How do I politely cut everyone out of my life? It's not because I don't like them, it's because I know for certain I'm going to end up ruining my own life, and I want to avoid dragging everyone down with me. My family will be easy, because I can just move out and avoid them except for phone calls and whatnot. My friends and girlfriend are another story. How do I let my friends know? And how do I break up with my girlfriend in a way that doesn't seem like I don't love her or want her? How do I put it that I'm just a black hole and need to distance her so I don't suck her in too?
And no, I'm not just depressed or crazy, and I know everyone makes mistakes. But that doesn't mean it should be a daily occurrence. And if at any time I start trying to feel better about it, I make a big mistake again and all these feelings of inferiority come rushing back all at once, so I've realized it's better to just accept it.
Because there's really nothing to fix, this is just who I am. I am flawed, fundamentally. Not in a normal "nobody's perfect" way, but I truly believe I'm a danger to myself and others.
People like OP make me wonder if there are people in this world who are genuinely altruistic. My initial reaction is to think that they're dramatic attention whores, but sometimes they come off as really sincere, but I think those people are the ones who just want to play the role of martyr really badly.
I mean it's such an odd question to ask sincerely. "How do I politely cut people out of my life". Like surely if you've spent any time at all considering this question yourself you'd know that there really isn't a polite way to do this.
Just do it anon, I had to move for work to another country and enjoyed living there more than I did with friends I knew back home. Fast foward a month later and I find out they are destitute and somewhat resentful of me for not staying in contact.
Not my fault you thought I would fail in life.
Why? If it's just because "Oh, woe is me I'm such an awful person and I'll only hurt the people I care about" then shut the fuck up with that self absorbed garbage. The emotional pain of someone they love completely shutting them out far exceeds anything you're capable of. You're not depressed or crazy, which means that all you are is someone with low self esteem, the sort that loves to wallow in their own misery more than anything else. THAT is what hurts people, not making mistakes.
>My initial reaction is to think that they're dramatic attention whores, but sometimes they come off as really sincere, but I think those people are the ones who just want to play the role of martyr really badly.
Essentially, they have low self esteem, which prevents them from accepting that other people care about them. This leads to them shutting off those people, allegedly for their own good, and hurting them (to maintain the emotional feedback loop that keeps them hating themselves, where their self hatred gives them validation because they feel like they deserve it). It's also partly a call for help, though they usually turn it away if it comes because it feeds their addiction to self hate. There are two outcomes. Either they realise that wallowing in their own self loathing is one of the most self absorbed things you can do and attempt to resist the temptation, or they keep up with the selfish "Woe, I'm such an awful person just leave me" crap and never emerge from their own mind (shoved as it is, firmly up their intestinal tract).
So no, it's about as far from altruistic as you can get. It's one of the most self absorbed behaviours you can display.
The solution is to realise that your opinion of yourself doesn't matter one bit. How you feel inside is irrelevant, the only thing that matters is other
OP cutting people who love you out of your life is only going to hurt them more. If you fuck up so much, just don't tell them about it, you idiot. Nobody has to know the particulars of what's going on in your life. if they ask, 'how's it going anon?' just say, 'oh, things are going all right, nothing special really.' even if shit sucks.
>If you fuck up so much, just don't tell them about it, you idiot. Nobody has to know the particulars of what's going on in your life. if they ask, 'how's it going anon?' just say, 'oh, things are going all right, nothing special really.' even if shit sucks.
This isn't always the best advice. Sometimes you really do need to unload that weight, the trick is finding the right person and the right moment. I had a co-worker from whom I had drag a life story out of, but she admitted she felt a hell of a lot better afterward.
Bottling your feelings up completely is liable to make you go nuts, especially if you have low self esteem to begin with and nothing to offset that.
Keep these people close to you. They are loving you at your lowest. I know it seems like it's for the better, but you will miss them and they will miss you. Take care of yourself. If you really want to not hurt these people, get help. Become happy and love yourself so that you can love others.
Yeah well I can't afford to keep buying new cars. I have about $15 to my name. Should I just put $20k on my credit card? I seriously would not even think twice about it and already planned on it.
she has insurance and will get money toward a new car. If you feel so guilty about it, pick up the difference between what she gets from insurance and the car she wants, or pay her car payments. Cars are expensive, but they are only things, and I'm sure she was just glad you weren't hurt.
I wouldn't recommend going 20k into debt for a girlfriend. Is the car even totaled?
what if I am too selfish or ignorant to successfully maintain these relationships? Wouldn't it be better to just let them go rather than force it because you think I have some sort of duty to be with these people?
