't communicate with them at all, and they've mostly given up on trying to get me to open up.
Well the key here is the lying. They might not be the most observant or you are just a good enough liar that they didn't feel the need to press the issue. However this seems like a mild case of anxiety and something you should seek minor therapy for, perhaps open up to your parents about how you feel, that is if you want things to change.
Same thing here, I'm 23. I tend to not talk about very serious stuff with my parents, not sure why. Sometimes my mom will ask me about my life and if I'm dating anyone etc., I usually just give some noncommittal answer and end the conversation ASAP. For some reason talking about that stuff makes me uncomfortable.
you gotta figure out why you care about what they think before you can move forward through the stages of getting past this. the whole understanding is always the first step issue. part of me cares about what my parents think cause i dont like dealing with them and i still have to live with them. i don't know what things are the case for you =/
Yeah, I'd say I definitely have some social anxiety, but I dunno how I would get therapy.. I can't imagine telling my parents about it and I don't know how to see a doctor myself (I live in USA so it would be astronomically expensive without insurance, and I have no idea where my insurance is or if my parents would find out if I used it).
And they've already taken me to a psychologist or a psychiatrist before, but that did nothing since I wasn't honest with the psych either.
>And they've already taken me to a psychologist or a psychiatrist before, but that did nothing since I wasn't honest with the psych either.
this is a good way to start with them perhaps. There are a few resources for free therapy if you can hunt it down, but I leave that to you. I'd suggest telling your parents if you don't think they'll have a horribly negative reaction to it. You need to learn to be honest, and the first step is admitting that you are dishonest. You can do that here, but it means nothing if you can't verbalize it irl.
Ugh, I dunno why I feel uncomfortable talking to them about myself.. I just feel like they would laugh at me? Or think of me as stupid. For example I'm interested in art but my parents still think I hate drawing and whatnot, but I feel like if I tell them they will laugh at me because it's ironic I used to hate art and now suddenly like it. I don't see how that's really so bad but it still makes me totally unable to tell them :/
Gah, I guess I'm a typical advice asker on adv, receiving good advice but then not acting on it. That first step is just so hard, man.. I don't want to disrupt the status quo, even if my current life situation isn't great I don't want to change it, I'd rather just stay in the comfort zone. But at the same time if I don't start being honest now, I probably never will, even with other people..
i liked computer games and metal, wasn't into sports much and the ones i did were like tennis frisbee or skateboarding. nothing i couldn't see my parents judging me for. in this situation we are in, we really do have to accept that our parents are never going to be the parents in fairy tales, or all that we're told they should be. my parents are actually very terrible to me and i still struggle to accept things for what they are because i've been so conditioned to think and feel a certain way. i only say this because you need to understand your conditioning before you can come out of it
*see my parents NOT judging me for. i also liked art, and went to college for it, and felt like they totally would judge me or never understand and i was always very uncomfortable about it. art and any form of expression are awesome hobbies and careers though
You can either push the arrow through and let the wound heal or you can leave it there until it festers and kills you slowly my friend
I can't help you take the first step, but I wish you luck getting there
Exactly the same here.
My parents are critical as fuck. Not in a demanding "you need to do this at X time or else" type of critical, but in a "there's a chance that might not work out so lets talk about that" kind of way.
My parents first response to anything is to point out how it might be dangerous or unwise. They criticize everything and accept no criticism on their own part. If you try to stand your ground about something you are "ungrateful." Every time I vow to be completely open with them, it blows the fuck up in my face and I regret it tenfold. My siblings and I just keep them in the dark about as much as we possibly can at this point. Path of least resistance, and all.
I don't mean to come in here sounding like a brat, but if the problem is exclusively with your parents then its likely your parents' fault, not yours. Maybe you got to this point because, like me, somewhere along the line you realized that your parents really don't want you to be "open", they just want you to have nothing to hide from them because you comply with their wishes unquestioningly.
Very similar to my relationship with mine. Very critical of things, and already at an early age i realized they both had some personality issues. They divorced at 6 and the way they handled each other was just crazy. They function well in society and are both responsible adults, it's not that. But they have some problems in dealing with people, and i guess noticing this made me close a bit up to avoid situations. Although i opened up more later i just realized they cared more of themselves in relation to me and my sibling. But it still felt good for me to be able to be open, even though they dont change, so i would recommend that. I think all this and the way they handled me and my sibling must have somehow made me not care about them. I have long moved out now and i still talk to them and see them. But never once since being a little kid can i remember missing them, even when being away for a long time, or wanting to talk with them other than necessary. I never understood when other people said they loved or missed their parents and i thought it was something i would grow out of, but i still dont. I'm a very empathic person and i really care about my sibling so it really never made any sense. Was nice writing this out