That's something to be happy about, man. If the worst thing that happened was that a car was ruined, then it wasn't bad at all. People lose their loved ones and go into comas from car crashes. I know it might be hard to see it, but you've gotta look at your incredible luck.
Sure you do. But if you do, then acknowledge that you're doing it for your own selfish insecure reasons and disregarding all of them, rather than this repulsively blatant lie that you're doing it for their sake.
1) meet every friend in person, spend some time and end that with a hug
2) spend a day or 2 with your gf, tell her you love her
3) get a new phone number
4) move out, if possible switch country, if not switch state
IMPORTANT: Dont tell anybody about your plans, or that you are going to leave
everyone will have a good last memory about you, especially your gf
>And no, I'm not just depressed or crazy
>I make a big mistake again and all these feelings of inferiority come rushing back all at once
You're surely not depressed, my internet friend.
that's retarded, probably the worst way to disappear.
OP the real solution is you need to take steps to fix your depression. That is the one and only answer.
Now if after years of trying you still feel this way, then in order not to hurt people when you leave you must make them hate you first. Understood? That's the only way not to hurt them, you can disappear slowly from the acquaitances, but the people who really care will always try to stay in touch, so you must give them a reason to hate you.
my ex did this to me.. she was starting to feel depressed so she broke up with me, but she said she still loved me and liked me and i did nothing wrong, but she couldn't handle being in a relationship...
it's been a year since then and it's been the worst year of my life, i cried every single day for her. She completely cut contact and I miss her so much, she was the best friend I've ever had, my favourite person on earth, the best person I've ever known, and being treated like this from her hurt me so much. I know the depression was getting the best of her, she could barely get up and do stuff, she got angry so easily, but a single day with her depressed self would be worth more than all the rest of my life without her. Don't do this to her op. If you love her stay with her. You can break up the relationship if you will, maybe distance yourself a bit. But don't disappear completely and cut contact and start ignoring her, that's the worst torture you can inflict on someone you love
>but she said she still loved me and liked me
Accept that she doesn't love you in a romantic way anymore. If she did, she would not break with you.
Those are one of the most cliche words that people say when breaking up.
They only do it so that you don't hate them, so that you have good thoughts of them, with the consequence being that consciously or inconsciously they keep you attached and chained to them if you're a person of low selfsteem, which you honestly seem like.
I don't think she meant it that way, she didn't really say it that way.
She said she still had "full hearted feelings for me" or something like that, she was really confused, then sometime later i said it and she said "i love you too", it was a weird breakup, she didn't really breakup but she was saying how she was being depressed and how she didnt see herself in a relationship, and I kinda did the breakup myself I guess.
I used to have high self esteem, I have lower self esteem now, because even tho i realize I objectively have a decent life and am decent good looking, her opinion still counts more than anything else to me. And the thought that she decided not to be together hurts me so much and makes me feel worthless, and I also feel worthless as a human being, cause all I wanted was to make her happy and I failed at that and she got depressed and left me
Dude, she doesn't love you, stop it, please.
It's that string, that attachment that you have to her that's killing you.
CUT HER LOOSE OR SHE WILL SINK YOU DOWN. Let her go, accept it all and you'll feel much better in less than you'd have thought of.
I know how it feels, mang, I've been there too.
Idk, I don't care if she loves me or not, I know I love her. She's the only person I've ever loved.
I tried getting a new gf and she was nice and it helped in a way but it wasn't the same thing. I will always love her, and after all we've been through I can't just cut off contact I can't do it. Sometimes we still message when she's not down, but it happens like once every one or two months at best.
I know she doesn't love me, or at least not enough to act on it, though I guess you're right I hope deep down she still does..
You can't, because you're failing to see losing someone as pain too. How can you know for certain that the pain that they experience in the future will be less if you leave and more if you stay? The only difference is you won't be there to observe it so you personally can't feel bad.
Think about it this way. Do you care about these people being hurt? Then stay with them. Because there's plenty more people who would hurt them without caring. I have yet to see a caring person who has never even accidentally hurt someone.
what the hell? no way... I'm just a dumb fuck and my girlfriend is going to waste her life if she stays with me, I'm not wallowing in self pity but she will undoubtedly be better off without me that's just a fact
Why is it selfish? Because you're literally disregarding the feelings of every person who cares about you so you can wallow in your depression and self-hatred while trying to pretend it's "for their own good" as if they're too dumb to know what's good for them or not, as if you know better about their wants and needs.
The isolation part isn't necessarily selfish. But thinking you're doing it for their own good is selfish. You would be removing somebody they love from their life. And it's not even for a good reason.
>she will undoubtedly be better off without me that's just a fact
That's her decision to make, guy. Obviously she doesn't feel that way if she's still with you.
So you ARE depressed.
just see a therapist you crazy fuck
>obviously she doesn't feel that way
People can be wrong.
I'm not even OP, but it's possible my girlfriend is simply too blinded by love to see that I will be her greatest mistake.
This is an anonymous board so I have nothing at stake here just what I am trying to argue against is the idea that it is inherently or categorically selfish to end things with someone for their own good.
>I believe something that's wrong 99.9% of the time and is a categorical definition of shitty teen angst, but MAYBE I'm right!
Honestly, you're going to look back on this shit in 10 years and realize what a dumb bitch baby you're being. What would your grandparents think about you?
>And if at any time I start trying to feel better about it, I make a big mistake again and all these feelings of inferiority come rushing back all at once
Welcome to my world OP.
This is the world of daily mood swings, suicidal thoughts and detachment from the world. One day I feel like I'm the greatest person in the world, I impulsively do whatever I please, and next day I think about all the shit I did the day before - how I took off a shirt at a party and danced next to some group of girls who were weirded out because of my ottermode physique, how I called my ex-gf telling her (for fifth time) how I've overcome depression and I'm a better person now, etc - and I hate myself, I feel worthless and cut away all people from my life, except for the very few who have similar problems and stick with me despite my sarcastic comments about it.
Then after a week or two of feeling like shit, I again start feeling well, realize that positive thinking is the way to getting better, start feeling better, contact people, call them out, have fun, do some crazy stuff, realize that I have beaten depression and I'll never be depressed again, this world is great, I love life, the sun is shining and I'm driving in my friend's car, we're listening to Jane's Addiction and nothing could be better! Why in the hell did I allow myself to be depressed in the first place? This kind of consciousness is so much more pleasurable! I'm gonna do that school project I have to do, and I'll have nothing on my mind that will bother me! This is great! I'll never thing negatively in my life again...
*comment too long, will continue*
...until one day again you see your ex-girlfriend, or the guy from primary school that bullied you, or your mother comes back from another country with your baby half-sister - and you're down again. Nothing seems okay. Everything is fucked up. WHY AM I FEELING LIKE THIS? There is no point. Nothing wrong with me, I have friends, I have a girlfriend, I workout, I'm doing good at life, I have literally NOTHING I could fix about myself. Yet I feel like shit. This whole planet is blank. There is nothing in this world for me - I forgot how pleasure feels at all. I don't want to hang around people, I'm just a faggot who complains about his overall good life... And I've lost countless friends because of it. The guy who was my best friend in high school, who did acid with you, now doesn't want to hang out with you because you had a bad bad trip where you just lied in the bed and cried for hours and didn't reply to questions.
Nothing in world makes sense. Should I just kill myself? No, I'm frightened of death. I should just cut all contact with reality...
Does this sound familiar?
If so, you gotta acknowledge that you're simply on your negative peak. Keep going man. Just a week, or two, and you'll reach a positive peak again. I know it sucks that it will be gone, but this positive peaks are the most beautiful things that exist in life. They are a reason for being a better person, for improving.
They are a reason to live.
Just carry on man.
>I'm just a dumb fuck and my girlfriend is going to waste her life if she stays with me
>I'm not wallowing in self pity
Check yourself before you wreck your loved ones. You either lack self awareness, or deliberately ignore what moments of it you have because the implications scare you.
I want you to try a little thought experiment here. Try to put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes for a moment. Seriously do it, think about how you would feel if your positions were reversed.
Imagine how you'd feel if the one you loved was obviously upset, but just kept pushing you away whenever you tried to approach them and help so they can brood to themselves. Imagine how painful it would be to sit and watch them suffer alone and to be powerless to help not because you can't, but because they won't let you.
This is the pain you say you want to inflict upon not just your girlfriend, but on everyone else in your life. And you want to do it because you're too scared to admit that people could see anything in you. Your self esteem won't allow it. So, you deny, you reject, you run away, you do everything in your power to avoid facing up to the fact that your perceptions of yourself are warped and inaccurate. If you want to know what sort of person you really are, ask them. Because your own viewpoint is worse than useless at this point in your life.
Well, essentially OP loves his girlfriend, and she loves him too. Because he's got a low opinion of himself (but a high opinion of his opinion) he believes she's wrong to do so and wants to break up with her to 'spare her' from him, without actually hurting her. This is of course complete lunacy born of the demented ravings of a man in furious denial, so I wouldn't take it as a serious question on OP's part. If anything it was a subconscious attempt to get people to talk him into accepting what he already knows but refuses to acknowledge.